I Want To Leave But I Can't

I have been wanting to leave my husband off and on for several years now. But in the past moth, I have been feeling an urgency to leave, like I need to get out fast. I love him very much, we have been married 11 years and have two daughters, 9 and 10. But I have just realized that things are not going to change and I am stuck in this marriage. I don't want to take my kids away from their dad. But I am not happy and I want out.

He has treated my pretty mean in the past and used to be verbally abusive, and he cheated on me three years ago. Then I threatened to leave and then he was sincerely apologetic and has been really nice since then and has stopped the verbal abuse. But he has smoked pot daily the whole time I have known him. When we got married, I thought he had quit, but then on our honeymoon I realized that he had never quit. We are always behind on our bills and he keeps borrowing money from credit cards. Even after we filed for bankruptcy and had a foreclosure two years ago. I wish I had left back then.

Then this week I told him that I wanted to leave. My plan is to leave and move back to my parents house in a different state that is 700 miles away. He said that I am cruel to my children for taking them away from him. He is a really good dad and spends time with them and loves them to the moon. Then I felt guilty for wanting to leave so I stayed. I am such a people pleaser that I don't want to hurt him, so I stay. Then I felt like I loved him so much. That lasted for about 24 hours and now I want to leave again.

I feel like the biggest fool. My life is a big joke and I am not strong enough to leave. I feel so weak and such a pushover. I feel so trapped and I cannot get out of this marriage. I want to give up trying to create a better life for myself because I know I will never leave.

I wish somebody would come over to my house and take me and my kids away because I cannot do it on my own.
sunnymc sunnymc
36-40, F
3 Responses Jul 21, 2012

I totally get this.., it is me now (although I can honestly say I'm not in love with my husband any more). I would love to know what happened in the past two years?

I totally relate to your story and I cant thank u enough for sharing it!!!!!! I want to leave my husband more than words can say but there's just sooo much fear inside of me!!! Ive been with him 12 years and we have 2 beautiful smart children. But even though i know in my heart,my soul,that me and the kids would be much better off without him..I still feel paralyzed with fear when i think of really doing it. I just wish I could pick up one day and go away and never have to look back!!! I've triedd to leave before but due to financial problems i had to come back! he know that he has me ....and that makes my skin crawl! we havent even made love in over 4 yrs!! I pray for courage for the both of us.Until then God bless you and your children.Gotta go play "happy housewife!!""

I know it's so hard once a child (or children) are involved but don't not go because you're scared to make it on ur own. Esp if u have family that can help u'll be fine. Just remember that ur daughters are watching how mom lets a man treat her and will accept the same in their life. He might respect u more if u leave too. Now, he's called ur bluff (sounds like few times) and doesn't feel like really has to step up...u won't leave anyway so why bother right. I truly know tho, easier said than done. Am in similar boat only trying to get him to leave my home..if was other way around I'd have been gone ages ago. And if he had cheated on me - better believe it! The only man that will rescue u is someone similar (to current hubby). Have to get urself to a good place and then a man that matches that will come along....but something u have to do for urself first. He can still be a good dad to ur girls but they need to see a woman/mom who stands up for herself so that one day, if need b, they do the same. Was people pleaser too. But once I learned to say no, how easy it really was and how good felt to take power bk, no problem now :) Good luck!

So how did you get him to leave?

@lostgypsie Things came to a head last August. Because things so tense needed just to get him out of the house so I could think; since wouldn't move out told him he needed to go away for awhile, wk, 2 wks whatever. And he did (hard to argue with wife approved, no kids, fun times holiday with old pals). It was the break we desperately needed. He had time to think while away and realized he was being an ***; needed to change asap or lose his family. And he has. Been a long road back but better since then. Will it stay good? No idea but we'll see. So he didn't leave in the end. Got away from each other enough to shake it off and smarten up. We're best friends, good partners...so there's still a lot to work with. The 'lover' side of relationship has been damaged tho but recovering with time and continued support and mutual respect. If that hadn't worked tho, it would have been over then as I couldn't and wouldn't take anymore.