I Hate My Drunk Husband

I am so sick of this crazy ride!!  I've been married for 20 years and my husband has been drunk for 15 of them.  It's only been recently that I've accepted it's not my fault and I can't fix it.  I'm taking steps to become financially independent, but I'm not there yet.  I hope I have the strength to divorce him when I do have the money.  It's going to devastate my kids, particularly my daughter.  I'm trying to stay til she's out of school, but I don't know if I can.  He's not abusive or anything, he's just totally emotionally absent.  I always have to be the responsible one, cause after 5PM he's drinking and of no use to me or anyone else.  I just hate living ehre with him, and I want my life to be different.  But I also love my children more than anything and I don't want to hurt them.  So I'm still here....wishing every night that he would just die in his sleep.

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137 Responses Dec 28, 2008

I too feel where you are coming from my husband is too a alcoholic but he doesn't think so my life before him was so happy no drama and I was always bright in the face now I'm drowning with him. I try to talk with him he goes on and on about stuff noe even relevant.to our situation. We are not intamite with each other anymore. I feel like I'm constantly catering to him iv lost custody of my son because of his drinking and his mother. I myself have no addictions I'm not saying I'm perfect not at all I love my husband very much but I feel like I'm suffocating with him. Iv recently discovered he's into shemales but apparently "only when he's drunk" yeah right I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to hate him and hate being around him he spends close to 200 a week on booze but yet can't see he has a problem. Iv left him to look after our older boy because iv had.to go to work and when I get home he's drunk and my boys not even there hasn't had t makes me wild and a.new thing is spending our grocery money on he's booze and leaving us with nothing. Why please tell me why he's like this ? And why does he treat me so bad

Hello everyone.

I came across this page this morning and I've been reading all morning.

It's been a weird morning reading about half the posts. I am deeply ashamed to say I am the man you are all talking about.

I am that man, partly. I love my wife and 5 year old son. I take good care of my son. I have a good job and am keeping my boss happy. I am continuously studying new developments in my line of work, both at work and in my free time. I make good money, pay the bills on time. I don't hit my wife (heaven forbid), I don't cheat, wouldn't ever think of it. I play loads with my son, I read bedtime stories, I organise whatever sports or activity he wants to participate in,...

But when everyone's asleep, I watch tv and I drink two bottles of white wine till 1 am. Every night. It's a habit. Initially, ten years ago, it relaxed me. I have a very stressing job and that was a way of letting off steam. Now it's just part of the evening as much as breathing is. I don't even get really relaxed or drunk. Over the years the effect has diminished. It is just plain stupid, no excuses.

My wife knows, obviously, but she ignores it as long as work & family are functioning, which they are. Most of the time.

After reading all of your stories, I am sitting here at my desk at work and I am thinking: "WHAT have I been doing all these years. Why?". I usually manage to separate my filthy habit from my family life as it happens when everyone else is sleeping and in the morning I'm off to work and sober by the time I get home. But still, there of course have been incidents over the years. Too many and I'm ashamed of all of them and have no excuse whatsoever.

Reading your stories has been an eye opener. My usual two bottles of wine are in the trunk of my car, ready for consumption tonight after wife & kid are sleeping. ENOUGH. Driving home, I will stop along the way somewhere along the fields and pour the poison on the road.

I have stopped a couple of times before, without too much problems, every time 4 months (and life was SO MUCH better during that time, dunno why I felt it necessary to slowly start again), so I don't expect medical complications there.

Enough. This stupid adventure ends here and now.


I'm the same way!! I love him and I hate him!!! I always thought it was my fault he was drinking, but now I know it's just him not caring about anyone but himself..

Why oh why are drunks so mean? Drinking is supposed to be an occasional fun thing to do....I met him at 17... He was 19.... Hanging around a beach bonfire with high school teenage friends... Listening to our favorite "cassettes" while sitting on top our cars, drinking beer someone barely old enough managed to score. Yes, it was fun...for, like, a minute! It certainly wasn't any type of "long term plan" be hat I've learned Alcoholics are the least fun people I've ever known... And thru him, I've known many. (His family) and the older you guest the uglier and disgusting it becomes.

I just had my 25th anniversary with my husband. We've struggled every single year of our marriage with his alcoholic tendencies. Even our wedding nights... Friends kept bringing him drinks until my wedding night was ruined. A long story...big red flag flag to my oblivious "too late now" 20 year old hopeful heart. We never had kids and only recently am I beginning to realize that was probably subconsciously deliberate on my account because of fears of having children with him. By the time we really started trying for kids, I was nearly 30 and we were unable to conceive. Perhaps a blessing in disguise.

For 25 years he's had me ready to walk time and again, but then straightens up just enough to get me to stay for the next round. Then he builds my hope again until another "nightmare" binge for a time till I'm ready to pack it in....and the cycle continues. I've dedicated my life to this man, but this cycle sickens me especially as I realize he is doing exactly what a physical abuser does! Verbally batters me until I'm are almost out the door then straightens back up long enough to suck me back in! The next thing you know 25 years have long passed.

We had some pretty nice years for periods of time when he, for whatever reason would be drinking less at times... Good, happy stretches with some bearable fairly manageable binges in between. However, without fail, the alcohol (and eventually even drugs after failed back surgeries) would rumble thru. Then we'd circle the drain again.... Just hanging by a thread... Always him not seeming to care and me for days with knots in my gut almost making it impossible to even swallow. Then he would h
Show some of old self and I would soften.... And honestly be to weary and lazy to make a real change.

The worst episode came in our early forties... I was 37 and he was 40... Perfect time for me to get serious breast cancer around the same time he started a lengthy midlife crisis. (Fortunately I ended up stage 1 but it was so very aggressive and I was relatively young, so Drs recommended we do EVERY possible horrible and agonizing treatment) he couldn't believe after years of telling me I was a hypochondriac.... This was real and there was a lot of talk of maybe not making it thru it.

He retreated to the garage everyday after work to smoke cigs, drink, still take random pills and escape into obsessive flight simulator video games with a hundred online pals. I'd walk out to check on him passed out with his head on the desk. Check to see he was breathing and then go back to care for myself as best I could. He did this until I was "done with the cancer" that he wanted no part of.... And honestly I preferred him to just let me get my emotional and spiritual support elsewhere while he at least made enough money for bills and insurance. We were fairly comfortable financially and for the most part he was very functional at work.
And I blessed not to have to work at this time. He was confronted by his work about his growing testy and short attitude tho at least once, but they took mercy on us, knowing what turmoil we were suffering.

He had just one twinge of guilt once for not going with me to a long chemo treatment. I honestly, sweetly told him that's what I had my mom and family for and I did not want to put him thru that. I tried so carefully to remove any guilt on him because I knew that would follow me the rest of my life with him....(Plus the idea of him miserably and manically pacing around asking "are you done yet... How long does this thing take.?" Etc would have made me crazy. I know his limits!) Caregiving... NO WAY. Comforting? I don't believe he's capable because it always comes back around to HIS suffering!

He had his first back surgery because he had been on pain meds way too long and it was affecting his already negative attitude even more (and drinking with the meds as well...terribly frightening!) So he goes in the same hospital for a laminectomy on his back (2 in incision) I had just checked out of after my breast surgery days earlier. We didn't even have my pathology report back so we really didn't know how bad the cancer was... I could not believe our sudden misfortune and cried for about three whole days...once notably and embarrassingly sobbing in the waiting room waiting for his surgery to be successfully complete. Incredibly, later during a heart to heart, he admitted that he had been very angry and hurt because while I was going thru CANCER, everyone was concerned about me and no one seemed to care about his stupid two inch back surgery. Apparently according to him, we ALL (including his OWN mother who flew in from out of town to be with us, mainly because she was terrified for me) just allowed him to wallow in agony while everyone else attended to MY every need. Hard to believe those words could have actually come out of his mouth... Even all these years later, HE still feels slighted.

So then a long agonizing struggle and a sudden personality change in him that never really reversed. Some days were better than others... what ****** me off is I never know WHAT I'm gonna get...either a somewhat engaging enjoyable person, or an angry derelict that just wants to fight and hurt me emotional as much as possible. That HE has that power is something I've taken away from him now. If he's horrible now, I leave. He couldn't care less where I go or what I do at those times.

But I know I've changed too... How could I not? I realized the depth of this marriage had been all in my imagination for the most part. Major depression, midlife, booze, drugs, health problems and back surgeries culminating in the worst times of our lives. Seemed like more and more problems kept coming... Little things like getting the a/c fixed for hundreds dollars at a time ... I'll afforded from medical payments.... to having loved ones dying (his brother died in a car accident, and a string of other deaths and illnesses, stepfather, my dear aunt, his real father, etc, most which cost us more money.) He was so weakened and beat. Paranoia was setting in.... Everyone was against him. He was useless and no good. He could sense the disappointment from all the people that had loved and admired him before. He had no strength or motivation left.... One of the things I always loved and respected about him.

He quickly became an angry, resentful stranger who seemed to really dislike me most of the time, because now most of the time he was drunk. I was all alone alone with him laying right next to me.... If he made it to bed he would snore so loud and hard it shook the walls from way too much of whatever finally he passed out on. You guys know that terrible "passed out snore" when they even sound like they are occasionally choking too..... Then pure silence! I'd shake him to make sure he moved. I began to appreciate the snoring because then at least I knew he wasn't lying there dead next to me. (The way his 60 yo alcoholic father died next to his step mother:(

I scrambled trying to find what could make him happy. All our friends and family noticed the negative changes in him and went from being the most fun guy at the party, to the guy everyone tried to avoid as much as possible. At his worst he was the most negative, nasty, judgmental and unpleasant person in my life. I finally threw up my hands to everyone that cared about us and who would question what was happening in our lives. "Yeah I know he passed out at the dinner table, I don't know. What can I do about it. I'm sorry..... Or Don't ask me, I guess he's drunk again." Or "I'm sorry he used that language around you, Mom and the kids... I guess he's just drunk and doesn't care." "I guess he doesn't do anything around the house anymore because he doesn't care and would rather just drink." I began to refuse to make excuses or cover for him. Everyone really knows the truth anyway, right? I finally accepted that I have to look my loved ones in the eye and explain I won't be responsible for him anymore.

Soon, I noticed invitations came less and less and I was building up a social life of my own without him. Maybe others were relieved when he didn't show up too... They graciously never actually told me that though.... Realizing it was stuck between a rock and a hard place. I'd still ask him if he wanted to join me for events and was quietly relived and pleased when he would say no, which was often. That meant I could just enjoy myself instead of worrying about him making an *** out himself... The same man who was always the life of the party was now the most miserable face in the room wherever he went.

Finally on the worst occasions my stock answer became " what can I do about it? Really? Other than just leave him, I have no option but to just worry about myself". I became so tired of of going stag too that I became a recluse myself and missed wonderful opportunities for the dreaded question, "Aw, where is your husband? I thought for sure he'd be here! For those that didn't know better it was, "call him and tell him to come on over! I stocked the bar with his favorites," all very well meaning and polite, but clueless about the depths of this problem.

I love those people who have no clue what it's like being married forever to an alcoholic always tell you about how bad his drinking seems to have become, how he's a different person, he's no fun anymore and then look at YOU like you can somehow fix it!!! If I could fix it, I would fix it! There will be small judgments like "I would never put up with that!" Guess what, you have no idea what you may or not put up with I any given situation. So I come out with, "He's just a drunk. What can I do about it?" Eventually you just try to minimize the damage he causes the best you can by trying in some way to save the finances, the family, the friendships, trying to prevent illness, accidents, lawsuits, jail, catastrophe which they can come at any random moment with no warning... Until you realize you WILL fail because they are doing everything in their power to fail themselves! And when they blow it and you share everything in life with you, they will BLOw it for you too! Then you're a 45 year old woman looking at bankruptcy and possible divorce from an angry addict.... Something you NEVER saw for yourself, or even him, these were supposed to be last fruitful years before the last blissful money making American dream years before a carefree retirement! GONE. Now You'll be 70 years old working at Home Depot...if you make it that long and the booze doesn't kill him ( really hard to get life ins by the way) and the stress doesn't drop you before 55.

