I'm Not Even Scared Anymore.I'm not scared of the thought of death anymore. I simply just want to end my life and call it quits. I've always had an issue with depression and staying positive but this really just pushes me to the edge. I've always been bad when it comes to academics, the last time I had straight A's was in elementry school. I just checked my grades now and my gpa is so low I may not be able to reapply into school. This isn't what relly bothered me since I never do well in school. What really pushed me was my mom. She has completley given up on me and doesn't plan to let me continue going to school if she''s paying. I know my parents do so much to make sure I'm happy but basically I was told I can do whatever I want now. whether I'll go to school or just work.
I never thought I'd finish my second year in college o account it wasnt my idea to go. I changed my major but I'm not sure thats what I want. I have no idea what I want in life and just working for the rest of my life will be depressing. I don't know how I would pay bills and do taxes and being told by my mother that she basically has no hope for me just crushed me. So I'm sitting here coming up with a date to finally put it to an end. I just got a job and I plan on working until my birthday in july, whch is the day I'm going to just give in.
I don't know what I want to do in life. I had a means of motivation but that ran dry. My boyfriend (if I can still call him that) doesn't even bother to say hello when I want to know if he's ok. I don't fit in anywhere and honestly I'm tired of trying to be happy when I'm not. Maybe this isn't a legitamate reason to decide death as an option, but I would rather die than feel lonely and a failure.
I created my own american dream, but then it hit me thatit will never happen. People have told me if you reasssure yourself of the things you want they come true... That obviously hasn't worked for me so lets try the next best thing. Something that puts an end to all my problems.
Of all the times I attempted to kill myself I've never felt the way I feel now. I feel utterly empty and its nice. Not sad or angry or confused. just empty. And it's best to feel this way when you want it all to end. People say "think about the people who will miss you" what about them? Give it a month and people forget. I can't wait to die, I'd do it right know if I could but this isn't the time.