Not Sure If I Can

I have not been in love with my husband for at least 8 years (since about our 2nd year in marriage). I love him, but the love has morphed into a more brotherly-type love. I'm not attracted or connected to him anymore. And we've been in financial crisis for a few years, so that hasn't helped matters. Especially when he is largely responsible for it.

Things have just been really bad for the past few weeks. I've gotten to where I don't even want to be around him. And of course he asked me what was wrong with me. So I told him. I told him that I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I wasn't happy with our marriage and that I hadn't been happy in a very long time.

I had been so dead set that that was it. After that conversation, it was going to be over between us. But to see the look on his face when I told him, it was so completely heartbreaking. He asked me to try to make it work, at least for the next few months not just because he couldn't bear the thought of losing me, but because the thought of not being able to see his son everyday absolutely crushes him.

If I had only one wish in the world, it would be to love him passionately the way I need to love and be loved.  I don't want to break his heart. But I also know that deep down that my feelings aren't going to change. I just can't foresee him being able to make my heart skip a beat when I see him, or feel the wanting to talk to him when he comes home from work. I can't see us having fun on a date or holding each other late into the night. But most of all, I can never see him understanding me.

I'm going to try, as he has asked me. I am truly going to try to put my heart and soul into it, but I am so doubtful. How can 8 years of falling out of love be fixed? How can I bury feelings of resentment that have been building year after year?

But if after several months of trying, and nothing has changed, I have this fear that I am not going to be able to leave him. I have a feeling that I will not be able to break his heart. I will not be able to take his son from him. I am fairly certain that I will continue to live in unhappiness simply because I cannot bear the heartbreak of hurting him this way.

I am so scared of what the future holds. I am scared to still be in this same situation with these same feelings 5 or 10 years down the road. I am scared that I won't be able to do what is right. I am scared for my son's future because neither broken parents nor unhappy parents are healthy for him.

I just don't know what to do. I wish for once the decision could be easy.

infinitedreamer infinitedreamer
26-30, F
68 Responses Apr 24, 2009

I'm going through the same thing and it absolutely sucks... Soo bad it hurts. Me and my husband is only 24 and we've only been married for two years. The sex and intimacy was lacking and we are way too young for that. He is a good man there's nothing negative I can say about him even if I tried to. It just feels like we are roommates and I'm just thinking that if we burn out that fast then I really wasn't in love with this man like I thought i was. I met him after my dad died while we were in training. He was just there at the wrong time. But he was there to cheer me up and to also (I didn't tell him much about him) keep my my mind occupied from my ex lover that fake relationship that failed. Long story short I think I got married on an emotional whim. We are currently seperated due to me cheating with text msgs. He still wants to make it work but I don't know rather to leave or stay. I still love him but I am not in love with him and I just don't want him to be hurt and lonely. That fire just not there with him.. I want to feel good and sexy and satisfied. This marriage has caused me low self esteem and really bad depression that I am currently being treated for. He will still have my upmost respect and love before any other man I met after him but I'm also not looking for any relationship right now either. I just want him to have the love he deserves....

And we also have a beautiful one year baby girl and that makes it that much harder. Literally in tears right now I feel like I don't deserve to ****** be here

I have to admit I have the same problem. I've been with my husband 16 years, legally 9 and I'm beyond unhappy. We have a 13 yr old daughter who's tired of hearing us fight but also don't want us to divide either. Every time we fight he throws up my son to my face and calls him a bastard. He talks to me like ****. In my heart I feel he doesn't love me. He has MS so I feel guilty for wanting to leave him. He blames me for everything, I can't be sick BC he gets very mad. He's a man with no feelings and I told him to leave but he won't. He gets me so upset and then calls me crazy. All he does is try to make me look bad all the time. I really need my life back, my daughter even said to throw him out. But she's like me you feel bad to do that but he's killing me inside. I try hard but doesn't work. Need help desperately.

This is my story!
What did you do?? I'm going through it now.

My husband and I where falling out of love over the corse of 10 years. Becouse of it he cheated on me. It was devastating, I realized I truly love him. I fill back in love with him and he with I. How I did this I read a book called The Love dare. And did everything in it. I went and did the Dare 3 times before he left his mistress, and did everything he could to make things right. It's been 3 years now we are more in love now then we where the day me got married.

What will i do to thank Doctor Atete the great spell caster for the help he rendered to me? how do i appreciate him for helping me get my lover back after 9 years of breakup? this is a testimony i must share because Doctor Atete is a God on earth. My heart is filled with Joy because Meyer the father of my three children is back. He left me 9 years ago for Jessica and said he does not love me any more because we had a fight, though i did all i could to get him back but my effort seems abortive just 4 days ago a friend of mine told me about Doctor Atete who helped her to solve all relationship problems so i decided to contact him also via email. Today i want to let the world know that Doctor Atete's spell is active, he is a man of his word and can be trusted 100% because as i speak now Meyer the father of my three children came back to me yesterday on his knees begging me to forgive and accept him back. Do you need help of any kind then Contact Doctor Atete today via Email: or website: or Whats-app: +2348068784784 or call him: +2348068784784 or +2347056505954

To be honest I have been thinking about the same thing and really do need advice on this. I have been with my fiance for about 5 years. We have never gotten married and I never wanted to. We met online and I moved far away from my hometown for him. Well. For a picture. He was not really what he was in his picture. I met him at the airport and every year since then said things like he needs me. Breaking up with him feels like I would become a horrible person. I love him. But I don't love him in the way I need to love him. He is very negative just like your situation. And plays games like world of Warcraft all the time. It feels like I am raising him. He wont do anything himself. and kept me to be in charge of all the "adult stuff" like paying bills, working. The sex is at a stop. I dont want to have sex with him. Its that simple. I hold this all inside at work and around family and friends. I dont want to disappoint anyone. I really just have no idea what to do. I dont want to break his heart. But I am also loosing my life. 5 years of my life driving him around, making sure he gets to work and school. Like a mother to my fiance. What does someone do? Just breaking up with someone is not easy. Defiantly not when the person is with you for a chunk of your life. I am just so confused and just depressed. something that i hide so well but I know that people see though the mask.

Sorry I just see a lot of people trying to justify affairs or the start of one.

An affair is wrong and is a lie, to everyone, especially oneself. Relationships end and it's difficult to go through that. These are people who are at that crossroads. A successful relationship is not measured in number of years. I see a lot of people wondering if they will live a life of quiet desperation for the rest of their time on earth. Maybe some will choose what they see as the "easy" way out, and start or continue an affair. It may be easier what cost?

In my experience, I did fall in love with another man, but it was a surprise. All of a sudden I was in love with my husband's best friend. Did I act on it? That is the question. No I did not. But it showed me that my relationship with my husband was truly OVER. There are many other fish in the sea, many, many, wonderful people out there. It is not necessary to have an affair.

Wow! I just read this after trying to go to bed but lying there thinking...mind racing...husband in the other room snoring. I am so encouraged. An hour ago I was feeling that I could not leave my husband. would break him. But now I see that it would probably be better to leave now after five years of marriage then waking up after ten years and feeling the same way. He is not a horrible person. ..but is a poor husband to me [which is all that really matters]. I still love him but feelings of resentment grow daily. He is an alcoholic. He is manipulative in how he deals with me....somehow I always end up feeling guilty for expressing my feelings or standing up for myself. He is very critical. More interested in beer and tv than me. We sleep in separate rooms [I sleep in my daughter's bed while he has a king to himself]. I can't talk to him about anything involving emotions. He just doesn't understand. I think he's not a bad guy but I feel so alone. Sex is nonexistent unless I beg for it. I just really want to be by myself with my daughter. I already do EVERYTHING anyway like a single parent. He goes to work, comes home to nap, then we eat dinner and he drinks beer til he is ready to pass out. His idea of a healthy marriage is asking me what I want to watch on TV at night. He thinks he is a hero because he compromised. Lol ugggg I wish I had gotten out long ago. Ironic because he is perfectly happy with our life together. How do you tell someone that you have been supremely unhappy for years? I've tried...but I'm the needy one for wanting more intimacy I guess. Hope I can get a job and get out soon before I go crazy.

Im in a similar situation me and my husband were separated for 1year 1/2 due to the fact that he cheated on me. During that time that we were separated i started talking to an old friend ive known for about 8 years now he knew my situation hes very sweet loving and caring and respects me and we pretty much fell in love. so i decided to file for divorce after 1 year of being separated From my husband and he beged me to go back with, him that he loved me and my daughter and wanted another chance, so for the sake of my daughter and our marrage i decided to give it a try. Me and my husband have been back together for 9 months and i am completely miserable! I am no longer in love with him i find myself thinking about the other man and i do regret getting back with him. Im lost! i dont know what to do, Im in love with another man.

The best advice I got before I left my husband, regarding what is best for the child:

"You live your life as a model for your child. You can draw up something masculine within yourself, and do something difficult that is in the end better for everyone, or, you can show your child how to live as a hostage in an unhealthy relationship."

That hit home to me. I started the process of leaving him within the hour.

i am happy that i and my Ex are back again and he already told me he needs me and wants to stay with me forever. is the greatest!! with his spell all this happened, you can reach him on this number +15036626930
Lisa Rabiye

Hello everyone i know how you all feel, but i want to also tell you in this Forum that you too can have a good relationship because my ex-boyfriend and i also had issues, My Name is Maria ( mariaalejandro26 (at)yahoo. com) i was by my Ex- Boyfriend dumped me 2 months ago after I caught him having an affair with my best friend and i insulted him then we broke up. I want him back in my life but he refuse to have any contact with me. I was so confused and didn’t know what to do, so I visited the INTERNET for help and I saw a testimony of how a Love Psychic help them to get their ex back so I contacted the Love Psychic and explain my problems to him….. He cast a spell for me and assure me that after one week that my ex will return to me and to my greatest surprise after 5days my Pedro Alejandro came knocking on my door and begging for forgiveness. I am so happy that my love is back again and not only that, we are about to get married. Once again thank you Dr. John, you are truly talented and gifted. He is the only answer to any relationship problem. He can be of great help to you and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man contact him through his
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I want to leave my husband not because I don't love him, but because everyday that I am with him, it just makes me feel that I made the wrong decision of getting married and I keep blaming myself for it. He's been my boyfriend eversince we were 13years old, it was very good then, I knew that he love me andso do I, we got married when we turned 25, the first year is hard because we are not actually together I am working abroad and he is here in the Philippines, after a year I went home then that was the only time thta we get to be together, we are nowin our 3rd year but i think I cannot handle his being childish, he is not respecting me and is always uttering words that is deeply hurting my feelings, i really want to leave him because I want to at least leave a little respect for myself, because I am thinking that if I keep on telling myself. My family is what we call the "makaluma" and i witnessed some of my aunts and uncles having big problems but they are not separating only because they are afraid of what people say. I really don't know what to do, I never want to stay in this marriage anymore and keep torturing myself but I also cannot bear the thought of hurting my parents.