You get hardened and do the best you can to look out for yourselves. You're attached but living separate lives with different interests (if I :
DO go with you to that dumb thing, will I be able to get drinks there?), desires (who needs sex anyway?) friends (he prefers the company of the "fine folks" at the bar down the street in the same situation as him) His goals are gone. ("you're always pushing for more when it's all I can do to do the bare minimum... At least I have my nowhere job now that I hate!") He just wants to drink and doesn't care about the future or even if you stick around or not. You're welcome to stay and shut up and deal, or hit the road and life will actually be a lot easier for him to feed his illness.

You've learned this person, the one person who should be there for you no matter what, really isn't there, really doesn't care and will continue to let you down, maybe was actually never really there after all. Ruining your wedding, birthday or Christmas by being a drunken, obnoxious foul-mouthed jerk is minimal compared to the humongous debts, job losses, ruined relationships, illnesses, accidents etc!

So, par for the course he got the DUI in 2000. I was so glad. He was ashamed and I just knew this was bottom for him. He was pretty ashamed for about six months ... Me having to drive him everywhere... All the money and embarrassment...mandatory "treatment" etc. but this was not even close to bottom. It came back with a vengeance.

But I then thought him getting fired in 2010 for going to work after drinking would be the real bottom. Again, not even close. He sat on couch and drank for eight months... Drained our savings and 401k. Did mot earn a cent. Each day was more pathetic the the one before. The day he was fired, he came home at the usual time completely blotto and furious. I thought he had been at work at all day but turns out he was "escorted" out at noon and went to his dad's house and drank for the rest of the day. He came home spoiling for a fight with me like, "I got fired. They said I was drinking. Failed the breath test. So what? Go ahead... Come at me, *****. I don't care. I'm tired and I'm done working for a while. Don't bother me." This is the same man who ten years earlier cried and sobbed when I picked him up from his DUI night in jail, proclaiming, "I'm terrible! I'm officially a loser! I'm a bad man! I can't believe this! I hate myself!"

This was NOT the hard working, proud, loving, adoring, fun loving, motivated (I want so much better! He used to say) man I married. Now he was Someone I wouldn't have even been friends with at this point. This is NOT how I wanted my life to be! This not what he promised me over and over and over again when I've reached my limit!

All too familiar..... Last night when I started this missive, here I was alone again while he was passed out after a rough night of horrible, angry, hateful language. A man who's formerly beautiful shiny blue/green eyes are now completely dead.... Constantly yellowed, watery, eternally tinged red with big swollen blood vessels from decades of poison circulating in his blood. Is this supposed to be my life? I almost miss the "I'm gonna cut back" promises the day after because he doesn't even bother to make promises anymore. We walk around ignoring each other. He seems angry with ME. I guess he's still stewing over what a "horrible wife" I am and how I drive him to drink. It IS the only way he can deal with his miserable life.

Oddly, we were happy a week ago....a quick trip to NYC for our 25th anniversary ... Until we drove out to spend a few days with his mom in pittsburgh who happily stocked the liquor cabinet before we showed up. Now I am told I RUINED his vacation and was pretty much a ***** the whole time. Ironic as how I thought the trip went very well, particularly the NY part when it was just the two us. I had actually began to have a glimmer of hope again! Dashed. No hope again. None. If what he says about me is true is in HIS booze soaked mind, I will make myself scarce because the woman he describes is barely worth taking up air on this earth.

He's hit the bar every night since we got home and then washes whatever had there down with a whole bottle of red wine at home.... Passing out in from of some Bruce Willis movie he's watched 100 times. If I tread anywhere near a discussion on his state of mind OR the state of our marriage, I get the same ugly song on repeat... all HIS stress is all my fault. I don't do enough to please him. I am falling short of my responsibilities. I speak nasty and negatively to HIM. It goes on and on about my terrible character. He just falls short of telling me he hates me.

There is really only ONE thing on this big blue earth he needs to know....
HE IS MISERABLE BECAUSE HE IS AN ALCOHOLIC. Plain and simple. He would be just as miserable with anyone else...maybe even more! And he most certainly would be worse alone. I will never believe that has a thing to do with me. In fact, I KNOW if I hadn't been around all these years to encourage him to at least take breaks and slow down once in a while...he would be DEAD by now! So, dear sir, you're VERY welcome! Tell me more about how horrible I am because you will NEVER get me to believe I have been anything but YOUR saving grace! I have come to accept I will never hear a sincere apology or a genuine thank you because in his booze soaked mind, I don't deserve it.

I've also begun to realize the things he says to me isn't just stuff he says to hurt me for no reason....I'm thinking now he is really starting to believe it. He does think I'm awful. He does blame me. True or not, the hateful things that spew from his drunken lips are really the truth in his mind now.
I've lost my husband to poison and his brain has finally been washed thru with alcohol and they've decided they don't need me and there is no limit to what they will say to hurt me or drive me away. I've lost the battle for the man I once respected nearly as much as my own beloved father.

There was a time when my drunk husband and my sober husband were two completely different entities... But recently they've started to become one and the same. He was sober for the most part today but was miserable and not speaking to me... Because remember, I am a jerk, of course. I am the one that makes him like this! (Although there is
NO WAY will he convince me or anyone else of that .... Except another loser at bar .... But he will never stop trying.... The truth of his own miserable failure is too much to take)

I invited him to a couple things today and I was flat rejected. My mom came by for dinner and he left to go to the bar. He returned when I told him my mom felt he left because she was coming (which was probably true) but he barely managed to speak at all while she was here.... Yet again she looks at me curiously and I just shrug my shoulders. "I don't know...I just don't. Just please don't ask.... And no Mom. He does NOT hit me")

Here is the absolute truth of the state of marriage right now... He honestly does not care what I do. I'm welcome to stay and endure it, maybe catch him sober and in a good mood occasionally.... Or I am welcome to leave. I can just take what I want and go. It really doesn't matter to him anymore. There isn't much left anymore. I don't provide too much because it's not really wanted. He does not want really my affection (no sex in years) or my conversation or my company. He does likes dinner. He likes clean clothes. He likes a clean house. He likes the creative ways I find to "occasionally" pay some bills. But I'm part of the furniture. The people he likes are at the bar down the street. They spend more time with and know more about him than I do anymore. It seems easier to stay, grin and bear it...but after the last week! I wonder, IS IT REALLY?

He travels for work. Honestly the no sex thing would have most people question if he or I cheat. I sincerely say no. I promise. NOT an issue... Seems like him cheating would even make a decision easier. But He won't hit and he won't cheat and he believes he deserves a medal for that too. Neither of us are interested in sex too much these days. Between our medications, his alcoholism (induced impotence) and my worsening depression, and still hormonal cancer treatment who cares about sex.

He also says he doesn't drink when he's out town. Interestingly, he saves that for when he is home to "entertain me" I guess... or perhaps he can only deal with a shrew like my while blasted (wink wink). But he's out of town this week. I never so gleefully packed his bag! Maybe he will come home liking me better than when he left. That happens occasionally. For now, I will wait and see. No rush.

I never missed a mortgage payment, received a collect notice, or even bounced a check my whole life until two years ago. I always found a way. I'm at a loss now. Last thing left is enough equity in our home to repay terrible debt we've racked. We are Debating a plan to recover financial disaster. He wants to refi our home (with impossibly bad credit) to pay off the ridiculous debt we've accumulated. I'm of the mind to sell it and all his hoarding stuff he has and take all the proceeds to pay off enormous debt.... I'm alone all the time anyway... Whether he is or here not.

Not ready to divorce, but get a small apt where we have the freedom to come and go when the dislike for each other is too much.... Besides, helping me take care of a 1900 sq ft home with a yard and a pool. My former Mr Fix it won't even take the trash out! How many more mistakes can I allow myself to make? How bad will this get? Would actually really leaving do anything to help. Or will he just really go off the deep end and get in car wreck or something with a lawsuit that ruins my life too? How Do I protect myself? My credit an reputation is already trashed being married to him for 25 years. Debt collectors hold us both responsible. Sadly... In the financial world.... His losses are my failures too. And we had worked SO very hard for So Long to lose everything overnight. NOW wHAT. What will he destroy next... My heart is already on the chopping block and he's sharpening the ax.

I realized how long this is and I'm so sorry. It's the entire 25 year marriage history from high school sweethearts. My experience is unique because it's the only marriage for both of us with NO kids so I thought that was a unusual perspective. My heart breaks for those of you had to live thru this with kids the most. God bless you and your kids!

Wow. I can relate to everything you say here. I can't count how many time I have threatened to leave. It's gotten to the point where i have given up after 21 years of marriage and 17 with an alcoholic. I know this can't end well we have had to move several times because she now drinks at work and losses her job. We have a financial roller coaster, one bankruptcy, two dui's and she was arrested for hitting me She has become such an ugly bitter person I hate myself when I am around her. I become bitter myself and feel like there is no hope. Thank you for sharing it helps a great deal.

I understand how you feel my boyfriend is a drunk every week he drinks and spend all the money breaks everything in the house i want him to leave me alone:(

You just wrote my story. We have no kids either but in my case it's the wife with the issue.

I read every word of your post and I can relate on so many levels! How are things going for you now?

Wow, this is so similar to my situation that it's unbelievable. So sorry for what you're going through. Stay strong.

My life, EXACTLY... Everything to a T

4 More Responses

Is your husband still alive and drinking??? Couse I live the same thing alcoholic husband

I'm in a tough situation. Living with my fiancé who can't control his drinking once he starts. He does this a few times a week, at least. I could leave and go to my parent's house. I'm in my 40's but I don't care, I would do it. The issue is he has a daughter who is elementary age and I am a mother to her. Her own mother is a drunk, does hard drugs and never sees her, Thank God! She is a truly awful, obnoxious, nasty, low class person. I feel sick at the thought of this precious, smart, very beautiful, sweet child being around her. Her mother has four kids by different dads and never raised any of those children. So I'm doing everything for her and for him. Taking care of everyone. He is rude to me, gets nasty, says horrible things, has fallen while drunk, urinated in bed, beside the bed, in the tub, is either overly, annoyingly affectionate or belittles and gets nasty. He wakes me up three or four times when he's drunk. Has no respect for the fact that u need rest. Wakes me o send me to the store for more alcohol and if I say no, he belittle me, gets so nasty with me, I end up going to avoid the verbal abuse. Even when not drunk he's moody, crabby, yells, drives like a maniac even though it's so stressful to me, he screamed at me on our five year anniversary then expected me to sit in a restaurant and pretend to be fine. Of course, he got drunk. He now gets drunk at my parents house and I'm so embarrassed. My parents are very worried. Last week, while driving home after he got drunk, (I always drive, he won't drive drunk ever) he was pulling my hair and he choked me twice. He just laughed. His daughter was in the backseat, we both cried. His daughter even asks me when she's away if her daddy is behaving. She means, is he drinking. She's only 10 years old. How sad is that? If I leave him, she's left with him. She cannot go to her mother. That cannot happen. If my fiance's mother knew what was going on, she would be furious and I believe she would do something but if I tell her, I just can't imagine what he will do. I don't know what to do. My kids are adults. I don't have to be there. I do love him, of course. And yes, he always tells me how he pays the bills. I never get to spend money on myself, though. It's all about him. I would be gone but I'm so so so worried about his daughter who loves me as a mother, loves my family, calls my parents grandma and grandpa, calls me her mom, my kids are her sister and brother. We are very close. I've known this man since school and we've been together for five years. I do everything school wise for her. She needs me. Honestly, if she was my child I would have custody of her and leave to protect both of us from his verbal abuse and nastiness. Can he be loving and wonderful? Yes, he can but he's unpredictable. It's not that I don't love this man. I adore him but I don't know how much more I can take. It's wrong how he treats us and his drinking is awful and so embarrassing when others see it, I want to die from embarrassment that I'm with someone who gets drunk like that. It's so much worse than can be expressed in words. What the hell do I do? I want him to hit bottom and losing the people he loves is a key to that but I can't take his child. She isn't mine and how do I leave her behind when her own mother has abandoned her for alcohol, drugs and a white trash lifestyle?

