Just Right Part One

‪Him‬: you are too much
‪me‬: No, darling.
I am just right.

~ Chat with Milky, 6 January 2013

I've thought of him constantly, you know. The man I've taken as a cyber lover these past few weeks.  He came into my life much in the same way that hundreds of other men have done; he responded to one of my many profiles posted on sites across the internet.  This particular one was a BDSM site, one I'd resisted for a while despite one of my other lovers' enthusiastic endorsements of the place.  One can only maintain so many accounts.  There are only so many hour in a day.  And I've a lot of gentlemen friends already.  But something made me join it this fall, and I'm so very glad I did.

Perhaps it was because I was seeking to enlarge my stable, to jump into a new pool, to cast my line out there while reminding myself that there are plenty of fish in the sea.  I'd thought I'd found the man of my dreams, you see, but that turned out to be a bit of a disaster when he abandoned ship.  I happen to know where his life raft landed, as his home and work locations are a matter of public record, but there's enough pride in me that I haven't reached out to him to pursue him.  Not that I'd ever show up on his home doorstep, but it's tempting to pop into his workplace to say howdy.  The devil in me has contemplated sending him a package of Spencer's penis-shaped pasta.  A small box, addressed to him at his work, marked Personal.  Just to let him know that you can run but you can't hide.

But that would be stupid and sort of creepy, and I like to think I'm neither of those things.  So instead I've tried to focus on finding my bliss all over again, and I think I've done a pretty good job.  My heart is resilient, more resilient than I'd feared.  I love and am loved. By friends, family and some wonderful gentlemen writers.   And it feels darned good.  And I lust and am lusted over.  By some marvelous guys who really know me, and a ton who don't, but they do enjoy my writing and the fantasy girl they imagine in their fevered brains. That feels pretty nice, too.

As I contemplate diving into the sea of love to swim one more, I think about the attributes of a man worth my breaststrokes.  First, he must not be confused about what he wants.  J is not confused.  He wishes to remain married.  He knows that he wants to have adventure.  He knows that he likes to control things.  But he knows that merely doing what he's always done can get boring over time, and that trying something new, something unconventional, could bring great satisfaction and pleasure. 

And by something new, I'm referring to being with a switch.  Allowing her access to the rear entrance.  Surrendering a bit now and then.  Any man who will be my lover, I've decided - other than my husband, I mean - must be willing to at least try that.  I want to rim, I want to massage, and I want to peg.  It's a non-negotiable.  It needn't be a nightly thing, but it's not going to be a once in a blue moon event, either.

I suppose that's the second thing I look for in a lover.  A willingness to indulge my desire for butt love.  And by butt love, I'm not just talking about me playing with his.  I mean him playing with mine.  I am perilously close to the half century mark and I've yet to take it up the ***.  That has to change.

Third - and bear in mind this list is not going to be in any particular order, so don't assume this is the third most important thing, because I am just writing off the top of my head, and the final thing may well prove to be more crucial than this one - my lover has to want more than a one night stand.  I've not safeguarded my heart and my health this many years only to blow it all with someone who screws around willy-nilly.  J made it clear he is looking for more than a quick ****.  That he is willing to take things slow. He has a track record of loving 'em and not leaving 'em.  His last mistress was with him for six years.  That's impressive, I think.  Longer than quite a few marriages, in fact.  He'd be with her still if her husband hadn't been transferred overseas.  I like that sort of commitment in a fellow.  It's reassuring.

Fourth is clear communication of desires.  After we'd spent some time together and I'd made it clear I liked him, J told me he would prefer it if I limited my ******* to virtual encounters.  There was no "you deserve a younger man than me," no "you should use your hall pass to explore your sexuality," no ambiguous statements.  He wanted to meet me, to see how we fit together, and he was willing to invest some time in wooing me.  In return, he expected me to invest as well.  He gets that I'm a writer, that I'm trying to learn as much as I can, that I'm gathering material from many men in many unconventional ways like chatting, camming and phoning.  But he wants my lips to be for him.  And since I'd just as soon that the man I'm with reserves his lips for me, that seems quite reasonable.  I like my freedom, but I also love being loved.  And with love comes some boundary lines.  He's a good surveyor, and he knows that it's important to map out the lay of the land to avoid property disputes.  Getting that stuff established early on prevents misunderstandings.

Please, God, give me a man who knows what he wants and isn't afraid to have high expectations.  I think J might be that person.  We'll see.
milkynips milkynips
46-50, F
1 Response Jan 7, 2013

I wish you happiness, whatever that is for you, wherever it is, and with whomever. You are a fascinating and lovely woman whose depths deserve to be plumbed.

From your lips to God's ears. :)

Sorry, but I don't think God accepts that kind of request. You're probably on your own with this one. You could, however, thank Him for that "free will" thing. :)