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Not Sure If I Can

I have not been in love with my husband for at least 8 years (since about our 2nd year in marriage). I love him, but the love has morphed into a more brotherly-type love. I'm not attracted or connected to him anymore. And we've been in financial crisis for a few years, so that hasn't helped matters. Especially when he is largely responsible for it.

Things have just been really bad for the past few weeks. I've gotten to where I don't even want to be around him. And of course he asked me what was wrong with me. So I told him. I told him that I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I wasn't happy with our marriage and that I hadn't been happy in a very long time.

I had been so dead set that that was it. After that conversation, it was going to be over between us. But to see the look on his face when I told him, it was so completely heartbreaking. He asked me to try to make it work, at least for the next few months not just because he couldn't bear the thought of losing me, but because the thought of not being able to see his son everyday absolutely crushes him.

If I had only one wish in the world, it would be to love him passionately the way I need to love and be loved.  I don't want to break his heart. But I also know that deep down that my feelings aren't going to change. I just can't foresee him being able to make my heart skip a beat when I see him, or feel the wanting to talk to him when he comes home from work. I can't see us having fun on a date or holding each other late into the night. But most of all, I can never see him understanding me.

I'm going to try, as he has asked me. I am truly going to try to put my heart and soul into it, but I am so doubtful. How can 8 years of falling out of love be fixed? How can I bury feelings of resentment that have been building year after year?

But if after several months of trying, and nothing has changed, I have this fear that I am not going to be able to leave him. I have a feeling that I will not be able to break his heart. I will not be able to take his son from him. I am fairly certain that I will continue to live in unhappiness simply because I cannot bear the heartbreak of hurting him this way.

I am so scared of what the future holds. I am scared to still be in this same situation with these same feelings 5 or 10 years down the road. I am scared that I won't be able to do what is right. I am scared for my son's future because neither broken parents nor unhappy parents are healthy for him.

I just don't know what to do. I wish for once the decision could be easy.

infinitedreamer infinitedreamer 26-30, F 61 Responses Apr 24, 2009

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Im in a similar situation me and my husband were separated for 1year 1/2 due to the fact that he cheated on me. During that time that we were separated i started talking to an old friend ive known for about 8 years now he knew my situation hes very sweet loving and caring and respects me and we pretty much fell in love. so i decided to file for divorce after 1 year of being separated From my husband and he beged me to go back with, him that he loved me and my daughter and wanted another chance, so for the sake of my daughter and our marrage i decided to give it a try. Me and my husband have been back together for 9 months and i am completely miserable! I am no longer in love with him i find myself thinking about the other man and i do regret getting back with him. Im lost! i dont know what to do, Im in love with another man.

i am happy that i and my Ex are back again and he already told me he needs me and wants to stay with me forever.
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I want to leave my husband not because I don't love him, but because everyday that I am with him, it just makes me feel that I made the wrong decision of getting married and I keep blaming myself for it. He's been my boyfriend eversince we were 13years old, it was very good then, I knew that he love me andso do I, we got married when we turned 25, the first year is hard because we are not actually together I am working abroad and he is here in the Philippines, after a year I went home then that was the only time thta we get to be together, we are nowin our 3rd year but i think I cannot handle his being childish, he is not respecting me and is always uttering words that is deeply hurting my feelings, i really want to leave him because I want to at least leave a little respect for myself, because I am thinking that if I keep on telling myself. My family is what we call the "makaluma" and i witnessed some of my aunts and uncles having big problems but they are not separating only because they are afraid of what people say. I really don't know what to do, I never want to stay in this marriage anymore and keep torturing myself but I also cannot bear the thought of hurting my parents.