I believe...
Relationships ending are not such a bad thing.
That divorce can be handled in such a way that kids can ultimately thrive in the long run.
That when someone is trying to hold onto someone because they desperately love them there is something false in that... something dependent and suffocating.
That the huge feelings of sadness that the other person can have - the begging and non stop crying, is not to be sponged up - it's not something to feel guilty about...
That one person cannot hurt another person, it is their own reaction to events that hurts - and neither can you blame anyone for your feelings of hurt.
That no one should endure a relationship in quiet desperation.
That passion and love is the way of life.
That putting yourself first can have wonderful consequences for those around you feeling the flow of your joy.
That the next relationship may not be perfect or last long either, but that each relationship allows us to grow in our own way...
That it is okay to feel like going and staying.
That it is okay to be confused.
That love is not what you get out of a relationship but what you want to put in, with joy.
That a good relationship offers mutal growth and mutual support.
That no relationship should be an obligation.
That marriage vows are in serious need of rewriting.
That when we feel anxious or depressed our souls are saying, "Listen up!! Something is wrong!"
That if you are living your life in joy, your children will benefit from that. And if you are not, your children will know.
That making a hard decision that is best for everyone will show your children your bravery. They will know that if they ever are stuck in a situation themselves in the future that they can also remove themselves from the situation.

If you are ready to leave your spouse may I give advice that I learned the hard way. Don't tell anyone. I did not realize there was such a huge controversy about "Staying together for the kids" vs "Ripping a family apart"... I told too many people and found out who was for me and against me. Some of my closest friends and family have judged me very harshly. If I had left without telling anyone, and given one simple reason (I fell out of love with him), it would have gone much faster and smoother, although it still would have been very very painful for my husband. I wasn't prepared for his deep pain. I tried to leave my husband for two and a half months and I lost my fire. I wish I had stuck to my guns and not let his tears and begging influence me. And the only reason I knew I should have stuck to my guns was because I FELT IT TO BE WRONG. I knew I was going against my truth. He said he was going to change and he has. I never asked him to change. I accepted our relationship for what it was and I do not hold resentment for all the ways he took advantage of me. I grew in that relationship. And now he is trying so hard and I am being guilted into being with him by him, his family, my family, so many. To top it all off I felt romantic feelings for him for the first time in years. We were intimate and it was mostly good. So far it is nice but it is not the passion that I recently experienced in a very short emotional affair. I know a long term love is different than the infatuation in the beginning of a relationship. But I still feel a disconnect between us despite feelings warmth towards him. I believe that I am ready to take relationships to the next level. I don't think I will be entering a short term relationship next. I want to find someone who shares my spiritual beliefs and is more independent, less attached, able to give me freedom. And on the flip side, I would love to be by myself, making my own choices and having freedom. I do love my husband. He is trying so hard, he is trying to respect me, love me, dote on me. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is. I know there is no right answer but I feel already as if I have failed. That I wasn't brave enough to do it, that I caved in and lost my inertia. I know I have work to do on myself and I can still do that in my relationship with him. It is just the constant questioning and anxiety, sadness and feelings of suffocation, failure and oppression by my family that are so hard to live with. I am often crying or feeling jittery. I am constantly asking the universe for help but I feel as if there are choices that I need to make on my own two feet. Or maybe I am ignoring the gut feelings I should be going wtih because they are too scary. I feel wrong for feeling all these feelings and I wonder if I could not have averted this somehow, or that I should not be so negative regarding how this is playing out or that if I simply focus on loving him and developing my own life everything will turn out okay. I may always regret it, whichever path I take. I know I am not trapped because I could leave at anytime but all the people that know and judge me are making me hold myself captive. I lost my chance when I was brave and motivated and now there is a part of me that does want to see what will happen if I stay. I just don't want to be torn up inside all the time anymore..... This is an old post, I would sure love to hear the progress of what happened to some of you... It is nice to find a thread like this. I feel better knowing I am not the only one. Love to you all.

Thank you for have described my exact situation and feelings. I am still in my marriage and in love with someone else...I feel trapped and hopeless and can't Even figure out which way to look next.

Deanna, I did leave my husband... it is no picnic but I know I am doing the right thing. I hope you find out what is right for you. I wish I had planned it a bit better as it is financially stressful but most of the time I feel good, happy, and relieved. Some of the time I feel scared, remorseful about losing an intact family and doubt, wondering if I made the right decision. But then I think about who I would be making that decision for and I remember that it is not wrong to make a choice for myself. In the end, my son will know that if he is in the same situation he will not be beholden to stay. Good Luck to you, xoxoxoxo

Thank you! I still haven't decided...but just reading these posts has given me some relief...I'm not alone. I think I have decided that I have to stop seeing the other man so that I can see life clearly, but I'm so afraid that I'll settle back in to a comfortable but loveless's so hard. I'm grateful to have found this site.

I did that - I cut off all contact and got some distance... there were a few reasons I did: I didn't want to upset his life AND mine (his was not really at the point mine was), I don't think we would have lasted a few years at the most, even as I was feeling so fulfilled, and I think his presence in my life was more about the wake up call than it was about finding someone who was a better fit for me.... I agree, it's good to get focused on your current relationship to clearly see what it is without an outside disctraction... if you do go ahead with that, trust yourself! From what I hear you saying, it sounds like you wouldn't settle... but maybe that is the scary part! My thoughts go out to you...

Hope this reply finds you smiling. I myself am walking in your shoes. My story a lil different. I have been married 17 years and dated him since middle school, which puts us at 25 years. My only boyfriend and husband. Two children 16 and 13. A great man, husband, provider lots of very good about him. Altho I know 200% I am not in love with him. I am pretending daily and it's killing me. He knows something is wrong and has ask repeatedly but I can't bare to tell him I want out. I just want to be alone find myself find what I need to smile daily. I cry everyday because I'm so sad. Seeing his pain will kill me an make me cave. I know this and then I will feel more trapped. It's not fair to him at this point because he deserves to be happy as well, altho he swears he is. He could have someone love him the true way. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared....

I could have written your reply! I dream about a different life, feeling happy, running away. I cry all the time. I'm crying now. I'm tired of pretending. This sucks!

Caef, finding this thread was of immense solace to me... It was so good to find others who felt the same way I did. I actually did end up leaving my husband just a few days after I made that post... The decision to stay or leave was all muddled up in my head and I couldn't make any decision and was tormented by benefits and costs.. .then my body took over and I had anxiety and insomnia for several nights and then a panic attack when I was with my husband. My body took over and said, Enough!!! And I listened. It was hard to do and I think it would have been a bit better if I had planned it but there was no planning it was all in the moment. One month later now, it's still hard to make the transition but I am looking forward to my future with such zeal! I know everything will turn out okay. I hope you find your truth - staying is not the wrong decision and neither is leaving. Good Luck!

Sobroken I am so sorry to hear you are so scared... I was feeling horribly scared, petrified to stay, terrified to leave. Both options seemed impossible but in the end I chose to leave.... because although it was so scary, it was less painful than staying with my husband for 1, 2, 5, 10 or 20 years. It was really difficult. But I know it was right for me. Your reply does find me smiling, trying to be brave and happy to be making a choice for my freedom. Good luck to you and I hope you can find your smile again too, whatever choice you make....

Aurora, this is so eloquently written, and just what I need to read at this time in my life. I am in the same position. After years of living parallel lives with my husband in a sexless marriage, I have fallen in love with another man. I told my husband that I'm having another relationship, and he is devastated. Crying, angry, paranoid, promising to change. We have a six-year-old daughter; he barely spends time with her as his work schedule is so demanding. I want to move out, get an apartment for me and my daughter. But my husband is so desperate, and I feel so terrible. At the same time, I know that leaving would be the right thing for me, and would show my daughter that we can live in a way that is happy and empowering and independent. It's nice to know that there are other smart women out there experiencing similar things.

I am so glad I found this post. I haven't been in love with my husband for a few years but it was about a month ago when i realized i wanted to leave when i started talking to someone else and i fell for him hard. Today I've started to feel really ****** about wanting to leave and thought about changing my mind with leaving because I know how much it would break his heart. So in hope of finding something that might help me feel better I did a Google search and found this place. I have to say Aurora your post has helped to remind me that my feelings or lack there of are important too and to stop worrying so much about how he will be hurt. I am so glad you guys are here so i can get this off my chest because i can never tell this to anyone i know. The only think i can't decide is when to tell him. I thought about not telling him and just leaving while he is at work so as not to see him begging and pleading because I always end up staying when he does. That also means i should shut off my phone for a few days. Sorry started to ramble there but thank you guys so much you have helped me a lot.

Hi Aurora, I just wanted to thank you because I have been with my husband 14 years, we have been going through a gradual loss of feeling and horrible questioning over the past 5 months. we agreed to a trial separation and it was going horrible wrong, i cut and pasted your "beliefs" which I 100 percent relate to, this is the best wording i found on the internet, and that really helped me/us. My husband made the decision to require a final divorce but your wording made such a difference in switching from hostile and demanding to understanding and caring. I still feel amputated from both my arms but a few days on, we somehow both feel relieved although we were exactly where you were (mostly my losing desire for my husband due to so many years of dealing with external difficult family things). Anyway. I am indebted to you. right now, the divorce is final, I feel terrible but hugely relieved and at peace that at least, I made the right decision. When I falter, I make myself think it is/was unfair for me to be scared of evenings pretending I could enjoy being intimate. I love my husband to bits, we just can't be together and make each other happy. You helped me figure that was ok. Thank you soooooo much. good luck and let me know how you are doing. if you are not happy, LEAVE. it will hurt like HELL but we only have one life, you deserve a roller coaster more than a flat dishonnest or guilt crash into a wall. Thanks...

