Driven

Ive been out of the mental hospital for almost two weeks now and have wasted my life away on this computer mostly watching sex related movies cause even though it feels wrong and ive never had sex it makes it so i dont have to focus on the pain so much. Life was good when i got of the hospital but that all got ruined a couple days ago when my friend invited me and then ditched me at church. she apologized but the damage cant be undone it just made me realize how much of a failure i am. Now my suicide thoughts are back and ill probably land in the er sooner or later. But i guess the question is i want to kill myself because. Well i guess because im nineteen and stuck. Stuck being a dependent . Im not smart enough or capable of living on my own. If i had a significant other. Well ill stop right there i dont see myself as being worthy of another persons love. Im not pretty im not smart im mentally ill and have enough scars to scare anybody away. Those last two ecspecially. But theres also the whole mental hospital thing a lot of people are scared of the mentally ill ecspecially the ones like me who hear voices.
I got my first kiss in a mental hospital and never heard from the guy again. Isnt that love. But the main reason is im just tired of everything the pain leaves briefly then comes back with a vengance. I cant escape itll always find me and so theres no real choice but to find an escape. my family may be devastated but theylll have to realize this wasnt a choice. I was driven to this driven to kill myself. I may have done it but i didnt mean it to be that way it just was
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26-30
4 Responses May 6, 2012

hello passion. Jesus died on the cross to free you from all mental sickness, he loves you very much, and his love when you accept him, changes you, takes away the bad andgives you his nature to enjoy. he is here to set you free. and to give you love. the devil is the one who tells you all those bad things about you, but god doesn't see you so, he see you wonderful so valued that he sent his best and only son, to pay for you. to buy you back from destruction. receive him read jn 1 -12-14 its written for you

You are beautiful. You may not see it yet but someone will come along and show you that, just please, stay strong and wait. You ARE strong, you see how far you've gone? You say you have mental issues? I don't see them and neither does anyone else here. Some people are judgmental but they're not even worth your time. Please, don't think of killing yourself. You can make it, you're beautiful!

Just think of the positive things and u'll see how beautiful everything around you.

No we are born to live, you can make wonderful changes in you and in the life of others. You are a creature to influence others.