Contradictions That Stop Me

I believe that everyone has the right to make a choice

I believe it is wrong to kill yourself

I wonder whether anyone is thinking or worrying about me

I wonder why I even care

I feel lose of control in times of pain

I give my control to love

I love

I hate to love

I don't like emotions

Yet I use them to justify killing myself

I love my family

I hate how they treat me

I love my friends

I could never let them see the blood I have seen

I hate the thought of suicide

Yet it remains

I wonder what I'm worth

Yet tell everyone I don't care if I'm useless

I don't know how to approach emotions without anger

I want to approach emotions with kind and thoughtful wisdom

I don't want to die

It seems so easy to just leave everything behind

I think it cowardly to leave the world

I think it selfish and stupid

I also think it is emotional weakness

But I also think it is brave to be able to do it

I think it responsible and viable

I also think of it as physical strength to be able to pull it off

These contradictions and the people I love are the reasons I'm still here. I didn't get counseling, nor psychiatric help. I looked through everything logically and realized it will always be a part of me to have my ups and downs but I know that I will never be able to pull it off for fear of hurting the ones I love. I strive to protect them from everything not to make them cry over my loss. If I die it will be for them to live, not for my petty insecurities, and over-dramatizations of emotion.
RNPsunshine RNPsunshine
13-15, F
2 Responses Sep 15, 2012

if you look up instead of around, you will find life and a reason to live. and puberty does make youths hate parents, its part of growing up, because you are no longer a child, you now have chores, and it makes you feel unloved. but take it as growin up instead change your perspective. see sometimes from parents side.

I think you are far too young to feel like life is not worth living. You are only just going through puberty ( hormone overload...mood swings ) I have held the hands of people who were dying , who would have given anything to stay here . I am also a supporter of euthanasia, when enough is enough..But i can't stop thinking about a world where those who wish to give up the life that they are given ( and there is only one ) to those that are about to lose there only chance to stay here . Don't let the challenges you are facing make you think about suicide . It S**ts in the face of those who were forced from this world .. No offence intended here ...I just think you need a wake up call ....Never think that life is not worth living . I have also seen the devastation suicide causes to the ones left behind.( far too many times )When you are so young you have nothing to compare PAIN to , so you lack the gauge that helps you process the issue at hand. When you are in your 20s you think you know it all , in your 30s you realise that you only knew the half of it , in your 40s you learn that there is so much more to discover.Keep moving forward ... you will be grateful later on .