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Not Sure If I Can

I have not been in love with my husband for at least 8 years (since about our 2nd year in marriage). I love him, but the love has morphed into a more brotherly-type love. I'm not attracted or connected to him anymore. And we've been in financial crisis for a few years, so that hasn't helped matters. Especially when he is largely responsible for it.

Things have just been really bad for the past few weeks. I've gotten to where I don't even want to be around him. And of course he asked me what was wrong with me. So I told him. I told him that I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I wasn't happy with our marriage and that I hadn't been happy in a very long time.

I had been so dead set that that was it. After that conversation, it was going to be over between us. But to see the look on his face when I told him, it was so completely heartbreaking. He asked me to try to make it work, at least for the next few months not just because he couldn't bear the thought of losing me, but because the thought of not being able to see his son everyday absolutely crushes him.

If I had only one wish in the world, it would be to love him passionately the way I need to love and be loved.  I don't want to break his heart. But I also know that deep down that my feelings aren't going to change. I just can't foresee him being able to make my heart skip a beat when I see him, or feel the wanting to talk to him when he comes home from work. I can't see us having fun on a date or holding each other late into the night. But most of all, I can never see him understanding me.

I'm going to try, as he has asked me. I am truly going to try to put my heart and soul into it, but I am so doubtful. How can 8 years of falling out of love be fixed? How can I bury feelings of resentment that have been building year after year?

But if after several months of trying, and nothing has changed, I have this fear that I am not going to be able to leave him. I have a feeling that I will not be able to break his heart. I will not be able to take his son from him. I am fairly certain that I will continue to live in unhappiness simply because I cannot bear the heartbreak of hurting him this way.

I am so scared of what the future holds. I am scared to still be in this same situation with these same feelings 5 or 10 years down the road. I am scared that I won't be able to do what is right. I am scared for my son's future because neither broken parents nor unhappy parents are healthy for him.

I just don't know what to do. I wish for once the decision could be easy.

infinitedreamer infinitedreamer 26-30, F 63 Responses Apr 24, 2009

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Sorry I just see a lot of people trying to justify affairs or the start of one.

Wow! I just read this after trying to go to bed but lying there thinking...mind racing...husband in the other room snoring. I am so encouraged. An hour ago I was feeling that I could not leave my husband. ..it would break him. But now I see that it would probably be better to leave now after five years of marriage then waking up after ten years and feeling the same way. He is not a horrible person. ..but is a poor husband to me [which is all that really matters]. I still love him but feelings of resentment grow daily. He is an alcoholic. He is manipulative in how he deals with me....somehow I always end up feeling guilty for expressing my feelings or standing up for myself. He is very critical. More interested in beer and tv than me. We sleep in separate rooms [I sleep in my daughter's bed while he has a king to himself]. I can't talk to him about anything involving emotions. He just doesn't understand. I think he's not a bad guy but I feel so alone. Sex is nonexistent unless I beg for it. I just really want to be by myself with my daughter. I already do EVERYTHING anyway like a single parent. He goes to work, comes home to nap, then we eat dinner and he drinks beer til he is ready to pass out. His idea of a healthy marriage is asking me what I want to watch on TV at night. He thinks he is a hero because he compromised. Lol ugggg I wish I had gotten out long ago. Ironic because he is perfectly happy with our life together. How do you tell someone that you have been supremely unhappy for years? I've tried...but I'm the needy one for wanting more intimacy I guess. Hope I can get a job and get out soon before I go crazy.

Im in a similar situation me and my husband were separated for 1year 1/2 due to the fact that he cheated on me. During that time that we were separated i started talking to an old friend ive known for about 8 years now he knew my situation hes very sweet loving and caring and respects me and we pretty much fell in love. so i decided to file for divorce after 1 year of being separated From my husband and he beged me to go back with, him that he loved me and my daughter and wanted another chance, so for the sake of my daughter and our marrage i decided to give it a try. Me and my husband have been back together for 9 months and i am completely miserable! I am no longer in love with him i find myself thinking about the other man and i do regret getting back with him. Im lost! i dont know what to do, Im in love with another man.

i am happy that i and my Ex are back again and he already told me he needs me and wants to stay with me forever.
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I want to leave my husband not because I don't love him, but because everyday that I am with him, it just makes me feel that I made the wrong decision of getting married and I keep blaming myself for it. He's been my boyfriend eversince we were 13years old, it was very good then, I knew that he love me andso do I, we got married when we turned 25, the first year is hard because we are not actually together I am working abroad and he is here in the Philippines, after a year I went home then that was the only time thta we get to be together, we are nowin our 3rd year but i think I cannot handle his being childish, he is not respecting me and is always uttering words that is deeply hurting my feelings, i really want to leave him because I want to at least leave a little respect for myself, because I am thinking that if I keep on telling myself. My family is what we call the "makaluma" and i witnessed some of my aunts and uncles having big problems but they are not separating only because they are afraid of what people say. I really don't know what to do, I never want to stay in this marriage anymore and keep torturing myself but I also cannot bear the thought of hurting my parents.