I believe...
Relationships ending are not such a bad thing.
That divorce can be handled in such a way that kids can ultimately thrive in the long run.
That when someone is trying to hold onto someone because they desperately love them there is something false in that... something dependent and suffocating.
That the huge feelings of sadness that the other person can have - the begging and non stop crying, is not to be sponged up - it's not something to feel guilty about...
That one person cannot hurt another person, it is their own reaction to events that hurts - and neither can you blame anyone for your feelings of hurt.
That no one should endure a relationship in quiet desperation.
That passion and love is the way of life.
That putting yourself first can have wonderful consequences for those around you feeling the flow of your joy.
That the next relationship may not be perfect or last long either, but that each relationship allows us to grow in our own way...
That it is okay to feel like going and staying.
That it is okay to be confused.
That love is not what you get out of a relationship but what you want to put in, with joy.
That a good relationship offers mutal growth and mutual support.
That no relationship should be an obligation.
That marriage vows are in serious need of rewriting.
That when we feel anxious or depressed our souls are saying, "Listen up!! Something is wrong!"
That if you are living your life in joy, your children will benefit from that. And if you are not, your children will know.
That making a hard decision that is best for everyone will show your children your bravery. They will know that if they ever are stuck in a situation themselves in the future that they can also remove themselves from the situation.

If you are ready to leave your spouse may I give advice that I learned the hard way. Don't tell anyone. I did not realize there was such a huge controversy about "Staying together for the kids" vs "Ripping a family apart"... I told too many people and found out who was for me and against me. Some of my closest friends and family have judged me very harshly. If I had left without telling anyone, and given one simple reason (I fell out of love with him), it would have gone much faster and smoother, although it still would have been very very painful for my husband. I wasn't prepared for his deep pain. I tried to leave my husband for two and a half months and I lost my fire. I wish I had stuck to my guns and not let his tears and begging influence me. And the only reason I knew I should have stuck to my guns was because I FELT IT TO BE WRONG. I knew I was going against my truth. He said he was going to change and he has. I never asked him to change. I accepted our relationship for what it was and I do not hold resentment for all the ways he took advantage of me. I grew in that relationship. And now he is trying so hard and I am being guilted into being with him by him, his family, my family, so many. To top it all off I felt romantic feelings for him for the first time in years. We were intimate and it was mostly good. So far it is nice but it is not the passion that I recently experienced in a very short emotional affair. I know a long term love is different than the infatuation in the beginning of a relationship. But I still feel a disconnect between us despite feelings warmth towards him. I believe that I am ready to take relationships to the next level. I don't think I will be entering a short term relationship next. I want to find someone who shares my spiritual beliefs and is more independent, less attached, able to give me freedom. And on the flip side, I would love to be by myself, making my own choices and having freedom. I do love my husband. He is trying so hard, he is trying to respect me, love me, dote on me. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is. I know there is no right answer but I feel already as if I have failed. That I wasn't brave enough to do it, that I caved in and lost my inertia. I know I have work to do on myself and I can still do that in my relationship with him. It is just the constant questioning and anxiety, sadness and feelings of suffocation, failure and oppression by my family that are so hard to live with. I am often crying or feeling jittery. I am constantly asking the universe for help but I feel as if there are choices that I need to make on my own two feet. Or maybe I am ignoring the gut feelings I should be going wtih because they are too scary. I feel wrong for feeling all these feelings and I wonder if I could not have averted this somehow, or that I should not be so negative regarding how this is playing out or that if I simply focus on loving him and developing my own life everything will turn out okay. I may always regret it, whichever path I take. I know I am not trapped because I could leave at anytime but all the people that know and judge me are making me hold myself captive. I lost my chance when I was brave and motivated and now there is a part of me that does want to see what will happen if I stay. I just don't want to be torn up inside all the time anymore..... This is an old post, I would sure love to hear the progress of what happened to some of you... It is nice to find a thread like this. I feel better knowing I am not the only one. Love to you all.

Thank you for this...you have described my exact situation and feelings. I am still in my marriage and in love with someone else...I feel trapped and hopeless and can't Even figure out which way to look next.

Deanna, I did leave my husband... it is no picnic but I know I am doing the right thing. I hope you find out what is right for you. I wish I had planned it a bit better as it is financially stressful but most of the time I feel good, happy, and relieved. Some of the time I feel scared, remorseful about losing an intact family and doubt, wondering if I made the right decision. But then I think about who I would be making that decision for and I remember that it is not wrong to make a choice for myself. In the end, my son will know that if he is in the same situation he will not be beholden to stay. Good Luck to you, xoxoxoxo

Thank you! I still haven't decided...but just reading these posts has given me some relief...I'm not alone. I think I have decided that I have to stop seeing the other man so that I can see life clearly, but I'm so afraid that I'll settle back in to a comfortable but loveless marriage...it's so hard. I'm grateful to have found this site.

