Post

Question, Answered: Why Are Husbands Aroused By Wife's Infidelity?

I was looking for a good scientific explaination for thsi and think I found it... a long read, but if you're interested it's revealing. Which category/s do you fit into? 

-Alex

Why are husbands aroused by wife's infidelity?

Published on July 8, 2010
by Christopher Ryan

...So, I thought I would use this posting to explore these issues, and invite discussion of what these various reasons might be. Even though this practice of wife-sharing focuses on the wife's sexuality, in my experience, this is almost always (99% of the time) prompted by the husband's request. Wives simply do not often or unprompted go to their husbands and request they have permission to have sex with other men. I will tell you that in the research for my book, I heard lots of varied reasons for this desire from various husbands. Some of the reasons were nice, and some were not so nice. I think a discussion of this phenomenon deserves consideration of all the reasons and motivations. So - here you go - my list of the motivations, based upon my research, behind why men would be interested in watching their wives with other men:

A • Voyeurism - many folks suggest that we live in a "pornified culture," where most men of college-age and older have seen ***********, and use it as a part of their sexual repertoire. If they are used to such a voyeuristic process in their sexuality, there is some legitimacy to suggesting they may incorporate it into their marital sexuality. Watching your wife have sex with another man may be a next step, or progression, from watching yourselves have sex by having a mirror on the ceiling during sex, then using a video camera during sex, and then finally watching one's spouse with someone else. Many men told me "My wife is the most beautiful woman in the world to me, I'd rather watch her having sex than some **** actress I don't know."

B • ***** competition - as Christopher Ryan, author Terry Gould, and researchers Baker and Bellis have suggested, there is a biological response playing out here, that affects a male sexual drive. After watching their wife with another man, the husband is prompted biologically to have longer, more vigorous sex, has a shorter refractory period between erections, ********** harder, and his ********* contains more *****. Nearly every couple I interviewed told me that after an episode of the wife having sex with another man, the couple felt like they were "in heat."

C • The Thrill of the Taboo - there are few things in our society as stigmatized as a husband whose wife is unfaithful. Historically, such men have been beaten, ostracized and ridiculed, and regarded as weak, "sissy men." Some of the men I interviewed described explicitly that the taboo was the thrill for them, from the excitement of the forbidden and the naughty.

D • Female empowerment - I was surprised by how many of these couples embraced very powerful feminist principles, and how many of these husbands described the joy they felt at their wife's increased independence, confidence and assertiveness, that came from the wife's freedom to have sex with other men. Many of the men expressed that through their wife's open sexuality, the couple was actively and consciously rejecting social pressures to suppress female sexuality, assert monogamy and patriarchal power.

E • Bisexuality - In more than half of the men I interviewed, male bisexuality played a role in the husband's desires to watch his wife have sex with another man. This played out in many different dynamics. Sometimes, bringing a man to bed with the wife was a pretext, a bait and switch if you will, for the husband to then engage sexually with the man as well. Sometimes, the husbands were very concerned about being seen as heterosexual, but they spent an awful lot of time looking for well-endowed men for their wife. To my mind, a man who is that focused on the size of other men's penises really doesn't qualify as all that straight.

F • Physical health issues - In Lady Chatterley's Lover, Lord Chatterley was physically unable to have intercourse with his wife (though, as my own wife points out, his fingers and tongue still worked just fine - why wasn't he using them?). I did see a number of men who reported that due to physical complaints, they weren't able to be as vigorous in bed as they and their wives would like. While the wives by and large were happy with things as they were, the husbands often felt their wife's loss of sexual satisfaction more strongly than the wife themselves, and were motivated to encourage the wife to sleep with other men.

G • Female sexual fulfillment - women's sexual capacity is far greater than that of males'. The world record for male ******* is about 26 in a 24-hour period. Per Sherfey's research, women have documented as many as 60-65 ******* in a single hour. I saw many men who reported that their wives were highly sexual beings, with a greater sexual capacity, and it simply turned the husbands on and pleased them to be able to see their wives sexually satisfied, at a degree that a single husband couldn't match. I also speculate that there is a degree of vicarious experience here - by being a part of the experience, the husband gets to vicariously experience what it's like to have that greater sexual capacity, and identifies in a strong manner with his wife and the essence of female sexuality in a way that most men never experience.

