But I Can't Because It Would Mess Up My Best Friend

I don't know how to make her hate me and see what a horrible person I really am so I can go and kill myself.  I'm so full of shame it's making me insane. Everything I do contributes to that just a bit more every day. That's because I hate myself so much that I act against myself and I can't stop it because I have no self-respect. I have sought help for this but I don't feel like I deserve to be saved. I'm just useless at this thing called life.


whoslife whoslife
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 9, 2009

Yes, she's an incredible friend and that's why I don't want to hurt her by killing myself. At the same time I hate the fact that somebody cares about me because I don't feel like I deserve it. I can't let anyone like me, or help me, that's how much I hate myself. All the negative things in my life are the result of me hating myself, and I know I have to stop it. Thanks for the encouraging words, I'll try to take them in.

If you can't seem to find a way to make your friend hate you, then they're quite obviously a wonderful friend.<br />
<br />
You've probably heard this many times, but you shouldn't go on hating yourself.<br />
<br />
If you don't want outside help - fine, but you really should think that you can be saved, even just by yourself, you can do it.<br />
<br />
Maybe stop letting all the negative things in your life take over. I know they used to bring me down, and they still do, but just... think of all the positive things, and there are plenty!<br />
<br />
P.S. Don't feel bad about not getting into IB, it was filled with stress and anxiety and filled with people who didn't really care about anything except grades.