I did that - I cut off all contact and got some distance... there were a few reasons I did: I didn't want to upset his life AND mine (his was not really at the point mine was), I don't think we would have lasted a few years at the most, even as I was feeling so fulfilled, and I think his presence in my life was more about the wake up call than it was about finding someone who was a better fit for me.... I agree, it's good to get focused on your current relationship to clearly see what it is without an outside disctraction... if you do go ahead with that, trust yourself! From what I hear you saying, it sounds like you wouldn't settle... but maybe that is the scary part! My thoughts go out to you...

Hope this reply finds you smiling. I myself am walking in your shoes. My story a lil different. I have been married 17 years and dated him since middle school, which puts us at 25 years. My only boyfriend and husband. Two children 16 and 13. A great man, husband, provider lots of very good about him. Altho I know 200% I am not in love with him. I am pretending daily and it's killing me. He knows something is wrong and has ask repeatedly but I can't bare to tell him I want out. I just want to be alone find myself find what I need to smile daily. I cry everyday because I'm so sad. Seeing his pain will kill me an make me cave. I know this and then I will feel more trapped. It's not fair to him at this point because he deserves to be happy as well, altho he swears he is. He could have someone love him the true way. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared....

I could have written your reply! I dream about a different life, feeling happy, running away. I cry all the time. I'm crying now. I'm tired of pretending. This sucks!

Caef, finding this thread was of immense solace to me... It was so good to find others who felt the same way I did. I actually did end up leaving my husband just a few days after I made that post... The decision to stay or leave was all muddled up in my head and I couldn't make any decision and was tormented by benefits and costs.. .then my body took over and I had anxiety and insomnia for several nights and then a panic attack when I was with my husband. My body took over and said, Enough!!! And I listened. It was hard to do and I think it would have been a bit better if I had planned it but there was no planning it was all in the moment. One month later now, it's still hard to make the transition but I am looking forward to my future with such zeal! I know everything will turn out okay. I hope you find your truth - staying is not the wrong decision and neither is leaving. Good Luck!

Sobroken I am so sorry to hear you are so scared... I was feeling horribly scared, petrified to stay, terrified to leave. Both options seemed impossible but in the end I chose to leave.... because although it was so scary, it was less painful than staying with my husband for 1, 2, 5, 10 or 20 years. It was really difficult. But I know it was right for me. Your reply does find me smiling, trying to be brave and happy to be making a choice for my freedom. Good luck to you and I hope you can find your smile again too, whatever choice you make....

Aurora, this is so eloquently written, and just what I need to read at this time in my life. I am in the same position. After years of living parallel lives with my husband in a sexless marriage, I have fallen in love with another man. I told my husband that I'm having another relationship, and he is devastated. Crying, angry, paranoid, promising to change. We have a six-year-old daughter; he barely spends time with her as his work schedule is so demanding. I want to move out, get an apartment for me and my daughter. But my husband is so desperate, and I feel so terrible. At the same time, I know that leaving would be the right thing for me, and would show my daughter that we can live in a way that is happy and empowering and independent. It's nice to know that there are other smart women out there experiencing similar things.

I am so glad I found this post. I haven't been in love with my husband for a few years but it was about a month ago when i realized i wanted to leave when i started talking to someone else and i fell for him hard. Today I've started to feel really ****** about wanting to leave and thought about changing my mind with leaving because I know how much it would break his heart. So in hope of finding something that might help me feel better I did a Google search and found this place. I have to say Aurora your post has helped to remind me that my feelings or lack there of are important too and to stop worrying so much about how he will be hurt. I am so glad you guys are here so i can get this off my chest because i can never tell this to anyone i know. The only think i can't decide is when to tell him. I thought about not telling him and just leaving while he is at work so as not to see him begging and pleading because I always end up staying when he does. That also means i should shut off my phone for a few days. Sorry started to ramble there but thank you guys so much you have helped me a lot.

