My Husband Is Just A Leach And A Liar

I have been married for 25 years and have two lovely children in their teens. My husband has his own bedroom as he left mine after I called the Police when he threatened me in front of our two young children 11 years ago. He has got worse and worse with his drinking and when he comes home late I see his van outside our local pub. Sometimes I have to pick the children up and drive past his van, its only 20 yds away from our home and yet he can't come home, say hi or say he wants a pint after work. He now has bottles beside his bed of whisky and half filled glasses beside his bed. At the weekend he didn't come home on Saturday after saying he was just popping out. He turned up on Sunday evening and just started watching tv as if nothing had happened. He said he had been on a trip, just driving about 200 miles in his van and sleeping in his van overnight. I asked him why he hadn't let me know, and he said he didn't think about it. When I do cook for him in the evening he doesn't want it, and if I don't cook then he comes home asking where his dinner is. I don't involve him in anything anymore, his motto, if you don't look forward to something then you don't get let down. He hasn't taken us on holiday for years now. He works and yet I have to pay the bills and mortgage, I have had to re-mortgage to pay the mortgage and now I am maxed out on my credit cards. Its so worrying, I have just found a receipt and he paid over £300 for a DVD player for himself. He belongs to clubs and pays monthly memberships, I haven't even got the money for a haircut, food or clothing. I can't get legal aid as I pay the mortgage in my name. He won't leave, he did once and got beaten up and gave me a sob story that he would change and I believed him. I know he has a personality disorder, he lies, has no respect for me, is rude and doesn't do any jobs around the house, nothing works anymore, the telephones, the shower dribbles, the toilet takes hours to fill up so we can use it again. The front drive is full of his rubbish, I work myself to the bone trying to sort out problems and the house and paperwork. My Dad died last year so I try and help my Mum who is elderly. Its all got on top of me. I have told the doctor numerous times and all they say is that he has to ask for help not me. What on earth do I do, its been going on for years. All he does for the children is play for hours on the XBox with them or watch tv, he couldn't even say hello last night when he walked in, my son ran up to his room. Any ideas?
Dramlouie Dramlouie
51-55, F
2 Responses Jan 7, 2013

I am so sorry to hear how difficult your life it is has been for so long, but believe me I can understand exactly what you are going through. I spent months of agony over my ex partner of 20 years trying to rescue him from his drinking, his issues, his financial mess up (with my tiny part time job and he has a good job) and his infidelity. He once was a good kind partner and father and then it all went wrong as his drink progressed and lost himself. I used to rescue him, believing that I was helping him but that wasn't the case, I was enabling him not to face up to his own doing. Now that we don't live together life is financially hard but my household is very calm, I still miss him but I don't miss the madness. I am afraid your husband is the only one who can make the decision to stop drinking and then face up to his own issues. The best thing you can do for yourself is to try to care and be kind to yourself. There are many Al-anon group around the country you might be able to attend, if you wish so, where there are many people like yourself and I who goes through the difficulties of living or have lived with an alcoholic. You will get support and the strength to make the right decision for yourself and for your children. Believe me I am also still going through difficult days but life is getting a little bit easier thanks to all my good friends, support groups and therapy and one day at the time I will get there. I wish you all the best for whatever path you might take in your life :)

I am free at last, he didn't come home one evening at Christmas and said he had just gone for a drive and arrived the next evening as though nothing had happened. He then didn't come home for another night and said he was watching football. I said we had to talk and he just sat down and said that he was leaving. I held his hand and said I would always love him and felt a huge sigh of relief. He left the next day. He now lives 6 miles away and he won't tell me where he is living but my friends saw his van and I know but I won't let on. We are so happy now, no dreading him coming home, the smelly socks, the smelly feet. The house stays clean and tidy, I am enjoying cooking again. I have seen so many friends they are queueing up, its so great. The only thing is that I am in a financial mess and so worried about it. He left me without any money but at least the house is in my name although with a huge mortgage which is more than the house is worth. My children are helping me around the house, I went out to see my friends and came home to find my daughter had cleaned and tidied the house. My son puts the rubbish out for me. The car is clean and tidy, its most amazing. No screaming anymore from the children, no arguing. I am looking forward to my freedom now, I am just trying to find something that will bring some money in quickly. I don't miss the madness either but I keep in my mind the upset and crazy things into the household. He was always doing things that caused problems, no more. If it is right to leave then leaving or parting is okay. I was a bit sad for a few days as were the children but we did things, went out, didn't dwell on it and they are so happy now. I am looking forward to meeting some male friends and keeping them as friends, on my terms. Good luck to everyone in my position. Just keep on and on at them, I didn't do his washing, or clean his bedroom, nothing, it works in the end although it took me years. So from a calm and peaceful household, go for it, we are still friends and I have to hold my tongue when he does come back for a visit but I know that it won't be for long and he will be out, I am strong now and it just reinforces how happy I am now. I think I will treat myself to a small glass of wine, I have deserved it.

Your words are good and well done for being strong. I have asked my husband to leave and he says he will but watch this space. I can't carry on with this living hell. We have been married 25 years and he has always drank but for past 4 years he's been drinking secret vodka and is non functioning most days.

So sorry about the finances, try and get some child support, have a tag (yard sale) - but I can just read the freedom and peace in your post! I just found out yesteday that my alcoholic husband will finally be moving out at the end of the month. I look forward to the peace I witness when my husband travels. My three boys deserve it! I will watch for 'powermj' to move on too! I have prayers and good thoughts going your way. I am afraid financially too because I don't make so much at my job - but I want the life dramlouie seems to have now. Good going!

I don't have any ideas, but I can tell you that while friends and strangers tell you to get on with your life it is simpler said than done. All my sympathies for your difficult situation.