I believe...
Relationships ending are not such a bad thing.
That divorce can be handled in such a way that kids can ultimately thrive in the long run.
That when someone is trying to hold onto someone because they desperately love them there is something false in that... something dependent and suffocating.
That the huge feelings of sadness that the other person can have - the begging and non stop crying, is not to be sponged up - it's not something to feel guilty about...
That one person cannot hurt another person, it is their own reaction to events that hurts - and neither can you blame anyone for your feelings of hurt.
That no one should endure a relationship in quiet desperation.
That passion and love is the way of life.
That putting yourself first can have wonderful consequences for those around you feeling the flow of your joy.
That the next relationship may not be perfect or last long either, but that each relationship allows us to grow in our own way...
That it is okay to feel like going and staying.
That it is okay to be confused.
That love is not what you get out of a relationship but what you want to put in, with joy.
That a good relationship offers mutal growth and mutual support.
That no relationship should be an obligation.
That marriage vows are in serious need of rewriting.
That when we feel anxious or depressed our souls are saying, "Listen up!! Something is wrong!"
That if you are living your life in joy, your children will benefit from that. And if you are not, your children will know.
That making a hard decision that is best for everyone will show your children your bravery. They will know that if they ever are stuck in a situation themselves in the future that they can also remove themselves from the situation.

If you are ready to leave your spouse may I give advice that I learned the hard way. Don't tell anyone. I did not realize there was such a huge controversy about "Staying together for the kids" vs "Ripping a family apart"... I told too many people and found out who was for me and against me. Some of my closest friends and family have judged me very harshly. If I had left without telling anyone, and given one simple reason (I fell out of love with him), it would have gone much faster and smoother, although it still would have been very very painful for my husband. I wasn't prepared for his deep pain. I tried to leave my husband for two and a half months and I lost my fire. I wish I had stuck to my guns and not let his tears and begging influence me. And the only reason I knew I should have stuck to my guns was because I FELT IT TO BE WRONG. I knew I was going against my truth. He said he was going to change and he has. I never asked him to change. I accepted our relationship for what it was and I do not hold resentment for all the ways he took advantage of me. I grew in that relationship. And now he is trying so hard and I am being guilted into being with him by him, his family, my family, so many. To top it all off I felt romantic feelings for him for the first time in years. We were intimate and it was mostly good. So far it is nice but it is not the passion that I recently experienced in a very short emotional affair. I know a long term love is different than the infatuation in the beginning of a relationship. But I still feel a disconnect between us despite feelings warmth towards him. I believe that I am ready to take relationships to the next level. I don't think I will be entering a short term relationship next. I want to find someone who shares my spiritual beliefs and is more independent, less attached, able to give me freedom. And on the flip side, I would love to be by myself, making my own choices and having freedom. I do love my husband. He is trying so hard, he is trying to respect me, love me, dote on me. I wish I knew what the right thing to do is. I know there is no right answer but I feel already as if I have failed. That I wasn't brave enough to do it, that I caved in and lost my inertia. I know I have work to do on myself and I can still do that in my relationship with him. It is just the constant questioning and anxiety, sadness and feelings of suffocation, failure and oppression by my family that are so hard to live with. I am often crying or feeling jittery. I am constantly asking the universe for help but I feel as if there are choices that I need to make on my own two feet. Or maybe I am ignoring the gut feelings I should be going wtih because they are too scary. I feel wrong for feeling all these feelings and I wonder if I could not have averted this somehow, or that I should not be so negative regarding how this is playing out or that if I simply focus on loving him and developing my own life everything will turn out okay. I may always regret it, whichever path I take. I know I am not trapped because I could leave at anytime but all the people that know and judge me are making me hold myself captive. I lost my chance when I was brave and motivated and now there is a part of me that does want to see what will happen if I stay. I just don't want to be torn up inside all the time anymore..... This is an old post, I would sure love to hear the progress of what happened to some of you... It is nice to find a thread like this. I feel better knowing I am not the only one. Love to you all.