Hi Aurora, I just wanted to thank you because I have been with my husband 14 years, we have been going through a gradual loss of feeling and horrible questioning over the past 5 months. we agreed to a trial separation and it was going horrible wrong, i cut and pasted your "beliefs" which I 100 percent relate to, this is the best wording i found on the internet, and that really helped me/us. My husband made the decision to require a final divorce but your wording made such a difference in switching from hostile and demanding to understanding and caring. I still feel amputated from both my arms but a few days on, we somehow both feel relieved although we were exactly where you were (mostly my losing desire for my husband due to so many years of dealing with external difficult family things). Anyway. I am indebted to you. right now, the divorce is final, I feel terrible but hugely relieved and at peace that at least, I made the right decision. When I falter, I make myself think it is/was unfair for me to be scared of evenings pretending I could enjoy being intimate. I love my husband to bits, we just can't be together and make each other happy. You helped me figure that was ok. Thank you soooooo much. good luck and let me know how you are doing. if you are not happy, LEAVE. it will hurt like HELL but we only have one life, you deserve a roller coaster more than a flat dishonnest or guilt crash into a wall. Thanks...

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I am a man and I feel the same way with my weife of 20 years and 5 children later, I no longer in love with her.

Hi there all. I myself unfortunately have been in a similar situation for quite a while now. I have a loving caring husband, but there is not heat or passion between us but those are the things that i need in my life. I do miss our old days when i was happy with him, although i must add i dont think i was ever in love with him. Since he was my first boyfriend (i come from a very strict family), i thought what i felt for him was love but deep down i knew he didnt sweep me off my feet. Anyway. I do want out, so bad. I have brought it up a few times, but for numerous reasons it has not happened yet. We have two children. I cannot see myself going on like this much longer. I cannot simply live an unhappy life only for the sake of the children, as i know they will be just fine since we both love them to death.I was wondering if there is any good solution to this. If there is anyone who left their marriage, how did their turn out to be? Are you happier now, or do you wish you had stayed? Yes, i know, thus is a decision i need to make for myself, but one can always learn from others' experiences.Thank you very much

Hello i am anna ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex love back.I was going crazy when Jean left me for another girl two months ago,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Therapist Oniha the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Therapist Oniha about how Jean left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,jean my love call me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after Jean my love call me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Therapist Oniha at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on winexbackspell@gmail.com and get your problems solve like me

Ladies your not the only ones. I am in the same situation with my wife. 15 years in. It's a hard pill to swallow. Two kids 5&9. I want to leave but too scared. I fight depression because of a broken marriage and I'm afraid it will get worse.

I was married for 13 years and we have a 10 year old autistic daughter with type 1 diabetes. Was very hard to leave my ex husband. I had no income and no where to go and a child that probably wouldn't understand what's going on. I ended up living in someones garage for a year that had been converted to a studio apartment and the family was very good to my daughter and I. I was on wellfare and looking for a job. Even though it sounds horrible, the weight lifted off my shoulders was immense and realized my daughter didn't require a lot of things to be happy she just needed happy parents and love. The quality of attention and love she gets is way better then she had gotten prior. There were many nasty fights with my ex and the whole divorce process was taxing . Has been over 2 years now and we are better friends now then we ever were together. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I love dearly. There is hope ladies its just a matter of taking that huge daunting step...but you and your children will be happier in the long run.

All of you need to quit feeling sorry for yourselfs and take a good look at what you have put in your marriages to keep it alive and no marriage goes without the love leaving at times. Love is a choice. Just admit to yourselfs that you want a single free life that may get you to what you may be missing. Grow up !!!

Hmmm, I think maybe your judgment is a little too harsh if you haven't been in the situation. Sounds exactly what I am going through and when you have spent 8-10 years being hurt and the only one who is trying to fix it that doesn't work! Done everything I can to try and salvage and am going through counseling both separate and together. You can't change the other person. Sometimes people grow apart because of spiritual growth and realization that they need to be treated with higher standards and respect. Once you have come to terms that you deserve that, it is hard to settle with what you have been dealt with for years. I do have a legitimate reason for divorce and have tried to avoid it, but not sure if I can hold back anymore.

Love isnt a choice, unless your a gold digger.

