I Can't Take It Much More

I can't say I have the balls to kill myself. But I beg God everyday to let me die. I am so tired of people abandoning me. I fell in love with a guy that I feel is the right one for me, he'd never commit just got out of a toxic marriage. I gave him space. He tells me I have all the qualities he's looking for in woman but no longer has that "spark" for me. He now has met someone that after hanging out with her one night watching a movie at his house, she went home and he woke up thinking of her in the a.m. wondering what she was doing. He thought wow I really like this girl something is wrong with me. He use to feel like this for me and that spark he speaks of is temporary you have to work on keeping it going. We both agree when we are together we get excited like school kids, we enjoy each others company and have agreed that we never get bored of each other and find each other compatible and can spend day in and day out without ever going nuts or feeling you need a break. Why would he be willing to give us up? I just can't breath or take the pain, I wish I would never wake up. I take lorazepam to sleep, otherwise I just can't. I hate being like this or that someone has such a hold on me. Death would be easier. I try to tell myself God must have a bigger plan, but I can't see it. Maybe letting him be with this girl and time away from me will help him see clearer, or hopefully I will move forward. I have a couple handsome men who pursue me, but they aren't him. You know when you know who the right one is. It hurts so much, I think about death all the time. I don't know how long I can take it.
slowlydyingnow slowlydyingnow
36-40
Sep 12, 2012