VYoungzi, Thank you for your kind words... it was just a matter of days after I wrote that out that I hit the final breaking point and decided to separate from my husband. You're right, it did hurt like Hell, and it was so difficult in so many ways, emotionally, physically, financially, and just facing a scary and unknown future. It's been over six months and life is settlilng into the new normal. I still mourn the loss of my intact family and also of the ideas about the future that I had all planned out. I also still mourn the feeling of fulfillment that I had with my "catalyst" player, the man who I secretly fell in love with. I know it would not have worked out for the long term with him and I know his role in my life was just to help me release myself from my unhappy marriage. I am so glad that you are going through an amicable divorce... so many do not. Thankfully I am too, and I am better friends with my ex now than I have been in years. All that wisdom I wrote in my first post came from books and other more experienced people, I just compiled it in one place... so I am happy to be able to be a conduit of that balm to you. All the best to you and to your ex too, change is scary but it is good. :)

Dear Aurora,

I am going through the same experience that you did and your words could not describe better what I am going through right now. I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for the past 4 years. Until recently I told my other half everything that I felt and did not feel. For once I lost all the trust towards him and that I just don't and can not love him. It took him some time to realize the enormity of the situation and now he is offering me the moon and the sun for the fear of loosing me. I feel though as I can not be with him anymore, I don't see a future with him, I don't see any normal relationship that a couple should have. I don't think I will ever have any warm feelings towards. Right now I feel like I start feeling pity towards him and that is the least I want to feel towards him. He is willing to do everything to save the marriage, but I feel the gap between us is too big to fill. I know divorce is a huge step, but your words are so powerful and so true. You said you finally divorced your husband and like a different person. I am glad you had the courage to do that. Life is too short to put on a facade and pretend everything is good.

Aurora, I can't tell you how grateful I am for this message! I see other people tell you that you wrote their life story, but it's mine too! I have been married 18 years, got married very young (I'm 37) and grew totally apart from my husband. I've been praying for someone to talk to that has been through what I am going through. I don't know what to do or where to turn....going to psychologists take too long and they don't know this pain. No friend understands, and I'm so embarrassed about how I feel that I decided not to tell anyone anymore. My problem is that the other emotional affair guy is still there and has been hanging around to see if I'm going to leave for over a year now!! I have been so tortured by this that I have actually caused myself to have a "broken heart syndrome" heart attack! I'm super healthy and no blockages, the doctors were perplexed...I have had two MI's! They say cardiac vasospasm due to emotions. I don't want to die and leave the kids behind because of my broken heart and my inability to make a move, but the harsh reality of leaving would turn my life upside down. and the kicker is that the other guy is so ridiculously unrealistic, he is 14years younger than me!! I feel so stupid but my heart tells me otherwise. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated! ! How could I have done this to my relationship with God and torture myself....that seems bad enough, leaving my family in the dust would seem like more torment than I've already caused myself, but how would I know if I don't try!? Sending love and prayers your way and hoping for the universe/God to pour down the answers I need!

Oh you poor thing, going through such physical difficulties - a heart attack! you were broken hearted indeed! Have you any relief? I hope you found the answers you need... All I can say is listen to your heart... the best decisions are made when you are "out of your mind." Your feelings are the language of your soul and your soul will guide you to joy and happiness. Feel free to message me if you need to talk!

I started going counseling by myself and wanted to asked you if you did the same? I feel like I am pretty sure that I want to divorce my husband, however he begged me for 6 months to show me how much he changed. He cries a lot now, tells me how wrong he was and how much he ignored our relationship. But it was more than that..he emotionally abused me for the past 4 years and every time I tried to reach to him he would shut me down. When I brought the divorce to him, he got really scared and said he can not loose me etc. etc..I told him I do not have any feelings for him and can not stand when he touches me. Also I lost all the trust towards him. Now he is trying to please me and is just a " yes" man no matter what I say. I am afraid I will start pitying him and that's the last thing I want. I feel deep inside me that I won't be able to leave the rest of my life with him..and I know he will be very hurt if I decide to go through with it. I don't have much support here, no friends or it might be very difficult at the beginning. Luckily I am able to support myself. I am not afraid of separating from him..I feel like I found my voice and for once starting thinking about what is good for me. Like other people who replied to your post..I was very inspired by your comments as well. Can you tell a little how long it took your ex-husband to get used to idea that you are divorcing him? Could you give us those still there married unhappily how to go through a divorce and still stay strong. Thank you in advance!

Hello Nancy! Isn't it amazing how similar human experience can be? Your story is so close to mine. I did go to counselling and it was really good for me... I also called a few reputable mediums/psychics and that was extremely powerful too. (Not these spam messages about getting your true love back that come on on these boards!) Once I truly decided firmly that I was leaving and held to my decision it took him a few months to pull himself together. There were a few weeks of agony as we were sleeping in the same bed still with our son, who we co-sleep with. My husband would get up in the middle of the night, weeping and begging me not to leave. Neither of us got much sleep for quite some time. I am lucky that my husband went to a counsellor who reminded him gently, and repeatedly: "And how will you move through this for your son?" Which stopped his incessant crying and firmed him up. He was still devastated but he stopped crying so much in front of our child. It's been about six months now and he still looks pretty sad when I see him sometimes. He goes up and down, sometimes doing very well and sometimes not....
If you decide in your heart that it is best to end your marriage, the strength and bravely does not always feel like you might think it would. I felt scared and like I wanted to throw up most of the time. It was a horrible feeling, I often felt like it was a murder of some kind. It is, in a way, killing the relationship. To stay strong you must think of yourself first. If you have children they are an important second, but they are still second as it will be better for them to see you fulfill your life than live as a hostage. The things that will hurt them in the long term are fighting in front of them and if one parent abandons them. So do neither of those. (Read the Sandcastles divorce book to learn more)
Do not dwell on what others will say about you, because Oh They Will! It's big gossip and they will talk and judge. And lastly, find your peace, your inner guidance, go for walks, talk with God, the Universe, your higher self or if you are atheist, just talk with yourself and commune with nature. Take the time that you need for yourself to make the right choices that will steer you through with less pain and hurt... but it will be painful... it will hurt. Don't fool yourself, this change is big and scary and hard. :)
I often think about it in these terms: What I did, by leaving my husband was not what I wanted. But staying with him, was worse. I hope you and anyone who reads this stays true to their own heart and follows their inner guidance. If it resonates, it's information for you, and if it does not, stay true to yourself!

Thank you for this Aurora. I don't know if you're still on here or how long ago you posted this, but I just had to write back as I feel the same way. Everything you said resonate with me. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. I knew him 8 months and I accepted his proposal. I knew I didn't know him very long and I saw some quirks in his personality that I thought were kinda mean but I didn't listen to myself and told myself that I was always too picky with guys and that I'm getting older, so I accepted his proposal. I did think that I loved him and that not everyone is perfect so I knew we would work our differences out. He has been verbally abusive throughout our relationship, calling me classless, a *****, a pig, and once I had children, he called me a terrible mother. I had post partum after my first baby and he was so unsupportive, telling me that our daughter didn't know that I was her mother, that she thought he was. Fast forward to now and I've pulled myself completely away from him. I am so not attracted to him anymore. I get disgusted when he tried to touch me. I'm happier when he's not home. I wish he would go out with his friends more. And now, he's trying to make things better between us. He doesn't want to lose me and he's being so nice. BUT I AM DONE! I've been depressed for a long time now because I feel hopeless about life. I don't hate him but I don't love him. I don't want to be married anymore. I've been trying to figure out the reason for my being down. He thinks it's because in overwhelmed as a mom, but I know it's because I'm not being true to myself. I know that I should leave him but I feel guilty about breaking up our family. We have two children aged 4 & 5. People keep telling me that I should stick it out because being on my own with 2 children will be difficult, but I feel that life is too short to be unhappy with someone. I believe in love and I believe in life.

GinaMarie, it will be difficult... that is true. I did leave my husband and I found out how hard it was... in so many ways... BUT... I am free! Keep believing in love and life... and listen only to yourself and not anyone else who has no idea what your life is like. I am so sorry to hear of your depression - I hope you can find your way.

You had me until "That one person cannot hurt another person, it is their own reaction to events that hurts - and neither can you blame anyone for your feelings of hurt." Spoken like the one who wants to leave than the one who is being left.

It's a philosophical standpoint... Try the book Conversations With God to get a fuller explanation.

Basically if someone was leaving me - I would not attack them by saying their actions were hurting me. It is the situation that is hurtful, and if I take a different perspective I might see that I need not feel damaged but just feel the pain instead of believing anyone could hurt me, by exercising their inherent right not to have to be my slave or object. Part of the idea is that hurt can be an entitled feeling of self righteousness. Part of the idea is that we can always take whatever pain we have and become something bigger - so why blame someone else for an opportunity for growth?

From the other side, which I experienced, I did not blame my husband for taking advantage of me, yelling at me, judging me, and controlling me. We both contributed to that situation, I by staying for seven years longer than I should have, never sticking up for myself, and allowing him to continually control me. But I refuse to say that he has the power to hurt me, whether I believe he was wrong or right.

So, You may believe it is the right thing to do to stay in an unfulfilling marriage and that is not a bad choice, it would just be your choice. But ultimately no one should blame the other partner for anything that you both created.

Thank you so so much for your post! It has really given me lot of strength, menatally and I that guilt feeling is little less now.. Just so amazed to see how many people are in the same boat as I am. I am not worried about myself but more worried and gulity about leaving my husband who is really good, a very good father but I just don't feel any bonding or connection with him. It was an arraged marriage so I taught myself to love him. But he has been too shy and even after 15+ yrs of marriage he doesn't kiss or hugs me. Even when I tried, he either did not respond back the same way or made an excuse. Whatever little kiss we have at sex time is also kind of incomplete. We never even changed clothes in front of each other. I am a very open minded, loving and affectionate person but he feels that love should be reflected in actions. If one is sincere and faithful that should be good enough. I have felt so lonley and wanted and have desparately wanted someone to hug and kiss me, to feel butterflies in my stomach. I am very good looking and look much younger than my age, get compliments from people all the time, have beautiful kids, a beautiful house and financial stability, yet I am so miserable. Just about an yr ago I started an affair with my first love from childhood. It just happened because I wanted to have all my feelings while I am still young and I feel that my time is running out. All I can say is that I just want to be with him for the rest of my life. He feels the same for me. He is also in a dissatisfying marriage. we both want divorce and want to get together for good. But at the same time don't want our spouces to go thorugh emotional torture. I feel stuck. I have told my husband that i want to be out but he begged me to stay. Now that he wants to change, I don't know if I have any feelings for him. Furthermore, how do you teach someone to kiss? Since it doesn't come naturally to him, I would not like it. I know that he loves me with all his heart but I am just not in love with him. This is very unfortunate. Don't know what I should do. It was my principle that no married person should have an affair unltil he gets a divorce. I just can't believe that I myself did that!

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I am a man and I feel the same way with my weife of 20 years and 5 children later, I no longer in love with her.