I've been with my husband for 17 years now and we have 3 children and expecting one on the way. My husband is so good when he's sober but once he's under the influence of alcohol he's a totally different person a selfish man who thinks of himself!! I'm sick and tired of dealing with his behavior when he's drunk let alone having my kids see their father drunk! He's always in denial when he's drunk saying he's not when he's already slurring every word that comes out of his mouth! I Love this man but not when he's drunk!! I pray for him daily and hope the best. I feel lost and helpless but I know I need to be strong for my young children. We've talked so many times about his behavior when he's drunk and yet he doesn't seem to want to change for the better nor for his kids. I don't know what to do anymore I'm always wasting my breath trying to talk to him about it over and over again. I feel like giving up on our marriage. I'm so tired of this BS!! I'm glad to know that I'm not alone. Thank you for this forum! Lost in emotions right now. :'(

Me too. Lost in emotions. And thankful for this forum

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I am going thru the same thing, only I have already started taking steps like separating our car ins. and changing the benificary to my daughter instead of him. I have been disabled since 1995 have had 2 strokes and made it thru stage 4 lung cancer all without his help. So I am so ready to fly the coop. Our lease is up in Nov. and that's when I am leaving if not before.

22 years and in the same boat except we have a ton of debt and all of my family has passed. No help financially or otherwise. Very interested in how to get financial help if there is any to get.

Pray for him. I've been in a bad, situation for 19 years of my, life. It's not your, fault, Drunks,blame you for everything.Prayers are best.

I am new here but my husband is a drunk. The only thing he does is go to work. His drinking

My boyfriend drinks everyday i try to help him but nothing helps he always drink and lie to me i feel alone sad i don't have family to talk to i need help!

I want to talk to someone who understand how i feel. I have a babe with him i love my son but he takes al my happiness away from me every day. I feel depressed please i want someone to talk to me.........

All of you with children must NOT wait until they are 18 to leave. First of all the alcoholic had passed on his genes. Their chances of becoming an alcohol are more than great. Each day you stay, YOU put them at higher risk. You and the children need to go to Alanon meetings. Alanon is for spouses and families of alcoholics. If you choose therapy instead of Alanon for yourself and children, then choose a therapist who has recovered from alcoholism or is a recovered Alanon. The alcoholic is no longer the only sick person in your home. Every person in the home has changed and is sick in their own way. The program of Alanon teaches you how to live normal again. You may not believe that you have anything wrong with you, but families of alcoholics become different due to the dynamics of the home. You will be happy again. You will not choose another alcoholic spouse if you truly, honestly work hard in the 12 steps of alanon. Save your kids. Save yourself. Your spouse will never get better either, until you let hi or her go. They must lose stuff in order to even bother to try. You must leave them.

I'm almost married 25 years and my husband was a recovered alcoholic for 22 of those years. I describe what has happened as his inability to cope with life period. He has a daughter who is almost 30 that is just out there...bi polar untreated and into drugs. He thinks throwing money at her will help but...and then there is his physical problems with his back etc. Its life so instead of really doing his PT and trying to talk to someone about his daughter he's regressed to drinking until he can't stand up when he gets home. Hids brandy and beer all over and he even left for work after having a beer tonight! He gets obnoxious and I ignore him but he yells at the TV and lord....! I'm trying to get help from family to maybe intervene otherwise I'm on the verge of lawyering up and cutting my losses!

I hate my husband. I hate him to the point that I want to kill him. I told my doctor how much I hate him and all he asked me was if I had any guns in the house. My husband is a functioning alcoholic who everyone in my community is friends with. They don't see what I have to deal with at home. He gets so drunk that he falls down. He breaks my things and literally craps his pants. He came home at 7pm on New years eve so drunk that he grabbed onto my refrigerator and knocked it over. I was babysitting all my great nieces and nephews so their parents could go out. He didn't care. I got out the video camera and posted a video of him being belligerent and stupid on facebook. I just wanted my family and everyone to know what a belligerent fool he was. I received phone calls from many people telling me that I was a loser for posting that video. That if my husband got fired from his job because of it that it would be all my fault. His brother called me and told me I was a hoarder and that is why he drinks. His mother recently died but she would tell me I am a horrible wife and that is why he drinks. Whether I am a hoarder (which I am not) or not does not give him an excuse to drink. He will come home and do our barn chores and then when I ask him to please not drink he will come home fall down drunk and tell me 'well I did your chores didn't I?'. I tell him that has no relevance to his drinking or not but it does no good. I have called the cops on him for drinking and driving just hoping that he would get arrested. Oh no they don't arrest him. They call me to come and get him. He fixes their cars. I went to an attorney to talk about getting a divorce but I don't own anything and have no money to pay for it. I tried to sell some items that I thought were mine only to find out that EVERYTHING is in his name. I am now to the point that I just pray that he dies. I have no emotions for him and have envisioned myself bashing him over the head with a frying pan. Since I don't want to go to jail I can't do it. I was a paramedic for 15 years before I became ill. I wonder what I would do if I went into his bedroom (we have separate rooms) and found him choking or not breathing. Would I help him or would I walk away and come back a few hours later to call 911. My life is a living hell because of him. My father is his boss and wont get involved. His family hates me and makes that very clear. It is amazing the stories I read because for once I realize that I am not the only one that feels this way. The amount of women who have thought about bashing their husbands head in with a frying pan has given me solace. I truly hate my husband and I pray every day for him to just go away. Tonight he through rabbit poop at me and I just walked away. There is no point in fighting with him because he just says hateful things to me. Luckily we have no children but I wont just leave my dog and cat behind. I will not let him have the only children I have but I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this. One should not have to pray to God to remove their husband from this Earth. Till death do us part can be a REALLY long time.

My husband is a mouthy mean drunk..I will pray for you as I have alot of people praying for me. Thank God we can vent.

Yes thank you I will pray for you. I have given my husband to God. It is very difficult for me to find peace but I do pray a lot. After he told me last night that I am a worthless loser and that it is people like me that are what is wrong with this world, I left. I went and slept on my parents couch. It is embarrassing staying with your parents when you are 42 years old. I am 100% disabled with a very debilitating illness. My husband can't see my pain so he says that I am just lazy. I worked hard for 15 years and had to quit because the pain was horrible. The government labeled me disabled and if they can understand it I don't know why he can't. Last night was the last straw for me. He told me that this is his house because he pays all the bills. This morning I came home and gave him the checkbook. I said you figure it out. I will keep my disability check and I will buy the animal feed and pay my internet and phone bill. I normally pay the $800 mortgage with my check leaving me only a couple hundred dollars to pay for my animals and a few things for me. He spends all his money on his racecar and is gone all the time. Well that is enough it is now his turn to figure out how to pay the bills. He has already been giving me excuses as to why he can't do it but I don't care. I am going to show him just how worthless I really am. My father supported me last night for the first time and it gave me the strength to realize that it may be time to move on. If we lose our home oh well. My dad owns a lot of property and he has a little shack that people rent for vacation during the warm months. He told me that I can stay there but he is to old to take care of my cows and horses. I can let them go as long as I can keep my cat and dog. My brother in law came down again this morning and called me a hoarder again. I do extreme couponing and I have 2 shelves filled with food. If that makes me a hoarder so be it. My husband is about to realize how broke he really is when he has to pay full price for food because of my hoarding. I raise cows for meat and I buy food that is pretty much free with my coupons. I have never spent more than $20 at the grocery store. We have enough food that we could survive 2 years if he lost his job. Since he drinks and drives all the time I figured it would be smart to keep food around just in case. His brother was actually in the car with him when he got his last DWI. His brother doesn't drink so why he didn't drive I don't know. He says he wasn't that drunk. Well clearly he was and he got a felony DWI because his brother's 13 year old son was in the car also. My husband fixes the judges car so they reduced the charges. Now he thinks he can get away with it. When he kills someone then maybe he will realize but I hope it doesn't come to that. Well anyway thank you for letting me vent. It helps so much to know there are other people out there with the same problems. I know that God loves me. I know that he won't let me suffer more than I can handle. I know that these things are not coming from God. He does not make us suffer. I just have a hard time remembering that sometimes.

Omg, I think our husbands are twins. My husband is functional alcoholic. He never misses a day from work, but as soon as he gets home, I hear the beer bottles opening and his liquor pouring. I hate him so much because he used to be very abusive, I mean slapping, pushing, yelling, one day he grabbed the steering wheel while I was driving on I-95, I put the car in park, walked around the drivers side, pulled his drunk *** out and left. I left him drunk in NY, Clubs, family outings, and other places because of his embarrassing behavior. He gets so drunk, one day we were in Jamaica at a bar, a couple walked over to us and asked him is he was ok, I asked them why would they ask him that? They said that he was so drunk last night he was staggering towards the OCEAN!! If they had not seen him he would have been dead today. This stupid *** man had chest pains three years ago and his doctor told him it was indigestion, I told him to get a second opinion, when he did he ended up getting emergency open heart surgery, triple by-pass on the spot. The doctors told me if he would have waited another day he would not have made it. This drunk still do not appreciate me today for saving his life. At home, he still argues and try to fight me and whenever I try get away, he would kick the door down. He literally continues to terrorize me. I was NEVER a violent person, until I met him. I used to dump boyfriends just for yelling at me. This drunk brought out the worst in me. I decided to buy a gun off of the internet to scare him. At first it did not work because he was too drunk to realize it was a gun and he still kicked my bedroom door in and tried to fight me. That day, I said enough is enough, I beat his drunk *** and did not care if he had open heart surgery or not. I felt if he did not care about his health, why should I. This time he called the police and all of a sudden he acts sober. I don't get that?? He wrecked my car, his car, been put in the overnight drunk tank at the police stations and sent home. My family can't stand him. I cant stand him or his family because they act like he is my problem and theirs and when I try to reach out to them for support, I get smugged or a nasty comment get thrown my way, oh, and the biggest one is "but we love him". I am like yea you do because he do not live with you!! I hate his folks! The latest incident was when we were out 4th of July, I did not know how drunk he was until he was behind the wheel and his drunken hatred, putrid behavior started to show so he decided not to let this lady get by which she had the right of way so he decided to side swipe her car, and he did it in front of the park police sitting on their motorcycles right in front of him. He is was so disrespectful. The park police gave him a Breathalyzer test and it was .24, the drinking limit is .04. They told me if he would have had another drink they would have taken him the emergency room for alcohol poisoning instead of the drunk tank. I did not have a clue because I do not drink alcohol like that. I am a wine cooler person. They hauled him off to jail and had to impound the car for evidence and I was stuck at the park with not transportation. I called his sorry *** mother, she told me she was in the bed so I called his daughter she told me she was at a friends house. I cried because I had my dogs with me. I called a very good neighbor of mine so she and her husband came and got me. Just yesterday this drunken bastered almost burned my house down. He came home drunk, put hotdogs on the stove and went to sleep. 2:00 am in the morning I smell smoke, wake up the whole house if thick with smoke. I am so tired of this alcoholic, I am trying to wait around until he croaks because he is on heart medication and still behave like he is a healthy 20-year old. His doctor told him he will give him 5-years if he do not stop his behavior. I am so ready to leave but knowing this man has a mental and physical illness, can't leave him by himself. No telling what he would do. Dumb ***!!

Divorce, him,you, have,no children,stand up,for,your,self,like,That,movie,Fried Green Tomatoes. With Katherine Bates.

I feel the same way. Last night he was out driving (yes drunk) until he stopped, called me, and told me to "Google him" so that I could pick him up. I called him back after he had hung up on me multiple times to see if he could remember where he was at. One time when I called I heard him vomiting, was hoping he would choke on it, but because I called, he "woke up". Dammit!!

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The post and the replies have opened my eyes.I was a drunk husband now sober for 2 days.I was thinking of drinking today again but the responses and sheer hate make me realize that what happens to the spouse.May god give help to me and you to cope up with this time.Your response have changed my view to drinking.

I wish my husband would open his eyes, he is so nasty and mean when he is drunk. Every weekend I know I will go through torment with him bashing holes in walls and just being mean. You can do it.

May God Bless you! I will pray that he will give you the strength to get through this.

I am starting to feel the same way. I've only been married 5 years and his drinking has gotten worse and worse- to the point I can't stand his belligerent talk at night. He may as well not be present at all in the evenings. He's scared our son and I'm expecting again- I don't like him being around our son at all intoxicated. I'm seriously considering leaving before I have a second child to witness his behavior.

