I Just Want To Die

I have tried killing myself 5 times. The first was when I was 17. I put a 7mm hunting rifle in my mouth. Just a I was about to pull the trigger a friend called me.
The second, third, and fourth times was while I was in the military. Once I walked out in the sand to look for a mine. Another I tried overdosing. Another I tried drowning. Each time I was interrupted. The five time was after I was discharged. I didn't fit in with civilians. They were all too oblivious and self-centered to care. No one understood respect or basic manners. I flipped out in church one day when a sudden burst of feedback through the sound system sent me into a kneeling position trying to shoot the source of the sound with an imaginary gun. My marriage crumbled around me. We had a child that was psychotic but no one would help us deal with her. To this day I still hate her for what she did and take great joy in her miserable life as an adult. My wife took pleasure in making my life hell. I just wanted to die. So after a fight where she called the police I grabbed my suicide bag and bolted with the car. Tried to buy a rifle at a local Walmart but lost my debit card. So I found a secluded parking lot and fed exhaust back into the car. The hose kept falling out. When I went back to the house the police were there and I was arrested.
Again, my life is spiraling out of control. Can't stand my job working in computers. Want to kill my co-workers. A simple paring knife into their necks between the cervical vertebrae. Death would be quick, painless, and bloodless. One guy I want to die slow because he irritates me. A knife strike to the femoral artery should do the job. Maybe a second to his liver just to make him bleed internally. Just for kicks I want to strangle him with my bare hands until I feel his life leave his body. Outwardly I appear to have everything in control and a solid future. No one knows my desires to kill. Inward I just want to die. I hate this hell of a marriage I am trapped in. My wife lies to me, steals mail, blocks my access to the family bank accounts, and socks money away for herself. I have little doubt she is supporting our oldest child with money. I can't keep money from her because she will just call the police and have me arrested. I just want to die. Death is my only escape from this hell. Next week I'll have surgery which means I will once again have access to narcotic pain killers. Hopefully enough to finally put me out of this misery. I'll have IV narcs but they are restricted by the PCA. The pills are my key. Add several shots of bourbon with the narcs and I should sleep quickly forever. No more pain. I wonder if there is some way I could contaminate the wound with flesh eating bacteria that would hopefully kill me and make it look like a surgical complication. My younger daughters would split my life insurance I made sure of that. Its not like they like me anyway. But at least they have a chance to make a difference in this ****** world. Why should I continue to live. Why should I even bother trying anymore. Perhaps the easiest would be to just stand on the train tracks and let physics run it course.
I have been trying to kill myself all my life. I am tired of being tortured. No one loves me. No one cares. No one would even notice that I am gone. I am irrelevant. Death is my only escape.
DeathAwaits DeathAwaits
41-45
Dec 15, 2012