I think that you're quite insensitive I'm making the above statement. Love isn't a choice, in any way. When you hear the phrase that "the heart wants, What the heart wants" that clearly means that any given time you will not be in control of your hearts desire, therefore you can't say love is a choice. I choose and rather love my husband but that's just it...I don't . Whether these ppl want to be single or not, the fact remains that what they are experiencing is real life issues in which they are seeking help , not judgement . Think before you type

First, I find it depressing and disappointing when a fellow human being brings such negative judgement and cruelty to a space where people are being supportive and looking for support. Just seems mean to me. Like you'd have to be fairly unhappy yourself to behave this way.
second…I offer one piece of advice. Be cautious in your judgements. I have been quite judgmental in my life and it frequently happens that I find myself in the exact situation of the person I was judging. I used to roll my eyes at people that said things like "i'm not in love anymore" and "the passion just isn't there." I thought I knew better…love is an action et, al. I've always believed that working hard with the person your with was all that mattered. Now I find myself eating those words. In a situation I never in a million years thought i'd find myself in.

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I am in the same situation I don't want to be with him anymore but don't want to hurt him because he loves me so much I don't know what to do either and we have been together for 20 years but I'm so unhappy I don't want to carry on any longer and fake the fact that I want to be with him what do we do the reason I have been feeling this way is cause he has said such hurtful words over the years and the verbal abuse can't be handled anymore

All of you. It has to be hard to them but it has to be done. Yes it may hurt but in the long run you and them will both be happy again and with the children.You are all strong and incredible women that no matter what happens you will make it through!

I know the feeling, my husband is great and we don't have any financial problems but he is full of himself that he can't accept any negative thing no matter how small about him + I am pretty sure that I am not in love with him. I hate is when he asks for sex since I never enjoy it. There is absolutely no chemistry from my behalf and I am living with it for 5 years now. I wish I left before we had our daughter. Now no matter how unhappy with him I am I take a look at her and just bite my tongue and act normal. I would do anything for my daughter including staying in this marriage. Live cried so many times and asked for the courage that will get me out. Sometimes I wish that I catch him cheating on me just so that I could leave without guilt!

I wonder what happened to infinitedreamer? I guess I am in a similar position and glad I found this story and replies, at least I know I am not the only person going through this.

I too want to leave my husband, I have met another man who I feel does and will meet my needs (read my story!) but I'm scared of leaving my Husband of nearly 20 years; I feel a ton of guilt, I hate seeing him broken, and I'm so afraid of making a decision I can not turn back on. Additionally I don't want to lose my opportunity with the OM. I am going round and round in circles...........

I am exactly where you are. I understand you perfectly, and have no answers, but to do everything possible to keep everything peaceful.

wow! thank you ladies! just found out I am not bipolar or depressed or a crazy ***** etc...i am actually normal! But I can tell you, if you are young and able to survive financially, go for it! I divorced my first husband after 4 years ; i was 25 with a 3 y and 1 y old children. Made my life my way, an never regretted it! Now , I am on my third hubby ( no 2 died), am 64 and want out! My husband lost his business, all his money and is now on pension. I have to carry him as my pension is higher. He has become a boring old fart! I want out too! and it will happen! soon!

Well since spending time with my Husband and having no contact with the OM - just to make sure, I am beginning to realise I do only see my Husband as a friend. I think the damage is irreparable - he is trying hard in many practical ways but the love has definitely gone on my part. I realise I could actually leave him just for myself (not for the OM), and that I can see myself in a situation alone if need be. I think that was biggest fear using someone to help me escape! I am giving it a bit more time to be certain of my feelings (as they have been so changeable I dont always trust myself) but if it stays this way I will leave my H. And we will see what happens with the OM but I wont rush into anything, Ill take my time and if its meant to be que sera!

Sounds like you need to pull the trigger. It's big life altering decision though. I hate dealing out heartbreak.
You have the same predicament that my gf was in. She was married, but now divorced and very happy. Her life has totally changed and her attitude towards it as well, is what her friends say.
Just try to find the positive in things (your own self happiness), don't always dwell on the negative (his heartbreak).