Thank you for this...you have described my exact situation and feelings. I am still in my marriage and in love with someone else...I feel trapped and hopeless and can't Even figure out which way to look next.

Deanna, I did leave my husband... it is no picnic but I know I am doing the right thing. I hope you find out what is right for you. I wish I had planned it a bit better as it is financially stressful but most of the time I feel good, happy, and relieved. Some of the time I feel scared, remorseful about losing an intact family and doubt, wondering if I made the right decision. But then I think about who I would be making that decision for and I remember that it is not wrong to make a choice for myself. In the end, my son will know that if he is in the same situation he will not be beholden to stay. Good Luck to you, xoxoxoxo

Thank you! I still haven't decided...but just reading these posts has given me some relief...I'm not alone. I think I have decided that I have to stop seeing the other man so that I can see life clearly, but I'm so afraid that I'll settle back in to a comfortable but loveless marriage...it's so hard. I'm grateful to have found this site.

I did that - I cut off all contact and got some distance... there were a few reasons I did: I didn't want to upset his life AND mine (his was not really at the point mine was), I don't think we would have lasted a few years at the most, even as I was feeling so fulfilled, and I think his presence in my life was more about the wake up call than it was about finding someone who was a better fit for me.... I agree, it's good to get focused on your current relationship to clearly see what it is without an outside disctraction... if you do go ahead with that, trust yourself! From what I hear you saying, it sounds like you wouldn't settle... but maybe that is the scary part! My thoughts go out to you...

Hope this reply finds you smiling. I myself am walking in your shoes. My story a lil different. I have been married 17 years and dated him since middle school, which puts us at 25 years. My only boyfriend and husband. Two children 16 and 13. A great man, husband, provider lots of very good about him. Altho I know 200% I am not in love with him. I am pretending daily and it's killing me. He knows something is wrong and has ask repeatedly but I can't bare to tell him I want out. I just want to be alone find myself find what I need to smile daily. I cry everyday because I'm so sad. Seeing his pain will kill me an make me cave. I know this and then I will feel more trapped. It's not fair to him at this point because he deserves to be happy as well, altho he swears he is. He could have someone love him the true way. I don't know what to do, I'm so scared....

I could have written your reply! I dream about a different life, feeling happy, running away. I cry all the time. I'm crying now. I'm tired of pretending. This sucks!

Caef, finding this thread was of immense solace to me... It was so good to find others who felt the same way I did. I actually did end up leaving my husband just a few days after I made that post... The decision to stay or leave was all muddled up in my head and I couldn't make any decision and was tormented by benefits and costs.. .then my body took over and I had anxiety and insomnia for several nights and then a panic attack when I was with my husband. My body took over and said, Enough!!! And I listened. It was hard to do and I think it would have been a bit better if I had planned it but there was no planning it was all in the moment. One month later now, it's still hard to make the transition but I am looking forward to my future with such zeal! I know everything will turn out okay. I hope you find your truth - staying is not the wrong decision and neither is leaving. Good Luck!

Sobroken I am so sorry to hear you are so scared... I was feeling horribly scared, petrified to stay, terrified to leave. Both options seemed impossible but in the end I chose to leave.... because although it was so scary, it was less painful than staying with my husband for 1, 2, 5, 10 or 20 years. It was really difficult. But I know it was right for me. Your reply does find me smiling, trying to be brave and happy to be making a choice for my freedom. Good luck to you and I hope you can find your smile again too, whatever choice you make....

Aurora, this is so eloquently written, and just what I need to read at this time in my life. I am in the same position. After years of living parallel lives with my husband in a sexless marriage, I have fallen in love with another man. I told my husband that I'm having another relationship, and he is devastated. Crying, angry, paranoid, promising to change. We have a six-year-old daughter; he barely spends time with her as his work schedule is so demanding. I want to move out, get an apartment for me and my daughter. But my husband is so desperate, and I feel so terrible. At the same time, I know that leaving would be the right thing for me, and would show my daughter that we can live in a way that is happy and empowering and independent. It's nice to know that there are other smart women out there experiencing similar things.