H • Masochism - Leopold von Sacher-Masoch was a 19th century fan of flagellation, who wrote Venus in Furs, about dominant women. Masochism was named after him. Leopold posted ads in German newspapers of the day, looking for "energetic young men" to befriend and pleasure his wife. (Check out Craigslist, and you'll see Leopold's modern counterparts) Leopold's interest in the experience was specifically the humiliation aspects, of being cuckolded, treated as weak, lesser, and not a real man. Like those who seek the Taboo, the cuckolds often seek out a strong SM flavor, where the husbands are dominated, belittled and degraded.

I • Financial reasons - Most of the women working in Nevada's brothels have husbands and boyfriends at home, who benefit from the wife's sexual exploits for pay. It's not always about the money. A friend, and a wife interviewed in my first book, told me that when she was working as a manager at a brothel, one of the women always called her husband on her cellphone, before bringing a man back to her room for a "party." Unbeknownst to the man, her husband was getting off listening in on the phone. The financial part is a piece that can't be ignored, as it has been around for a long time. In England, men would sometimes set up their wives to be seduces by a man, so that the husband could then sue the man in court. In Florida, in the 1990's, the Sheriff husband of the "Housewife Hooker" hid in the closet videotaping his "nymphomaniac wife" with other men (notably republican politicians), whom the husband then blackmailed.

J • The royalty perk - In the 1960's Motown song, the line goes "save the last dance for me," as the husband watches his wife dance with other men. Many of the men I interviewed got a thrill, a sense of being "king" that they had a wife who was so sexy, that other men wanted to be with, but who ultimately came home with him, the husband. It made the men feel powerful and successful, that they had such a sexy wife.

K • Misogyny - sadly, I saw some couples where the husband's encouragement of the wife to have sex with other men was about a degrading of the woman. Some of these men talked about treating the wife as a *****, as a piece of meat, and "taking her down a peg.

A common fantasy is that the practice of wife-sharing starts when a husband catches his wife cheating, and finds himself strangely turned on. This might sometimes, though very, very rarely. But, it is at root of Dan Savage's past responses to these men, a response that Savage and Ryan didn't repeat in this column. Usually, Savage quotes the "eroticization of fear" hypothesis, that these men so fear their wife'sinfidelity that they eroticize the fear, in order to reduce the anxiety, managing it by sexuality, until they have turned the fear into a sexual fetish. In my book, I encountered a single man who described this scenario. It might happen, but it's a lesser answer than all of the above. Hopefully through their partnership, Christopher Ryan opened Savage's eyes to the wide range of other explanations. 
Can you think of other reasons I missed?


http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201007/why-would-you-do-want-watch-your-wife-another-man

Alex001 Alex001 26-30, M 21 Responses Mar 16, 2011

Your Response

Cancel

Very good

I'm most definetly the last category & some of category g.

great info, thanks for posting

It all about bringing sexual pleasure to my beautiful wife, she loves doing MFM's and being the center of sexual attention with two guys at the same time. It like she has told me she loves me and when the other guy is ******* her he is nothing more then a sex toy to her, to be used for her sexual pleasure. She claims when we Dp her that her ******* are the most intense she has ever felt.

Excellent info ...!!!

In monogamous relationships, fidelity is a means to secure and retain the other person for the other aspects of a relationship - intimacy, companionship and friendship. This is even protected in law in a large number of countries, by preventing a spouse from being summonsed to give evidence against their spouse in a criminal case.

Marriage is also there as a shield (convenient excuse?) to protect the married woman from unwanted sexual attention - or it used to be that way. These days, a married woman seems to be fair game anyway - to test their commitment!

But to me, the root cause justification for fidelity is the protection of non-sexual aspects of the relationship - financial security included. A woman who has been cheated on will say "I gave him the best years of my life" - indicating that she now feels less able to attract a new life partner to replace the cheating spouse.



The concept of "open marriage" is not new. It has been around for centuries - particularly in wealthy elitist societies, where marriages were arranged for power or finacial alliances. Spouses discretely took lovers for sexual gratification, but remained married to protect the arrangement for the sake of the power or financial gain. In such relationships, the real cause of a break-up of the marriage was socially embarrassing the spouse through extramarital activities - even short of physical infidelity.