I have been with my husband for 22 years. I am 40 years old & he is 51. I met him when I was 18 years old & had our first daughter at age 20. When I was pregnant my mother in law told me something that I never saw or even suspected.......He was doing heroine.... Years went by & his addiction became worse & worse..... Crack abuse.....He would be gone for days at a time leaving me with our business & daughters to tend to. During that time he even cheated on me..... having an affair with his ex for over a year. I dont know why I stood back then. I had 3 small children & was just so afraid......terrified of change.He abbused anything he could get his hands on until he landed in jail & the court demanded he stay sober or he would be incarcerated for 18 months. Not wanting that outcome he became sober. Life was great for many years but he began drinking. We now have 3 daughters 20, 14 & 13. We own a business together & take turns running it but when its his days to work.....he begins drinking early at work. Customers have told me that he smells like alcohol & I feel so ashamed. I dont even like to be around him anymore. I have told him to leave but he wont. Our business cannot afford 2 households. Its holding on by a thread. Im afraid of how he will support himself if I leave him. I am not afraid of how I will support myself. I think of myself as an overall strong woman so why am I so weak to leave? I feel so bad for him but I dont want to be that person that feels she needs to save him. I feel so lost! When he is drunk....he passes out & seeing him grosses me out. My kids see how I just ignore him now. I have absolutely no respect for him anymore. The love I once felt for him is unfortunately no longer there. I feel like there is a better life out there for me but dont know how to achieve it. A friend told me about this site & hearing all of your stories has given me a bit of solice... knowing that I am not alone.....that it can be done.

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I feel your pain. Been with my husband for about 25 years. My husband drinks on the weekends anywhere from a 18 to 30 pack of beer sometimes in two hours sometimes in two days. I even had him drive while drunk to get more and then sneak it acting like we are stupid that we don't know as he hides the beer cans. He drinks so much that he can not even walk and falls down. This day I am posting this he took a tumble so hard broke the arm of the leather couch gashed his head. He staggered to the bathroom passed out with blood on his forehead. It took me 15 minutes to wake him up I thought he was dead. Wanted him to be but then again I don't. It is hard to live with him like this. I don't know what to do. I want a divorce but I definitely can live financially independently. My two boys are 19 and 21 and at least they don't to be like their dad so they are not falling down drunks

I understand. I remarried my husband thinking he had cleaned up his act. We where divorced for 5 years, now he's slowly start drinking again. I do not want my life to fall apart. Sometimes I want him gone, other I want his to just stop. But I want a life. How do we survive this? I do not trust him.

I really love my husband and I know that he really loves me. You couldn't ask for a more attentive and loving man, when he's not drinking. We both play in the same band and have a female "lesbian bass pla<x>yer". Well I found texts that they had been doing and I was shocked at the xxxxrated content, which they said was drunk texting. I questioned him and he said I hadn't been giving him what he wanted and she being a lesbian was just a release for him because she was going through similar things with her wife. He said there was nothing more going on. Well later I saw some more "drunk texting" him saying say something dirty to me. They ended the txt with them both saying I love you! Well, that did it. I said it needed to end. he needed to chose me or her, so he text her and said the texting had to stop that he loved me. She has no idea tht ive seen these texts and trie to be my friend. Well the texting from what I can see has stopped, however when we play he gets so drunk that his attention is all for her and I question myself asking what she has that I don't . So towards the end of the night it gets worse and I start to get agitated and so he gets mad at me saying nothing is wrong. Saying goodbye, it's like 5 times and then he has to walk her to her car to say goodnight. I'm always dd so we either argue all the way home or he doesn't talk to me and the night is ruined as for the next day! He then forgets the next day and can't understand why I'm upset and tears eyed. I'm ready to quit the band so I don't see what's going on. I need some advice. Am I just being a jealous wife? Am I in the wrong? What should I do, I don't want to leave him, I just want him to slow down on his drinking. My son, 16 says he hates when his father drinks too! I can't take much more

I can so relate I have been married for 15 yrs going on 16 I can write a book on our crazy relationship but when its all said and done he is a working, responsible , loving guy everyone likes Right , but when he starts drinking he is vulgar , cussed me out , calls me names it gets so bad it takes me 2days just to regroup. I feel belittled , insecure

You are in the right. He has no business doing and saying the things he is to this other person. My moron thinks hes the cats meow when he's drunk. I cant stand to look at him, or listen to him breathing. I hate the way he moves, the way he looks at everyone, his ugly judgements, and well, pretty much everything about the loser when hes drunk. And , quite honestly, I am pretty sick of him sober as well. I have often wished that I had never seen his mean, ugly, hatefilled face. Cheating, is never okay, and if your man hasnt already, he is most definitely gearing up to do it. Claiming its a condition of drunkenness, is bullshit. May I suggest getting some spy equipment. There are many places you can check out for whatever gadget interests you.

I know how you feel my husband used to drink every day. He gave up drinking for 5 months and started again on Saturday. Guess where he is today - at home drinking. So tonight is going to be hell in our house. Everyone is so quick to say leave him and that would be the best thing to do , but it takes money and money does not grow on tress. I also wish that he would just drive in to a tree and die , we would all be better off. - He drives drunk so often I am surprised he has not killed himself.

The people that drive drunk, always get back home. It is the other people that they hurt.

Ladies, I feel your sorrow.

Let met tell you this and this goes for ANY woman who is sitting with drunken husbands.

They have absolutely no Pride, Love, Self-respect, respect for their children or for their wives, no Future goals and NO intention of changing. A Man who puts alcohol or friends above his wife and kids, is not the type of person you want to be stuck with for the rest of your life..

If he is the best dad in the world and most wonderful husband when he is sober, but drinks every night with the knowledge of what he becomes and how much it hurts the people who look up to him, who admire him...who has always seen him as their hero...then he is not a good person..

I have seen my dad push my mom to her absolute limit. Where she is ready to jump in the car and drive off a bridge because she felt there was no other way out. My mom left her job to support his "business", just to be told she is not worth anything, when in his drunken state, and that he is the one who pays the bills. The one who brings food to the table. Yet today, she phoned me and asked if she could do her hair at my house because there is no electricity..

I had to leave early for work today, as any other day, which meant I did not get time to really chat to my mom and 4 sisters.. My wife phoned me about an hour after I left to tell me what actually happened there the previous night.

My dad came back home at midnight, with no food and drunk as a sailor.. The electricity had been cut for two days already and there was no food left in the house. The only thing my mom could do was to walk to the shops and use her last R20 ($2) to buy chips for them to share.

This is not the first time it has happened. I recall 4 times last year, and that is only the times I know about..

I would love to tell the rest of the story, but I am too upset to write right now..

The only thing I can say is... I am an honorable man who loves my wife, my mother, my sisters and the rest of my family above EVERYTHING else! I take pride in my characteristics because I do not drink, I do not sleep around, I do not go out with friends and leave my wife at the house with nothing and no-one to talk to..

I am not saying all these things because I feel superior to other men, or because I think that I am different... but because my mother raised me with every good been inside her and I am PROUD to say, that I have not became the man my father is..

Ladies, don't waste your time.. Don't waste your lives on these men. At the end of the day, it is not only you who suffer, but your children too..

Wow.. soo many women out there, just feeling exactly like I do! The difference in my marriage is though, that my husband is the best husband ever!! And the best father one can possibly imagine! The problem with him is, that is so light on juice that he should't actually been drinking at all. He gets drunk so quickly and when he does he doesn't know anything anymore. He does not get abusive or loud he just can't walk, talk, do anything anymore. So many nights I lie awake, listening to him snoring next to me. The worst is that he always drives! we have 2 beautiful children together, but he doesn't think further. What if he has an accident drunk or what if he drives over someone?? What if someone sober drives into him while he is drunk. It's gonna be his fault and he is going to be locked up for while! For so many years I am trying to tell him that but every time I confront him about it, he walks out of the room. He just doesn't want to hear any of this. I don't know what to do and I am so frustrated. I simply cannot understand why someone his age cannot be responsible and has to do the boys-thing to the very last moment (just before he falls over basically). I am asking myself if I still love him and I would wish for the same man just without that habbit. - All the best to you ladies out there. You just gotta be strong and so will I.

What is he hiding? I get the feeling thst this man has a secret.

I finally kicked my husband out after 8 years of hell. He cried and told me how much he loves me and I felt nothing. His alcoholism murdered the love I once had for him. He needs help, no doubt, but know this - all the love in the world cannot save a drunk. They will always
choose alcohol over everything else. Don't waste your life trying to save or change someone who doesn't want it. If they did, they would be fighting for their sobriety. Not fighting with you over how
many drinks are too many. For the alcoholic one drink is too many.
It's a horrific thing to watch someone you care about self destruct but don't mistake human empathy for magic. Save yourself and pray for your spouse. Only God can save a drunk. They should make alcohol illegal because it ruins everything it touches.

I have been with my husband for 19 years. I sympathize with you. My husband has been getting worse the last couple of years. He's even been leaving work to go out and drink with his friends. My son turned 17 yesterday and we were sitting and talking and he said that he could care less what happens to his father. He thinks the only thing his father cares about is drinking, partying and hanging out with his friends. I don't know that I feel the same way about him as I used to. Now he is always accusing me of cheating or talking to someone. He tells me he pays the bills and takes care of us but what he doesn't understand is that he just not there for us as a father and husband should. I have felt that I just don't care anymore and the feelings are just getting stronger. When I try to talk to him about it he tells me to get over it and have fun we are not going to live forever. Tonight I told him to leave and he just passed out. So frusterated.

See if he will go for counseling quick. My husband continued his tirades and his anger is really his problem. He was almost an embarrassment in counseling. Yelling, sarcasm - not doing anything the counselor asked of us. I hated going and realized he would never be better if he didn't address his rage. He just stopped going and stomped the love/trust in the marriage right out of it.

Sounds like my son at 17. He said his father made his senior high year the worst year in his life. I wish I had left earlier but financially and emotionally I wasn't sure I could. You will know when you have reached that point or not reached it if he gets help. Sounds like your son already knows that he can confide in you. That is a communication line to keep open.

Hope things get better.

Ladies - work to make your separation real. I am finally free. I have gotten the house in good condition, paid up bills in advance and now HIS father helped him with the down payment on a condo and I will have my children free of this 6 year nightmare. The visit with a lawyer almost a year ago put all the wheels in motion. I took his words and advice and documented and got all the financials in order and things will benefit me and my boys from taking it slow and planning. My husband curses at me while angrily telling me he wants to work it out. He just wants to take and be taken care of. I will be free of worrying about the car insurance, free of worrying about his rages and the ruined dinners etc. I get to socialize with my friends again, smile again and maybe love again. I never wanted the 'stigma' of divorce - but I can't wait to have peace and smiles in my home again.

Do not let the depression that takes over ruin your chances of getting what you need and deserve - A LIFE! My job doesn't pay much and I have to take care of the house now - but we will have peace. 28 years of marriage fortunately comes with a little spousal support - and I earned it!

I know exactly how you feel. 7 more years is what I tell myself. Then maybe I can have a life. I worry about staying and the example it sets for my kids though. I don't want them to marry a jerk like him.

I am in the same boat, except my kids are grown, I hate him I am a very ill person ( bad Heart) and can not financially take care of my self. this is why I stay. I pray ever nite to let him die. he drinks from the time he get up until he goes to bed. he thinks I can not tell he is drinking in the morning but I can smell the vodka on his breath. He gets so angry when I confront him. We have lost a car because of a dui he got.I just don't know what to do. I hate him so.

It is very hard to make a step to be on your own - but think about it. I have planned and planned and soon I will be free of him and you could too. I don't know what your health issues are - but a divorce settlement could include keeping you on his insurance until you could qualify for your own. See if a lawyer will give you a free consultation and then try to plan your finances and future around the new possibilities. That is what I am doing. My youngest son deserves to see that there are warm and committed people out there. My older two are in college and beginning their own lives - but there are future years I want them comfortable with holidays with me - where happiness prevails. I am wishing and praying for the best for you. Spouses who live with an alcoholic are much more likely to be depressed so don't fall into that if you remember who you were before he did this! Go for happy years ahead!

Your teenage boys would thank you if you took them and ran for the hills. That anger you feel is because he has not helped you resolve issues that were caused by his drinking. Alcoholics can never look at their lack of ability to have another drink as punishment. It is their release from all the horrible things that went before. He should be HAPPY to be sober. You need to get him interested in new things, family stuff, hobby - something besides the old life. And if he can't stay away because of his son's he is just teaching them the same.