I am so glad I found this post. I haven't been in love with my husband for a few years but it was about a month ago when i realized i wanted to leave when i started talking to someone else and i fell for him hard. Today I've started to feel really ****** about wanting to leave and thought about changing my mind with leaving because I know how much it would break his heart. So in hope of finding something that might help me feel better I did a Google search and found this place. I have to say Aurora your post has helped to remind me that my feelings or lack there of are important too and to stop worrying so much about how he will be hurt. I am so glad you guys are here so i can get this off my chest because i can never tell this to anyone i know. The only think i can't decide is when to tell him. I thought about not telling him and just leaving while he is at work so as not to see him begging and pleading because I always end up staying when he does. That also means i should shut off my phone for a few days. Sorry started to ramble there but thank you guys so much you have helped me a lot.

Hi Aurora, I just wanted to thank you because I have been with my husband 14 years, we have been going through a gradual loss of feeling and horrible questioning over the past 5 months. we agreed to a trial separation and it was going horrible wrong, i cut and pasted your "beliefs" which I 100 percent relate to, this is the best wording i found on the internet, and that really helped me/us. My husband made the decision to require a final divorce but your wording made such a difference in switching from hostile and demanding to understanding and caring. I still feel amputated from both my arms but a few days on, we somehow both feel relieved although we were exactly where you were (mostly my losing desire for my husband due to so many years of dealing with external difficult family things). Anyway. I am indebted to you. right now, the divorce is final, I feel terrible but hugely relieved and at peace that at least, I made the right decision. When I falter, I make myself think it is/was unfair for me to be scared of evenings pretending I could enjoy being intimate. I love my husband to bits, we just can't be together and make each other happy. You helped me figure that was ok. Thank you soooooo much. good luck and let me know how you are doing. if you are not happy, LEAVE. it will hurt like HELL but we only have one life, you deserve a roller coaster more than a flat dishonnest or guilt crash into a wall. Thanks...

VYoungzi, Thank you for your kind words... it was just a matter of days after I wrote that out that I hit the final breaking point and decided to separate from my husband. You're right, it did hurt like Hell, and it was so difficult in so many ways, emotionally, physically, financially, and just facing a scary and unknown future. It's been over six months and life is settlilng into the new normal. I still mourn the loss of my intact family and also of the ideas about the future that I had all planned out. I also still mourn the feeling of fulfillment that I had with my "catalyst" player, the man who I secretly fell in love with. I know it would not have worked out for the long term with him and I know his role in my life was just to help me release myself from my unhappy marriage. I am so glad that you are going through an amicable divorce... so many do not. Thankfully I am too, and I am better friends with my ex now than I have been in years. All that wisdom I wrote in my first post came from books and other more experienced people, I just compiled it in one place... so I am happy to be able to be a conduit of that balm to you. All the best to you and to your ex too, change is scary but it is good. :)

Dear Aurora,

I am going through the same experience that you did and your words could not describe better what I am going through right now. I have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for the past 4 years. Until recently I told my other half everything that I felt and did not feel. For once I lost all the trust towards him and that I just don't and can not love him. It took him some time to realize the enormity of the situation and now he is offering me the moon and the sun for the fear of loosing me. I feel though as I can not be with him anymore, I don't see a future with him, I don't see any normal relationship that a couple should have. I don't think I will ever have any warm feelings towards. Right now I feel like I start feeling pity towards him and that is the least I want to feel towards him. He is willing to do everything to save the marriage, but I feel the gap between us is too big to fill. I know divorce is a huge step, but your words are so powerful and so true. You said you finally divorced your husband and like a different person. I am glad you had the courage to do that. Life is too short to put on a facade and pretend everything is good.

Aurora, I can't tell you how grateful I am for this message! I see other people tell you that you wrote their life story, but it's mine too! I have been married 18 years, got married very young (I'm 37) and grew totally apart from my husband. I've been praying for someone to talk to that has been through what I am going through. I don't know what to do or where to turn....going to psychologists take too long and they don't know this pain. No friend understands, and I'm so embarrassed about how I feel that I decided not to tell anyone anymore. My problem is that the other emotional affair guy is still there and has been hanging around to see if I'm going to leave for over a year now!! I have been so tortured by this that I have actually caused myself to have a "broken heart syndrome" heart attack! I'm super healthy and no blockages, the doctors were perplexed...I have had two MI's! They say cardiac vasospasm due to emotions. I don't want to die and leave the kids behind because of my broken heart and my inability to make a move, but the harsh reality of leaving would turn my life upside down. and the kicker is that the other guy is so ridiculously unrealistic, he is 14years younger than me!! I feel so stupid but my heart tells me otherwise. Any words of wisdom would be so appreciated! ! How could I have done this to my relationship with God and torture myself....that seems bad enough, leaving my family in the dust would seem like more torment than I've already caused myself, but how would I know if I don't try!? Sending love and prayers your way and hoping for the universe/God to pour down the answers I need!

