Not Having Faith In Myself...

I was raised by two parents, and one set of grandparents, who loved me.  I'm sure they did.  However, they were all dysfunctional in varying degrees due to circumstances, many of which were not in their control.  For whatever reason, they "got in their own way", and mine, frequently becoming so preoccupied with themselves that no one else really mattered.  It seemed to me that those around them were only good for whatever service they could provide.  In fact, my grandmother used to determine the value of things by how "serviceable" they were.  Well, the message I got was that I was an object or possession, only there to meet their desires and to keep the peace.  I, as an individual, did not exist.  Everyone else came first.  I was barely seen and no one was interested in hearing me either.  I was told to stop talking or singing, or whatever I did that they did not like at the moment.  Not knowing any better, I grew content, thought I was happy, and that I provided a great service to those around me.  Eventually, my grandmother and I grew close and she felt I was worth enough to educate and free, mainly because she felt so trapped in her own life, and wanted something better for me (God Bless 'er).  In adulthood, I continued as a "people pleaser", a codependent.  Every one of my relationships with women or men were based on that premise, and in the end, after I gave so much of myself to meet their needs and wants, I have found that they have gotten bored of me, left me, been unfaithful to me, and when I have expressed my own needs and desires, disposed of me.  Due to my own deep seated, distorted belief system, I actually pursue those types of people and relationships, and have subconsciously encouraged this kind of behavior.  This has been very painful to realize, yet I know it is frequently the natural progression of human relationships and part of our human existance (survival of the fittest, dog eat dog, etc).  As a result,  I put up walls to distance and protect myself, which interferes with establishing and maintaining intimacy .  Now that I have become conscious of this phenomenon in my life and the part I have played in it,  as I allow myself to experience the pain, I am working through it, and am awakening to the fact that I now, and always have had, the opportunity to realize and pursue my own dreams and desires. The best part is, I am currently capable physically, mentally, and financially of doing so.  I am a positive, caring, faithful,  person, a hard worker, with a huge capacity to love others, and I now realize that I, too, deserve a good life.  I just have to allow myself to have one, and keep the faith...in me!

TruthIz TruthIz
51-55, F
2 Responses Mar 16, 2009

Wow, beautiful. What a blessing to be wiser, and also with the health and resources to now pamper you.

Great insight! I can see how it took years of pain to come to this realization. Glad you're taking care of yourself first. If you don't, no one else will. (One of those "do as I say, not as I do" messages!)