You are right too that NO ONE should knowingly marry a person with alcohol issues. Never! It breaks my heart that my 11 year old is embarrassed not impressed by his dad. Avoids his father and never seeks him out. Cries for a dad like his friends have and has - even with counseling - begun to mention harming himself because he thinks he has the worst life. NEVER bring a child into this life.

Hang in there and leave the first time he gets drunk!

Thank you! I am determined to hold my ground. If he fully understood how fragile the situation is, even when he's doing well, he'd be so shocked. I am thinking good thoughts for you and your son. Breaks my heart he is so hurt by his dad. No kid deserves this!

I have been with my husband for 18 years and we have two teenage boys who are the light of my life. At this time my husband is coming off about 3 months of being sober and says he is going to only drink moderately from now on because he claims he now sees he is the moronic a@$h?!& when he drinks that we always claimed him to be. This is a first, for him to admit he isn't the charming fun and funny guy I guess he thought he was after a 12 pack! Needless to say, after 18 years I am very guardedly optimistic but also know if he goes back to his old crappy ways I am done this time. Done with being with someone who chooses to live in a state of stunted growth on every level, done with someone who doesn't respond to any social cues because they are too obnoxiously drunk to notice. Done with the loud and sometimes abusive ways he treats our sons and done with worrying about him driving drunk. And oh so done with the totally repulsive horniness that emerges because when he is drunk he just responds to the most basic urges which makes me feel like a piece of meat. NOT at all sexy as he imagines himself to be and the smells alone wafting from him as he sleeps are enough to put me on the couch. Oh so done because I have fully figured out that I like my drunk husband best when he's not around. A pretty sad state to reach. On the positive side, There is hope if he can find it in himself to control his drinking because I do like that guy. I like the completely sober guy best of all but Im willing to compromise. So we shall see.

Last thing I will say is I'm just coming into full awareness of how angry I am. I am so, so angry and some nights I wake up and want to konk him over the head cartoon style with a frying pan. But instead I lay in bed thinking about all the things I want to say, to tell him all the stories of hurt and disappointment, embarrassment and frustration. But I let him sleep and try to finally get some rest myself. But boy am I so damn angry. I wonder if it's like the 5 stages of grief and if after the anger is gone I will find acceptance or more sadness, denial again? I don't know, but the anger serves it's purpose in keeping me aware that this time this is it, he's on his last chance and it's all up to him. To those who are newbies to having a relationship with an alcoholic I say RUN. My husband tells me he knows so many nice guys who would love to have a good woman and I know these same guys too and they drink. So to that I say there are plenty of good guys out there that are sober or know how to drink responsibly. So find one of them, relationships will always have hard parts but addiction is one to avoid, trust me on this.

I feel like this could have been written by me. I have been married for almost 19 years and I also have 2 teenage boys, who are my life. I stopped living in denial about my husband's drinking problem about 6 months ago and I'm slowly learning that I need to start being true to myself, instead of always trying to make things better for him or for the "marriage", pretending things aren't as bad as they are and telling myself that things will be better tomorrow. I, too, am done with the lies ("I've only had a couple"), worrying about him driving drunk all the time, and I'm done with seeing the look of disappointment in my sons' eyes when they realize dad is drunk again. They shouldn't have to live like that and neither should I. I literally hate him when he is in that state and I've had many fantasies over the years of hitting him in the head with a cast-iron skillet! I have put up with way too much over too many years and I just can't do it anymore. I was always just too frightened to face the truth, because I knew in my heart how difficult this would be. But now the love is gone (at least on my part)-his drinking slowly chipped away at that until there was nothing left. He is seeing a counselor and trying to keep his drinking under control, but I know it's just a matter of time before he goes back to his old ways. I have FINALLY come to the realization that I cannot change his behavior and I need to quit trying because it is pointless. All I can do is pray that he gets the help that he needs. Now I am going to concentrate on taking care of me and my boys.

He'll never drink moderately. It's all or nothing. Heard that line about a million times from my drunk.

My husbandtoo he will finish all the drink in the house and then still drive to find more.

My 6th year anniversary and I am spending pissed at my husband cause he drunk to the point he passed out on the couch and peed on it. I try to make him move so I can clean up and all I hear is him calling me a cow ( I weigh 105lbs) and a *****. This has not bee the first time, last year we had to call the cops cause he started throwing punches to the air (he was drunk so we wasn't aiming) and also lucky me I do some kickboxing so I could stop it. My father in law tried to restrain him with no luck, finally ambulance had to come. Looks like the medication he is taking should not be mixed with alcohol. Let along the alcohol, when I met him 10 years ago he was a sweet shy guy that didn't know how cute he was. Fell in love immediately. He would do absolutely anything to be with me and be happy. 2 years ago he got diagnosed with Lyme disease and Mr Hyde appeared. I understand it has to be very difficult to deal with a situation like that but he does not let anybody help him cause he gets mad so it got to the point I just don't ask. Any excuse is a good one to start a fight, especially with me , in which at the end he mocks me cause I want to work (I am the only one working with a nice job with a nice salary), and tries to make me feel like a loser. One time to the point that he spat on my face which I found extremely offensive. What keeps me here Is the person I know for ten years but I wonder if he is ther anymore

my life sounds just like yours. The only difference is, we don't have children (together) the time frames are the same. I, at a time, wished he would die when in his sleep. However, one morning, he didn't get up at his usual time but much later. I was afraid to check on him and so many things ran through my mind. One of which, it takes two to make a relationship work!!! To be perfectly honest with you...I thought he might had left this world. Seriously, be careful what you wish for. I could go on, but, I think you (hopefully get my point). Life isn't always perfect, but, putting more effort in a relationship may help and do not count on HIM doing it alone..he needs you..

You don't have kids....leave now. Do not get trapped in this hell with kids. Unless you are sure you are not having kids, but still leave. If I could go back before the kids were born, I never would have walked down that aisle.

I think I share the same pain but my story is different. You see I love my boyfriend more than anything in the world. I want to help him but he has this personality that is very different from any man I have been around. When I first got involved with him he would be drunk out of his mind and I had no idea. He could drink so much and function so well. I fell in love with a man who was so super sweet, would tell me how much he cared for me and so many other wonderful things and the whole time he was drunk and I didn't know it. I have never really been around a drunk so this was new to me. When I would comment on something he had said to me the night before he had no recollection of it and sometimes said I was making things up. As time went on and we started spending more time together I began to see what was going on. The first time I spent the night with him and we woke up in the morning I felt like I was with a stranger. He acted so different, so cold. It was a Saturday morning and was distant until lunch time. I didn't know it but this was the first time I had been with him sober. He had a beer and I began to see him ease up. Then he had 2 beers, he was smiling and he really losened up. We left the restaurant and went by the store and he picked up a 12 pack and a bag of ice. He kept a cooler in the trunk, which I had no idea it was even there. We then went to the beach and he ended of finishing ALL of the beer within 3 hours. My sweetie was back. He became the guy I fell in love with again. That is so sad. So now it has been 4 years. I still love him but I have become his babysitter. What I have discovered is that sober he can be the biggest *** but drunk he is like a precious little boy. I have to stay home with him when he isn't at work because as soon as his work day is done he starts drinking and doesn't stop until he passes out. He pees on himself. Leaves all the lights on in his house and doesn't lock the door or make sure that things get done before passing out. If I am not with him on the weekends, when he runs out of beer he will drive to the store when he is so drunk and has no business driving. I am afraid he is going to kill himself or much worse, someone else. He has gotten MUCH better about drinking and driving but occasionally still does. He has a son and gets him occasionally. I stay with them to make sure that the boy is taken care of properly. I will say that he doesn't drink near as much when his son is there however his son is getting to know his dad and takes advantage when he knows he has been drinking a lot. I have to step in at times which usually means trouble. My love has NEVER raised a hand to me, holds down a very good job, but he is pitiful. He loves me, never wants me to leave his side, I just get so tired of working a full time job, cooking, cleaning my house, his house, babysitting him and his son. It is just too much. He will NOT be told what to do. So if I tell him he needs to slow down on the drinking it's a fight. I will say only a couple of occasions we have fought when he is drunk. When that happened he made me nervous. Very abusive verbally, and of course always apologetic after he sobers up. I know that he loves me. He shows me. He does the sweetest things for me and thinks about me a lot, but I do know that he loves his beer more. I want to help him. I know I should walk away but I can't. I feel like I am his enabler. Hopefully I will find a way to really help him. I just hope it won't be too late. He is not a young man and I am afraid this disease is going to make him very sick or kill him.

At least you love him. I'm a recovering alcoholic. It can be done if he is willing to get help. Maybe he needs to get a DWI to wake up to what he's doing to himself. Don't enable too much. Tell him you love him, but let him suffer some consequences so he can take a look at himself.

Thank you for sharing this advice. I needed to hear it

Just leave. You deserve better and will find better. Don't get sucked into this hell and then marry him and have kids with him. There is nothing you can do. He has to help himself. Leave while you can before you feel even more trapped.

I'm ready to rent a room somewhere and stop being co-dependent on this sick man. I need help for my anger and rage. God help me.

Amen sister.

Do it. If you have the courage to go, do it. I wish I had the courage.

Ive been with husband since 1968 was hard years had no money but happy.but afull now hes only interested in drink,gets drunk earlier every day and shows so much hate in his eyes,Ive been hitand have had my back broken by him,lifts fists all the time,I hate him hav to get out,my daughter also abusive towards me,I have to get out buT SCARED financialy what can I do? I HATE HIM

There is a lot of support for abused and battered women. Go to your local social service agency and get help, quick!!

Those agencies don't help as much as you think they do, if she really wants to leave she needs to make sure she's financially independent, only then can she successfully make a permanent departure. That's the cold, hard truth!

I want to leave! I'm 17 weeks pregnant and can't seem to have any ambition to run away!!! Someone help! This is horrible! Why do I love this guy? Yuk! Whats wrong with me? I can't have another child go through an alcoholic father. I have to do it next week when he is out of town. Lord, please give me the strength and deliver me from evil, whatever evil spell that makes me frozen please release me Lord!

I hope you left. Do it now before you feel more trapped. My husband wrapped his hands around my throat when I was 6 months pregnant and threatened to kill me. I spent the night in a hotel and the worst thing I ever did was go back. Leave now

Wow! After reading ALL the above blogs, as depressing as it seems...I feel so much better. Knowing Im not the only one (selfishly) helps. Ive been with mine for 14 years. Never married, met him when I was 19! I can't even begin to explain everything he's put me through because of his drinking. He was the perfect boyfriend until we moved in together after 4 years. We moved in together because I was expecting our son. Then the cheating began, going out with his friends...now at least there are no other girls and he drinks at home. I guess I should feel grateful! What a laugh.
Like many of you, I haven't left because of financial issues and because I have two kids, 10 and 8, that will be crushed! However, deep down I know that I have to leave because of them...I don't want them to think this is NORMAL!!!
Like many of you he gets so drunk that he mistakes the living room coffee table for the toilet, is verbally abusive, mean, stupid and he stinks!!! How do you sleep beside that?? I sleep with 1 eye open, afraid of what he might do!!! And of course he remembers non of it the next day!
I gave myself 1 yr to make money and leave. So far so good. I know that no matter what, its a step I just have to take without too much thought. And I KNOW that once Im gone, I will wonder why it took me so long to leave. But I won't take my kids to a shelter and I have no family I can stay with, so I need to be financially stable first.
I hope that all of you woman that are in the same situation as I, realize your worth. Take action to a better tomorrow for you and your children. Mine are 10 and 8, they are already scared...I just hope its not unrepairable.
I wish everyone strength, and love. Thank you for sharing your stories with everyone. Reading this has turned my anger into strength. I know I am not alone.

Good for you! I wish I had your courage.

i can relate to everyones stories, all my energy goes on trying to stop him drinking. I want him to see what we could have we have lots of positives 2 lovely sons a grandaughter and another grandchild due in feb. He trys to take control but is slowly losing it, staggering as he walks droping things and his memory is terrible. I'm so lonely and know i deserve more but its like a vicious circle when occasionaly hes sober its all ok. Hes not capable of making decisions and is dangerous and abusive. Ive lost myself and spend my life naging. Constantly tired and anxious. We have just took a morgage out and now I regret it as our sons don't live here anymore and I could have left. We have puppy and she is going to be an emotional wreck. One day I might have an answer but right now its not happening.We have been together 30 years, what will it take for me to leave? and where will I go ???