I've been unhappily married for 20 years, we dated for 6 months then got married. At first I thought maybe it is because of the distance bcos we were far from each other. After a year when we stayed together in our house, that's where I started blaming myself. He spends his time with friends and comes back home to sleep and drunk. He cheats, and when I complain about that, he says it's culture for a man to have more than one affairs. We do not connect at all. The only time he thinks of me is when he wants us to have sex. I have tried to bottle this thinking that one day he will change, one day he will see that what he is doing is not right. But it hurts and kills me. I moved out of our marriage for 8 months and he called me back saying he needs second chance, but now things are worse. He now sleeps with girls of our daughter's age (she's 19). I want a divorce but I'm scared of his. Bully behaviour. I just don't know what to do.

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

Omg I could've written your post word for word. I'm in exactly the same position right now. I am struggling with telling him I'm not in love with him. It's impossible to find the right time or way.

This is a very old post but I cannot help but add a comment. It is so comforting to know there are other woman who share my feels. All my friends share a loving or at least enjoyable relationship, while mine lacks all of that. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. I believe I never really had. After thinking about our relationship, I feel that the majority of what I thought was love was just excitement of having someone think I was desirable. We married after only a couple of weeks of dating on the year of my 18th birthday a year later I had a daughter. I love my daughter but I now see her birth as a way to tie me to him. He's a great guy, really. We are just don't fit each other. We argue more then we get along, we don't understand each others way of thinking and find different things funny even aft being married for 5 years. After five years I'm really to call it off. I don't find him sexually attractive and I've realized that subconsciously I avoid being alone with him at home. This isn't something I want my now 3 year old to thing is a healthy relationship and would rather go a head a end it now while she's young. I am more then capable of leaving and providing for myself and my daughter. The only issue is the effects it will have mentally on my husbend. He has never been able to keep a long term relationship, has been married 2 before me and feels that it's "his fault". Which in some ways it is. He has a very unhealthy view of the female role in a house and feels its perfectly fine to critic others. When I finally got the courage up to have a conversation about this, he tells me he killed himself in a dream because he had dreamed I left him. What am I suppose to do with that? Now I feel even more trapped and forced to stay then before. What will happen if I were to leave. I'm so stressed I feel I'LL crack!

I know that this was posted over three years ago, but it has resonated so incredibly with me (as have some of the responses below) that I feel compelled to share my own experience.<br />
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I too am considering leaving my husband. I am not in love with him. I'm not even sure that I ever was. I love him, and by that I mean that I have tremendous affection for him, but I'm not in love with him.<br />
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I am not physically attracted to him at all. I dont think I have ever been physically attracted to him. I think in the early days it was just the excitement of something new, and the comfort that someone wanted me that I confused for attraction. Even then physical intimacy was strained because I just didn't feel a connection with him. Now it's so much worse. I hate the thought of sex with him. During the act, I have sometimes become so angry (at who, I don't know...myself for putting us in this situation?) that I have bitten him while kissing and squeezed some sensitive areas hard. It horrifies me that I would do something like that, but it is an almost primal reaction. <br />
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My husband, like so many of the husbands mentioned here, is a nice guy. He hasn't done anything wrong. Neither of us has been unfaithful. I just don't feel the connection with him. And I think he knows it. Before we got married, I felt like something wasn't right, and I actually tried to break it off. But he was so hurt, and I am such a pleaser, when he asked me to try to make it work I did. We pushed on. After a while I foolishly pushed him to get married, thinking that would cement our relationship and it would feel more right. But it didn't. Even as we were saying our vows I didn't feel right.<br />
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That feeling persisted, but I tried hard to overcome it. A couple of years later, I again decided it was time to call it quits. Again he cried and raged and cried some more, and asked me to try to work it out. Again I relented and forged on.<br />
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We began trying to get pregnant shortly after getting married. We had trouble getting pregnant. Getting pregnant became my new focus, and took my attention away from the problems with our marriage. We tried for 4 years, and finally conceived our beautiful twins via IVF. They are now 3.<br />
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I feel terrible guilt because deep down I have always known that we are not right for each other. But I kept pushing forward...pushing him to get married, working so hard at getting pregnant. And now I just feel like I can't do it anymore. <br />
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It doesn't help that we are under tremendous financial strain. We have overspent and are now living paycheque to paycheque. My husband is quite immature and gets angry and shuts down when we talk about reducing our standard of living (one which has been higher than we can afford) to get our finances in line. He feels at this stage in his life he deserves to have what he wants and not have to sacrifice.<br />
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He is also perpetually unhappy at work. He has worked at several different places during our relationship and after a few years he always gets unhappy and wants to leave. It is so stressful, especially when we're under the financial strain we are.<br />
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So here I am, in an 8 year marriage, with two toddlers, and feeling like I need to get out. I know that this will absolutely break his heart. He has very little support system, no close friends living nearby, and I just don't know how he'll cope. But then I think I need to take care of myself first and stop putting his dependency so high in my priorities.<br />
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I don't know what I will do, but I feel so much better to know that I am not alone in this. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

