I'm Scared To Leave My Husband! Help!

I would like to start from the beginning. My husband and I met in High School when we were 17 we hit it off and started dating. I was kicked out of my house right after I turned 18 and his family took me in. At this point we had only been dating for a couple months. After moving in with them it was like a whirlwind for us, a few months after moving in with his family we moved out into our own place, then I found out I was pregnant with our first child so we got married. We felt as if we just went along for the ride and not that we really wanted it, this is something that we both have discussed on many occasions. After getting our own place our relationship became very hostile, we fight all the time. There really is not a day that goes by that we do not argue or call each other names. We now have two children together a 7 year old and a 19 month old. And I have been having an affair! It first happened two years ago when my husband was out of state and we were fighting as usual. I guess I gave up and wanted a night to loose it. I really have no explanation except I was off my rocker and alcohol was involved. When I woke up the morning after I expected to feel an insane amount of guilt but I didn’t? I didn’t do it again until about January 2010. I ran into the same man (Mark) that it happened with a couple years before and we started to become better friends. We talked and went for coffee together just a normal friendship. This person is a friend of many of my friends so he was around a lot when we all got together. All of a sudden one of my close girl friends was purposely getting us together all the time. He and I started to realize how attracted we were to each other. We again got together and slept with each other. It turned into an escape for me, even thou I never thought it would become anything more then that. I kept validating it, using the excuse to myself that this was a way to get through my bad marriage for my children. That Mark offered me a way to have a fantasy without strings attached and that no one would get hurt as long as it was our secret. I was so wrong! I feel in love with a man that is not my husband. I want to spend every moment with him and he feels the same. It is still a rocky relationship not just for obvious reasons, but also because we are both scared of what we feel for each other. I have told myself for so long that even though Steve (my husband) and I had a bad marriage the love that we had for each other was enough to get us through until our children are old enough to handle the effects a divorce will have on them. I’m not sure now. And Steve knows that something is going on. About 4 months ago Mark sent me a text message “what’s up babe?” Steve is the one who read it first I ended up telling him in the end that it was Mark and that we were just friends (he is one of those guys that tends to call his female friends names like that so I thought it would fly). Steve chose to believe me and told me I was no longer able to talk to or see Mark again. So I am constantly seeking around just to see him. Steve knows I think that there is still something going on but instead of addressing it he is mostly ignoring it, except when we fight he makes remarks about me still seeing him. I know that I should most likely leave my husband no matter what is going to happen between Mark and I but I’m scared… I have never really been alone and I have never trusted someone with my heart except my husband for over nine years. I am also terrified that after I leave my husband I will realize that I don’t love Mark, that it was just an allusion that I created in my mind to OK what I am doing and give me a reason to leave my husband… I am mostly scared that I will leave my husband, go through a long and horrible divorce, and put my children through hell just to have Mark decide when its all done that he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m scared, confused, lost. What should I do?
26-30, F
6 Responses Nov 11, 2010

I would say either seek couseling or seperate. Don't tell him about the affair because it will crush him. But please don't jump into the arms of another man. If you move out...move out into your own place not his. You should just date him and see where it goes. We all know living with someone and dating them are two different things. When we have affairs our vision is clouded and we don't make the right choices. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. But all these decisions are easier said than done. The longer you wait....the closer your husband is to finding out you are cheating which is far more devastating than you making the decision to leave. Good luck.

I am in the same boat as you too. I have a friend and no strings attatched. We have been together only once and alcohol was involved. Mostly to loosen both pf us up since we are both very shy. We knew what we were doing and didn't care. I still talk to him even though it has been months since we hooked up. We were friends before and still are friends. We just try to avoid each other it seems like since he is also friends with my husband, and his parents are our neighbors. We are trying to be careful so that no one catches on to what is going on. <br />
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I also know it was wrong ans still is wrong to be contacting each other with means of hooking up again in the future, but honestly I don't care. I wish my husband would find someone on the side too.

I am in the exact same boat as you, minus the children part. I am married only three months to someone i've been with for 6 years. I fell MADLY in love with another man and I am literally breaking down over it. this man is my soulmate and that fact that my marriage is holding me back from being happy with the love of my life is tearing me apart. i realize I am wrong in numerous ways for what I am doing. I don't know what to do, this is by far the most agonizing experience ever. We should really exchange screenames or something and talk. I really know how you feel, I'm so scared too.

My email is joesmommie102903@hotmail.com

gungon has obviously had something like this done to them, to be so angry and insulting.<br />
unfortunately when there is one in the relationship that can feel or see all the warning signs that something is wrong in the relationship and chooses to ignore them or address them, then they are just as guilty. Relationships take a lot of work and if both parties aren't working together to improve things and make things better then ***** going to happen (unfortunately and not saying I agree with your actions or decisions regarding this 3rd party)<br />
Obviously there is somethings missing in the relationship and its sounds like you have 2 choices...either 1. talk to your hubby, tell him that your unhappy(its obvious that your hubby is unhappy also) and that you want the 2 of you to work through it to make things good for both of you or 2. you leave (but you can't leave one relationship and into another and hope that this new relationship will provide you with the security and support that you think you need. You have to find your own independance and stand on your own 2 feet. You cant rely on your partners to give that to you. Scary but True. Good Luck and hope it all works out for the best of all concerned.

b!tch u a self centered ho maby instead of thinking about yourself you should think about what the right thing to do is. your reasons for staying with your husband dont seem to have anything to do wit emotions it seems like your looking at everything in an extreamly practical way dat sh1ts juss coldyour probably not capable of loving any one you G-d dam emotional vampire

Wow you got your self into in big mess huh. You sound exactly like my old girl of about the same time fr<x>ame too. She did all the same things you are. She decided the grass would be greener on the other side and left, but about a year to a year and half she was calling crying wanting to fix things. That was when I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Because I loved her very much even though she broke my heart, even to this day I always will care for her. But when it came down to it I didn't try to get back together with her not because I didn't want to, but I thought there was no telling if she would do this to me all over again down the road. If I had some way of knowing for sure I would have took her back I was even dating someone at the time. sometimes I wonder what life would be like now, but guess Ill never know. THIS IS SOMETHING YOU BETTER REALLY THINK LONG AND HARD ABOUT FOR ALL THE REASONS YOU STATED.