Hi there all. I myself unfortunately have been in a similar situation for quite a while now. I have a loving caring husband, but there is not heat or passion between us but those are the things that i need in my life. I do miss our old days when i was happy with him, although i must add i dont think i was ever in love with him. Since he was my first boyfriend (i come from a very strict family), i thought what i felt for him was love but deep down i knew he didnt sweep me off my feet. Anyway. I do want out, so bad. I have brought it up a few times, but for numerous reasons it has not happened yet. We have two children. I cannot see myself going on like this much longer. I cannot simply live an unhappy life only for the sake of the children, as i know they will be just fine since we both love them to death.I was wondering if there is any good solution to this. If there is anyone who left their marriage, how did their turn out to be? Are you happier now, or do you wish you had stayed? Yes, i know, thus is a decision i need to make for myself, but one can always learn from others' experiences.Thank you very much

Hello i am anna ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex love back.I was going crazy when Jean left me for another girl two months ago,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Therapist Oniha the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Therapist Oniha about how Jean left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,jean my love call me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after Jean my love call me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Therapist Oniha at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on and get your problems solve like me

Ladies your not the only ones. I am in the same situation with my wife. 15 years in. It's a hard pill to swallow. Two kids 5&9. I want to leave but too scared. I fight depression because of a broken marriage and I'm afraid it will get worse.

I was married for 13 years and we have a 10 year old autistic daughter with type 1 diabetes. Was very hard to leave my ex husband. I had no income and no where to go and a child that probably wouldn't understand what's going on. I ended up living in someones garage for a year that had been converted to a studio apartment and the family was very good to my daughter and I. I was on wellfare and looking for a job. Even though it sounds horrible, the weight lifted off my shoulders was immense and realized my daughter didn't require a lot of things to be happy she just needed happy parents and love. The quality of attention and love she gets is way better then she had gotten prior. There were many nasty fights with my ex and the whole divorce process was taxing . Has been over 2 years now and we are better friends now then we ever were together. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I love dearly. There is hope ladies its just a matter of taking that huge daunting step...but you and your children will be happier in the long run.

All of you need to quit feeling sorry for yourselfs and take a good look at what you have put in your marriages to keep it alive and no marriage goes without the love leaving at times. Love is a choice. Just admit to yourselfs that you want a single free life that may get you to what you may be missing. Grow up !!!

Hmmm, I think maybe your judgment is a little too harsh if you haven't been in the situation. Sounds exactly what I am going through and when you have spent 8-10 years being hurt and the only one who is trying to fix it that doesn't work! Done everything I can to try and salvage and am going through counseling both separate and together. You can't change the other person. Sometimes people grow apart because of spiritual growth and realization that they need to be treated with higher standards and respect. Once you have come to terms that you deserve that, it is hard to settle with what you have been dealt with for years. I do have a legitimate reason for divorce and have tried to avoid it, but not sure if I can hold back anymore.

Love isnt a choice, unless your a gold digger.

I think that you're quite insensitive I'm making the above statement. Love isn't a choice, in any way. When you hear the phrase that "the heart wants, What the heart wants" that clearly means that any given time you will not be in control of your hearts desire, therefore you can't say love is a choice. I choose and rather love my husband but that's just it...I don't . Whether these ppl want to be single or not, the fact remains that what they are experiencing is real life issues in which they are seeking help , not judgement . Think before you type

First, I find it depressing and disappointing when a fellow human being brings such negative judgement and cruelty to a space where people are being supportive and looking for support. Just seems mean to me. Like you'd have to be fairly unhappy yourself to behave this way.
second…I offer one piece of advice. Be cautious in your judgements. I have been quite judgmental in my life and it frequently happens that I find myself in the exact situation of the person I was judging. I used to roll my eyes at people that said things like "i'm not in love anymore" and "the passion just isn't there." I thought I knew better…love is an action et, al. I've always believed that working hard with the person your with was all that mattered. Now I find myself eating those words. In a situation I never in a million years thought i'd find myself in.

I really agree with you. From the responses I have read so far no one has been mentioning that they went to counseling etc. Seems as though most people was sitting around waiting for the relationship to fix itself.

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I am in the same situation I don't want to be with him anymore but don't want to hurt him because he loves me so much I don't know what to do either and we have been together for 20 years but I'm so unhappy I don't want to carry on any longer and fake the fact that I want to be with him what do we do the reason I have been feeling this way is cause he has said such hurtful words over the years and the verbal abuse can't be handled anymore

All of you. It has to be hard to them but it has to be done. Yes it may hurt but in the long run you and them will both be happy again and with the children.You are all strong and incredible women that no matter what happens you will make it through!

I know the feeling, my husband is great and we don't have any financial problems but he is full of himself that he can't accept any negative thing no matter how small about him + I am pretty sure that I am not in love with him. I hate is when he asks for sex since I never enjoy it. There is absolutely no chemistry from my behalf and I am living with it for 5 years now. I wish I left before we had our daughter. Now no matter how unhappy with him I am I take a look at her and just bite my tongue and act normal. I would do anything for my daughter including staying in this marriage. Live cried so many times and asked for the courage that will get me out. Sometimes I wish that I catch him cheating on me just so that I could leave without guilt!

I wonder what happened to infinitedreamer? I guess I am in a similar position and glad I found this story and replies, at least I know I am not the only person going through this.

I too want to leave my husband, I have met another man who I feel does and will meet my needs (read my story!) but I'm scared of leaving my Husband of nearly 20 years; I feel a ton of guilt, I hate seeing him broken, and I'm so afraid of making a decision I can not turn back on. Additionally I don't want to lose my opportunity with the OM. I am going round and round in circles...........

I am exactly where you are. I understand you perfectly, and have no answers, but to do everything possible to keep everything peaceful.

wow! thank you ladies! just found out I am not bipolar or depressed or a crazy ***** etc...i am actually normal! But I can tell you, if you are young and able to survive financially, go for it! I divorced my first husband after 4 years ; i was 25 with a 3 y and 1 y old children. Made my life my way, an never regretted it! Now , I am on my third hubby ( no 2 died), am 64 and want out! My husband lost his business, all his money and is now on pension. I have to carry him as my pension is higher. He has become a boring old fart! I want out too! and it will happen! soon!

Well since spending time with my Husband and having no contact with the OM - just to make sure, I am beginning to realise I do only see my Husband as a friend. I think the damage is irreparable - he is trying hard in many practical ways but the love has definitely gone on my part. I realise I could actually leave him just for myself (not for the OM), and that I can see myself in a situation alone if need be. I think that was biggest fear using someone to help me escape! I am giving it a bit more time to be certain of my feelings (as they have been so changeable I dont always trust myself) but if it stays this way I will leave my H. And we will see what happens with the OM but I wont rush into anything, Ill take my time and if its meant to be que sera!

I've been unhappily married for 20 years, we dated for 6 months then got married. At first I thought maybe it is because of the distance bcos we were far from each other. After a year when we stayed together in our house, that's where I started blaming myself. He spends his time with friends and comes back home to sleep and drunk. He cheats, and when I complain about that, he says it's culture for a man to have more than one affairs. We do not connect at all. The only time he thinks of me is when he wants us to have sex. I have tried to bottle this thinking that one day he will change, one day he will see that what he is doing is not right. But it hurts and kills me. I moved out of our marriage for 8 months and he called me back saying he needs second chance, but now things are worse. He now sleeps with girls of our daughter's age (she's 19). I want a divorce but I'm scared of his. Bully behaviour. I just don't know what to do.

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

Omg I could've written your post word for word. I'm in exactly the same position right now. I am struggling with telling him I'm not in love with him. It's impossible to find the right time or way.

This is a very old post but I cannot help but add a comment. It is so comforting to know there are other woman who share my feels. All my friends share a loving or at least enjoyable relationship, while mine lacks all of that. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. I believe I never really had. After thinking about our relationship, I feel that the majority of what I thought was love was just excitement of having someone think I was desirable. We married after only a couple of weeks of dating on the year of my 18th birthday a year later I had a daughter. I love my daughter but I now see her birth as a way to tie me to him. He's a great guy, really. We are just don't fit each other. We argue more then we get along, we don't understand each others way of thinking and find different things funny even aft being married for 5 years. After five years I'm really to call it off. I don't find him sexually attractive and I've realized that subconsciously I avoid being alone with him at home. This isn't something I want my now 3 year old to thing is a healthy relationship and would rather go a head a end it now while she's young. I am more then capable of leaving and providing for myself and my daughter. The only issue is the effects it will have mentally on my husbend. He has never been able to keep a long term relationship, has been married 2 before me and feels that it's "his fault". Which in some ways it is. He has a very unhealthy view of the female role in a house and feels its perfectly fine to critic others. When I finally got the courage up to have a conversation about this, he tells me he killed himself in a dream because he had dreamed I left him. What am I suppose to do with that? Now I feel even more trapped and forced to stay then before. What will happen if I were to leave. I'm so stressed I feel I'LL crack!

I know that this was posted over three years ago, but it has resonated so incredibly with me (as have some of the responses below) that I feel compelled to share my own experience.<br />
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I too am considering leaving my husband. I am not in love with him. I'm not even sure that I ever was. I love him, and by that I mean that I have tremendous affection for him, but I'm not in love with him.<br />
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I am not physically attracted to him at all. I dont think I have ever been physically attracted to him. I think in the early days it was just the excitement of something new, and the comfort that someone wanted me that I confused for attraction. Even then physical intimacy was strained because I just didn't feel a connection with him. Now it's so much worse. I hate the thought of sex with him. During the act, I have sometimes become so angry (at who, I don't know...myself for putting us in this situation?) that I have bitten him while kissing and squeezed some sensitive areas hard. It horrifies me that I would do something like that, but it is an almost primal reaction. <br />
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My husband, like so many of the husbands mentioned here, is a nice guy. He hasn't done anything wrong. Neither of us has been unfaithful. I just don't feel the connection with him. And I think he knows it. Before we got married, I felt like something wasn't right, and I actually tried to break it off. But he was so hurt, and I am such a pleaser, when he asked me to try to make it work I did. We pushed on. After a while I foolishly pushed him to get married, thinking that would cement our relationship and it would feel more right. But it didn't. Even as we were saying our vows I didn't feel right.<br />
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That feeling persisted, but I tried hard to overcome it. A couple of years later, I again decided it was time to call it quits. Again he cried and raged and cried some more, and asked me to try to work it out. Again I relented and forged on.<br />
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We began trying to get pregnant shortly after getting married. We had trouble getting pregnant. Getting pregnant became my new focus, and took my attention away from the problems with our marriage. We tried for 4 years, and finally conceived our beautiful twins via IVF. They are now 3.<br />
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I feel terrible guilt because deep down I have always known that we are not right for each other. But I kept pushing forward...pushing him to get married, working so hard at getting pregnant. And now I just feel like I can't do it anymore. <br />
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It doesn't help that we are under tremendous financial strain. We have overspent and are now living paycheque to paycheque. My husband is quite immature and gets angry and shuts down when we talk about reducing our standard of living (one which has been higher than we can afford) to get our finances in line. He feels at this stage in his life he deserves to have what he wants and not have to sacrifice.<br />
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He is also perpetually unhappy at work. He has worked at several different places during our relationship and after a few years he always gets unhappy and wants to leave. It is so stressful, especially when we're under the financial strain we are.<br />
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So here I am, in an 8 year marriage, with two toddlers, and feeling like I need to get out. I know that this will absolutely break his heart. He has very little support system, no close friends living nearby, and I just don't know how he'll cope. But then I think I need to take care of myself first and stop putting his dependency so high in my priorities.<br />
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I don't know what I will do, but I feel so much better to know that I am not alone in this. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