Oh you poor thing, going through such physical difficulties - a heart attack! you were broken hearted indeed! Have you any relief? I hope you found the answers you need... All I can say is listen to your heart... the best decisions are made when you are "out of your mind." Your feelings are the language of your soul and your soul will guide you to joy and happiness. Feel free to message me if you need to talk!

Aurora,
I started going counseling by myself and wanted to asked you if you did the same? I feel like I am pretty sure that I want to divorce my husband, however he begged me for 6 months to show me how much he changed. He cries a lot now, tells me how wrong he was and how much he ignored our relationship. But it was more than that..he emotionally abused me for the past 4 years and every time I tried to reach to him he would shut me down. When I brought the divorce to him, he got really scared and said he can not loose me etc. etc..I told him I do not have any feelings for him and can not stand when he touches me. Also I lost all the trust towards him. Now he is trying to please me and is just a " yes" man no matter what I say. I am afraid I will start pitying him and that's the last thing I want. I feel deep inside me that I won't be able to leave the rest of my life with him..and I know he will be very hurt if I decide to go through with it. I don't have much support here, no friends or family..so it might be very difficult at the beginning. Luckily I am able to support myself. I am not afraid of separating from him..I feel like I found my voice and for once starting thinking about what is good for me. Like other people who replied to your post..I was very inspired by your comments as well. Can you tell a little how long it took your ex-husband to get used to idea that you are divorcing him? Could you give us those still there married unhappily how to go through a divorce and still stay strong. Thank you in advance!

Hello Nancy! Isn't it amazing how similar human experience can be? Your story is so close to mine. I did go to counselling and it was really good for me... I also called a few reputable mediums/psychics and that was extremely powerful too. (Not these spam messages about getting your true love back that come on on these boards!) Once I truly decided firmly that I was leaving and held to my decision it took him a few months to pull himself together. There were a few weeks of agony as we were sleeping in the same bed still with our son, who we co-sleep with. My husband would get up in the middle of the night, weeping and begging me not to leave. Neither of us got much sleep for quite some time. I am lucky that my husband went to a counsellor who reminded him gently, and repeatedly: "And how will you move through this for your son?" Which stopped his incessant crying and firmed him up. He was still devastated but he stopped crying so much in front of our child. It's been about six months now and he still looks pretty sad when I see him sometimes. He goes up and down, sometimes doing very well and sometimes not....
If you decide in your heart that it is best to end your marriage, the strength and bravely does not always feel like you might think it would. I felt scared and like I wanted to throw up most of the time. It was a horrible feeling, I often felt like it was a murder of some kind. It is, in a way, killing the relationship. To stay strong you must think of yourself first. If you have children they are an important second, but they are still second as it will be better for them to see you fulfill your life than live as a hostage. The things that will hurt them in the long term are fighting in front of them and if one parent abandons them. So do neither of those. (Read the Sandcastles divorce book to learn more)
Do not dwell on what others will say about you, because Oh They Will! It's big gossip and they will talk and judge. And lastly, find your peace, your inner guidance, go for walks, talk with God, the Universe, your higher self or if you are atheist, just talk with yourself and commune with nature. Take the time that you need for yourself to make the right choices that will steer you through with less pain and hurt... but it will be painful... it will hurt. Don't fool yourself, this change is big and scary and hard. :)
I often think about it in these terms: What I did, by leaving my husband was not what I wanted. But staying with him, was worse. I hope you and anyone who reads this stays true to their own heart and follows their inner guidance. If it resonates, it's information for you, and if it does not, stay true to yourself!

Thank you for this Aurora. I don't know if you're still on here or how long ago you posted this, but I just had to write back as I feel the same way. Everything you said resonate with me. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. I knew him 8 months and I accepted his proposal. I knew I didn't know him very long and I saw some quirks in his personality that I thought were kinda mean but I didn't listen to myself and told myself that I was always too picky with guys and that I'm getting older, so I accepted his proposal. I did think that I loved him and that not everyone is perfect so I knew we would work our differences out. He has been verbally abusive throughout our relationship, calling me classless, a *****, a pig, and once I had children, he called me a terrible mother. I had post partum after my first baby and he was so unsupportive, telling me that our daughter didn't know that I was her mother, that she thought he was. Fast forward to now and I've pulled myself completely away from him. I am so not attracted to him anymore. I get disgusted when he tried to touch me. I'm happier when he's not home. I wish he would go out with his friends more. And now, he's trying to make things better between us. He doesn't want to lose me and he's being so nice. BUT I AM DONE! I've been depressed for a long time now because I feel hopeless about life. I don't hate him but I don't love him. I don't want to be married anymore. I've been trying to figure out the reason for my being down. He thinks it's because in overwhelmed as a mom, but I know it's because I'm not being true to myself. I know that I should leave him but I feel guilty about breaking up our family. We have two children aged 4 & 5. People keep telling me that I should stick it out because being on my own with 2 children will be difficult, but I feel that life is too short to be unhappy with someone. I believe in love and I believe in life.