Thank you so much for this article. I have been with a drunk for 13 years, and we have a son that is 11. the only conclusion i have is to wait until my son is 18, and then leave. Or hopefully he will die, or get imprisoned. the other night he got really drunk and had 2 altercations with the police, acme home, and i told him to leave and called the police. the police will not help, he doesn't have any friends to stay with, so they had him stay here.They told me i have to get a legal eviction. even though he doesn't pay rent or any of the bills ever!!!

I feel for you! Unfortunately that's the truth, as long as his name is on the lease/rental agreement he can only be asked to leave if you can get him legally evicted. The reason is because as long as the rent is paid, there is no reason to ask anyone to leave, the law doesn't care who pays it, as long as it is paid it gives everyone on the lease the legal right to stay in the apartment/house. If it's not paid, then everyone on the lease has to leave. The law doesn't care about personal issues which leaves someone like you in a helpless situation. Your best bet is to find your own place with only you and your son's name on the rental agreement.

I have been married to my husband 3 weeks hoping his drinking will change. It has not. When he does not work he starts drinking frm as soon as he wakes up. could be 5 or 6 am until he falls asleep or rather passes out at 3. when awake again back on the booze. What do i do. Can anyone help me ?

As I'm sure you've already discovered, there is no help for this other than to hope he sees the problem himself and gets help or stops, or you leave him. There are no other solutions.

Hi my name is julie, i can totaly conect to your story as my husband has his 6pm drincking time he calls it drinck oclock. Ihave my own buisnes and he works with me, just dont know what to do, we have just has to move to a 1 bed flat and i blame him, he says its every one elses fault. i know he needs help, but so do i. good look

I have learned that if you love your children more than anything, you MUST get away. Your children will pick up on the fact that you do not respect yourself, and they won't respect you, either. I learned this from bitter experience, and I feel that I did an injustice to my children, and I hope someday they will forgive me for the mistake I made, even though I though I thought it was for the best of intentions on my part.

I am the adult child of an alcoholic and I WISH my mother had left my father and taken me with her, but yet I understand not wanting to leave your children alone with an alcoholic who frankly, is often sexually abusive. I've been married to an alcoholic who is also emotionally absent, cold and withholds sex from me because I don't bring women home for him. Can you believe his narcism?! He cheats whenever he finds some ***** who will be with him. He drinks the weekend away while the house goes to hell. And money? He is always borrowing from me or his mother to cover his overspending. I used to LOVE him so much, but I don't love him anymore. It's taken me years to separate myself from him financially but I've done it. And now I'm moving away this coming spring once my rental lease is up. I cannot wait to start over and get away from this man who is sucking the life out of me. He only cares about himself and the booze. I know that AA has helped him in the past but only when he works that program. I have been a member of Alanon and need to return there to get support now and when I leave him.

Good for you. I know how hard it is to break those chains . I too ,am taking steps, for 27 years ,I have allowed my ******* to jerk me and the kids around. We do not deserve this. He has made life hell for our kids and me. Our kids deserve so much better than that. And so do we. I am cleaning up a financial mess first, before that is done, I cant go. But look out world, im planning to break free......

Wow, I thought I was the only one going through this and feeling this way. I have been married 18 years and the last 5 or so he has been drunk from 3:00 PM until he drops in bed. He decided 6 years ago he didn't want to work full time anymore so he quit his job and went seasonal so he can sit home and drink all winter long. Last night was the third time I went to grab dishes for dinner and he had put the dirty ones away with out running them through the dishwasher first. I have stayed because of the dogs as they are to old to move and he is mean to them and I cannot trust him to make the house payment at all or on time and I cannot afford to have my credit ruined. Well today I put a call into a lawyer for an appointment to find out what I need to do to start divorce procedures. One of the dogs passed away two weeks ago and the other one is not doing well and is so old. I need to be strong and I need to get through this for my own well being. I am still at awe at how all of you have the same thoughts I do. Good luck to everyone.

The only reason I stay is because I dont want to share my kids and have them spend time alone with him because I dont trust him and the way family court functions I dont want to take the chance to have share custody.....sucks!!!!!!

I know what you mean i feel the same way. Ive been married for 37 yrs. I can live on my own fiancially but for some reason i choose to stay My children are gown and only one is at home i think she stays because she worries about me dealing with him on my own. I also wish that he would die in his sleep because that is all he does is sleep. The only time he doesnt drink is when i am home on saturday and i keep him from going anywhere. How can i get the courage to leave i am sick and tired of living with him

I want to leave my husband but I'm scared. I love him dearly but I hate him so much. I wish I could die sometimes to end the pain. I wish he would get pulled over and go to jail so bad.

Me too been married for 15 years and he's been an alcoholic the whole 15 years. He is so absent in our lives. We have two kids together a 15 and 7 year old. I do everything appointments, homework, sports, ect. He even does not pay attention to the house chores a man does. He is so worthless. All he does is work and give me sex. He is no use for me. And he ain't that great in bed either.

I am sorry that children are in this mess - but you must just leave her. They are not safe and have already grown up without the nurturing necessary in their young lives. They need your peace and sobriety in the evenings and the nurturing of a hired caregiver during your work hours. Get a support circle around you and ask what they can do until you get settled. Get a restraining order between her and the children and get a divorce. Things will not change and if in ten years they do - then remarry her. But right now you must remove them from the damage they will experience. They may never be all they can be if you do not. You owe the peace to yourself also! I am praying for those that have posted below. We are a busy and hardworking bunch. I am getting everything together to leave my husband. I have a fifth grader that cannot control his anger - is showing signs of ADHD (he is distracted by seeing all the love his friends receive from their dads and pines and daydreams for it all). He will be so difficult in middle school I am sure.

I have a ? To ask I have been living with my wife/ girlfriend for the past 9 years we have two young kids together and a house/car together. She is constantly drinking and I don't know what to do. I am in the same boat I am lost..... I want to leave and take the kids and run but I don't want the kids not to have a mother. " my oldest is 3" but at the same time I don't want to the boys to see there mother is a drunk. What should I do? What steps should I take? She has been in rehab 5 times and just starts drinking a month after she gets out.

She loves liquor more than your children, and you, too. Your children are young, and they will recover. Don't make the mistake I did, and let your children grow up to resent you for not taking care of them or yourself.

I read these messages and find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one to suffer. Living with a functional drunk is more than I can bear any longer. He is 52 years old and a professional. The progression of his disease is spilling over to his business now. Our son is grown and will be married this year. He thinks his fathers behavior is appalling, but he still loves him unconditionally. Our daughter however has different thoughts of her father. She has hatred towards him. She is 17 and says, "he has never been a father to me and I can not imagine walking down the isle with him." I find it so sad. I have been with my husband for 30 years. He has been a drunk for 25 of them. The only sober times he has had has been when he was incarcerated for DUI'S....10 of them. The most peaceful time of my life is when he was gone. What is pathetic is I believed all of his stories about changing and never drinking again....I fell for it twice! Liked him again when he had soberity. Thought I was doing the right thing keeping the family together. DUMB! What we are teaching our children is resentments and to put up with instead of finding your own happiness. Why is it soooooo hard for us to leave???????? I want to run so fast and never look back....why can't I find the door???? Someone tell us how to find the courage to leave these sick men behind and learn to lead happy content lives for ourselves. Help! I so sick and tired of being sick and tired and living my life on edge because of this narcissictic loser. I am tired of living a lie and having a heart full of hatred. God, please help us all who suffer.

To everyone here,

I have read your posts and they break my heart. They bring back memories of my ex husband who I eventually got the courage to leave over 23 years ago. He is dead now as he eventually drove himself to death by drinking to excess. He developed cancer of the mouth due to drink and had to have his tongue cut off. and died shortly after.I know it is not easy but you must try and get the strength from somewhere or someone to leave-to move on with your lives and put yourselves and more importantly your children first. If you don't you will find that you will be in the same position with your kids who could easily think that this behavior is normal when it isn't. I had to get out-I know it is not easy but at the time I would have lived in a tent and be celibate for the rest of my life-but you must find away you owe it to yourselves. You can do it!

I found that music gave me inspiration like 'sisters are doing it for themselves' I will be praying for you all but do it. If I can help any of you please feel free to ask x

I just googled I live with a drunk and want to get out, HELP.. This site came up. I've lived with a drunk for 3 years now. 6 DWI'S, countless house arrests, machine to blow in to start car (he beats the system by riding his bike to the liquor store to get his booze) The only time he's sober obviously is when he's on house arrest, he should be on mandatory house arrest the rest of his life. Been in and out of the hospital countless times, he's 35 years old. 2 days ago he fell backwards and hit the back of his head on the toilet, instant puddle of blood on the floor. I called 911 and got the ambulance here. It was a weight lifted off me thinking at least he'll be out of the house for a few hours. Was hoping the hospital would send him to detox, then I'd know he'd be gone for 3 days. I can't wait til his probation officer finds out he was drinking. He'll loose his license. He lost his job because he was going to work drunk. Starts drinking at 6 am. drunk by 8am. Walks around the house in oblivian all day long. Slobber running down his face, pants down to his waist, eyes drooping, just completely ugly and disgusting! Seriously I read these posts and the women want their husbands/boy friends to die, yep I do too, more than anything! When he fell and hit his head I was hoping that was it. Nope, bounced right back. **** my life!! I do have a small income every month and I keep praying that next month I'll be gone. My family sucks! No help from them. He's faced zero jail time with all those DWI'S and that's why he keeps drinking. I want him to rot in jail. When I look at his face I think "I HATE YOU!!" What a gross pig. I have to talk nice and kiss his *** or else he'll flip out in a drunken rage. His family has given up completely and I'm the only one left. It's me picking up the pieces. What a nightmare I'm living. I am just thankful that I didn't get the alcoholic gene, my life would be worthless. I need to get out of here. Why don't they have programs, housing assistance for women that have to get out?? I will not go to a homeless shelter! Please pray for me. Thank you!

I just read some of these stories to my alcoholic husband. My 3 sons all have so much anger from their angry drunk father. I have been trying to get him out of the house for 5 years. I now finally have a job but not near enough income to get me and my youngest out of here. I try to protect my son, but he will have delinquent behavior from all of the pain inflicted on him. He just wants a nice Dad like he sees the other kids in his class have. My husband has embarrassed me, caused me to cut back on my own activities because I have to take care of everything, the bills, the insurance, the cars, home and my older boys educational needs. He had the worst depressive mom and he sees everything as awful just like her. If I had known what she was like I might not have married him. They all lived a lie to cover her mental illness so I know he has no idea how to parent or anything. But he is over 50 and it is high time he is responsible for himself. He has really ruined my three sons memories of their childhoods. What will they have to look back on and draw joy from?

Been with my husband since 1978. He didn't start drinking until his mother died in 1998. Got 2 DUI's in a 2 week period in 2000 and because he kept drinking, they kept throwing him in jail and when they gave him the ankle bracelet and the machine he had to blow into whenever it went off he didn't drink- that was only for a few months- the best few months I can remember.The day they took him off the machine and off probation he stopped and picked up a six-pack and never looked back.That whole ordeal took 4 years in and out of jail and a month in rehab and he still had to go back to drinking.What an idiot.There is maybe 2 evenings out of the week he doesn't drink. I love him and care about him but absolutely hate him when he drinks and that hatred is beginning to spill over. He just doesn't get how much it changes him.Most of the time when he drinks he takes a bath, and there have been many times I have thought of how easy it would be to just walk in there and push his head down into the water and drown him to death- thats how much I hate it(him). Lately, besides sometimes wanting to kill him,I'm wanting to end my own life, as my life is ****. No job, no money, filing bankruptsy and our son disowned us a few months ago. I just don't have nothing left to live for now.Idiot drunk husband,no family, no friends, no job- no nothing.

Wow.....same story different people, ditto over here........I love him, I hate him, wish he would die, wish I would die...Well yesterday I told him, he has to leave. Getting him out is a different story! But I will and he will leave willingly or in handcuffs, his choice. My choice is to heal and live without fear. Love and blessings to everyone here...It isn't your fault but how you live your life is your choice.

