I Have An Addiction To *********** Usage.

Please bear with me as I try to relate my story as respectfully and appropriately as possible.

I am 22 years old. My first real encounter with *********** was when I was about 12 years old. I have had some very remarkable and grand experiences in my life. Things that I am so proud, things that I feel, have defined me. Sadly, in these near 10 years, there are many negative aspects of my life that have been shaped because of **** usage.

Curiosity first lead me to search for images on the internet as young man. The excitement I experienced really left an impact on me; so much, that it wasn't long before I started turning back to search for more intense images. My loving parents had always advised me to approach them with concerns. I definitely had a trust in them. However, it must have been the thought of breaking their hearts, or bringing shame to myself that deterred me from ever talking to them about it.

When I was about 15 my parents found **** on the family computer and talked to me about it. My emotions were enigmatic. I had the most wrenching feeling in my heart at first. I was caught. All that filth was now in plain sight. It was followed by some relief. For the first time in 3 years I felt like I could talk about it. The thought of overcoming this was so far out of reach. There was just one problem. I didn't fully understand just how far the addiction had rooted itself in me. And without any blame or criticism of my parents, I don't believe they did either. To compare it to a weed in a garden, we had plucked out most of the weed but those nasty roots still remained. So for a while my garden was looking pretty good. Other aspects of my life started to flourish. But the weeds came back.

I knew what I needed to do. Talk to the people I trust most. I feel like I was so close to bringing it up but then an absolutely huge flood seemed to come over me. "This is the second time you've fallen! The shame! You're just trampling on the trust mom and dad have for you." --I want to make one thing clear. You can't say 'rationalize' without saying 'lies'--

A relapse hit and it hit hard. I got involved with videos online. The content alone wasn't satisfying as it once had, so I resolved to ************. This continued and intensified up until about one year ago. I am happy to say that I took a step of faith. I walked into the thick, dark cloud my rationalizations had cast. I spoke to my father about it. Every truth I uttered was harder than the previous, and yet each felt like an enormous burden lifted from me. I even approached a very trusted ecclesiastical leader about it. We made a plan of how to fight back. And that is where I am today. Truth be told, I have slipped up since but I'm fighting. I'm fighting.

I would like to share a few things I've learned through my addiction.

1-People all around us have infinite worth. The fact that they are living and breathing is a miracle in itself. They are to be treated as such. Only then can we reach the potential of having rich and rewarding relationships with family, friends and acquaintances. My adversary, ***********, would have me think the opposite. We can seek out pure pleasure or pure joy. I know from experience that joy is a better way of life.

2-From my understanding, our minds have a mechanism often referred to as the "pleasure center." When activated by certain drugs or behaviors, it overpowers the part of our brain that governs our willpower, judgment, logic, and morality. This leads someone struggling with addictive behavior to abandon what he or she knows is right. Much like treating a cut or a scrape, it isn't enough to simply remove dirt and debris from a wound. If left unattended, more impurities will find their way in and infect. We need to fill the gap or void left by the inappropriate behavior by replacing them with wholesome substitutes. We need to communicate to others what we feel we are experiencing.

Thank you to those who have read this. I would love to hear you thoughts. We are remarkable people!
Sincerely,

redE4change
redE4change redE4change
22-25, M
1 Response May 16, 2012

I always liked **** since I was a teen, but had very little, to even look at. I didn't have internet access until maybe 4yrs ago, and that's when it really started. Having that much access for free at my finger tips, opened up so many doors, and theres quite a few I wish were left close.