Is There Love After Heartache

I had been married 20 years, married kind of young at 23 and he was 20. We had one child and traveled all over the world; he was military and I worked for the federal service as a civilian. When we are young we look for love for all the wrong reasons, i.e. sex is great, he's handsome, we have fun together, but we fail to look at the whole person concept of what's inside a person, their upbringing, things in common and the most important do you really know what marriage and love is all about.

The relationship started off bad with infidelity on his part only six months into the marriage and I was three months pregnant. Fast forward years later and a lot of heartach from him with me trying to keep it all together. During all of this I finished college with a BA and two Master Degrees, which was to help when he retired. He left the family, came back and left again. During that time I started traveling taking positions overseas and experiencing independence and life while raising our daughter. He went on his own with the military but we remained married and through it all I remained faithful.

Right before his retirement (which was due for him to come home. I had just purchased a house and was awaiting his return). He disappears, not to be heard from again. I knew in my heart that he was up to nothing good, and went to see a lawyer, to find out that he had divorced me two years earlier without my knowledge but maintained the facade that we were still married with anniversary gifts, trips home and more. It took me a while to get over that shock that someone would go to that extreme. Heck I've always said if you want a divorce I'd grant one because I'd never hold on to someone that does not want to be held on to, no matter how much I care.

Looking back that was a blessing. I would have never had the strenght to walk away because I believe marriage is forever and I valued my vows. I had the strenght to get over it and it took about a year to realize it was for the best. I took that time to search myself, to understand everything and to know what I wouldn't except again in any relationship. To my amazement I wasn't mad at the entire male species like some women are after they have been done so wrong, because I still believe good men do exist. I am angry with myself that I wasted the most valuable time in my life on someone that wanted nothing out of life but sex with different women, hangin out at bars and clubs and more....but a lesson learned.

Fast foward almost three years later and two very close mutual friends for my bday wanted to introduce me to a friend of theirs... they believed we had so much in common. I was apprehensive at first.. not into blind dates, but eventually gave in. We met the day before my bday at a friends house. It was an extended weekend and they are known for their fun parties so I was there for four days, along with the guy. I could never have guessed in a million years how attentive a person could be to me, how gentleman like, and just how sweet. He made me brunch, took me to a beautiful restaurant and we all just talked and laughed.

Almost five months later we are still in contact, and he is such a sweet person. He is in another state right now but moving back to the state I'm in, in a couple of weeks. We talk for hours and hours on the phone about everything. He has been to see me twice since. More importantly he makes me laugh and makes me happy when I am with him. We have not set anything exclusive because he's there and I'm here, but we have talked about feelings a little, and his exact words are, "I don't know what I feel but I don know that I really care for you and like you more than you realize. Once we are closer who knows." I didn't even think I could have feelings for anyone after such a horrible relationship. I have to add that my ex has no contact with our daughter at all for over a year and a half and we have no knowledge where he is. People are something huh?? I've realized I'm strong and I can endure anything. God blessed me with a beautiful daughter who is almost finished college and the ability to be self supportive. This guy should I give him a chance. I really like him. Is it love? I don't know yet. Could it eventually be love... I think so. I hope it works out.
brieat32 brieat32
36-40, F
5 Responses Sep 17, 2012

Well I have two thoughts, you can try either, both or dont touch touch them ;)

It sounds like you have a huge heart, strong morals and convictions and are extremely loyal based on the story about your ex. Those are all wonderful qualities when given to the right person! I would suggest doing a little check that you are not falling into a similar situation where essentially you are giving more then you are getting and deserve. Youre ex husband was hot/cold, in/out...that is what you know and expect...but there is more out there.

When I met my husband, he was in his 20's and in the military. He is wonderful, but was also hot and cold. One day I realized I needed to give him a long rope so he could hang himself with it if he wanted. He continued to be unsure but I became sure that was his issue and not mine. After just over a year of dating I said goodbye. He got deployed a couple weeks later but the ship unexpectedly turned around 3 weeks after it departed. He showed up at my office offering me the world and telling me he couldnt live without me. We got engaged, then married and its been hot ever since and I dont worry about us at all. Point being...sometimes people truly are confused and walking away is healthy. Not all stories turn out like mine, but it could. If it doesnt, dont be afraid to move forward.

Just make sure you want to spend this much time focusing on someone who is so unsure. Imagine how great it could be focusing on someone who was focused on admiring all your beautiful qualities.

I'm not sure the hiccups are that he still seems to have a wall up. So it could
Be that he's transparent/not too sure of anything IDK. On one hand he says he doesn't want me to leave his life but on the other hand he's hot and cold at times. I feel as if I back off some, which I don't bombard him because that's not me and I feel like I'm a good catch, that either he will step up or keep his distance?? Any advice?

Oh, Im glad you were able to respond!
So is the hiccup that he doesnt want to commit? When I read your initial post where he said "I don't know what I feel but I don know that I really care for you and like you more than you realize. Once we are closer who knows" my initial thought was; hes either really transparent and hes not sue of his feelings yet or hes giving you a peek into his reality.

Yes we are still dating but there have been hiccups but I do really care for him. He says he doesn't want me to leave his life; not too sure what that means. He's been hurt in relationships so I'm seeing where he is guarded as well

I would love to hear where you two are currently! Did it work out and are you two going strong?