So what is the new "open marriage" then?

Personally, granting a spouse personal space is vital to an enduring relationship - including outside interests that are not shared. These could be as innocuous as book clubs, gym, concerts and such. They permit a partner to fulfil an interest that is not shared without jeopardizing the relationship. In my own case, I am an avid motorcyclist and tour extensively without my spouse as she is not into biking at all. Motorcycling is the reason why I leave our home - she is the reason why I RETURN.

The important thing is - I do not have to choose between my wife and my motorcycling. Forcing to choose one would cause resentment through loss of the other.

There are couples who allow the same freedom in sexuality. Some men only allow wives to take a female lover to satify bisexual appetites. Others give their wives the freedom to explore their sexual appetites, with the common understanding that it is not indifference that motivates this, but that their sharing of a person is the pinnacle of their caring for that person. "If you truly love someone, set them free."

We teach our children "sharing is caring" when it comes to toys and books.

Why do we deny this to our spouses in our relationships? Selfish protectionism?



Only one thing excites more than an erotic story - that is a confidante sharing an intimate erotic event of their own with you. Sharing could be listening or watching. Movies have made voyeurs of us all. But watching a stage play is far more enriching and exciting than a movie as it involves physical people in your presence. Sharing your partner is like being right their on the stage of an erotic play. After the performance, you get to go home together and talk about it in bed... or in the car or on the rug on lounge floor!

v true, thanks for writing down your thoughts

Growing up *********** was rare and hard to find. When I got to college - it was much easier to find. Then the internet opened up the floodgates! A-Voyeurism was probably the main reason although C-The thrill of taboo is pretty stong too. I wonder if that deep down I also like E and B might also play a role although I remind myself daily "I'm straight...I'm straight!"

I personally like knowing that there are numerous men who know what I have and how good my wife is in bed. Like last night, my wife's lover admitted, he is just for fun. He is not my wife's number one. I am. He stated that he is just there to bring us both pleasure. He has sex with my wife about 3-4 times a week, and has for about three months now. We met him through craigslist. Since our first get together we have gone mountain biking and gone on camping trips together. He is very forward and is also very masculine. I am not forward at all. My wife likes that when she is with both of us she has his and my tendencies and personality traits mixed, which she enjoys.



The lover my wife had last, last night, is only one of many men my wife has sex with regularly every week. She has sex with our friend's husband every night, she has sex with the last lover last night 3-4 times a week. My wife has sex with a lover we met through craigslist, he is South African and dark skinned, at least three times a week. My wife also has sex 3-4 times a week with three guys I used to work with, one of them used to be my boss. My wife also sees three other men we originally met through craigslist a 3-4 times a week.



My wife has sex with her regulars as well as men we meet at the adult book store and the wing clubs we go to. My wife loves sex. She likes variety. She loves me, but she also loves to please other men. I like knowing that so many men have and do have sex with my wife. I like that so many men know how lucky I am to have such a sexual wife.



Too many men have wives that are not sexual. I like having men tell me how lucky I am as they are having sex with my wife. I also like it when men tell me they wish they had a wife like mine. I enjoy it when other men tell me they wish they could meet and marry a woman like my wife. And I like it when my wife thanks me for allowing her to have sex with the men she has sex with.



There are seven men that I work with that have had sex with my wife. On a daily basis they talk about how lucky I am, as well as how much fun they had or have with my wife. My wife's picture is on all of their desks. When we have clients to the office it is fun to see their faces when they notice that it is the same woman in the pictures on all of the mens desks. We have even had clients to our house who asked about my wife's pictures.



I think what I like most about sharing my wife is being told by the men who have sex with my wife how lucky I am. And I agree with them.

ABCDEG!

I can't answer why it turned and turns me on, we got very close to it happening with a man having online sex with my wife and i confess i have never been so sexualy excited in my life as i witnessed my wife 'flirt and have online sex' with another man, the sexual high was fantastic, but it was also very dangerous and potentialy harmful for our relationship In the end was i glad that my wife did not actualy have sex with her online lover? That is a hard question to answer, i never thought for one minute when i started this that she would quickly want what i thought i wanted, and honestly still don't know the answer myself. I can say that we both learned a lot from the experience about each others sexuality

So no sharing??

