Emptyheart

Hello.  I have been married to my husband 8 years, together for 13.  We have a 3 year old beautiful little girl.  But I have come to the point in my marriage where I want to leave him.  We started out very happy together, we met in college, moved to the coast together, ended up working for the same company etc.  We were inseparable and very much in love.  About 6 years ago we moved back to our home town.  Since that time our relationship has slowly desolved.  With the worst being over the course of the last 4 years.  My husband injured himself at work, subsequently had 2 back surgeries and developed an addiction to pain killers.  This all happened while I was pregnant with our daughter.  What was to be an jubulent time of our lives...was instead filled with lies and deceate.  He finally agreed to go through a treatment program and was also prescribed anti-depressents.  He was able to finally pull himself together for the last month of my pregnancy.  After my daughter was born, I acquired a hospital-born infection and spent an additional 2 weeks in the hospital while he was home with our newborn.  I was finally released and thrilled to be able to start our lives as a happy family together.  That wasnt to be.  About 3 months later, his mother was diagnosed with cancer and died within the year.  My husband is an only child and the death of his mother had a tremendous affect on him.  He felt he had no one to lean on for support during that time.  Instead he turned to pills and alcohol once again.   I was unaware of this, as he has become very good at hiding everything from me.  This past Fall, he had been acting just generally nasty to me.  I new something was up.  Then one day my daughter pointed to what turned out to be a cocaine straw under my table.  Worst moment of my life.  I cannot begin to explain the feelings that were inside me.  I could not believe he put my daughters life in jeopordy.  And of course his own.  He again went into rehab.  After 6 weeks, he said he was done with rehab and was fine.  It was xmas and he wanted to just spend time with the family.  Instead, he drank uncontrollably and pretty much ruined the holiday for us.  The day after Christmas, I kicked him out of our house.  He cried at first but then became angry and said I made him this way.  All my years of being bitchy to him have made him act like this.  Sure buddy. 
So, after about 4 days and lengthy discussions with him and my parents and his father, I let him back in the house.  He promised he would never screw up again.  I told him if he did, he was gone.  Forever. 
For the first few months after that things were actually good, I thought maybe we could get over all of this and try to mend our marriage.  But unfortunately, the fighting hasnt stopped.  We of course, do not argue in front of our daughter, but I am sure she can sense our tension with eachother.   He says I am an angry B----- and I think he is an inconsiderate, unappreciative a**h****.   All he has to do every day is get up and go to work.  I take our daughter to daycare and pick her up everyday, pay all of our bills, schedule anything with our daughters and our schedules, do all the grocery shopping, laundry and clean the house.  And I work full time.  So this past week, when it was my birthday and mothers day and he did nothing for either of them besides send me a text message.  A text message!!  I realized that I am done.  He has hurt me beyond belief while in the process of hurting himself.  And now he hates me so much that he cant even acknowledge me. 
Its weird because when I read what I wrote, I picture someone completely different writing that.  It blows my mind that I put up with that behaviour.  I come from an affluent family, I have a good education and career and when I realize that I am still with him...I just feel so stupid.  If my friend was going through this I would have told her to leave him long ago.  But its hard now with a child. I love her and want her to have a good life.  I dont want her parents to be divorced. I just dont know what to do.
BostonFinancial BostonFinancial
36-40
May 14, 2012