I am only 28 years old.I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years.we have 2 girls together.they are 4 and nearly 2.I have known for years that I should leave.I give way more than I get.he is depressed and drug addicted and I am dying inside a little more everyday.I come from a broken home so I don't want to do that to my girls.yet I also don't want them to think having a family means forsaking joy.I have anxiety and depression which I'm getting treatment for and my relationship adds to my distress.I ended up in hospital with a nervous breakdown three days before my babies first birthday.I am scared of being alone.I'm scared of how he'd treat me if I left him.I'm scared life isn't anywhere near what I always dreamed it would be.I so badly want to leave because surely life isn't meant to be so sad?he has left me down so badly and so often that I'd be surprised if he did something nice for me.I hope u ladies have found some happiness

My feelings are also running in the same stream, I cannot bear the negligence, blaming attitude and fly away thought of my husband . I am married for 7 years and presnet is as same as 1st day of my marriage. He never discusses any thing with me or cares for me, for anything I need to pleade, he takes pride in running the house, and insults me when I don't have a job inspite of me being a Postgraduate and he a school passout. I support him financially since he has a meagre job. I had a forced marriage and it left bitterness with my parents and siblings, I just help them when they need me otherwise they are unresponsive with my life and don't care for me. My husband portrays goody, when I speak to him for not caring me and goes a long way to helpout, care and share time with others especially my family he fights alot with me, we hardly speak 10 sentences in a day, he goes to work early morning and comes back around 8 pm, changes his clothes and goes to my house, when we were living in his town he would go to his siblings, friends house leaving me alone. We hardly stay husband and wife in bed,<br />
but he says he cares for me and loves me but do not show any respect, care or affection. He blames me if I speak out to him of his responsibility and end up with seperation, He never stays with me all the day except for nights just to sleep no intimacy nothing. Though I entered marriage 7 years ago with pain, I gave all the respect and care he needed. days had been the same . We don't have kids but seldom cares to provide the trreatment I needed. I'm not able to live with him from day 1 of my marriage since I didnot have the involvment getting married, but compromised with the life and fought with emotions and financial issues, though he is a nice person he lied to my parents rearding his education and business and got me married, and I do not have the right to question this. days are filled with emptiness not willing to have a uncaring, lonely life.

I dont know what to do, im 22 years old i have a 1 year old daughter, and im not in love with my boyfriend. Its hard ya know, im such a people pleaser and its funny because when i see my situation i know what i have to do but i cant.<br />
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I got pregnant early in our relationship and i decided i didnt want to get married, hes a doctor so i stayed in the same city and he left 1 hour away to start his residency. We never shared the pregnancy so he really knows nothing about it...When i was coming to my due date i quit my job and school to go live with him. The day before i had my daughter i found out that he had cheated on me. He obviously said that it only happened once and that he was really drunk but it really changed my life. I WAS SOOOOOO IN LOVE WITH HIM, so much that i had quit my life to start it over with him. I have tried to get over it and try and work things out for our daughter but im just not in love anymore. <br />
The more i think of our relationship the more depressed it makes me, we kiss once a day when he leaves for work, we are rarely intimate not to mention his *Sexual Problems* but i just cant live like this. I want to love him like i did at first but he broke my heart and my life. <br />
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I want my daughter to grow up with her mom and dad, and i want him to be happy but i know i will never be able to be happy with him anymore. I dont know what to do, im stuck between how i am always and my happiness! I just wish i could build the courage to tell him, i mean he broke my love for him, and theres no way to fix it.

I don't usually post on these sites, but found this and I'm amazed at how many people are in the same boat. I have been unhappy for years. This is my second marriage. I was married at 18 the first time and had 2 children. I divorced when the kids were 1 and 3 because my first husband was mentally emotionally and physically abusive. I met my current husband 3 years later when I was 23. He was a couple of years younger than me and was never around children. He treated my sons like they could do nothing right. I almost left him several times over the years for this reason. 10 years later, he is better with them (only in the last year because they move to their dad's which I also blame him for) but I hold so much resentment for the years he never gave them praise and always yelled at them. He thought he was teaching them but really he was always knocking them down. He is a bully. He is loving to me, as much as he knows how. Although, he does try to control me. He treats me like he is my father and we argue about it often. We have been to 2 marriage counselors. We always quit going because he thinks it doesn't work and it's a waste of money. 3 years ago, the first marriage counselor told me to save money because I would eventually leave and he would treat my daughter the same way once she became an adolescent. I think she was right. We have a daughter together and she is now 8. I can already see the changes in the way he treats her. He's not mean to her but he gets annoyed with her very quickly. When I tell him I'm not happy, he cries and tells me I'm his best friend and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But, that is the only time he shows emotion!! Only when I tell him I want to leave! He isn't affectionate even though he used to be. He says he doesn't know how to show affection and it doesn't come natural. He says I am overreacting or nothing he does is ever good enough, when I tell him I need more. The only time he shows affection is sex. And we're not really sexually compatible. In the beginning, I looked past that. I didn't see the flaws because I was blinded by the great time we had together. We get along like friends most of the time when we're out or alcohol is involved. Everyone always says we have the best relationship. His friend recently told me he wants to find a relationship like ours because we're best friends. Just goes to show, you never know until you're on the inside of a relationship. Nothing is perfect! I would really like to be alone but I do have love for him. I don't want to hurt him. I am just wondering how long I can be unhappy. He makes all of these plans for our future and I feel horrible because I don't see much of a future. I know I will leave one day. I also believe life is too short an I should have the right to be happy!<br />
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I should also probably mention I have had 2 affairs over te years, which were mostly emotional to fill the void. He doesn't know this and I could never tell him or he would probably snap and kill me or someone else. He is very short tempered. But, I still keep in contact with these people when I need the attention, which is really pathetic.<br />
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I just don't understand how someone could be such a bully and treat me like a child most of the time with his controlling behavior, but still love me so much. Most of the time I wonder how he can be so happy this way! When I think I am maybe happy, I really I am lying to myself. I'm trying to talk myself into being happy, hoping it will stick.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years we have a house a dog and a cat, he is a decent guy a good relationship and a steady home and I don’t love him, I know what you are all talking about I wish I could take a pill to make everything back to normal and for a year and a half I told him I wasn’t happy, I walked once before and talked to him 9 times and nothing, he would do anything for me but I simply don’t love him anymore for a variety or reasons a week and a half ago I left, I grabbed a tescos bag of cloths am on my friends floor, and have broken his heart, I have lost 16 pounds in 11 days shake all the time and cant bare the thought of hurting him this way but I will get better! I thought I was strong before but now I know I am, my family and friends are on his side so im on my own, this is the hardest thing I have ever done but guess what the feelings I have more than anything is relief, excitement, and pride that I finally sucked it up and walked, if your unhappy why would you stay?, why would you waste your life? If you had 6 months to live would you stay? Is your life worth that little that your prepared to be unhappy for years? Doesn’t he deserve better than someone putting up with them? How would you feel if your love didn’t love you and stayed out of pity? You have to leave, don’t you want to find someone that gets your blood pumping? Someone that you day dream about instead of dreaming of what it would be like if he died, leave don’t be a mug I have never felt so alone but also strong, it is the hardest thing ive ever done and he keeps crying and begging me to come home but why would I be unhappy again I don’t want to waste my life, those who do not take risks do not drink champagne!!!!

I too am in the same position been with husbabd since i was 18 and for 18 years, I've felt for years like something was missing, my husband suffered a break down 6 years ago and I helped him through it. I've always been the strong one. I've recently met someone else who I feel completes me my husband says I've been cold and we've talked he making all these promises for the future realises all the mistakes he's made and just wants to put things right. I walked out at the weekend after heavy argument and went to stay with parents then visited this other man and ended up sleeping with him. All the time I was away my husband was in bits, said it was the lonelyest time of his life and so wants to put things right. Whilst im sleeping with someone else, i feel so guilty but I just don't want to be here my heart is with the other man,I feel he's my soul mate. I have 2 kids one 12 and one 16 and I just can't bear to tear their and husbands lives apart but i want out. I feel so trapped!!!!!

This site is killing me. I'm glad I found it. But we are all in the same boat here. I am not in love with my nice guy husband. He hasn't cheated. He did drink but he says he's done with it and I do believe him. He did it for our youngest son. I haven't been happy for over 8 years. I focused on my sons and thought it would be enough. Its not. Its truly not. I have one out of the house and one age 15 with 3 more years to go. I honestly thought I could wait til he was older but its just too much. I have told him I want out. Its been an emotional blackmail rollercoaster ever since. I get weak and feel like I won't be able to. Then, I get strong and say I have too. I really don't have a choice. He deserves more and so do I.

I plain just am disgusted by my husband... He is a drunk & goes on meth binges every other month! There are times I feel I love him, but then he reminds me (by his actions) why I can't stand him. I want out & not sure how to do this. I don't even know what holds me back. HELP!

Holy cow! I had no idea so many women felt the same way I do. I, within the past year, have come to new realizations about myself and my life with my husband and 2 beatiful boys and I feel like there is more for me than what I signed up for. The day to day happenings make me feel like I'm not even there...everything feels like a controlled reflex. My husband is great and makes me laugh and loves me dearly and loves the boys fantastically all the rest of you, I just don't think I am in love with him and haven't been for awhile. We've only been together for 5 years and married for 4 but I feel like I stopped loving him about a year and a half ago.<br />
My fears are financial, I haven't been working because I've been staying home with the young children. I also fear being looked down upon by everyone...I'm the one that wants to leave and yet I have no real good reason except selfishly wanting to find happiness. Is that a good enough reason, though? I'm not sure what to do...there are days that the feelings return slightly but then the next few weeks it's all the same doubt, unloving, zombie-like motions to keep the house running and the boys happy. I feel stuck, I feel sad, I feel like I can't does, however, make me feel better to know that i'm not the only one.

