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I Pull Out All Of My Eyelashes

I am very ashamed to say this, it is extremely hard for me. I need to let this out so others know that they are not alone. It is my way of getting out my pain and frustrations with myself. My eyes were my best feature and still are... they are hazel green with tints of yellow in it and flecks of light brown... but now they are bare. They used to be protected with thick, long, very dark eyelashes. I always got compliments on them especially by people I didn't know and it felt good. I am my worst enemy.
When I was very little about the age of four, I started rubbing my eyes and pulling out eyelashes while watching tv. My parents noticed patches missing and got concerned that I was sick due to a premature birth. I was only one pound and a half when I was born and my mom was only 24 weeks pregnant with me when a full term baby should be 40 weeks. Anyway, that's a different topic. That obviously was not it. They watched me closely to see when, where and how they fall out. Then they had found the source. Me. I did this.
As I got older I knew it was wrong and I tried to stop. My parents did whatever they could. They put mittens on my hands told me to read and to get my mind off, but nothing could keep my hands away. So they resorted to buying me baby dolls with long black eyelashes. It felt the same, but I didnt have the satisfaction of the actual tugging on my own eyelid. I didnt stop pulling on the baby dolls eyes tho until every single lash was gone. It only took two minutes. Then they thought showing me pictures of myself with bare eyes would show me what I was doing to myself. This made me stop for a few years. Gradually I stopped. I didn't do it for the next 9 years.
Now I am battling anxiety and depression due to everyday life. All my eyelashes are gone once again. Now that nothing is there i wear false eyelashes to make myself feel good, but the urge is always there. I am afraid that it may lead to more, but I can't worry now. I just want everyone to know that if you have this problem you are not alone.
deleted deleted 26-30 4 Responses Mar 21, 2012

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meditation is the key to battling anxiety. I know because in the past myself has damaged by myself as well. Meditation helped me stop. Now and again under stressful situations myself would hurt myself again. but then i always sink back into meditation. Its a more peaceful fight now. and i am more accepting of myself.

I think you are very courageous to tell this to everyone... I understand what it is to have a bad habit hard to stop...

If this is your worst regret in life... rejoice... there is alot of people that got much worst regret than that!

I wonder if this is related to the nervous condition Trichotillomania. My cousin suffers from this and it is when someone develops the habit of pulling out their hair due to stress, depression, or anxiety. Some people do it one by one, and others do it in swatches if hair. I've never heard of someone doing it with thier eyelashes but I'm SURE it's related. You are NOT alone.

When you start to do it again just think, you are truly a miracle to have survived being born at 24 weeks. You have a purpose and pulling out your hair is self destructive. Don't destroy a blessing. You are a blessing.

at 17 not taking my wife and our money and going to live in canada then maybe she would still be alive today and we both would nothave been hurt in viet nam i was almost killed she was killed in a safe zone siagon