Don't Fear The Reaper

Next year at this time I may be dead. My ex gets out of prison after serving 11 years for trying to kidnap and kill me. I have had 11 years to prepare. 8 of those years were spent in and out of hospitals for depression, self-cutting, overdoses....... I neglected my children because I was so traumatized I couldn't function. I was agoraphobic for a while. I still tend to isolate.

I am scared to death, but I cannot hide any longer. I have planned the day when he comes back, which he will. I won't want him, too, of course, but the devil waits for no one.

I play the song in my head over and over....."Don't Fear the Reaper" by Blue Oyster Cult.

And I can no longer stop the tears from flowing freely and whenever they choose. Medication stopped working long ago. Nightmares are getting worse. I hate the night. I hate sleeping, and dreaming. 

I feel alone, and lost, and scared out of my mind.

No platitudes, please. Cops already know, and were useless last time. I caught him last time. I set myself up as bait, against their wishes. Restraining orders mean nothing to him.  He is evil incarnate. He kills animals with his bare hands because he enjoys it. He killed my cats. 

A man like that doesn't change. Evil cannot change. It can only grow stronger.

bluehaiku bluehaiku
41-45, F
4 Responses Mar 6, 2010

I can only imagine what you are going through, it sounds like a thriller movie.<br />
<br />
I don't think getting a gun is a good idea, but if you think it can make you feel more secure then do get a gun.

Thank you, everyone. I am taking steps, and actually feeling much less anxious now. :)

Hell , i can't imagine what it must be like for you to live this way.<br />
Learn how to defend yourself, take some quality lessons and empower yourself. <br />
Any man like that needs his nuts kicking off and locked away for good.<br />
AND he killed your cats, that's like murdering your family members.<br />
I'd want to kill him.<br />
Keep safe. your grand baby needs her nana.

I am not sure about the gun, but I do keep bats handy, and I am taking his knee caps out so I can get a head start. Besides, I have spent some time getting inside HIS head, so I think I may be a bit more prepared psychologically this time., I hope.