Too Much Pain

There's many reasons I can think of, but thee one I'm hurting from most is pain in my heart. Within two years I've lost my husband's family that I cherished dearly for the reason, I was raised without brothers/sister/aunts/uncles/grandma.. etc. After I felt abanded from them.. things just went downhill. We lost our house due to foreclosure, my marriage was empty, I became very depressed, tried suicide twice, living with guilt and humilation,  my mother is dying and I can't see her, marriage is now over, heading for divorce, can't get a grip on life anymore. When it all comes down to it.. i want to kill myself because I want to!! It's my body, my right, my decision to make.