I am only 28 years old.I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years.we have 2 girls together.they are 4 and nearly 2.I have known for years that I should leave.I give way more than I get.he is depressed and drug addicted and I am dying inside a little more everyday.I come from a broken home so I don't want to do that to my girls.yet I also don't want them to think having a family means forsaking joy.I have anxiety and depression which I'm getting treatment for and my relationship adds to my distress.I ended up in hospital with a nervous breakdown three days before my babies first birthday.I am scared of being alone.I'm scared of how he'd treat me if I left him.I'm scared fullstop.my life isn't anywhere near what I always dreamed it would be.I so badly want to leave because surely life isn't meant to be so sad?he has left me down so badly and so often that I'd be surprised if he did something nice for me.I hope u ladies have found some happiness

My feelings are also running in the same stream, I cannot bear the negligence, blaming attitude and fly away thought of my husband . I am married for 7 years and presnet is as same as 1st day of my marriage. He never discusses any thing with me or cares for me, for anything I need to pleade, he takes pride in running the house, and insults me when I don't have a job inspite of me being a Postgraduate and he a school passout. I support him financially since he has a meagre job. I had a forced marriage and it left bitterness with my parents and siblings, I just help them when they need me otherwise they are unresponsive with my life and don't care for me. My husband portrays goody, when I speak to him for not caring me and goes a long way to helpout, care and share time with others especially my family he fights alot with me, we hardly speak 10 sentences in a day, he goes to work early morning and comes back around 8 pm, changes his clothes and goes to my house, when we were living in his town he would go to his siblings, friends house leaving me alone. We hardly stay husband and wife in bed,<br />
but he says he cares for me and loves me but do not show any respect, care or affection. He blames me if I speak out to him of his responsibility and end up with seperation, He never stays with me all the day except for nights just to sleep no intimacy nothing. Though I entered marriage 7 years ago with pain, I gave all the respect and care he needed. days had been the same . We don't have kids but seldom cares to provide the trreatment I needed. I'm not able to live with him from day 1 of my marriage since I didnot have the involvment getting married, but compromised with the life and fought with emotions and financial issues, though he is a nice person he lied to my parents rearding his education and business and got me married, and I do not have the right to question this. days are filled with emptiness not willing to have a uncaring, lonely life.

I dont know what to do, im 22 years old i have a 1 year old daughter, and im not in love with my boyfriend. Its hard ya know, im such a people pleaser and its funny because when i see my situation i know what i have to do but i cant.<br />
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I got pregnant early in our relationship and i decided i didnt want to get married, hes a doctor so i stayed in the same city and he left 1 hour away to start his residency. We never shared the pregnancy so he really knows nothing about it...When i was coming to my due date i quit my job and school to go live with him. The day before i had my daughter i found out that he had cheated on me. He obviously said that it only happened once and that he was really drunk but it really changed my life. I WAS SOOOOOO IN LOVE WITH HIM, so much that i had quit my life to start it over with him. I have tried to get over it and try and work things out for our daughter but im just not in love anymore. <br />
The more i think of our relationship the more depressed it makes me, we kiss once a day when he leaves for work, we are rarely intimate not to mention his *Sexual Problems* but i just cant live like this. I want to love him like i did at first but he broke my heart and my life. <br />
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I want my daughter to grow up with her mom and dad, and i want him to be happy but i know i will never be able to be happy with him anymore. I dont know what to do, im stuck between how i am always and my happiness! I just wish i could build the courage to tell him, i mean he broke my love for him, and theres no way to fix it.

