My Personal Theory

Like many others. My interest on all things girly goes back to when I was a child.

First of all let tell you a little about my mother. She married my father at 17 before her HS graduation and I was born when she was 19.

During that time (Mid to late 50's) My mothers parents were going through a divorce. I know it hurt her alot.
My mother also dealt with depression and I have lot of early memories where the curtains were drawn and her sleeping on the couch alot. Also remember her being impatient with me and getting spanked often.

My Grand mother would come over and take us shopping and spend many hours hanging out in beauty salons and women's department stores trying on clothes.
While they shopped. A 4-5 yr old had to entertain myself. You can only image how tired and boring that can be.
But without realising it. I got the feeling that it must be nice to be a girl. Seeing how nice they treated one another the gossip and laughter. I kinda felt left out of the club.

On the street I lived on. The children my age were mostly girls. When I would go play with them. I would again observe how tenderly their mothers fussed over  their hair and clothes.

My Father was a shift worker at the steel mill. So he was a small influence on me during this time.

Then one morning I awoke from a dream where I was being coerced to get my hair done.
Ever since that dream I realised my desire to dress like a girl.

I remember watching TV programing where dance troops where the women wear full flowing dresses twirling around fascinated me. As well as seeing girls twirl in school or church. I always thought that would be fun to do.

There was other programs that centered around a female heroine. Like Alice in Wonderland(BTW I always loved her blue dress and apron),Little Red Riding hood,The Wizard of Oz and the Nutcracker Ballet(Tutus) grabbed my imagination. I liked the dresses they were wearing full and flowing with petticoats.

When it came time for bed, I would try to force my dreams into wearing those dresses.Or try to dream up scenarios where I would be forced to dress like a girl. Because I had to some how protect my child's version of manhood.

Any rate thats my theory.
angiecan angiecan
51-55, T
7 Responses Dec 9, 2012

My cross, a consequence of taking the pills for breast enlargement. Before there was no desire.

There is a lot of credibility and good sense behind your theory. Thanks for sharing your story

I can tell you have all taken many steps down this sometimes painful and other times wonderful path. We fight it, and fight it but it never goes away. I joined the Navy as a way to make it go away too, but all that did was make me envious of the dress white uniforms with skirts and pantyhose I couldn't wear.

It took me years to accept who I am and embrace both sides of me. I still struggle to find that right balance, but I imagine that will be due my whole life.

I hope some young cd’s can learn from us that it didn't go away. You have to be who you are, any thing less is living a lie.

You so put your finger on this. It's A Question of Balance ( a great Moody Blues album as well). Trying to reach and maintain an equilibrium is a delicate exercise. It seems that the girl/ feminine side grows stronger for those of us in our fifties based on anecdotal reports from many of my friends here. Just think what you have waitng ahead for yourself! All I can say is that I have always been happy, and I am happier with myself now than more than I ever have before.

I joined the navy too. And had similar feeling for the female uniforms. Even found a skirt once while on watch and tried it on.Sadly could not close the zipper.

Even got married too. But wondered if I married her for access to her wardrobe.;-)

Your right about balance. Sometime I can put actually dressing away for monthes at a time. But its always there in the background in my mind.

I had the same type of dream at age 5 or so. It was powerful. I knew I was a boy but the hair and dressing dream - after that I knew there was also a very strong feminine element in me. I played boy and liked that too, but the girl side was always there, and it felt extremely good, as it does to this day.

We often think that too much female interaction and not enough male interaction causes our fondness for that which is feminine. Perhaps, but I still believe that unless it's all ready in you. "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." meaning that to want to feel and have feminine things, you might already be a person who enjoys that persuasion but because of sexual stereotyping you had been discouraged from it in simple enough ways that never caused you to think of why, except in retrospect.

I call it how I came wired. Did my mom want a sometimes daughter? Maybe. But did I want my hair in curlers at age 5 and asked to have a flower in my hair like I cute girl I saw? Yes- and that was me deep down, not my mom.

Me too! I was around 7 or 8 and so remember coming in from playing outside with the sons of the guy my mom was dating cause I was bored with their army games and noticed mom and all her lady friends doing the Sunday home perm thing. I asked if I could get my hair done.. needless to say that cause quite the stir, but I do remember one of the ladies quite willing to speak up and say that I should and would look cute. Of course mom made a big point to say "boys don't have their hair curled". Just one more comment holding the closet door closed on my desires to be what I knew I was inside, a little girl wanting little girl things.

Yeah, I wrote that one as a story- I wanted curlers and a perm then and the desire never left me- it continues unabated to this day.

you can change a tigers stripes!

Joanie, Wow! What triggered us to want our hair done when we were that young? My mom put a few curlers in my hair to run around in, but I would have delighted to have gone all in with a perm. Perhaps I wanted to be cute (well, there was no perhaps in it). Wanting my hair curled and permed, well, that just felt natural.

I love hair as well. I think it is one of those iconic makes you feel feminine things. There is no question that my personality locks onto anything girly ;) It's in us, an I bet it's in a lot of people, just as some girls are just tom boys,it's in them. Unfortunately we are still in a society that determines what you should look like is dependent on something no one can see!

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Being forced is the screen behind which little boys who want to be feminine can hide. How do you admit that you want to be wearing panties and petticoats and have your hair permed (especially years ago)? Beiing forced- you get to live your dream but don't have to deal with the demon that you voluntarily elected to forego being a boy.

Your so right. We are tormented by shame and guilt. Yet that need to be pretty and feminine is always with you.

As I entered my teen years, I began to realize that the little girl in me was there to stay. I wasn't quite sure what to do with her as I played varsity sports, hung with guys and started dating (clumsily), but I knew she would be with me for the rest of my life- and I realized that was not all bad, not by a long shot.

I did the sports thing. Joined the Navy, got married and raised 2 sons. During those yrs, the desire was always burning inside.

If any young CD,T-Gurls etc. reads this. There is no cure. Sure you maybe able to purge for a spell.

But that woman in your soul will over power you again when given a chance.

It's it so sad that society scorns an individuals desires simply for the sake of conformity and ignorance. With what I've seen in my short time here on earth, I'm seeing a new vision in the way we look at gender expression. And that we must all keep on keeping on.

Most definitely! first no one should have to repress a real inner feeling to be something they are passionate of. We have to come out of the closets so that young fem boys aren't making the mistake of thinking they can replace "it" with all the normal things.. all that does is create lies and upset families if you aren't fortunate enough to find a person who can accept you for who and what you are in every aspect of your life..

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Nice story taking us into your thoughts!