GinaMarie, it will be difficult... that is true. I did leave my husband and I found out how hard it was... in so many ways... BUT... I am free! Keep believing in love and life... and listen only to yourself and not anyone else who has no idea what your life is like. I am so sorry to hear of your depression - I hope you can find your way.

You had me until "That one person cannot hurt another person, it is their own reaction to events that hurts - and neither can you blame anyone for your feelings of hurt." Spoken like the one who wants to leave than the one who is being left.

It's a philosophical standpoint... Try the book Conversations With God to get a fuller explanation.

Basically if someone was leaving me - I would not attack them by saying their actions were hurting me. It is the situation that is hurtful, and if I take a different perspective I might see that I need not feel damaged but just feel the pain instead of believing anyone could hurt me, by exercising their inherent right not to have to be my slave or object. Part of the idea is that hurt can be an entitled feeling of self righteousness. Part of the idea is that we can always take whatever pain we have and become something bigger - so why blame someone else for an opportunity for growth?

From the other side, which I experienced, I did not blame my husband for taking advantage of me, yelling at me, judging me, and controlling me. We both contributed to that situation, I by staying for seven years longer than I should have, never sticking up for myself, and allowing him to continually control me. But I refuse to say that he has the power to hurt me, whether I believe he was wrong or right.

So, You may believe it is the right thing to do to stay in an unfulfilling marriage and that is not a bad choice, it would just be your choice. But ultimately no one should blame the other partner for anything that you both created.

Thank you so so much for your post! It has really given me lot of strength, menatally and I that guilt feeling is little less now.. Just so amazed to see how many people are in the same boat as I am. I am not worried about myself but more worried and gulity about leaving my husband who is really good, a very good father but I just don't feel any bonding or connection with him. It was an arraged marriage so I taught myself to love him. But he has been too shy and even after 15+ yrs of marriage he doesn't kiss or hugs me. Even when I tried, he either did not respond back the same way or made an excuse. Whatever little kiss we have at sex time is also kind of incomplete. We never even changed clothes in front of each other. I am a very open minded, loving and affectionate person but he feels that love should be reflected in actions. If one is sincere and faithful that should be good enough. I have felt so lonley and wanted and have desparately wanted someone to hug and kiss me, to feel butterflies in my stomach. I am very good looking and look much younger than my age, get compliments from people all the time, have beautiful kids, a beautiful house and financial stability, yet I am so miserable. Just about an yr ago I started an affair with my first love from childhood. It just happened because I wanted to have all my feelings while I am still young and I feel that my time is running out. All I can say is that I just want to be with him for the rest of my life. He feels the same for me. He is also in a dissatisfying marriage. we both want divorce and want to get together for good. But at the same time don't want our spouces to go thorugh emotional torture. I feel stuck. I have told my husband that i want to be out but he begged me to stay. Now that he wants to change, I don't know if I have any feelings for him. Furthermore, how do you teach someone to kiss? Since it doesn't come naturally to him, I would not like it. I know that he loves me with all his heart but I am just not in love with him. This is very unfortunate. Don't know what I should do. It was my principle that no married person should have an affair unltil he gets a divorce. I just can't believe that I myself did that!

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I am a man and I feel the same way with my weife of 20 years and 5 children later, I no longer in love with her.