I am not sure Alex001. I have just heard of a man's sexual fixation on his mother referred to as an "Oedipus Complex" which originated with Sigmund Freud. It is based on the Greek mythological character Oedipus, who killed his father and then married his mother.



The female equivalent is the "Electra Complex" which also originated with Freud. Its based on the Greek character Electra. It is a little bit different because although it involves a woman's fixation on her father, it is actually less about the sex, and more about competition with her mother for her father's attention. In the story of Electra, she and her brother plotted a revenge killing of their mother and stepfather, because they had killed their father, Agamemnon.



An interesting side note is that Freud was addicted to cocaine and some modern day psychologists believe that this had something to do with his sexual obsessions and belief that everything that everyone does or thinks is somehow psychologically related to sex.

how is that?

"Hows about Mother Fixation (transference onto wifey of a repressed desire for mum which can only be satisfied by The Other)"



aka Oedipus complex.

I would like to know more about this.

I think much of the article is true and addresses things from the male perspective, but not the female. I think Mr. Jones touched on this when he wrote:



"This original article of Dr. David J. Ley, Ph.D. is very interesting and fails in my opinion to address the emotional issues that may damage the psychic of the females, family unit, and the male’s protective role."



I could not agree with his comment more since I have done this and found that sharing created emotional issues for me that damaged my psyche, our family unit, my ex husband's protective role, and much more.

In my case, when my wife and I were actively involved in this lifestyle, the reasons included A, D, E, and G. While we are not currently active in the lifestyle, if we were I would have to add F.



I agree this is a great and concise explanation. I have offered similar explanations to questions and stories on EP, but I have to say this is slightly more complete as I overlooked B, C, and I and I described K somewhat differently. But then I am not a psychologist or researcher either.

I know my comments will not be well received by many on EP, but I do wish they would consider thinking about the goals of the writer.



This original article of Dr. David J. Ley, Ph.D. is very interesting and fails in my opinion to address the emotional issues that may damage the psychic of the females, family unit, and the male’s protective role. It is my opinion that Dr. Ley, PhD is self-promoting expert for his clinic and sale of his books through his many articles written in Psychology Today. His appeal is through his ability to provide explanations that the general public feel good about.

ABCDGHJ is a good breakdown for us. My favorite thing about it is seeing her reactions with someone that is bigger or better in bed. Kind of a what if I had kinda thing. But I also just love showing her off. Even just watching her flirt or get felt up is so hot. I like seeing her independent side as if she were slutting it up as a single girl. I love being jealous to it's such a rush. She recently ****** a friend without me and at his house in his bed and he came inside of her. I sent her over to **** him and my imagination ran wild. When she got home she laid with me and told me she was lucky to have me. She said that even after she told me he ***** her better than me. I told her that I want her to **** him more and even find a second guy so she can cheat on me more. I love the fact of her cheating,having fun,getting ****** and being naughty. When she tells me about what he did to her I just want to **** her harder and show her how much she means to me. So it works out great because she loves when I show her attention. She will always be my #1 **** star and #1 lady.

ABCDGHJ is a good breakdown for us. My favorite thing about it is seeing her reactions with someone that is bigger or better in bed. Kind of a what if I had kinda thing. But I also just love showing her off. Even just watching her flirt or get felt up is so hot. I like seeing her independent side as if she were slutting it up as a single girl. I love being jealous to it's such a rush. She recently ****** a friend without me and at his house in his bed and he came inside of her. I sent her over to **** him and my imagination ran wild. When she got home she laid with me and told me she was lucky to have me. She said that even after she told me he ***** her better than me. I told her that I want her to **** him more and even find a second guy so she can cheat on me more. I love the fact of her cheating,having fun,getting ****** and being naughty. When she tells me about what he did to her I just want to **** her harder and show her how much she means to me. So it works out great because she loves when I show her attention. She will always be my #1 **** star and #1 lady.

ACD here

In our case it would be A,B,C,D,G,&J. I know I'm a very lucky guy to have such a sexy wife, and seeing her enjoying sex with other men, not only brings her sexual pleasure but me also.

It like my wife has stated she loves me and when she ******* another man he is nothing more then a sex toy to her, to be used for her sexual pleasure.

Fantastic and informative post