My husband is now drinking and smoking until he is oblivious, every day after work.<br />
The next day he tells me he won't be drinking or smoking and I should "Trust Him"<br />
His Mother tells me, "At least he is home drinking and not out with a bunch of women like his Dad was".....<br />
This is my second marriage and almost the same amount of time I spent on the first one I have now spent on the second with the same results.<br />
<br />
I am so sick of the lack of investment in our marriage. We have been together for 14 years and married for 7. <br />
<br />
He is now lazy (when I ask or need something). If one of his buddies need something he is helping them so fast it makes my head swim. <br />
<br />
I am becoming jaded and physically ill and I have been taking medication because he is my problem. <br />
<br />
If I have a couple of drinks with him, I usually end up so angry, it scares me. <br />
<br />
I am a professional as well and just so tired of all the stuff going on. <br />
<br />
I just want to leave but I love him so much when he is sober. :(<br />

When the pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving, it's time to move on.

Understood. Right now I am trying to figure out if I should call the cops or ambulance. He has been drunk and hasn't left the bed for a week. other than getting up to pee. I can't take this anymore.

I have been with my drunk husband for 14 years now. We have 2 daughters 11 and 9. He drinks a 12 pack every day from 5 til bedtime. I hate the smell. The problem is he cooks, cleans, and goes to our childrens activities. I just cant stand going to bed with a drunk every nite of my life..Everyone including his parents say how lucky i am because he helps around the house and yard.. Why am i so mad all the time then? He sits and eats his dinner on our bed every nite at 10:30 pm with his eyes shut. I could hit him. I think about leaving but we have a home, a camp, etc. My girls would be devestated. They love thei dad but we have spent 3 nites in hotels this year because i was afraid of him. any thoughts? He never remembers being mean the next day.

That's my husband; he wants to drink more than he wants yo be happy. I've been with him for 15.5 years (not married) and I've had enough, too. I just can't afford it financially to leave. I'm stuck and wish he would just LEAVE. He's embarrassing and hateful to me and our 3 girls. I'm hurt, pissed, full of resentment and inner rage and fed the f*** up. God help me to find the strength to just leave him forever.

I recently left my drunk husband. We were only married for 4 years but we were together for 8. He did drink while we were dating but I guess that's why people say love is blind. I guess I didn't realize how much. But from the time we got married he decided that the love was over. That since he married me I didn't need any emotional or physical part of him anymore. He left me alone all the time to drink. Drink with his buddies or drink in the kitchen and pass out every night. He refused to come to the bedroom and be with me. He even said " all that love bull.... you were exspecting is over." And this was just a week after we were married. And when I tried to have a physical relationship with him he pushed me away. Well I had all that I could take. I am a 41 year old women with a lot to offer and I just can't live with a diseased minded man who can't stop drinking long enough to see that he had a women that loved him very much and who did everything she could to make it work. But after 4 years of trying to love the man he just wanted to drink more than he wanted a happy life.

I can so relate , I have been married 20 years together 25. The first 6 were fun , then it all changed. My husband is depress and drinks beer every night , we do nothing as a family, we have one son. It feels like it is just me and my Son and it hurts a lot. All I want to do is leave I hate it so much. I get so angry and start yelling and I know that does not help - he is not abusive and when the rare occasions of soberness is in house if feels so good but I get one day a week of that. I'm truly at the end of my rope and walking away seems like the only solution.<br />
<br />
Thanks to whoever is reading this, I never told anyone how I felt other then my husband and he does not care.

I have a heart and I feel badwhen he criesand begs and givesme a line of bull the next day when he is sober. I feel sorry for my son because he is only 3and loves his daddy so much but I hate him.

I have been with mine for 6years married for 3My husband does work a fill time job to support Me and my son who just turned 3. But the problem is the drinking. I never know if he is even going to come home from work or not. I cannot rely on him for anything. He only cares about drinking myson and myself cant compare to drinking tio him. I had to go as far when he passed out one night I took his credit cards and money out of his wallet. He got us a hotel for or anniversary it was more life a family thing out sob went with Us was supposed to be a night away started out ok and thenhe says i'm gonna go down stairs and get some milk and cookies (for our son) anddidnt come back until the next morning and was so drunk he could barely walk. This is all the time. I cant trust him to even run to the store1mile down the road because sometimes he just wont come home. I work a fulltime job and work 3 dayshifts and 2 nightson the times when I work nights im scared to leave my son with himmost of the time they are fine but I can barely concentrate at work because I am worried about what he is doing so its either get a babysitter and him not have any responsibilities and (run off) is what I call it because he wont be home when I get there or leave myson with him and hope for the best. He doesnt drink everyday but if he gets the opportunity to he will not turn it down. He comes home from work drunk unless I pick him up because his boss goes by the liquor store on the way home from work EVERYDAY so I have to waste my time and gas to drive 30min to him and 30back just so he doesnt drink. But he denies it even when I can tell from a mile away. Hethinks im dumb. I dont have any friends because im too busy worried about him and cant go anywhere but work because I dont leave my son alone with him. I should be able fo trust him. my parents know because they seehim daily andusually he is drunk. They say leave him. My mom was in the same situation with my dad. My coworkers aremy only friends and fo them hes such a vood guy because they dont have to luve with him and he is a good guy whenhe is sober but that isnot very often. Even hispaparsnts think I should leave him and have offered to help me. I am just so torn because ven

I know whayou are ging through I been in th the he will die I sm so unhappy I stay in my room most of the time twenty of pure hell it's just not worth it any more

I have the same issue but its been 34 years. Somehow, someway , I need to get away and be able to actually live the last few years of my life. I don't know how financially that will be possible but after 5 he is worthless and saying abusive or stupid things. I can't depend on him for anything . Luckily he usually falls asleep in his chair most nights, so as long as I tiptoe past him to bed and don't touch his remote I can escape the hell I am in and go to bed

I'm sorry you are going thru this but I understand fully. I also hate my husband. I have fought to try and change things for 15+ years but now I don't care. I would gladly pack if he would leave. I don't care anymore. Let someone else worry, change the wet bed, I hate him. I am tired of the drinking and it is dragging me back down into depression. I am not yet financially able to leave but I am working on it and when I am I'm gone. Fortunately our kids are grown and gone. I have so much anger and hatred I don't know how to deal with it.

It's odd, it's not my husband that I want to see dead, but myself. After three years of marriage and a total of nine years of being in a relationship with this man, I feel that I have lost myself and him. I don't know how to be supportive and empathetic to this drunk ******* and maybe it's because I don't truly understand alcoholism. And I don't want to. I'm just too tired now and I don't have the motivation/want to think of numerous ways to save this man. I am babysitting him constantly and when he is sober, he is a lump of boredom...he does not care to make me feel good. I do everything, I surprise him with cards and tell him I love him but even now that is forced and diminished. I am in hell.

Please go to Al Anon or Celebrate Recovery (church based AlAnon). Alcoholism is a disease which can be treated if the alcoholic wants the help. I hate my husband and my life, have gone to bed praying I would die and angry when I wake up the next morning. I have even gone as far as to fire off a round to see if I would be able to hold it steady. I couldn't, besides what would this do to my family, and it would only confirm his lies to his that I am crazy. I finally told him when he came home the other day drunk after he apologized I didn't plan this etc "I don't care. If you get another DUI, have an accident and injure yourself or someone else it's not my fault". His response was "Yes you do care" to which I very calmly replied "Not anymore" and walked off.

I grew up with an alcoholic father. It did happen some violent episodes caused by his drunkenness, and I will always remember them. However my mom, stayed in the relationship. Maybe because she knew he is a good man. Although the memories of his alcoholism are huge on me, I remember more that he is still a great father - and a man with an addiction - and I am definitely luckier than most of my friends, that although didn't have an alcoholic father, had an absent one. What I am really trying to say is that, my mom followed her gut instincts and stayed in a marriage, that we could say triumphed at the end. She tried to take him to rehab but of course he didn't want. He did lack of help, as everyone else in the family thought that was easier to tag him as a bum. Poor man. I wish by the time I knew better that alcoholism is not lack of character but a illness like any other one

Sounds like we all need a plan of escape here from our situation or just a good motivational talk with someone. I am with my BF of 5 years and we have two children which are 2 and 11 months. My BF stopped drinking for one year after we found out we were going to have our first son. Life was great! I thought that this was going to be our new Sober life together and I loved it. I don't depend on alcohol but I do admit that glass of wine is nice with dinner every so often. He on the other hand now goes to the bar every 3 nights or less. He says he was only there for a little bit and didn't drink much, but I know his drinking habits. 3 whiskey on the rocks within and hour, 2 shots within the next with beers in between. After two hrs he is totally wasted and too drunk to even wake up with our kids at night. I have gone out sometimes with him and do every so often, but it is the only time I am able to let loose after staying home with kids all day seven days a week. Even when I do go out I ALWAYS wake up with our kids through the night and early in the morning, so this means I have never gotten wasted enough not to function and have been the responsible one 100% of the time. I wish that it wasn't always the BAR that he wanted to go to when we have a babysitter for the night. Why can't we just go for a drive, go to a movie, or anything else. Oh, that's right....Since he pays for everything that means its his decision on what he wants to spend his money on. Well, I will tell you this much. I almost have my degree and my Personal Trainer certification within the next few months. Once I have my FT Fitness career and degree in Health and Exercise Science things are for sure going to change around here. I am going to run my own show and be able to make my own decisions on where my money is spent with our kids. No more depending on him to give me one night a week out of the house. I know for a fact that all my sleepless nights with our children waking up and all the dirty diapers and all the stress, things are going to work out for me and our kids perfectly in the end and I hope they do for him too though. As long as I keep my head high and don't let his drinking affect my life, our kids will see who the stronger person is in the relationship. I also disagree that if one person makes all the money, that they have "the right" to do whatever they want and have no responsibility to nurture and care for their kids and family. I believe that both parents should share the kids' responsibilities 50/50. Working a full-time job and paying bills is just as stressful and as hard as being a stay at home parent of one,two or more kids. I am grateful however, that I get to see our kids grow each day and don't miss a thing. They are my angels sent from heaven and I am so happy that they get to follow my lead each and every day. I pray every night that he get control over his drinking and know that one day he will. I am staying with him because I do love him and know in my heart that he is a good man. But things I know will be different once I am financially capable of supporting half the bills and everything else. Wishing death upon somebody is completely and utterly wrong! Being a strong person and praying for them is the best thing you can do for someone who is hurting (because alcoholics are hurting) Do I wish that he was here and not drunk half the time to share this with me...Of Course! But I have learned that I will never change him and can only control my life, and my attitude, and just hope that our kids will follow a good path in the end. Hang in there ladies and realize that YOU and GOD are the only two people that can control your feelings and your life. Your kids don't control you and neither does your husband or boyfriend with the alcohol problem. He will realize someday that he missed out on so much,but can never turn back the hands of time. At least YOU got to spend the time watching your beautiful children grow and develop. We are the strong ones and God sees everything good we have done for our families. I am not a preacher but do believe that trusting God is the best thing that we can do as humans and as long as we stay strong in our faith, only good things will come for us in the end. Our time is short here on earth, some of us gone today, tomorrow or in many years. Make the best out of our life and our short time here. My step sister was pregnant full term and lost her beautiful little girl the day she was born. Her time was so short yet she touched so many lives in her mom's belly. God bless her heart. Be grateful for what we do have and for the children that have changed our lives. If alcohol is running your life then maybe going to church or a group or therapist would be a good idea. Even though I am with my BF/almost like my husband, and he loves to drink, I don't let him rain on my parade and realize that I am the lucky one in the situation. After all, we chose to have kids together and don't ever regret that one bit. I pray for all of you who struggle with this and hope things work out, especially for you who have children. I recommend reading some Joyce Meyer books or attending one of her free conferences. She is such a strong willed women and has so many powerful survival stories. Best Wishes to you all :)

oh my God I thought I was alone.. I feel I live two lives one at work and I think no one knows, I stay for my kids it would destroy them. It is starting to show with me emotionally I cry a lot and can not stop sometimes. Sometimes I just drive and hope he passes out. I have no answers I have lost hope.

Help! I want/need to get out too- but feel so scared! In a foreign country without any other family other than my husband and my 2year old baby... How do you do it?? How does the planning go???

