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My Life.

Ever since I was 5 years old, I've been made fun of constantly. I started to hate school when I turned 7. I started to not like myself at age 8, and truly hate myself at age 11. The beginning of my story would have to be just before I turned 12. It was the summer after sixth grade. It was a bad year, I didn't have many friends. But that summer is where it all started; my friends left me, ignored me. I started to become sad more and more often. I cried all the time, my family was worried. I turned 12 and seventh grade started. I started seeing my therapist who I still see to this day in September 2009. Very shortly after that, I started to cut. It instantly became out of hand. Every single night, I turned to the blade, it was routine. I have a nervous breakdown at school, they saw the cuts and called my parents. It was discussed with my therapist and I was referred to a psychiatrist. I was put on an anti depressant. They medication didn't do any good. I tried to kill myself, for the first time. My friend talked me out of it, but my parents found out. I had a talk with my therapist and got sent to an overnight psychiatric ward for a week. There I was diagnosed with depression. I couldn't believe it, I was 12 and in a mental hospital. Needless to say, I was terrified. I soon grew to love the place, and the people there. It was difficult to leave. I did good for a very long time, almost a year of very little slip ups here and there. Eighth grade was horrible. There was an incident that I wish to never talk about again, which resulted in me going to a program for two and a half weeks. I'm now in 10th grade, 15 years old, and doing even worse than I was at 12 years old. I've attempted suicide again, but was not found out by my parents. The cutting is getting worse, I have some bad scars. I don't know what to even do with myself anymore. I'm frequently having panic attacks and feeling the need to kill myself. I don't trust anyone, I feel unimportant, I know the world would be a better place without me. I'll be extremely surprised if anyone took the time to read this. If you do, thank you so much. I'm just growing more and more tired each day, and am at the edge... I feel crazy.
bleedingstars bleedingstars 13-15, F 5 Responses Jan 19, 2013

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I will not say think of the pain that you parents will feel if you died, because I'm tired of hearing that myself, I get told: Think about your kids, your husband, your sick mother......What about me? what about you? what about everyone out there that is just simply done?? I don't have the magic solution for you, if I did I wouldn't be on this site...all I can say is that I'm sending you comforting hugs!!

You aren't alone kid I know what's it like to want to end it all, I've come close a couple of times I even sat at the edge of my bed at the end of a long day of dealing with bullies at school with a pistol pointed to my head thinking it would be all over so quick. But then I'd start to think about what kind of grief that would put my family through not to mention that all the bullies at the school would be right telling me I'd be better off dead. Don't give up I didn't.

Your parents obviously care. Be happy you have people who care the rest can **** off! I hated school. I was shy and had problems with making friends and trusting. Life after school is so much better! So hang on, it gets better.....

Thank you soo much for taking your time to respond.. it really does mean a lot. I'm sorry that you're family is treating you like you're crazy, I don't even know what I'd do if I didn't have atleast one person helping me out. I also really do hope that I find my place here somehow, someday.

Thanks. Think about it this way, finding a place in the world is the fun part. It's a little adventure. Try to stop cutting yourself as well, please. It really doesn't help and don't worry, most scars fade. School and high school especially suck. I can't say anything for myself, but so far post high school seems to be good. When I'm feeling low I think of Venice. I've always wanted to go there. It helps to have something to look forward to.

I know the feeling. I'm so glad your family has been so supportive, depression is a hard thing to have. I was diagnosed when I was twelve, but they now believe I'm bipolar. My family treats me like I'm crazy, which leads to me becoming more on edge, which leads them to thinking I'm crazy, which....well you get the idea. I promise you, you're not alone (yes, I'm aware that its the most cliche thing to say, but it's true) you'll find your place in the world, so there's no need to try taking yourself out of it.