I've been searching since last night for a site like this. I've been reading the comments and realise i'm not alone. There also seem's to be a running theme of "nice" husbands which mine is. He is very supportive in everything i want to do and also financially but like many on here i feel nothing. I feel i'm slowing dying inside and don't know who i am anymore. More importantly i feel like i'm betraying WHO i am and my spirit. He think's our life is textbook good. we both work have a lovely son and everyone says how lucky i am to have a husband like mine. But he has no passion for anything, just happy to go to work and come home everyday. It's like groundhog day in my home i can't bear it anymore.<br />
But the thought of leaving my family and being labeled the terrible mother who left her family is something i don't know if i can take. My son is such a daddy's boy and adores him, that for him to stay or go with me just because a child should be with is mother would be wrong. Where to go? what to do? I really don't know but whether it's next week or in 10yrs time i know i will go. But life is so short i really don't want to wait :'-(

Reading everyone stories has made me realize that I am not alone. I have been out of love with my husband for some time now. Being married 12 years and 14 together. <br />
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At one point in my life I knew I needed to leave but then things changed, he started to help out and be more involved. With that being said, I had another child, two altogether, 3 years later, I am feeling as I did then, I NEED TO LEAVE. I cannot love him any more, I have nothing in common with but our two wonderful children. I have informed myself legally and even have a place to go once I leave him, but because we were not talking very much and I was distancing myself from him, he soon realized something was up and would not stop pestering me, until I could not take it any more, I told I do not love him any more, biggest mistake ever, because now it is back to him involving himself, being WAY to loveable, he is even letting me go out without the kids, it is nice and all but I now I feel even guiltier for wanting to leave.<br />
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I now have a happy husband because in his head we are working things out, but in my heart, I know I do not love him and will never love him again. I am so confused and down that I feel myself be sucked back into a life that is good for him but not for me. I cannot even stand it when he touches or kisses me. I told him not to touch me because of how I feel, but he tries and tries.<br />
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My door has opened and I know that is my way out but I still have many bumps in its path. I only ask for strength and courage not to turn back. Why is it so hard.....

I am glad I'm not entirely alone in this. We have been married 10 years (together for 13) and have two young children (6 and 3). I am a SAHM and my husband works the typical 40 hrs a week job. <br />
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What makes me so angry is he never helps with the children when he's at home. I ask and beg for some help and he will twist it around, making it sound like I got everything so easy and he has to do all the work. <br />
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He suffers from OCD/OCPD... So it is heart wrecking to seeing him rather cleaning the house or mow the lawn or wash cars (sometimes for hours at the end) instead of spending time with the children. Some days his OCD is so severe that he would "bite my head off" if I left a magazine or a drinking glass around instead of putting it away. He would actually throw things away if I turn around for a second. I cannot live like this much longer! Our house is the cleanest one on the block and I cannot enjoy doing crafts because that'll leave a "mess!"<br />
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I feel like a single mom 99% of the time. I am falling into depression. I ask to have a night off, but he still will find a way to make ME feel guilty that I end up staying home. <br />
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I love him, some days, I can put up with it. No big deal. I'm glad I have a husband who actually cleans the house/mow/wash cars on the weekends. BUT he drives me beyond crazy that I barely can live with him anymore. I've considered divorce few times just because of the shared custody (maybe I will finally get my break).

I completely understand how you feel, I have been married to my husband for 13 years together for 16. I love him very much, but it has become more of a love for a brother or a friend. We have two little girls 5 and 8. I feel so completely lost in my life, Every day i just go through the motions, never really feeling anything but disgust with my unhappiness. It's tearing my soul apart. I don't want to hurt him or my kids. But i can't stay and pretend to be happy when I'm not. We never talk, unless it's about him and his day, his problems. I have felt this way for years, and it's finally come to be unbearable for me to live this way anymore. I want to leave, i just don't know how to do it ..i'm so unhappy

I told my husband of 5 years (together 9 years total) that I could not be married to him anymore about 3 months ago and so far we have been able to work through everything surprisingly well. We've definitely had some tougher days but we are both in separate counseling which helps (I started after I told my husband and I think that helps him realize that I am doing this with a rational mind). I promised him that I did not want to date for a long time but I was leaving him for the chance that someday I can be open to a love that is right for me. I am doing everything I can not to appear wishy washy and show him that I am determined to see this through - but I was very positive when I told him so I know that is what is making this go so much more smoothly than if I had doubts. <br />
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We have two small children together and we are both determined if there is a right way to do this then that is what we are going to work towards doing. I know the boys will be just fine if their father and I can keep being respectful towards each other. Our situation though is a little difficult because I am staying in the house until I can afford to move out into a place that I can have the boys stay with me. We are sharing custody and it helps that we have been basically living separate lives for the past 2 years anyways. <br />
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At first it came as a shock to him but the more we talked about it, the more I was able to help him see why I know why we shouldn't be married. I know he still has some hope but he hasn't shown that he wants to fight for us.I think because the points I've made cannot be argued against and because he just isn't a fighter. He is SUCH a good man, sweet, considerate and we are so polite and respectful of each other. Nothing that I can tell anyone that would be obvious why I could justify wanting a divorce. But I know that no one else is going to live my life for me so it was my responsibility to admit what I was feeling (and honestly have been feeling for 9 years but continued to repress) and do something about it. So I did, and yes, I have lost a number of friends (they were his friends first and he is such a nice guy) and his family who meant the world to me. But I have surprisingly strengthened some of my other friendship because they respect what I am doing and have even told me that I am being "brave". And I have new financial pressure because I have been a 60% work, 40% at home mom and my job cannot increase me to full time right now so I am looking for a night part-time so I can still spend time with the boys. <br />
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The best way I can describe what made me decide to leave him is that I have said to people, over and over again through the years, "When I got together with my husband, my instincts were telling me not to be with him, but then I chose to ignore that voice because I didn't trust it. I had already proven that my instincts were bad at picking men and this one was so good and safe and I would never have to worry about being hurt by him, so I decided to listen to my head and agree that was the one for me". I would say this right in front of my husband as if I was proud of my conclusion. Why didn't anyone that cared about me tell me how WRONG my philosophy was? This really did make sense to me all these years until this last year. I was finally unable to continue to lie to myself or anyone else any longer. As soon as I saw and knew the truth, I couldn't go back. I was afraid of hurting him but I was MORE afraid of living the rest of my life with this lie and make others live it with me because I was afraid. For his sake, my sake and the kids sake. Once I accepted this, the floodgates opened and my awareness of how wrong we really were together started flooding in.<br />
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This is my third marriage, his first. My first marriage was in the military and the second was in Las Vegas. The second ended very badly but thankfully I did not have kids until my current husband. I am 35 years old and I am finally aware of how I have been unknowingly lying to everyone in my life about the person that I really am, being whatever I thought they wanted me to be in order to be loved and accepted. Now that I am truly aware that I have no idea who really loves me for me because I've never shown anyone, including myself, I know I would rather be alone then continue another day living a lie.<br />
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I'm feeling pretty empowered by everything I am feeling but tonight I still did an internet search on "I want to leave my nice husband" and found this site so I am not 100% confident in everything I am doing. But I keep pushing forward and reminding myself that I need to teach my boys through example, to live their life with integrity (they will always know they are loved unconditionally so I doubt they will follow the same path I have) and patience to find the right person and make certain that they are listening and thinking with their heart and I know that the truth with set them on the right path.<br />
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Thanks for reading, this was really good for me to get this all down like this. Good luck in whatever path you take.

Just face it would you like the same hair dye every day .Drive the same car car every year. Eat the same food all your life it is obvious that man and women aren t made to live together all there lives unless you manage to fluke it and talk yourself into it ,No other anmals mate for life and scientists are still finding out wit dna that it is universal in most species we just think we are absolute which is our undoing.By the way I am still married 20 years no divorce in any gene including parent grand parents and great grand parents but this is a realist opinion as I am not happy but put up with all the crap as every parent does .

I tried and tried telling my husband how un happy I am with the relationship, but he never listens. I have been crying for 5 hours tonight and my husband could not even care enough to stay up and console me. I am very unhappy with him and he knows it. Yet he does not care. I am tired and I just want to leave, but he says I love you and goes to bed while I am crying.. I am just wondering could that be possibly true that some one could love you but then watch you feel hurt and fall sleep while you cry... I just want to leave my husband but he won't let me .. I cried so many nights and every time that i feeel this way he wakes up in the morning and acts like as if nothing happened and tells me he loves me and cares about me so much and he just could not help himself but fall asleep really could he be right? I am sure a stranger would consoled me while I am crying and would cared about why I am crying so badly,, a stranger would have wondered what do i want so badly that maked me cry non stop for hours? any advice there...

It is so very sad to read all your stories and know that there are so many of us out there who are just staying with the status quo - knowing that we are settling for a life with no possibility of happiness. I am finally taking the steps to get out of my situation. I can not even stand to be in the same room anymore. He has hurt me and said so many things that there is just no way to ever fix things. It is way beyond that. I want out of the prison of my marriage! I want to be alone - just me & my cat! I long for the peace and quiet, where I can make my own decisions and not worry if someone is going to explode in a fit of anger over nothing at all! I see a lawyer at lunch tomorrow & hope to be moved within the next 5 weeks! He will come home from work one day o a note on the table, because with his temper and tendencies toward violent behavior, I could never tell him or discuss it in advance.

Oh wow I can totally relate to all all of you! I've been married four years (with my husband a total of 7) and when I look at him I just see a roommate. He's a decent guy now but has not put me through an easy four years. For the past two years he did nothing but sit at home and try to "find himself" while I worked 3 jobs to support us. He is not stupid- just lazy. Has a master's degree in computer science- it's not like he couldn't find a job- he just didn't want to. You would think he would help me at home while I worked but of course not. He will openly admit that housework is "womenfolk's work" but when I say if that's how it is isn't it traditionally the man's job to provide for the family he just gets mad and tells me to be quiet.<br />
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He found a job out of state last November and took it immediately. We don't have any children (Thank goodness!) so he took the job thinking I'd be up for a "move and adventure" and a fresh start. I agreed that he could go and I'd stay to wrap things up at home. So here we are almost 5 months later and I have no desire whatsoever to follow him. I'm a 2nd grade school teacher and convinced him we shouldn't sell our house here until I can leave my contract. In all honesty I am just loving my time alone. For the first time in 7 years I feel free! I feel like I'm living my life. There are no other men or anything like that- it's just freedom. I eat when and what I want, go to bed early, come home and no one is just plopped on the couch doing nothing. It's amazing.<br />
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That leaves me with some tough choices coming up. Our school is out the second week of May and I've been talking to a realitor about listing our home at the end of the month. I'm dragging me heals though because in all honesty I have no desire to leave. I talk to my husband every night but there are no feelings there at all. I don't care how is new job is and I have no desire to discuss my days with him. I keep hoping he'll meet someone new and give me an excuse to leave him.<br />
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Sorry I have no advice for anyone on here. It's a horrible position to be put in. He's not a horrible man- just certainly not the man for me. Wish I would have known this all those years ago and saved myself a lot of heartache.