I'm that daughter who's mother stayed with their alcoholic father too long. Take a look at the many websites for children of alcoholics and adult children of alcoholics. If your husband has been drinking that much and for that long, the damage is done. I'm completely crippled from my childhood and my father's alcoholism and I have to constantly work on it. It isn't something that just goes away. Staying for the kids is really your way of saying you're a co-dependent and you're addicted to the alcoholic behavior. I know what you're thinking, I'm not co-dependent! Get you and your kids to some Al-Anon meetings right away so that you can see that it is the natural reaction and you're not alone. Let me put it this way, go ahead and stay so that you can spend the rest of your life telling your kids how sorry you are that they're so f'ed up. Or why not put yourself and your children before the destructive drunk and either get out now or get all of your butt's to Al-Anon/Al-Ateen so that the healing can begin now.

I'm that daughter who's mother stayed with their alcoholic father too long. Take a look at the many websites for children of alcoholics and adult children of alcoholics. If your husband has been drinking that much and for that long, the damage is done. I'm completely crippled from my childhood and my father's alcoholism and I have to constantly work on it. It isn't something that just goes away. Staying for the kids is really your way of saying you're a co-dependent and you're addicted to the alcoholic behavior. I know what you're thinking, I'm not co-dependent! Get you and your kids to some Al-Anon meetings right away so that you can see that it is the natural reaction and you're not alone. Let me put it this way, go ahead and stay so that you can spend the rest of your life telling your kids how sorry you are that they're so f'ed up. Or why not put yourself and your children before the destructive drunk and either get out now or get all of your butt's to Al-Anon/Al-Ateen so that the healing can begin now.

I read all of the comments and feel like you ladies are writing about my life. My husband retired at age 55 due to back problems. He operated heavy equipment for 30 years and had three herniated discs and was unable to get up into the machines any longer. When he retired he did not plan for any kind of activity to keep himself occupied during the day. I work in the medical field full time and while I am at work he finds it necessary to go the bar as early as 10 in the morning. He is there for hours and of course driving home and bringing some home with him. I worry about him being involved in an accident and injuring or killing someone. He lies about his drinking and just recently I was able to see just how many checks he has been writing to bars through online checking account. Thank goodness I have my own checking account but he is spending hundreds of dollars monthly on beer. I have lived with this for 33 years and cannot take it any longer. I found a mobile home in a wonderful park but I feel if I leave I will be letting him down but he constantly lets me down. I pray to God to give me the strength to carry out my plans and to be able to get on with my own life without the fear of what I am coming home to everyday.

God speed to freedom for all being abused by these poor excuses for human beings.<br />
I needed to read these postings...as what I believe is an answer to my prayer to God that I want to leave my drunken, cussing, verbally abusive, lazy husband of 16 years. <br />
He hit me some years ago and I called police and he went to jail...he gets drunk but knows I will fight back and call police so he resorts to verbal abuse. Drinks almost daily, goes to AA meetings and church AA meetings while drunk no less. I am so tired of the counselors telling him..she loves you and is here supporting you...which I think only makes him feel he can keep it up. They should tell him you are a disgrace as a man and no one should put up with your bull. He is an embarrassment, always walking wobbly and talking slurred in public, trying to be nice in public, but cussing me out in private, I feel I have hate for him and have thought it would be better if he did not wake up also. We have no children together thank God! I see that I have my answer to my prayer from reading these posts. He only stops drinking by court order or when he got sick from drunk pancreas disease and ended up in ICU twice...but always starts drinking again when he feels better. He steals money from me and has pawned things from the house to get alcohol Not planning to stick around for the **** to get sick on me..as he would be put in a nursing home. .I am looking for an apartment to get some peace of mind and live without cussing and verbal abuse from a drunk. Hope all of you in bad situations with these hopeless drunks can find a way out. GOD Bless and help you all.

I don't know...if I read this all I get goosebumps...my H is a drunk too<br />
and I'm not happy and can not help to change it.<br />
But one thing is for sure never,ever will any men hit me...he know's that<br />
his bud is quicker in jail then he can finish his beer...to all you Lady's<br />
word's from my Dad (RIP) "NO men has the right to hit you ever and<br />
if he doese you run or fight, he is not wores a Penny"<br />
<br />
p.s. sorry for my english,I work on it

My heart is with you sister,i'm living with a nightmare of husband!He just too be nice and now is a mean and abusive husband.He does not care about my feelings and emotions,he is so cruel and malicious,he told me 3 days ago that i was his best friend and want to remains friend forever,he want to be with me as a friend only(living together),when i'm not around(overseas) he call me everyday and get very upset if i do not answer his calls!,very confusing!.He told me that he does not love me anylonger and does not want to have sex with me or anyone but he want to live as best friend !<br />
His son is leaving at home(Sydney)and we live in another country(his job),he want me to go and get his son(17 yrs old)to stay with us here,but i do not want as his son has allready suffer a lot with his alcoholic mother.I love his son too much to expose him to his father's behaviour,he said that he will stop drinking,but i do not believe him.<br />
At the moment he is suffering of stomac aches and he does not digest food at all.<br />
He drinks everyday at least 12 beers and half a bottle of rum other days or both!<br />
I need help,SOS!<br />
Best of luck to you all!

you just his trashcan....run,run,run
never,ever let a men be abusive..he has no right..
leave fast and don't turn around...
hope the best for you...

My husband is so hot and has a good great job. I am leaving after 11years. Last nite he hit me for the last time. Told him to kill me if that was he wanted to do but I wont be afraid anymore. Spoke to my 7 year old about leaving daddy and she said would be ok if he came to visit. don't want to hurt her but got to save myselve.

I wish my husband would die too. I feel so dead inside. Sometimes I have hope and I think things might get better, but then he gets drunk. We are building a new house. My daughter and I want to live there so bad, but not with him. I am waiting until it is finished and the next time he comes home I am presenting him with a restraining order. He has passed out while he was cooking and is careless with his guns. Actually I fear he'll end up killing me or my daughter because he's drunk. I feel what you ladies feel. I just hope my daughter hasn't been damaged by this. She hates her dad too. I don't see why I should be the one to get out. He's the one that needs to suffer for his stupid behavior.

Oh my ... that is so sad, that so many of us are in the same situation. I love my husband when he is sober, and I hate him when he is drunk. He is verbally abusive, and makes me feel bad. In the beginning of our marriage I thought I was doing something wrong, and that the problem was me. I now know that there is nothing wrong with me! It is him. He needs to change, like he promised me many, many times. I lost trust in him. One day, he went to pick up my son from school drunk. Thank God that the teacher did not let him. The director called me to inform what happened. What a shame. I never felt so embarrassed for a person. I felt bad for my son. He loves his dad so much. I want to leave him, but in addition of not being financially independent (even though I work, I don't make enough money to support me and my son), my son loves his dad. They are best friends. But I know for how long I can leave like this. We have everything to be happy together, and we are when he is sober. And what he drinks is a nightmare. I don't know what I am going to do. I am ashamed to talk to my friends about it. I feel so lost and lonely...

don't you ever be ashamed..it's not you who is doing
this...IT'S HIM...and never keep it a secret
people can know and they do know..they not blind...

Don't forget that you are eligible for child support from him! Just because it's you leaving him doesn't mean you don't get it, just be sure to write down all the instances of his drinking and abuse, date them and go into as much detail as possible for each incident. You are not expected to stay in situations that put you and your child in danger and he will financially have to assist in the raising of your son, even if you are no longer together.

Hi, it really is horrible living with a drunk. I have been married for 6 years now and my husband always loved to get drunk every now and then, but I thought he was just young and single, but I was wrong, as he's been drinking more and more and is also abusive, verbally, calls me names, shouts, swears at me in front of the children and he hit and kicked me a few times, too in front of them! I have been planning to divorce him for years now, but my confidence after years of abuse has gone and I am scared, too. I even went to a solicitor and have all the papers ready, but told him to wait for me to put some money together, as my husband threatens me that he will not give me anything or just a bare minimum...I know I need to leave him, I resent him now and can't bear him, I wish he didn't come back one day after 10 hrs in the pub. And when I tell him off, he gets so nasty and threatens to move back to his mummy, but he never does. He thinks it's normal what he's doing. It's been years since he last sat down with me watched telly or so at home, he's either in a pub, asleep or working. I can't rely on him to look after the children, so I can go out occassionally. And emotionally, my solicitor called his behaviour as an emotional cruelty. So good luck to all of us and hopefully soon I will be brave enough to start the divorce proceedings and then set myself free, as when he's not at home, we have such a lovely time with the children, peaceful and harmonious...

I have just spent quite some time reading over all these posts and my emotions and thoughts are more chaotic. My husband is a drunk and I do wish his death to come super early, I m really close to getting life insurance because I think it could be a winner. But I also love my sober husband, I just miss him most of the time, I feel as though my best friend is leaving me more and more everyday. I too have become isolated, not sure how it happened. I have anxiety and depression that I seem to be keeping in reasonable condition, although suicide does peek its head often. We have been together 7 years, we have 4 children 1, 3, 4 and 7. I think of leaving AGAIN and just feel more exhausted, staying doesnt seem so bad as he doesnt hurt me or the kids, he can be an OK drunk if I dont say anything to upset him, which is hard the more drunk he gets, which I best say nothing at all because anything could tip him. We are supposed to have a 7 night stay on the Great Barrier Reef for our 5th wedding aniversary and it is looking more like I will be taking the 2 older kids as he would prefer to stay home and drink, and quite frankly I would prefer it! We seperated before for 1.5 years, I cant remember why I come back, I had a newborn and was studying and I think I thought it would be fine. I still dont know which is better, maybe if I wait till the kids are older, at least all at school? I dont know? I do like the idea of a group of women with these issues, leaving it all and living off the land to raise our beautiful children. Take care all of you wonderful women, I will prey for each and every one of you!

Tonight I had enough of my husbands drinking, got on the computer and found all of you. I am so drained from this life I am living.I have 2 children 15 and 18 my 18 year old is autistic my husband has nothing to do with him or my other son either. He drinks every night it's gross he sits on the couch with his head hanging telling me he's TIRED had a long day are you kidding me. I have all of the responsibilites of the children,house, yard work. he works full time at a job he's held for 22 years like that's a reason for him to drink every day. I told him no more booze in the house so what does he do? He leaves it in the garage and goes out there 4 to 5 times a night to make a drink it's so sickining, He lies, hides package store recipts, hides shots, I cant take it anymore I have asked him many times to leave he wont. He gets up the next morning like everything is just fine. I feel like I am going to have a breakdown he's draining the life out of me and I have no finanical means to be able to leave. I had a great job working in the school system in special education but it became to much having a autistic son at home I felt I was not giving him my all since I was dealing with the same issues at work. As I am writing this to all of you my husband is passed out on the couch. What did we do to deserve this? How do we get out? There has to be a way out.

I was wondering if u ever left im trying to figure this out myself i have been married for 7 years and am only 24 i just gave birth to our second child and nothing ever changes he goes to work and comes home half drunk everyday and once he is drunk he is so mean always saying im worthless and a **** and dont do anything 3 days after i gave birth he told me i need to lose weight or he will replace me he is never mean to our kids thank god just me i dont know what i did or why he hates me so much i clean everything everyday i cook everyday what am i doing wrong i just dont know what to do i want to leave so bad but i have nothing no money no car no friends or family my life seems so ruined and lonely after he is mean for a while he finally passes out and either gets up and ****** on the floor or in our bed almost everynight i tell him im leaving but im just a joke to him he knows im trapped does anyone have suggestions i need help

You are so young leave now. He probably likes that you have no car, no money, or friends. He's degrading you to make you feel that you have to depend on him knowing you have no means to go anywhere. Call your local social services to see if they can help you with housing. That's what I'm going to do. Don't wait for him stand up now. Please don't be like me and spend 20 years in this HELL.

If you have kids I read that most alcoholic fathers will sexually molest their kids and that the wife will put her self as a bait a lot of time for the molestation no to take place, I know it is hard specially because at some point this abuse have got you drained and you feel that you do not have the energy to fight it anymore but you need to detach your self emotionally from this man and then light will come to you and leave him. that is all what you need detachment from him, he will never change I do not believe in rehabilitation for this people, it does not exist they are far gone, there is not point of return. maybe one case in a million, they will always go back to drugs and alcohol, there is not cure for that they are dead, run as fast and far as you can.

hate my drunken husband

my husband is a drunk too10 years now, sick of it if I had money I would leave today. I can't stand the sight of him he reuses cigarettes is 60 lbs over weight sleeps AND SMELLS BAD