Dont Want to Stay/afraid to Go
i have been married for almost 12 years. my husband is my best friend and takes good care of me. i don't want to be married to my best friend, i want to have a husband. our relationship is summed up in two words, "why bother". he gets mad at me and holds it in, why bother say anything. i live in a sexless marriage and used to try and get him aroused but now it's why bother. i am not appreciated for anything i do (and i don't do much), he says why bother, you are doing what you are supposed to do.
i am bi-polar and am pretty uncapable of taking care of myself for the most part. it was really rough the for about 5 years with my illness. but i have been doing well for almost 2 years and think i could do better if i am on my own. but i am afraid i can't. i am afraid i will get sick again. i am afraid i will be alone forever. i wouldn't wish my life on anyone.
i told him i was leaving and he brought up all my doubts about living on my own. he thinks even if we do split he will end up still taking care of me.
he is my only friend, but i think he is also an enabler and my worst enemy. i put myself on a list for low-income housing, because of my illness i am not capable of working full-time or at a job with any stress. i have a job now and i have kept in for 6 months. a new record and i am doing very well with it.
i am just waiting until i am notified of an opening then i will be forced to make a decision. i hope it is the right one and for the right reasons.