I to am in a failing relationship. We have been together for about 8 years. Looking back now I know I should have never married him, he isnt the one for me, but I was young and on an adventure. See I moved to the other side of the world away from all my family to be with him. We have 2 toddlers now, and all I want to do is go home. If it were just me I would leave without hesitation, but Im so worried about what would happen with the children if I leave. He would fight me for custody and I could end up divorced and still living the other side of the world from my family which is worse that the situation is now. He isnt a bad man, just not really husband material or a natural father. I miss my family terribly and feel so lonely. So what do I do? I know he loves me, it just isnt there for me, and I dont even want it to be anymore. I wish I had never got on that plane and left my family. But I did and now I have to try and sort out what to do - any suggestions?

Omg! I can't believe how similar our situations are... The only differences we have is that I thankfully do not have any children by my husband not that having children is a bad thing just kinda complicates the situation. I too have moved to a completely different country and left my family and friends behind... I know you posted this awhile ago and hopefully I hope your situation has gotten taken care of and that you are very happy right now but if you need someone to talk to as do I let's exchange emails and be friends. I desperately need someone I can relate to.

wow. I am so going through all of this myself. First, i started soul searching and cleaning my life up. When I did, I "woke" up. I was not happy with the person I had become over the years. Finally, a few months ago, the Christmas edition of the Oprah magazine, someone recommended reading A course in weight loss". This lead me to realizing I had to face my stuff. All of it. Why did I treat this really nice guy like S@*T every day. Why? Bottom line, I was not happy. He did not spark my heart the way I wanted someone to. Tonight, I finally got the guts to talk to him about all of this. We are at least talking and we are going to try a marriage counselor. I feel like I am finally moving in the right direction. But what a nice guy. I just don't love him anymore. and way should we feel guilty about this?

Wow... You all took the words right out of my mouth. My husband couldn't be a sweeter and more loving person, but he has been very neglectful in several important areas: Namely, physical intimacy and providing for our family. <br />
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Over the past 3 or 4 years in particular, at the best of times I feel like best friends, and at the worst of times, I feel like his mom. I still love him deeply, more than anyone else in the world, and still find him attractive, I just can't think of him in a romantic way anymore, and it is breaking my heart. <br />
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We have a young son, and the thought of putting him through divorce, the thought of leaving and destroying my poor, sweet husband, are just too much. At the same time, I have been so unhappy, realizing that this could be my life for the next 50 years, no sex, working 80 hours a week while he works 15, that I have become suicidal. <br />
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I have been seeking help for my suicidality, and that's when it came about that a HUGE contributing factor to my depression is the state of my relationship. <br />
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I have been honest with my husband about how I feel, but he still doesn't get it. He finally agreed to go to marriage counseling, but if I'm being truly honest with myself, he could do a complete 180, and I'm not entirely sure that I could love him romantically again. <br />
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As others have stated, I would do anything to get those feelings back again, but I'm not sure if it's too late or not, and I'm afraid of making a mistake and leaving too early, and I'm afraid of making a mistake and staying too long. <br />
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Lord help us all, I feel for all of you, and your husbands. We're all going through a lot.

The worst feeling is guilt. Believe it or not, I am going thru exactly same things. I am so sick and tired of my husband's incompetency, empty promises, immaturity, and negativity toward the world. His family and he keep pressuring me to have a child with him, but I really don't want to. I am terrified of being stuck in this marriage with him because of a child. In fact, if it was't for our dog whom we both crazy about, I would have left him already. We have been to counseling separately several times, but my husband refuses to go back, for he thinks apparently he knows everything. I jump every time he touches me now. I want to be in love again.....although, I was not in love with him when we got married...foolishly, I got married because I was too proud to back out at that time. I keep thinking about me ex boyfriends...

I am going though the same feelings as you!!!!! I am soooo confused and also putting off having kids for same reason... also thinking about my ex bf's who are married now unfort.... what have you done since you posted this? any progress??? give me strength!

oh my.......reading your stories has made me just realise just how many people are dying is silence. Why, why, why must women be the ones to suffer. How much longer is this going to continue for? Can someone out there tell us that THEY HAVE LEFT and NOTHING happened? Pleeeeeeeeease?<br />
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We all know that nothing will happen to these man that claim that their lives will end, they will actually pick up the pieces and move on. Truth is, they scared of the unknown. God knows there's got to be a soulmate out there for each and evryone of them.<br />
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A friend of mine is in the same situation and she has now found true love in a man 13 years her junior. I swear he's a reincarnation because he's only 21 and can't believe the level of maturity and emotional intellgence in this guy it's scary. Now, she's even more scared because she can't believe that she has finally found someone that she just wants to give herself entirely to.<br />
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ladies, please lets put ourselves first, life is too short!

I, too, want to leave my husband. We married when I was 18. We have been married almost 18 years. I don't think I was even in love with him on our wedding day, tho. We have two great kids, a mortgage, and plenty of debt. Over all, my husband is a great provider, great dad, and a very sociable, likeable man. He adores me and would do anything in the world for me. Thru the years, his drinking problem turned into full blown alcoholism, for which he admits to, but refuses to seek help for. We've always been best friends, which is probably why we've lasted as long as we have. Until recently, however, I no longer consider him my best friend. I have always detested having sex with him, so I try to never do it. This makes me feel guilty and sad for him. Anyway, 3 years ago, I had an affair with someone at work and my husband found out. It destroyed him, and we lived apart for nearly a year. I ended the affair, and my husband and I went to counseling, moved back in together, and agreed to work on our marriage. Well, my husband has not been able to let go of his hurt, anger, resentment, jealousy and hatred. He says every second of every day is a living hell. He hates me as much as he loves me. Last week, he crossed the a jealous rage, he lost control, rammed his car into mine, screamed horrible insults at me within ear shot of the kids, and he slammed me into the side of my car several times, controlling me by the hood of my sweatshirt. My back hurt for days after. Upon discovering my affair, he had two similar instances for which he nearly lost his job as in education administration. He knew during this last outburst if someone were to call the police, he would have lost his job and credentials, but he still couldn't control himself. <br />
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I feel I owe it to him to let him go, to rid him of his "demons" as he calls them. And, I can't continue living like this, having to justify my every move, answering to every single one of his unfounded accusations. Plus, there's his alcoholism and the fact he physically hurt me. It's time for me to leave. But, I am unemployed, would have to move home with mom for a bit which is three hours away, and I would rip the kids' worlds apart.<br />
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Like many other comments I've read, I too do not want to be in this same loveless, sexless, anger filled marriage 5, 10 or more years down the road. Looking back, I have wanted to leave him since our 5th anniversary. I'm still here...hating myself for allowing this to go on so long.

I am in the same position. I too am very unhappy in my marriage and do not know what to do or who to turn to. If I leave him it will totally crush him and I can't bear to see that or do that to him. I feel like it will ruin his life and I dont want to be responsible for that. We also have two children and I don't want it to hurt them as well. I just do not know what to do.

I also am dealing with what a lot of you are. Only I've been married 3 times now and the first one only lasted 2 years. I found out he was a child molester and thank goodness, I got out before we had kids. The second one was about 2 1/2 years. He was very controlling, tried to be my father and always belittled me. I started to HATE him after about 6 months of marriage, but we ended up with a daughter together. I ended it when she was a little over a year old. My third one I am going on my 5 year of marriage. I ended up pregnant again and swore I would not get married just because I was pregnant, there was a lot of things I didn't want him doing with a family so I wanted to wait and see if he would change. His family pushed and pushed until i caved and with-in 4 months of finding out I was pregnant, we got married. I am the type of person that if pushed to hard I give up and just hide, let things happen as they will. Well, we are married and at first it was ok, but he was a major drunk and pot smoker. I hated it and would tell him over and over. He would say he was quitting but never did. I didn't want my girls to be raised in that as I am from a very country, down to earth, christian family and I didn't want a "wild" family. Over the last 5 years, he has slowed his drinking down to almost none, although I never know when he is gonna go overboard again, he has stopped smoking his pot in front of me and I only catch him once in awhile and I know he loves me and my girls soooo much, but I feel like I was forced into this and there is no way for me to ever be happy! I have tried to talk to him about things and he always puts it back on me, telling me how he has changed so much for me, what more do I expect of him. I know it would kill him if I left, but I know I also deserve to be happy. I am becoming depressed, irritable, harder on my girls and I know it's not fair to them. He spends all our money on his toys so we are barley able to pay bills and that eats at me too. I am a stay at home mom with my own photography business and I don't want to give that up, but I know I will have to and have made arrangements to go as smoothly as possible. I want to remain friends and be able to do things together with our daughter. I do love the guy as a friend and don't want to see him hurting. I don't know how to tell him...that it's my issue. I don't know where to start. My instinct, what I've done in the past was just run...I don't want to do that this time cause I don't want there to be tension and hurt between us. He won't understand and that kills me. Any of you have any ideas for me?

Same for me. Such a good man, but not the one for me. How did things change? Not sure but it kinda creeps up on you, then hits you like a brick. Just nothing there any more. I've tried & tried, but everything feels so fake & forced. Can I really live like this for the rest of my life? I know that if I stay I will have a safe & comfortable life, but the thought of it makes me feel so depressed. I don't want to break his heart, but think I may have already done the damage by telling how I feel. Now I just have to be strong enough to carry it through, even when I feel like caving in. I don't think either of us can really be happy together again, too much has changed now, however I think he would accept me back whatever (with head firmly in the sand as usual). When the kids have left home, what will we have left then? Nothing.

