Getting It Off My Chest

i have acknowledged countless times to myself and my friends that fears of exposing my flaws are what holds me back, they are what make me afraid

so i will list out these flaws here, anonymously so i can see just what is holding my back.

1) i crave admiration shamelessly out of insecurity in myself
2) i want to be the best in the things i openly try in.. if i suck at it, i pull back any emotional investment and pretend that i don't care because failure hurts too much
3) i can't face my problems and prefer to run away
4) i will go to any length of deception for people to have the image of me that i'd like them to
5) i want people to think i'm invincible
6) i'm not invincible
7) i want to be included
8) i'm tired of being the "friend who understands" when i never show up on someone's facebook or msn display picture simply because they know i won't get mad if i'm not there and i'll act like i don't care
9) my pride prevents me from showing that i do care that i'm not in these display pictures if they claim that we are so close
10) i love control. i want people to think i'm their closest friend but i want to be able to not consider them my closest friends
11) i lie. a lot. i lie about my past present and future, have no problem doing so
12) i'm lonely and my insecurity dictates that i always want to be cared about
13) i crave affection but pretend i am comfortable enough with myself not to need it
14) i don't know if i'm straight
15) i am short and 112 lbs
16) i tell people i'm 110. i think im too chubby even though im okay with it but i will never be completely satisfied with my body
17) i want to die so many times because things can't go exactly the way i wan't
18) i can't let go
19) i'm scared that someone i know is on this site.
aloneandintimidating aloneandintimidating
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 13, 2007

Kudos to you for having the courage to face your own flaws :)<br />
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For the record, it is my deep conviction you are more likely to be loved, as in truly loved, for these imperfections that you have listed, than you are to be loved for any "achievements". Beyond the facile and completely artificial world of highschool, people with depth are interested in what makes up a person, not what that person has done. Deeds are for strangers. Flaws are for true friends and loves.<br />
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I think that if you are looking to try and reduce the impact of these things on your life, then you could do a lot worse than beginning to understand your deepest self. Below the surface. Below the thoughts. Below the feelings. Below the past. Below the stampede of fear. Where there are no thoughts, just perception. That is the root of serenity. <br />
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Good luck, no matter what path you chose to seek happiness by :)