I'm Scared To Leave My Husband! Help!
I would like to start from the beginning. My husband and I met in High School when we were 17 we hit it off and started dating. I was kicked out of my house right after I turned 18 and his family took me in. At this point we had only been dating for a couple months. After moving in with them it was like a whirlwind for us, a few months after moving in with his family we moved out into our own place, then I found out I was pregnant with our first child so we got married. We felt as if we just went along for the ride and not that we really wanted it, this is something that we both have discussed on many occasions. After getting our own place our relationship became very hostile, we fight all the time. There really is not a day that goes by that we do not argue or call each other names. We now have two children together a 7 year old and a 19 month old. And I have been having an affair! It first happened two years ago when my husband was out of state and we were fighting as usual. I guess I gave up and wanted a night to loose it. I really have no explanation except I was off my rocker and alcohol was involved. When I woke up the morning after I expected to feel an insane amount of guilt but I didn’t? I didn’t do it again until about January 2010. I ran into the same man (Mark) that it happened with a couple years before and we started to become better friends. We talked and went for coffee together just a normal friendship. This person is a friend of many of my friends so he was around a lot when we all got together. All of a sudden one of my close girl friends was purposely getting us together all the time. He and I started to realize how attracted we were to each other. We again got together and slept with each other. It turned into an escape for me, even thou I never thought it would become anything more then that. I kept validating it, using the excuse to myself that this was a way to get through my bad marriage for my children. That Mark offered me a way to have a fantasy without strings attached and that no one would get hurt as long as it was our secret. I was so wrong! I feel in love with a man that is not my husband. I want to spend every moment with him and he feels the same. It is still a rocky relationship not just for obvious reasons, but also because we are both scared of what we feel for each other. I have told myself for so long that even though Steve (my husband) and I had a bad marriage the love that we had for each other was enough to get us through until our children are old enough to handle the effects a divorce will have on them. I’m not sure now. And Steve knows that something is going on. About 4 months ago Mark sent me a text message “what’s up babe?” Steve is the one who read it first I ended up telling him in the end that it was Mark and that we were just friends (he is one of those guys that tends to call his female friends names like that so I thought it would fly). Steve chose to believe me and told me I was no longer able to talk to or see Mark again. So I am constantly seeking around just to see him. Steve knows I think that there is still something going on but instead of addressing it he is mostly ignoring it, except when we fight he makes remarks about me still seeing him. I know that I should most likely leave my husband no matter what is going to happen between Mark and I but I’m scared… I have never really been alone and I have never trusted someone with my heart except my husband for over nine years. I am also terrified that after I leave my husband I will realize that I don’t love Mark, that it was just an allusion that I created in my mind to OK what I am doing and give me a reason to leave my husband… I am mostly scared that I will leave my husband, go through a long and horrible divorce, and put my children through hell just to have Mark decide when its all done that he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m scared, confused, lost. What should I do?