Give Me The Strenght And Courage To Leave My Alcoholic Husband

I have been with my husband for ten years now. I have three boys my eldest is from a previous relationship and the youngest two are from this relationship. He has always had a problem with drinking. He knows and admits he has a problem, he has tried to get help and has seen the doctor and been for councling. Nothing seems to work, Last year he tried to stop and after two days of not drinking he callapsed and had an alcohol withdrawl fit. Which I witnessed and was trumatised by. He has been told that his liver is damaged and he has high blood pressure, he is only 40. The down side is that we live in and run a pub. So he has the alcohol on tap.

I have made numorous threats to leave and did move out for a week. He is currently going through another episode where he is constently drunk and doesnt sober up enough so I can talk to him and make him realise what he is doing. He is never violent but says and does things that I find very embarrassing and I really dont want to be around him. My eldest son is twelve and knows what is happening and normally stays out of the way of him. I stay with him because I hope one day he will stop but I am starting to realise that this will never happen. Because he is the manager of the pub and the accomadation comes with the job it is me that would have to leave. This scares me as I dont know where to go or what to do. I know that as a mother I need to think about my kids but being a single mum to three boys is something I never saw happening. I feel very alone as it not something you can discuss with people you know as its a disease that you feel asamed about and feel you will be judged.
mumofthree mumofthree
31-35, F
5 Responses Mar 9, 2011

I have been with an alcoholic for thirteen years. We have three kids together but never married because I never pushed it. He has been married twice and we always had so many issues I was afraid to marry him. Now I am a stay at home mom and he just lost his job. We are ok financially for now but he is home all day and goes out at about 2pm almost daily to go to the bar. I am so afraid when I get the kids from school and he is not home yet. I know he is still at the bar. I feel so stuck, not having a job-even though I had a major career before kids-and no money to get a start on my own. In the past I have even tried to get him to move out, but he won't, he won't leave the kids, even though he does not give them much quality time and is sort of verbally abusive. The other night he even slapped our seven year old on the back really hard because she spilled something on the floor on purpose, he said. <br />
We go through stages too, where I think it will be ok, and I pray and pray, but then it is not again. It is not ok. I am so fed up with this crap and have no place to go. It's time for a plan. Again. <br />
Make a plan. Get your own secret account. Stash as much money/old jelwelry/gold/silver as you can. Get a Go Phone or other pay by the minute phone and hide it in your car. Keep a bag of extra clothes for you and your kids in you car. Find out if there is a Domestic Violence Women's Center in your area and keep that number handy. Keep an address book with all your support people's phone numbers in your car. If you don't have a church try to join one, christians are a great support network. I know all this sounds so secretive, but this is your life, and these men are unpredictable when they drink, we have to protect ourselves and our kids.

I understand how you feel, I can not talk about what is happening in my family with anybody I know because I feel so ashamed of it. And I hate myself because I got myself in this situation, I cant leave him because of the financial support( he is still managing to make some money) and I have no family or friends to help, I feel like I am in a nightmare.

I can understand what you are going through. I have been married for 17 years and the first years were good. But his drinking wasn't as bad. We have a 15 year old daughter and his drinking is having a profound effect on her as well as on me. He drinks and then lies abut it. He sneaks and hides it outside and then goes to walk the dog and comes home drunk. Our lives seem to revolve around his drunken behavior. It is not financially possible for me to leave at this point either. But don't underestimate the effect on your kids. My daughter used to say she loved her dad, even when she was mad at him for drinking. Now, she says she hates him and wants him to leave and doesn't respect him at all. It is a very painful and lonely situation. I don't understand why he would choose drinking over his family. But he does. I wish I could offer you some good advice, but I am struggling also. Other people have given me advice, but it is usually to just pick up and leave. And I am not able to do that. And this is technically my home, but he pays all the bills. I want to find a way to be able to support us without him. But so far I am stuck. I hope you get some comfort from getting your feelings out and knowing you are not alone. D

Thank you so much for writing back to me, I just needed to talk to someone in a similar situation, he is even worse this morning and to top it off his boss has been in this morning so now knows that he is drunk while working so I think it is only a matter of time before he looses his job. His family live in NZ and I plucked up the courage to send them and email last night. It was such a relieve for me to share to load with them. They have offeedr to fly him back to NZ to get into rehab but he has to want it and right now there is no talking to him. I have sorted out a bank account today and transfered my money into it. I am feeling better today because I am being proactive and doing something about it instead of just hoping he will change. I hope you can get out of your situation to. Thanks

Well, I can kind of relate, not kind of, but I can. I have a boyfriend I have been with for almost 4 years and we now have a 14 mo. old son. We are constantly bickering and fighting because he is a non-functioning alcoholic/addict. Luckily he hasn't done drugs in a while, but alcohol is just as bad. It's just another vice. <br />
I have a bit of a co-dependent personality and I enable him. I tell him I am going to leave, but he thinks that I won't. I have the desire to leave, but have to set it in motion.<br />
My mother grew up with an alcoholic and she and her siblings hated it and had a very dysfunctional family because of it. Every single one of them was either an alcoholic/drug addict at some point in their life. One is still an alcoholic.<br />
I guess my point is that I have come to grips with the fact that I cannot change my boyfriend. I can't want it for him, he has to want it himself. And I don't think he does because he cannot see that he has a problem and therefore sure can't get himself help. I have tried until I have fallen out of love with him.<br />
Sure, my boy loves him, but I love my boy enough to realize that an alcoholic family environment isn't healthy. I will allow his father to have visitation, but I must make this decision because my boy and myself deserve better.<br />
You shouldn't feel ashamed because you have loved a person and they aren't what you expected. Your husband cares more about his drinking than himself or anyone else involved in this situation. I am going to get my financial house in order and make an exit plan. Though, it will be easier for me because we are not married (thank goodness) and I am the bread winner, but you have options as well. Talk to a lawyer, get your own bank account and work on becoming strong emotionally and then just do it. Once it's done, you can only look back and forward at the same time.

Not sure if you will see this. But I am in the same boat and at a point in my life where I cant sit and wait out another 10 years. My kids are 15 months and 4 years and my son is very aware of the anomosity in our relationship & experiences the daily tensions bought on by his drinking. I have to get out now before they are damaged by this upbringing. Just getting the courage is hard. How did you get on? Did you leave and what is life like now? Is it easier or harder being a single mum?