I'm Not Even Scared Anymore.

I'm not scared of the thought of death anymore. I simply just want to end my life and call it quits. I've always had an issue with depression and staying positive but this really just pushes me to the edge. I've always been bad when it comes to academics, the last time I had straight A's was in elementry school. I just checked my grades now and my gpa is so low I may not be able to reapply into school. This isn't what relly bothered me since I never do well in school. What really pushed me was my mom. She has completley given up on me and doesn't plan to let me continue going to school if she''s paying. I know my parents do so much to make sure I'm happy but basically I was told I can do whatever I want now. whether I'll go to school or just work.
I never thought I'd finish my second year in college o account it wasnt my idea to go. I changed my major but I'm not sure thats what I want. I have no idea what I want in life and just working for the rest of my life will be depressing. I don't know how I would pay bills and do taxes and being told by my mother that she basically has no hope for me just crushed me. So I'm sitting here coming up with a date to finally put it to an end. I just got a job and I plan on working until my birthday in july, whch is the day I'm going to just give in.
I don't know what I want to do in life. I had a means of motivation but that ran dry. My boyfriend (if I can still call him that) doesn't even bother to say hello when I want to know if he's ok. I don't fit in anywhere and honestly I'm tired of trying to be happy when I'm not. Maybe this isn't a legitamate reason to decide death as an option, but I would rather die than feel lonely and a failure.
I created my own american dream, but then it hit me thatit will never happen. People have told me if you reasssure yourself of the things you want they come true... That obviously hasn't worked for me so lets try the next best thing. Something that puts an end to all my problems.
Of all the times I attempted to kill myself I've never felt the way I feel now. I feel utterly empty and its nice. Not sad or angry or confused. just empty. And it's best to feel this way when you want it all to end. People say "think about the people who will miss you" what about them? Give it a month and people forget. I can't wait to die, I'd do it right know if I could but this isn't the time.
Sennasenpaiz Sennasenpaiz
18-21, F
5 Responses May 9, 2012

Are you still alive? I hope you are. I totally understand you. I also suffer from depression from time to time and I think I'm bipolar. I have thought about dying too but not by killing myself since I'm scared about death being painful. However I always try to look at the bright side even if I get depressed too easily. Looking at your situation, it's actually a lot better compared to other's. To be honest, I think my situation is worse than yours but I'm just trying to survive really, like everybody else. I think I'm sick and I haven't really told anyone. I also have very low self-esteem so I don't have confidence with work and school. So cheer up, you're not alone. Hope is everywhere. May God bless you!!

It is a horrble feeling, the emptyness, don't think of it as it is not an there are people far worse. True, but you're hurting as well.
From what I can see you don't have a motivation because you don't know how will you take advantage of things you are learning about right now, in life. Think of things that make you happy, for instance, I am happy when it is sunny, warm clima, I love working with animals, i love exploring, taking a hike trough the mountain, like to draw... Etc
Meeting new people with same interests never seems to fail as well..

You are far too young to think that this is worth dying for.....I know that you think i am talking ****, but it's true. Youth is wasted on the young , and we oldies ( 40 + ) will take our wisdom to our graves.!!!!!!!!If only we could download our knowledge to people your age , life for you would be so much easier....Never quit, there is so much to live for.( even when it's not perfect , which is a false reality anyway )

If you ever need to talk, I'm here.

Ever heard that ending your life is a long term fix to a short term problem? <br />
A coouple of years ago, I lost a beautiful friend who was so young, bright. Her priorities had always been to her boys. she was very sick and wanted to live her life to ensure her boy's future. She died from breast cancer. My heart feels something so great and missing.<br />
<br />
What ever it is that is and has been pushing you to the edge can be solved. The thing is, finding the right person to help with this issue. Think about the things youwill be able to do because you kept fighting and pushing on.<br />
I'm sure you still have dreams and aspirations.come talk with me, perhaps together we will find answers.<br />

That wasn't really helpfull of you. If you didn't have anything smart to say, you should just shut up.