Release Me At Last

agePart of the reason I have become so ****** up today is because of this very concept. The ugliness of the passive aggressive household I used to live in has cracked and damaged me in many ways. I will not resign myself to becoming a perpetuating member of the mental abuse I suffered in that environment, and when I'm not still blaming myself and crippledmakng someone  under the weight of all the guilt I still struggle with, I get kind of angry... I guess you could say that's a good thing? My fiance helped me to see exactly how much their warped expectations and mind games ****** with me... and it makes me sad to see how anxious and pathetic I can be to this day because of it. It got to the point where I would literally jump out of my own skin at the sound of my name because I was so afraid. Never knowing what anyone really thought of me. Never knowing what anyone's REAL expectations were, whether anyone was silently resenting me for not being good enough or if for once I actually WAS somehow managing to pass all their bullshit "tests." To this day I am constantly living in fear of people being secretly angry at me and criticizing myself for things that don't really even matter to anyone sane. I hope to God I can heal from everything they ingrained into my brain, because I at least understand now just how warped it was. The programming is still there, and the anxiety left over is still a part of my life, but I swear I WILL learn to live normally again and release myself from the game once and for all.

GirlAnachronism13 GirlAnachronism13
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 11, 2010

Yep, you will learn to let go and not feel so anxious all the time. From what I know it takes time to let the walls down and to trust. After 8yrs I finally figured out my husband is passive aggressive to add to him being physically abusive, he also had ADD, which adds all other issues. If you want the whole store visit my blog: http://www.wifetellsall.blogspot.com<br />
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So, I am too trying to figure out how to not be so on edge and to finally stand up for myself. I'm not going to take it any more. None of it for anyone. I've been a doormat for too long. As with all resolutions my energy and momentum goes up and down.