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This Is So Hard!

I have been married for 31 years. My husband started his binge drinking in college and never grew out of it. He doesn't drink at all during the week but the weekends are usually one long drunk. He also is very combative when he has been drinking so he is miserable to be around. We have been threatening to split up for the last 4 years but he keeps pulling me back in with promises that are never kept. I am so sick of this rollercoaster. I need to get off but don't know how. He says I have no right to demand this of him and that I need to stick to my marriage vows. I have 3 grown children and 2 of them have drinking issues. I should have left him or somehow put a stop to this many years ago. I am so sick of it all. He is great at manipulating me and making me feel bad for even suggesting we split up. I really need some peace.
besailin besailin 51-55 3 Responses Mar 21, 2012

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My situation is very similar to yours. I have threatened to leave so many times it is ridiculous! My friends don't believe me anymore nor does my husband. I have been married for 23 years and the ups and downs are just wearing me out and making me feel awful and weak!

I can't agree with the previous comment. For heaven's sake this is not a recent thing - it's been 31 years. I have just come back from talking to my sister (again) who has been with her alcoholic husband for over 30 years. They have 5 children aged 13 to 26 currently all living at home. The 3 oldest girls drink and think it is normal to get drunk to have a good time, but even they are now telling their mother that he should go.<br />
He will not change. He has become a diabetic because of it. He has spent time in hospital in intensive care because of it. He can no longer hold a drivers license because he has diabetic seizures because when he drinks he does not eat or take his insulin. He does not hold a proper job any more because of it - just earns enough money doing day work which supports his habit. He does not contribute financially to the household. If being carted off to hospital in an ambulance from the pub more than once has not changed him then nothing and I repeat nothing that my sister or anyone else can do or say will. <br />
My sister knows this and has known it for years but they are still together. <br />
Supporting him and giving him that safety net of a home to come back to in the long run just gives him permission to continue with his life style. Of course he's sorry, of course he knows he is doing the wrong thing, but he also blames her. She is the one with the problem not him. She is the one who needs to seek help, not him. She is the one who needs to sort out her life, not him. <br />
There comes a time when you have said all you can say and done all you can do. When its time to say enough is enough. Regardless of the love that my sister and others say they still have for their alcoholic partners there is a time when the only thing you can do is say 'you have to leave my life'. This alone may be the only thing that will save them. However this cannot be your problem.<br />
My sister knows what it is she has to do - but she says it is hard to take that step of telling him he has to go. She still loves him but he is destroying her. She has been hospitalised herself for depression and other mental health related issues. She has talked to social workers, health professionals, her pastor, family and friends. There is nothing left that she has not tried. <br />
LEAVE NOW OR TELL HIM TO LEAVE.<br />
I'm sorry but sometimes love is not enough. The love and support just allows them to continue. Take away the safety net and save yourself. Because the only person who can save them is themselves.

I am sorry if you don't like my comment or if it is not soothing.<br />
You don't need to split but need to come near each other, i don't want to get into heavy advising but a few thing that Be Adamant to you words, Try To Create more loving atmosphere, Try to convince him that his boozing has ill effects and it is harming him. If he tries to combative just give a stern warning, as stern as a wood, your voice should be adamant and not pleading. Make him realize his mistakes and you would do great. Hope this advice don't hurt your feeling or anything just an advice..:)