I have fallen completely out of love with my husband for at least half of our 15 years of marriage. Despite support encouragement and understanding along with begging and pleading for some of his time for his family, I was left to be a "single mother with two incomes". I have told him that I am not in love with him,that that part of me died over the years of neglect.<br />
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I was ready to leave after the holidays because he had NO idea how empty I felt or that there was a problem. Then we had a fight and he begged me for another chance. I agreed because I felt I owed that to him and to our 3 children (11,9,6). I agreed to attend Retrovaille. ( A great program if you are committed to reconcilation) I hoped to feel a flash of hope. For me, there is nothing. It may save your marriage if you DO still even a little love him. I wish I would have gone 5 years ago. Now I just feel like I'm being held hostage because he is holding on to my aggreeing to "work on it" as hope. <br />
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I used to think divorce was the easy way out. Now I know it is very difficult and heartwrenching. My decision affects the lives of so many. I just feel like I deserve to be happy. Whether that is alone or with someone else. Is safe good enough or is life worth another chance?

I have not been in love with my husband for about 6 yrs. He hasnt done anything wrong hes a wonderful husband & father & loves me so much & would do anything for me. Because of these reasons along with the children, finances & lifestyle i have stayed & made it work & life has been good with good holidays etc. However i do not give him the love & affection he deserves, i dont find him attractive anymore & therefore sex is rare & unbearable which i kno deep down he knows & that hurts me. I loved him so much once & would sell my soul to the devil to get those feelings back & have been trying all thse yrs. We have a lovely life, 2 fab kids, aged 10 & 11, decent jobs, nice house etc & i feel so angry at myself & soo guilty. he found out this weekend how i feel by reading some texts on my phone sent to a friend & i had to own up & tell him how i feel. I was looking to the future...i am 37...i dont want another man but can i stay like this knowing that when the kids leave home we will have nothing holding us together. I am so emotionally disconnected & we will have to spend more time together that i cant bear it, he so deserves more than that! The thought of not been with my best friend & companionship is also unbearable. We have just had a week that can only eva be endured in hell...he is so unbelievably & desperately distraught it is killing me to see. He has made all the desperate emotional threats there are to make in a desperate attempt to keep me. He tells me his world has ended..his life is over and he is going to end things as he will never never live without me by his side. Its is breaking my heart to see his heart breaking...i so want to backtrack & tell him i will stay & we'll sort it out but i just cant bring myself to as i know i dont really want that. We both work in mental health & i am fearful of not sure how we will get thru the next few weeks & months & how this will end. The kids have suffered this week listening to it all...leaving them at the school gate this morning crying!!! i cant physically leave him yet as i think this will be a longer process not something i can just walk away from now. I want to fast forward the next year to avoid all the pain we are going to have to go thru. I guess a cautionary tales to those thinking of doing is every bit as hard as you ever thought it would be ....actually no its harder....stay in touch

It's very hard to just get up and go. It's even harder when you have children that look up to you. I had those thoughts in my heade for a long time. We have been together for 12 years and I am deeply inlove with him, but I cann't stand him! I don't even see how that is possible, but it's true. <br />
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About three months after we were married, my husband suffered a horrible accident that left him disabled. He lost his leg working in the field. Everything was very hard. I had to give up my dreams of ever finishing college to be able to provide while he recovered and finished college. He completed his Bachelors Degree 5 years ago, but refuses to find a job. <br />
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I work an average of 60 hours per week Monday through Saturday while he sits at home and does nothing! He doesn't wash dishes, do laundry, cook, vacuum....nothing. He just sleeps late and watches TV and plays video games and occassionally he goes to the gym. I get up at 6:30am every morning, get myself and 3 kids ready for school. I get off of work around 6:30pm and go pick up the kids at daycare and get home closer to 8pm. At that time I have to cook dinner for him and the kids, then clean. I end up going to be around 1am, just to get up the next day and do it all over again! <br />
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Again, I only have Sundays off, and everyone knows that one day is not enought to do everything you want to do around the house. The first week of October I got my daughter a new bedroom set and I had to put it in the garage until I could find the time to move her old furniture out. That Friday, with my two older kids help, I was able to move all her furniture out. We were up until 3 am and keep in mind that I had to be at work by 9am. While the furniture was out, we decided to paint her room. Needless to say, I pulled an allnighter on that one. So, were was my husband in all the bedroom watching tv! I begged and pleaded with him to help me move the new furniture back in during the week and it never happened. I was able to get her room completely ready over the holidays because I had a four day weekend. So, I spent my Christmas moving furniture! When I finally blew up in his face he said he had been in a lot of pain lately and could not walk. That same evening his friend called him to see if he could borrow our truck to move some furniture and guess what, not only did he lend him the truck, but he helped him move the furniture! WTF! Anyways, we have had several issues, many way bigger than this. My thought is, what the hell do I have him for! Love isn't always enough, there also has to be support, understanding, and friendship. Your spouse has to be willing to help you as much as hes willing to help his friends! <br />
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I too fell out of love with my husband after only a few years of marriage, but I refused to be a statistic and be a divorced single mother of 3. Two years ago, we were able to take a weekend trip without our kids. I really didn't want to go with him, but I did. We went out on the town, dinner, and the movies. Out of the blue, I remembered why I had fallen inlove with him in the first place! I realized I had alot of resentment towards him. I felt that everything was his fault, that he had ruind my life! <br />
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I was soooo wrong, I chose this life. His accident changed everything for the both of us and we both need to learn to adapt. Don't get me wrong, I think he should still help around the house, but our bond got stronger when I finally had a sereouse discussion with myself. I wrote down everything good and everything bad in our marriage. I had several pages of good and not one thing bad. Sometimes we loose ourselves down the line because as a woman we want to take care of everyone else. My suggestion to everyone is if you feel you have a good husband that only has eyes for you, you should work at it, but you need to start with yourself. You cannot change him, only you. Go backwards to the time in your life when you were happy and try those things again. I had forgotten alot of myself. It's like I got married and I felt I had to worry about his likes and dislikes. I didn't even listen to the music I liked and loved to dance to! I also wrote a list of things that would happen if I left. What I would need and how I could start to prepair myself. I realized I could not live without hime. I would be more misserable. Not only that, but he had nowhere to go, no income, no prospects of a job. If the shoe was on the other foot, would he support me and put up with my defects, he already has!<br />
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So I tell you, before you walk out on your life and start a new one, be prepared. Do you need to save some money in case you are the one that needs to find a new home, are you able to provide for your children on your own, how will this affect him and most importantly how will it affect your children? It's your life, no one can tell you what is good for you.

Shedazzle - you asked if i had left yet. The answer is, no. I still cannot do it. I also haven't been healthy enough to leave, as i have had a debilitating illness for 3 months. But that's just one more excuse not to leave. When I'm well again, I'll probably have another excuse. I'm hoping I'll have the courage this summer, as that would be an ideal time. But I have a suspicion that I will find some reason not to do it. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared of hurting him, of not having him for at least my friend. But I'm also scared of feeling the way I've felt for the past 9 years for the rest of my life.

Reading all of your comments about your own challenges in your marriages makes me feel so much more less alone in mine.<br />
I have been married for 27 years. My kids are 20 and 23 now and over the past year, I have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to leave my marriage. It has taken a lot of soul searching, and I realize that this has been coming for years, but I have finally come to the conclusion that I am no longer in love with my husband. There is no longer an "it" factor....nothing! I too, like you, feel really badly when I look at his face as I try to explain that I am so very messed up about myself and that I need a break. I told him this 6 weeks ago and ever since he has done everything humanly possible to try and make it better....WHICH IS WORSE! I don't want him to try. <br />
We were making a big move across the country anyway in the new year, so i have taken this opportunity to leave before him with the excuse that I need some "me" time and this is true. What he does not know, is that I want to live on my own now and going forward into the future. I want to be independent... it is over for us.<br />
Does anyone watch "The New Adventures of Old Christine" on tv? I have been watching this show a lot laterly because the main character is divorced, but her ex is still one of her closest friends. This is what I would like. My husband is someone that I like...he's never done anything terribly wrong...we've just grown apart in a couple way, but I would still like to be his friend.<br />
Comments? What do you think of this idea? <br />
I am sure, that like you, every day that you have live in this lie of a relationship, it feels wrong, it feels empty. I know it's hard...I'm right in the middle of it now and it's tough. I just know that I have to do something about it. I'm lucky...I have friends who are very supportive of me doing what I need to do, so I am trying to lean on them.

What has happened since you posted this? I can relate to some of your feelings. I, however, do not believe my husband loves me in any way outside of a friendship, even though he claims that I am the one for him. We have been together for almost 5 years, with our 2nd wedding anniversary coming up on New Year's Eve. I don't even want to be here for it. I want to be far, far away! <br />
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I am sad. I feel suppressed. I want to be happy again. <br />
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Are you working it out? Are feelings of love coming back to you? Or, did you leave? I don't know if I can even try anymore. I am hoping that I can wake up one day and everything will be wonderful again.

well ladies - I'm 21 years in. At what point do we cut our losses and start living again.? Soon I won't have my standard excuses/distractions of the kids. They have been my only validation...and soon they will be out of the house. My husband seems like 'the nice guy' to everyone - and he is. He also is emotionally numb...and a bully. He completely controls the money - and emotionally black mail's me - I have to account for every cent - so that he can 'keep the records straight'...gheeze!!!! If I spend on anything he doesn't deem worthy I get hit with the judgment. However he can spend money on anything he wants without talking with me. (not big ticket items - he has successfully nickel and dime us into much - dunno as he gets defensive when I ask. He thinks that implies that I don't trust him) I gave up fighting about the money years ago - just wasn't worth it. He says everything goes to the tired on the bullying!<br />
Can anyone else relate out there? By the way - I'm not a whimp or a fool...just a very tired woman...that can't be bothered to fight for an emotional investment!!! <br />
How can a woman be so completely unhappy and a man not even notice?

Wow ur story is compelling, im also in sumhow the same situation except we have no children together that is. how can you fix whats already broken years and years of resentment. if you dont love someone anymore how can you go on. im confused too. i want to leave but dont have the heart to do it only because he deeply is in love with me and im not anymore.

I fear that I'm heading the same way. It has only been a year that I've felt like I couldn't possibly love my husband like I should. He is wonderful, but I'm not in love. I don't want to break his heart though, so I'm trying to figure out how to make staying bearable.

I can completely relate to this. While i want desperately to go, I can't bear the thought of breaking his heart. He isn't a bad man, he adores me.. but he isn't the right man for me. I sort of feel as though it will do us both a disservice to stay, but I know he doesn't see it that way. I believe, though, that deep down, we need to do what is right for us, and as you pointed out, for your son. I am mustering the courage.. and i hope that you can find the strength to find your own happiness.. Our lives are short, and we only get one. We deserve to be joyous.