My whole life I've been trying to figure out what normal is, and how to be it.. My earliest memory is breaking something, I don't even really know what it was, a cup maybe? or maybe a plate? I remember running to one of the cubboards as my mom started yelling, I remember cowering, wishing I was invisible, and then hearing her come towards me, and I remember the feeling of terror, I can't of been that old, maybe 5 or 6? but I remember that she found me, and when she did she gave me a look, I don't really know what it is, it's not really just hatred.. or anger for that matter, but maybe disgust? I still don't know to be honest, but I remember she pulled be out of the closet and started beating me, it didn't matter whether I was sorry, all that mattered was that she needed to punish me, that she enjoyed it... I always thought that was normal until I was 8 or 9 and my dad sent me to a camp thing, it was the first time I saw other kids getting kisses or hugs or whatever, and I realized that other parents actually loved their kids. Nothing ever changed though, I knew what love looked like, but had no understanding of what it felt like.. When I was 9 I started drinking.. I saw it in the movies and thought maybe it could help, and it did for awhile.. but sooner or later it stopped so I started getting into **** when I was around 11, that stopped working a lot faster, so I moved onto drugs.. I remember on my 13th birthday my mom told me I was her biggest mistake, that she should have had an abortion.. To this day I still wish she had. It never stops.. Throughout the rest of my teen years lost my sense of emotion, or at least one of me did, either way I lost the ability to understand so much about why people did what they did or acted they way they did, so I lashed out, and hurt the few people that mattered most to me.. I know people like to brag about how they're tough, or can't feel pain, can't be hurt, but so often I truly can't, and to be completely honest? it's not something to brag about.. you destroy the lives of everyone around you, and you slowly become whatever caused you to be that way in the first place... I would give anything, anything, to be normal, to feel normal, to stop hurting people, I just want to feel.. to understand love, I can feel it at times, at least for one person, maybe two.. but I don't understand it, why can't I? Why can't I feel that deep passionate love that others feel? God.. why can't I be like others? I pushed a depressed girl, a girl I loved, further down the path to suicide all because I can't understand people, what to say, how to act.. I hate it.. I need it to end.. I need everything to end and every day I get a little less scared of dying...
JanusTheTwoSidedCoin JanusTheTwoSidedCoin
22-25, M
3 Responses Aug 27, 2014

without reading anything but the title, (I might read more later, so lazy sry) I have to say, there is no normal for you to find out there in the world. There is only you, and your complex Self, if you can come to terms with that, and let it shine in the face of all life's adversarial crap. If you can find your own normal, and feel comfortable just doing what ever you naturally do, that's when you will be just fine
The rest of it all can go to hell or high water, be the least normal thing a man ever saw, but if u keep your own nomal you wont bat an eye

No, do not kill yourself. You can learn to live a normal, healthy life with people who love and appreciate you and treat you with the kindness and love you deserve.

This book may be helpful even if your parents were not alcoholics. It's a gentle, supportive guide for people who grew up in dysfunctional families: http://www.amazon.com/Recovery-Guide-Adult-Children-Alcoholics/dp/0671645285

Participating in a free, anonymous on-line or in real life group like Codependents Anonymous or Adult Children of Alcoholics may help, too.

I remember what it was like to feel hopeless and to feel like I was a terrible person who didn't deserve to live. Through various means -- including books and groups like I've suggested-- I learned to have patience, love and compassion for myself, and eventually, I blossomed into the kind of person I always had admired, but never thought I could be.

Please trust enough to take steps -- even small ones -- to help you live a happier life and learn that you're worthy of love and can attract it. May you be happy, peaceful and well. May you love yourself just as you are. May you live with ease.

I didn't honestly expect support, but this means a lot.. thank you..

I don't think there's any right definition, at all, to being normal.

Like you, I have a hard time understanding people, I get Isolated and hurt often because I'm ignorant of what to say or do in social situations.

But know you're not alone, there'd always be a chance, for as long as you live to come across someone who feels the same way and like the same things you do, all you need is just to keep moving forward, eventually, even though it's hard, you'll find that one thing that makes everything, every pain, every pitfall all worth it.

Thanks..