When Will Insanity End...sick And Depressed Husband

I am married to a man that has battled depression for over 25 years, 20 of those years shared with me.

Now he is not only mentally ill, he also, physically sick becasue of bad choices in his youth and young adutlhood. He's had injuries from sports, fighting and so on.

As many know depression causes people to see life a bit "off." So to add this mental illness he has obtained a life long struggle with  fybromalgia, or (CPS) chronic pain syndrome. Doctors are learningmore everyday about the illness, and finding that it is a result in many cases (not all), drug abuse or suddne medical injury(shock). My husband did every kind of drug possible as a teenager and young adult, he fought every weekend and drank like a fish. 

I did not know him as an active addict, until years after we were married when he ressumed drinking.  He is now taking drugs in a leagal manner, via perscriptions. He is on moriphine, oxy, as well as lyrica and symbalta for pain. He stays in a constant state of drowsy like behavior.  

And today, I look across the room at any given time and see him sleeping in his lounge chair, with head leaning backwards and mouth hanging open. He will grunt, twitch and snort. I just am so sick of seeing this. And he wonders why I don't find him attractive or want ot sleep with him.

I am worn out and tired of trying so hard to make a maarriage work I expected marriage to be a fulltime commitment and knew that obstales would come up. I was prepared for that. But I was not prepared to be the one partner that ALWAYS has to serve the other.

Someone please tell me what to do? I know I will be the jerk for asking an ill spouse to get out. But I just can't take it anymore. He is so mentally ill  and so impossible to live with. I feel so guitly and for thinking these things. He is completely dependent  on me for everything, yes everything. I am smothered to death.This from a man who didn't give a rat's *** about me when he was running around with women, while I was pregnant and faithful. The same man that has dimished my finances again and again.

Last week I asked my adult daughter to consider joinging ballrom dancing with me. We talked about doing it, the dresses, the exercizse the fun and so on. It was going to be alt of fun and a healthy way to get out of the house. Guess what? My husband told me, "go ahead and do it, but don't get into conversations about me and start talking about negative things."

Geez.. it wasn't about him at all. But gosh darn it had to be in the long run. So of course I am not going to ballroom dancing. He ruined it for me. The excitement - gone. 

If he was to leave - he has no where to go except mom and dad's. They are eldery and don't this crap in their life either. So what am I to do? Please someone help and tell me what to do?

yogibearmama yogibearmama
46-50, F
6 Responses Mar 4, 2010

Sadly, this scenario is understood (20+years of marriage here too). The last 6 years of my life have been HELL, and for my spouse too (I certainly have not lost my ability to extend sympathy), but I too am at pointe break with the habitual depression, mood swings, loss of love life, and general 24/7 grouch that I live with (operative term, it is truly like we are room mates only.) I often battle in my head all of the justifications to call it quits and alternatively the guilt of courting that decision. Sadly, our tale did not involve knowns coming into the marriage as with our originating poster, instead being the results of multiple injuries coupled with the ongoing recessive economy and my spouse's continuing inability to get work. (Don't get me wrong, I KNOW jobs are hard to find these days, but I also know that my spouse is doing nothing to think out of the box to secure work). I am EXHAUSTED with stroking the ego of a person incapable of emotional growth, and am tired of living in the hermit's world of an imbalanced/depressed spouse. I truly grieve for all that was once my spouse and my life. <br />
<br />
So now what? How many years of trying to work through this will allow me to let go without overwhelming pangs of guilt for all my spouse went through and at no fault of his own, but continues to fail to move beyond (admittedly, to the extent one can when dealing with injuries...both physical and emotional)? I am not getting any younger, and am so unhappy that I have packed on 45lbs since all of this started! Better than drinking away my woes I suppose? Bottom line...when is it time to pick up the shards of a life and put them somewhere where we can no longer risk cutting ourselves on a daily basis? How much/many years does one allow the essence of "self" to deteriorate before admitting that there is nothing more to give?<br />
<br />
If I could have done anything to tempt fate to spare my spouse the injuries, I certainly would have...but as anyone with similar issue knows, fate shows no mercy or favors. Now I am left with a gut wrenching decision that I simply don't want to make...one which would make me face and affirm that there is no hope for the life I, we, once had. : (<br />
<br />
My heart goes out to all similarly situated and grappling with this life altering decision. You are definitely not alone/someone is thinking about you while you wander looking for direction on on your journey!

I am Praying For You

Wow, that's a lot for one person to handle. You have to think about yourself and what is best for your sanity, too. You need to be ina place where you can be happy- life is too short to be that unhappy. That's what I keep telling myself. Wish you luck in these hard times.

Thank you all for responding. Your thoughts are helpful. I don't feel so alone through this. These are things that I cannot talk about with family until I have decided how to handle this. I feel the love man !

Wow that's alot to deal with for such a long time, and from your comments, it sounds you are not happy. My heart goes out to you. <br />
<br />
Finding a counsellor to talk with about your issues may be a good place to start. Many organizations have individual & group support to help sort through feelings dealing with ill spouses, choices & options for yourself, help develop plans to cope, leave, etc., and can provide resources to help.<br />
<br />
Above all, take care of yourself - you deserve to be happy.

Tough situation to be in! Have faith, do what you think is right.

I left my formerly darling spouse who developed narcolepsy. It is a very misunderstood disease and he has it bad. It utterly transformed him into a hard-hearted, self absorbed stranger who didn't love me anymore. I am glad I divorced him although I grieve terribly for my loss of what was once a happy marriage. However, I am basically OK now and he proceeds to descend into mental illness, including hoarding and maybe even schizophrenia. Well, it breaks my heart, BUT it is NOT my fault and staying with him was not an option. So I'm doing my best to get on with my own life and I am better off as a result. By the way, he told me I couldn't join the line dancing class years ago. I am in the class now and intend to go boot-scootin' soon! It's a joy to dance and be myself. So that's my story, and I'm stickin' with it! Save yourself, Sister, your kids deserve a healthy mom!

Wow I have fibromyalgia and even I would leave.

I'm sorry for your situation. You shouldn't feel guilty at all; to do so would be to feel guilty for being human. <br />
Everyone needs to maintain a balance in their lives. In order for you to be healthy, you need to take care of yourself first. Part of this would be to get out of the house. If your husband truly understood the situation he would encourage you to get out of the house to have 'me' time for yourself. <br />
Any relationship can only be as good as the two partners as they stand alone and grow. <br />
My best wishes to you. <br />
Paco35:)