I don't usually post on these sites, but found this and I'm amazed at how many people are in the same boat. I have been unhappy for years. This is my second marriage. I was married at 18 the first time and had 2 children. I divorced when the kids were 1 and 3 because my first husband was mentally emotionally and physically abusive. I met my current husband 3 years later when I was 23. He was a couple of years younger than me and was never around children. He treated my sons like they could do nothing right. I almost left him several times over the years for this reason. 10 years later, he is better with them (only in the last year because they move to their dad's which I also blame him for) but I hold so much resentment for the years he never gave them praise and always yelled at them. He thought he was teaching them but really he was always knocking them down. He is a bully. He is loving to me, as much as he knows how. Although, he does try to control me. He treats me like he is my father and we argue about it often. We have been to 2 marriage counselors. We always quit going because he thinks it doesn't work and it's a waste of money. 3 years ago, the first marriage counselor told me to save money because I would eventually leave and he would treat my daughter the same way once she became an adolescent. I think she was right. We have a daughter together and she is now 8. I can already see the changes in the way he treats her. He's not mean to her but he gets annoyed with her very quickly. When I tell him I'm not happy, he cries and tells me I'm his best friend and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. But, that is the only time he shows emotion!! Only when I tell him I want to leave! He isn't affectionate even though he used to be. He says he doesn't know how to show affection and it doesn't come natural. He says I am overreacting or nothing he does is ever good enough, when I tell him I need more. The only time he shows affection is sex. And we're not really sexually compatible. In the beginning, I looked past that. I didn't see the flaws because I was blinded by the great time we had together. We get along like friends most of the time when we're out or alcohol is involved. Everyone always says we have the best relationship. His friend recently told me he wants to find a relationship like ours because we're best friends. Just goes to show, you never know until you're on the inside of a relationship. Nothing is perfect! I would really like to be alone but I do have love for him. I don't want to hurt him. I am just wondering how long I can be unhappy. He makes all of these plans for our future and I feel horrible because I don't see much of a future. I know I will leave one day. I also believe life is too short an I should have the right to be happy!<br />
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I should also probably mention I have had 2 affairs over te years, which were mostly emotional to fill the void. He doesn't know this and I could never tell him or he would probably snap and kill me or someone else. He is very short tempered. But, I still keep in contact with these people when I need the attention, which is really pathetic.<br />
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I just don't understand how someone could be such a bully and treat me like a child most of the time with his controlling behavior, but still love me so much. Most of the time I wonder how he can be so happy this way! When I think I am maybe happy, I really I am lying to myself. I'm trying to talk myself into being happy, hoping it will stick.

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years we have a house a dog and a cat, he is a decent guy a good relationship and a steady home and I don’t love him, I know what you are all talking about I wish I could take a pill to make everything back to normal and for a year and a half I told him I wasn’t happy, I walked once before and talked to him 9 times and nothing, he would do anything for me but I simply don’t love him anymore for a variety or reasons a week and a half ago I left, I grabbed a tescos bag of cloths am on my friends floor, and have broken his heart, I have lost 16 pounds in 11 days shake all the time and cant bare the thought of hurting him this way but I will get better! I thought I was strong before but now I know I am, my family and friends are on his side so im on my own, this is the hardest thing I have ever done but guess what the feelings I have more than anything is relief, excitement, and pride that I finally sucked it up and walked, if your unhappy why would you stay?, why would you waste your life? If you had 6 months to live would you stay? Is your life worth that little that your prepared to be unhappy for years? Doesn’t he deserve better than someone putting up with them? How would you feel if your love didn’t love you and stayed out of pity? You have to leave, don’t you want to find someone that gets your blood pumping? Someone that you day dream about instead of dreaming of what it would be like if he died, leave don’t be a mug I have never felt so alone but also strong, it is the hardest thing ive ever done and he keeps crying and begging me to come home but why would I be unhappy again I don’t want to waste my life, those who do not take risks do not drink champagne!!!!