Hi there all. I myself unfortunately have been in a similar situation for quite a while now. I have a loving caring husband, but there is not heat or passion between us but those are the things that i need in my life. I do miss our old days when i was happy with him, although i must add i dont think i was ever in love with him. Since he was my first boyfriend (i come from a very strict family), i thought what i felt for him was love but deep down i knew he didnt sweep me off my feet. Anyway. I do want out, so bad. I have brought it up a few times, but for numerous reasons it has not happened yet. We have two children. I cannot see myself going on like this much longer. I cannot simply live an unhappy life only for the sake of the children, as i know they will be just fine since we both love them to death.I was wondering if there is any good solution to this. If there is anyone who left their marriage, how did their turn out to be? Are you happier now, or do you wish you had stayed? Yes, i know, thus is a decision i need to make for myself, but one can always learn from others' experiences.Thank you very much

Hello i am anna ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex love back.I was going crazy when Jean left me for another girl two months ago,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to Therapist Oniha the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Therapist Oniha about how Jean left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,jean my love call me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after Jean my love call me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact Therapist Oniha at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on winexbackspell@gmail.com and get your problems solve like me

Ladies your not the only ones. I am in the same situation with my wife. 15 years in. It's a hard pill to swallow. Two kids 5&9. I want to leave but too scared. I fight depression because of a broken marriage and I'm afraid it will get worse.

I was married for 13 years and we have a 10 year old autistic daughter with type 1 diabetes. Was very hard to leave my ex husband. I had no income and no where to go and a child that probably wouldn't understand what's going on. I ended up living in someones garage for a year that had been converted to a studio apartment and the family was very good to my daughter and I. I was on wellfare and looking for a job. Even though it sounds horrible, the weight lifted off my shoulders was immense and realized my daughter didn't require a lot of things to be happy she just needed happy parents and love. The quality of attention and love she gets is way better then she had gotten prior. There were many nasty fights with my ex and the whole divorce process was taxing . Has been over 2 years now and we are better friends now then we ever were together. I have a wonderful boyfriend that I love dearly. There is hope ladies its just a matter of taking that huge daunting step...but you and your children will be happier in the long run.

All of you need to quit feeling sorry for yourselfs and take a good look at what you have put in your marriages to keep it alive and no marriage goes without the love leaving at times. Love is a choice. Just admit to yourselfs that you want a single free life that may get you to what you may be missing. Grow up !!!

Hmmm, I think maybe your judgment is a little too harsh if you haven't been in the situation. Sounds exactly what I am going through and when you have spent 8-10 years being hurt and the only one who is trying to fix it that doesn't work! Done everything I can to try and salvage and am going through counseling both separate and together. You can't change the other person. Sometimes people grow apart because of spiritual growth and realization that they need to be treated with higher standards and respect. Once you have come to terms that you deserve that, it is hard to settle with what you have been dealt with for years. I do have a legitimate reason for divorce and have tried to avoid it, but not sure if I can hold back anymore.

Love isnt a choice, unless your a gold digger.

I think that you're quite insensitive I'm making the above statement. Love isn't a choice, in any way. When you hear the phrase that "the heart wants, What the heart wants" that clearly means that any given time you will not be in control of your hearts desire, therefore you can't say love is a choice. I choose and rather love my husband but that's just it...I don't . Whether these ppl want to be single or not, the fact remains that what they are experiencing is real life issues in which they are seeking help , not judgement . Think before you type

First, I find it depressing and disappointing when a fellow human being brings such negative judgement and cruelty to a space where people are being supportive and looking for support. Just seems mean to me. Like you'd have to be fairly unhappy yourself to behave this way.
second…I offer one piece of advice. Be cautious in your judgements. I have been quite judgmental in my life and it frequently happens that I find myself in the exact situation of the person I was judging. I used to roll my eyes at people that said things like "i'm not in love anymore" and "the passion just isn't there." I thought I knew better…love is an action et, al. I've always believed that working hard with the person your with was all that mattered. Now I find myself eating those words. In a situation I never in a million years thought i'd find myself in.

I really agree with you. From the responses I have read so far no one has been mentioning that they went to counseling etc. Seems as though most people was sitting around waiting for the relationship to fix itself.

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I am in the same situation I don't want to be with him anymore but don't want to hurt him because he loves me so much I don't know what to do either and we have been together for 20 years but I'm so unhappy I don't want to carry on any longer and fake the fact that I want to be with him what do we do the reason I have been feeling this way is cause he has said such hurtful words over the years and the verbal abuse can't be handled anymore

All of you. It has to be hard to them but it has to be done. Yes it may hurt but in the long run you and them will both be happy again and with the children.You are all strong and incredible women that no matter what happens you will make it through!

I know the feeling, my husband is great and we don't have any financial problems but he is full of himself that he can't accept any negative thing no matter how small about him + I am pretty sure that I am not in love with him. I hate is when he asks for sex since I never enjoy it. There is absolutely no chemistry from my behalf and I am living with it for 5 years now. I wish I left before we had our daughter. Now no matter how unhappy with him I am I take a look at her and just bite my tongue and act normal. I would do anything for my daughter including staying in this marriage. Live cried so many times and asked for the courage that will get me out. Sometimes I wish that I catch him cheating on me just so that I could leave without guilt!

