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I Feel So Guilty....

I am very new here and I love this place already..........NO JUDGEMENTS!  So here is a quick run down of my situation and why I feel so guilty.  I met my husband in high school.  We got married 9 years later.  We have 2 beautiful boys.  We have had an extremely bumpy ride in this marriage.  So in the past 1 1/2 months, my husband has been trying to get our marriage in order by going to church and studying the bible.  Great right?!  No.  He is playing games.  He knows that I was raised going to church.  He has recently been telling me that I need to be more submissive to him and that I am not showing him enough love and affection.  He tells me that I am going to go to hell if I leave him cause God put us together and I would be in the wrong if I went against God.  I have been trying to go back to school since I graduated high school and every time I get enrolled (with my husband's support) he completely does a 360 and says "No I don't think you need to go back to school right now cause we need money and you need to go to work!"  So yesterday I said "Listen I want to go back to school to have SOMETHING under my belt or have a brighter future."  He told me "Well I think God is telling you that it is not in His plan for you to go to school.  You just need to stop trying and just lay low.  Let a great job fall into your lap."  I was like whoa!!!  I am not that type of person.  I am a go getter and because of my ways, he is telling me that I am being too stubborn.  Honestly, I have tried leaving him sooooo many times but I keep coming back because he uses the kids.  He made my 6 year old son cry and beg me to come back to daddy because my son's heart was breaking!  I have always believed that you should never use the kids like that even though they are very observant of our situation.  I want to leave soooo bad and get my life on track again but he keeps throwing God in my face and making me feel bad. On the outside looking in, people would think that "oh he is not doing anything but living for God and his family, go fishing, plays with the kids...so what's so bad?!" I swear it is not like that!!  He says to me "if you want to get a marriage counselor then lets get one BUT only if you do not tell them what's wrong cause we can fix it ourselves."  I can't do it anymore seriously.  I wish he would just go or I wish I could just go but my guilty heart makes me stay because I feel like I am doing wrong by wanting this and wanting to take the kids and get my life back.  I am so tired of crying and I need help please!!!!!!!!

rainbows6 rainbows6 26-30, F Apr 29, 2010

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