Love Hurts But Sometimes It's A Good Hurt And It Feels Like I'm Alive -incubus

I am experiencing love right now, the bad kind, the one that destroys you slowly but the other person doesn't have an inkling of it. She loves me, or I guess that what she made me think all this time but the way she loves is really lacking. Maybe any love won't ever be enough for a person like me. She gives me food to eat, place to stay, lets me watch tv to keep me occupied, she even tells me that failing a class wont make her love me any less. Somehow the latter scared me the most, I feel like whatever I do she will always think Im fine and that there is nothing wrong with me. I've been living with her since I can remember and yet she still isn't alarmed by how our lives is so pathetic. I hate her at the same time too for not having any idea of how much Im suffering right now. I hate it that she makes me feel guilty whenever I try to voice my real emotions. I hate it! That everything will always be about her, how heroic she is for putting up with me and how of a coward I am for not fixing **** on my own. She always wins, she will always leave me hating myself even more for not being as strong as her. She always say she loves me, she hugs me at every chance she gets. But that is it, that's how she shows her love. That's not the kind of love I need. I need someone to believe what I'm saying and help me fix what is really wrong. I need someone to talk to freely without interruptions of things like 'If I were in your shoes'. I just want her to listen and be on the same page with me. But that will never happen. She's too busy making her own dreams come true. She will excel in her job, she's always been an achiever. She's really doing great for herself.

I guess love for me is to be able to stand up for someone and not let them destroy themselves. Love is believing in someone that they can change and be able to achieve whatever they want, be it a pastor or a plumber. Loving someone means you'd be there at the times when they really need it. Loving someone is being proactive, if something is wrong, you dont deny it, you try to face it together. Believing is the key. If you can believe in someone that they can be whatever they want to be and support them at it because you truly believe in them, then so be it. I hate the fact that my mother doubts me even though she doesnt say it explicitly. I get it I wont make it out there if I dont get a "real" job because Im just not that good enough and Im really not that smart to make it by myself. Somehow along the way I've come to believe it and it becomes true.

Even though I hate her I still love her, I think. At least she doesnt physically abuse me. At least she's not a mess like other moms. She really is resilient. She likes to play the martyr by not divorcing my dad even though she made it clear that she doesnt love him. She stands up for herself at least to the customer service people. She is a well adjusted person. She is a really good person overall, but she tends to surround herself with **** ups like my dad and fake friends. I guess she like to be the only normal one among a bunch of freaks. I hate her but I love her for not being too ****** up like other moms.

Belated Happy Mothers' Day!
aokigahara29 aokigahara29
18-21, F
1 Response May 20, 2012

You may want to read " Getting the Love You Want" by Harville Hendricks