I Don't Know Why I Didn't Do It

Las year was a pretty bad year for me. I had graduated college and hated my major. I couldn't be a  teacher because I was awful at it. I felt alone, I've always been emotional and easily angered. But I really felt like everything was over for me. I couldn't get a job that would pay for me to get an apartment and I was stuck at home with my parents who I felt would be so dissappointed in me that I had wasted all that time and money going to college for something I didn't succeed at. I thought about suicide all the time. I wanted to die.

Then my best friend told me that she had finally set a date for her wedding and she wanted me to help her plan the wedding and be her maid of honor. So I waited. I promised myself that I would help her with the wedding and then kill myself later that month after my usefullness was done. I had a plan to drive to an out of the way motel and take a bottle of sleeping pills. I picked a date, wrote my letters and waited. Then I didn't go through with it. I don't know why. This was September 30 of last year. I don't know why I didn't do it and to this day I regret it.

I carry a bottle of sleeping pills and a razor with me at all times and I don't know what it is that keeps me from using it. I don't feel that I have any use in this world and my pain grows stronger every day, but I keep doing what I'm doing and surving through one more day. It makes me so unbelievably angry that there is a part of me that wants to live and it won't show itself to me. Why live? Why do I want to live? Why don't I get to know? I wish I had not chickened out before. Because every day I wake up, I feel like I'm in hell.

fuglywuggly fuglywuggly
1 Response Feb 26, 2010

Kudos to you for your courage. I wish I could find a niche, but its hard when you're living under someones thumb. Everyone says "ask for help, its there." But that is not the truth.