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I Dont Want To Kill Myself...i Just Want A Dude To Like Me Too

i know i usually just write stories about how much i hate myself on this website. not much about my background or anything, just how i just hate myself. i do give a little insight on who i am with the many groups i add in to my profile, but thats about it. My life hasnt been so perfect either by the way and its nothing i should really get into cuz i dont really give a **** about telling about what ive been going thru with life. all whats bothering me is me hating myself and i pray that at some point i stop before i kill myself.
I Dont Want Too
the thing is, i really dont want to kill myself. to me its a coward way out and i refuse to die that way. im not good with pain and i cant trust myself to kill me because theres a chance somewhere i may survive and be disfigured or crippled and thats just going to make the problem worse. so ive thought about killing myself by just maybe throwing myself into bad situations but I'm still too scared. i dont know what its like on the other side and that kind of makes me have second thoughts too. see, theres so many excuses i have with doing it which means i really dont want to commit suicide, but i still wish i was dead.
Why?
when i look at myself in the mirror, i hate what i see. i think i am extremely ugly. too ugly to live. i wish i was beautiful and pretty and im not. the things i love to do and dream of doing for a living are very hard on appearance. you cant just have the talents to be in the entertainment industry you have to have the looks too. well you have to have either or. if you got something that they can market and sale then you're in. i dont think my skills are good enough to get noticed so the next thing is to have good looks. but i definitely dont have that. so am i ever going to get noticed? whose going to want to hear me sing or read my poetry or watch my scripts as a film on the big screen? whose going to ever see my arts and designs? whose going to want to hear my ideas? i feel like i might just be wasting my time trying to live my dreams. im too ugly too be an entertainer, im too ugly for a guy to ever love me or want to be with me, im too ugly for life. i cant see myself getting a job and just be like the average american dream. i am an artist, thats all i know how to do. i cant do anything else just like the plants outside cant do anything else but grow and develop. i was born an entertainer but i cant seem to reach my calling all because i hate the way i look.
And Another Thing
Everytime i see nicki minaj, every time i hear nicki minaj, everytime im reminded of nicki minaj, i automatically think about killing myself. i start to wonder why is my ugly *** still alive? i shouldve been dead a long time ago. i think nicki minaj is so pretty and when i have to look at myself after looking at her i just wanna die. i will never be that beautiful and gorgeous and sexy. she in particular i wish i looked like. it seems to me like every guy loves her and wants to **** her and stuff but nobody wants to **** me cuz im too ******* ugly. ive tried diets, exercises, and what ever else to make me at least look like her body wise. ive even tried to look like her facially but that didnt work out too much, just made me look even uglier. if guys like small waists, big round butts, pretty curves, and pretty everything else then thats what i want to look like. but nothing works and the end results just have me looking worser. i dont really care if it affects my health too bad because i know ill get something good out of it. why couldnt i just be born pretty and attractive? i hate myself so much, im not good for nothing. i'll stay a virgin forever. even if i was a ******** i would be broke as hell cuz nobody would give me the time of day. and then ill get fired. i need to hurry up and just die. for some reason, for me looks do matter in this world....  

Ninarose Ninarose 22-25, F 8 Responses Sep 13, 2012

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wrong model, most of those people do many things to look perfect, but reality is not so, try seeing her natural without makeup and nails, etc, she is just like any one of us.
you are make in the image of god, but sin distorted our perspective, but jesus paid with his very life for you to make you beautiful inside and outside. I know a girl who was sick her mouth was twisted, and she make jesus hersavior, and jesus healed her totally, and she met a handsome man who calls her an angel. I know them personally.

i don't think u ugly

We have crap days and good days. I just hope things get better for you.

Do it with a back flip.

I would appreciate you killing me.

I would appreciate u not asking me to do something against my personality, i dont kill i create, and if i do kill somebody its myself, i will only murder ME, i have a choice just like everybody else to rush my death or just wait it out, and i will not decide on anybody elses death, if thats how u feel please go get help before u regret it

Not all entertainers are beautiful looking. Being a beautiful person is much more than outward appearance. Your negativity about yourself may be your worst enemy. Try being the best person you can possibly be. When you feel good about who you are, there is an attractiveness about you that naturally comes out. People will notice, your confidence will build, and before you know it, you will be living a life that is perfect for you. Try a little exercise that helped my self esteem. Smile and say hello to everyone you pass. Look at each person as if they are your equal. It doesn't matter how beautiful or ugly they are. It doesn't matter how rich or poor they are. Just smile and say hello to everyone. With each person who smiles and greets you in return, your self esteem will get a boost. Good Luck!!! You have a very fulfilling life ahead!!!

I used to feel like you and I have come a long way since then and I want to help you get out of that negative place. I don't think you want to die I think you just want someone to take notice of you and appreciate you for who you are. You say looks are important to you and that you want to be an entertainer. Thats good it at least gives you a goal in your life and I'm sure that if you try hard and wait for it your chance will come.

i know im not going to get many comments on this so im not going to complain...