So, here's the thing. My hubby really shouldn't have ended up an alcoholic. No one in his birth family is nor in his adoptive family. I think what really screwed him up was being raised in a white trash culture that was notorious for being some of the worst chronic alcoholism in the country (rural Northern MN--I'm not exaggerating). It really hit him hard and by the time he was in his 30s he had lost his license to DUIs, his first wife; he got into a drunken altercation in which he nearly died and did some jail time over his drinking problem.
When I first met him he was a giant mess but he was (and is) also one of the absolutely most intelligent people I have ever met (and I'm from a major city so I've worked with hundreds). When he was younger he had won (and squandered) a full scholarship to a pretty good college. When I knew how damaged he was, I would never have had anything further to do with him except for the fact that he was so interesting, cultured and well-read.
In the years that followed, he actually pulled himself somewhat out of his mess. He became more civil, drank less, graduated from college, worked full-time and got into a good graduate school and currently is a teaching assistant, as well as working on his graduate degree. After going through some good and pretty bad times we recently got married (we have a 4 year old together). To attend his new school we moved faaarrrr away from MN which I think was good because his former environment sucked so much. (I cannot emphasize that enough).
I think in the back on my mind I was hoping that the drinking might take a back seat to his studies. He cares about his studies and he's also a really dedicated teaching assistant. However, I also figured college life includes drinking and, sure enough, he's now out drinking with his associates 1 or 2 nights a week. He's had it "under control" enough that it hasn't affected his school life yet but I'm concerned that it will come to that.
Tonight, he showed some truly questionable behavior (could have been arrested for indecent exposure at a party before I stopped him) after he spent the last three days drinking (two of those with colleagues from his class while out on a working event). I have been thinking of telling his associates that he does have an alcohol problem and not to indulge it but then I'm sure to anger him and make everyone else uncomfortable. (I have been trying to get him to AA but he thinks he is "not a loser like the others there". He also tells me that they are "jealous" of him because he can drink in moderation and they can't--which is delusional on his part, of course).
I'm almost to the point that I would leave but we have a child who loves both of us. In addition, our families like us and I think my in-laws are pretty neat people. I like our new area very much and could see this as our home.
Honestly, the odds are against him getting better. Like all alcoholics everything is secondary to alcohol. He cannot imagine a life in which he cannot ever drink again. I don't feel like going into the swamp we were once in and I don't want to throw in more time if it's going to go bad. When we discuss this he reminds me that he's accomplished a lot and that he's (overall) gotten better. And that's true so, I don't know what to do.