I Want To Leave But I Can'tI have been wanting to leave my husband off and on for several years now. But in the past moth, I have been feeling an urgency to leave, like I need to get out fast. I love him very much, we have been married 11 years and have two daughters, 9 and 10. But I have just realized that things are not going to change and I am stuck in this marriage. I don't want to take my kids away from their dad. But I am not happy and I want out.
He has treated my pretty mean in the past and used to be verbally abusive, and he cheated on me three years ago. Then I threatened to leave and then he was sincerely apologetic and has been really nice since then and has stopped the verbal abuse. But he has smoked pot daily the whole time I have known him. When we got married, I thought he had quit, but then on our honeymoon I realized that he had never quit. We are always behind on our bills and he keeps borrowing money from credit cards. Even after we filed for bankruptcy and had a foreclosure two years ago. I wish I had left back then.
Then this week I told him that I wanted to leave. My plan is to leave and move back to my parents house in a different state that is 700 miles away. He said that I am cruel to my children for taking them away from him. He is a really good dad and spends time with them and loves them to the moon. Then I felt guilty for wanting to leave so I stayed. I am such a people pleaser that I don't want to hurt him, so I stay. Then I felt like I loved him so much. That lasted for about 24 hours and now I want to leave again.
I feel like the biggest fool. My life is a big joke and I am not strong enough to leave. I feel so weak and such a pushover. I feel so trapped and I cannot get out of this marriage. I want to give up trying to create a better life for myself because I know I will never leave.
I wish somebody would come over to my house and take me and my kids away because I cannot do it on my own.
sunnymc 36-40, F 2 Responses 3 Jul 21, 2012