Should I Stay Or Should I Go?

My husband and I have been married for almost 6 years, together for 7.

When we first met we had lots of laughs, snuggled on the couch, had a very satisfying sex life and I couldn't imagine not being with him forever.

Once he moved in and we became engaged, things changed. We stopped having sex as frequently as we had been, he'd get drunk several nights a week, and spent 95% of his time on his computer or outside smoking. Looking back I see the red flags and warnings telling me he was/is not for me.

We lost a baby 5 months before our wedding. Once married, he changed jobs a few times, I got laid off, and found a few jobs myself. His drinking became worse and the fights got worse. He never hit me directly but our apartment was destroyed several times and I was hit by flying debris. Looking back, I should have left then.

We bought a house. The drinking and fighting continued. We got pregnant. Our daughter wasn't planned but she also wasn't a total surprise. During the pregnancy, he continued to drink, took unpaid time off, and was generally an ******* causing major stress for me.

When I was 34 weeks pregnant I went for a check-up and was sent to the hospital for high blood pressure. I called him when they told me they were admitting me and sure enough he was drunk and couldn't drive to come to me in the hospital. He hardly came to see me in the hospital because he was at home trying to fix up the nursery because he'd procrastinated the entire pregnancy (March to October!). He was there when our daughter was born and came up to the hospital a lot after she arrived but I don't think it was for me, it was for her. He's a good daddy and loves our baby girl so much. She adores him too.

As for being a husband? He's not who I married. He's not who I imagined spending the rest of my life with. I wonder if there's better for me out there.

He's broken promises. He has a temper, though he never physically harms me the emotional damage is enough that he might as well hit me. (Sometimes I wish he would, maybe that would make it easier to leave.) He's drunk himself stupid, repeatedly. The amount of money he's wasted on booze is astounding, then he has the audacity to complain that we never have money for things that he wants. Duh, cause you wasted it all on booze.

I'm not innocent in all of this but I feel like I've tried so hard for the last 6 years, putting in 110% and getting 20% in return. He has hundreds of projects to do around the house but most weekends he's on his butt playing on his phone or watching TV.

I told him about 6 weeks ago that I want a divorce and he asked me to give him until Christmass to show me that he can/will change. I agreed but all that's changed is that he's not drinking. Projects still aren't done, he's not working the extra hours to make ends meet, he doesn't help with the house work, he's not holding up his end of the agreement with the exception of marriage counseling.

But I'm scared to be a single mom. I'm scared to start over. I'm 28, rather over-weight, and a mom. Who's going to want me? How will I manage on my own? I'd lose my health benefits and my house and my dream of being a stay-at-home-mom would remain a dream indefinitely. I'd almost never have a break. My daughter and I can live with my Grandpa with free room and board...maybe I should go there.

My sister-in-law thinks I should leave him, my friends think I should leave him, my family thinks I should leave him...What do I do?

I feel like I failed somehow. Like I haven't tried hard enough.

shadowspirit84 shadowspirit84
26-30, F
3 Responses Dec 15, 2012

Shadow- Geeze woman, do you know how good you have it. The fact that he even committed to changing when you said you would divorce him, The fact that he stopped drinking and that he is in counceling with you isnt enough? You are expecting a whole lot, change doesnt happen over night. Who gives a crap about the extra projects. Have you asked yourself what you have done to change? No one is perfect. no one.
would you have prefered he agree to the divorce as soon as you mentioned it and abandoned you and your daughter? Dropped you off at your grandpas and let you fend for yourself. The dream of being a stay at home mother, and not having to work for it is unrealistic. My advice is that you let him know how much you appreciate his effors, no butts, just let him know hes doing good.

Hi hope this help, it certainly helped me and a lot of married women. I hope you get this before making any rash decisions. Google: secrets of fascinating womanhood pdf, then download it. I think we fail 2 understand that marriage has different stages, and we can't effectively deal with those stages because of lack of understanding. We give up too easily!!! Please read the book and follow the instructions to the tee, you will see a change in your home, yourself and in your husband. Please give feedback once you've read it. All the best

I think I'll wait til my little one starts school before leaving. It would make working a lot easier. My ideal situation would be an open marriage. He does his thing, I do mine. I don't want a live-in lover ever again. Good luck!