I wonder what happened to infinitedreamer? I guess I am in a similar position and glad I found this story and replies, at least I know I am not the only person going through this.

I too want to leave my husband, I have met another man who I feel does and will meet my needs (read my story!) but I'm scared of leaving my Husband of nearly 20 years; I feel a ton of guilt, I hate seeing him broken, and I'm so afraid of making a decision I can not turn back on. Additionally I don't want to lose my opportunity with the OM. I am going round and round in circles...........

I am exactly where you are. I understand you perfectly, and have no answers, but to do everything possible to keep everything peaceful.

wow! thank you ladies! just found out I am not bipolar or depressed or a crazy ***** etc...i am actually normal! But I can tell you, if you are young and able to survive financially, go for it! I divorced my first husband after 4 years ; i was 25 with a 3 y and 1 y old children. Made my life my way, an never regretted it! Now , I am on my third hubby ( no 2 died), am 64 and want out! My husband lost his business, all his money and is now on pension. I have to carry him as my pension is higher. He has become a boring old fart! I want out too! and it will happen! soon!

Well since spending time with my Husband and having no contact with the OM - just to make sure, I am beginning to realise I do only see my Husband as a friend. I think the damage is irreparable - he is trying hard in many practical ways but the love has definitely gone on my part. I realise I could actually leave him just for myself (not for the OM), and that I can see myself in a situation alone if need be. I think that was biggest fear using someone to help me escape! I am giving it a bit more time to be certain of my feelings (as they have been so changeable I dont always trust myself) but if it stays this way I will leave my H. And we will see what happens with the OM but I wont rush into anything, Ill take my time and if its meant to be que sera!

Sounds like you need to pull the trigger. It's big life altering decision though. I hate dealing out heartbreak.
You have the same predicament that my gf was in. She was married, but now divorced and very happy. Her life has totally changed and her attitude towards it as well, is what her friends say.
Just try to find the positive in things (your own self happiness), don't always dwell on the negative (his heartbreak).

I've been unhappily married for 20 years, we dated for 6 months then got married. At first I thought maybe it is because of the distance bcos we were far from each other. After a year when we stayed together in our house, that's where I started blaming myself. He spends his time with friends and comes back home to sleep and drunk. He cheats, and when I complain about that, he says it's culture for a man to have more than one affairs. We do not connect at all. The only time he thinks of me is when he wants us to have sex. I have tried to bottle this thinking that one day he will change, one day he will see that what he is doing is not right. But it hurts and kills me. I moved out of our marriage for 8 months and he called me back saying he needs second chance, but now things are worse. He now sleeps with girls of our daughter's age (she's 19). I want a divorce but I'm scared of his. Bully behaviour. I just don't know what to do.

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

I am in a similar position, i dont feel that spark, or any real connection to him and there is no cuddling, kissing or sex unless i initiate (he said if i need a kiss then i should kiss him) but i dont want to. i too am in financial difficulties, having given up my chance of a career as a chef to look after our 5 month old son, i do EVERYTHING, getting no help from my partner unless i ask. i wrote my partner a letter because its easier to get what you want to say out on paper, have you tried this? I told my partner i need to feel like im in a loving relationship not living as a lodger in my own home!! Partner promised to be more affectionate, think of his family before himself and sort his debts out... anyway long story short its been months later and no change, im ending it.. there is no point hanging on to protect the kids or dont want to hurt him because youre hurting him now and hurting yourself!!! get out and start your life again (life after bad relationship) its not going to be easy and youll worry if youve made the right choice, but after a time youll actually be happy and your son will always know that his parents love him. dont suffer any longer and be brave!

Omg I could've written your post word for word. I'm in exactly the same position right now. I am struggling with telling him I'm not in love with him. It's impossible to find the right time or way.

This is a very old post but I cannot help but add a comment. It is so comforting to know there are other woman who share my feels. All my friends share a loving or at least enjoyable relationship, while mine lacks all of that. I love my husband but I'm not in love with him. I believe I never really had. After thinking about our relationship, I feel that the majority of what I thought was love was just excitement of having someone think I was desirable. We married after only a couple of weeks of dating on the year of my 18th birthday a year later I had a daughter. I love my daughter but I now see her birth as a way to tie me to him. He's a great guy, really. We are just don't fit each other. We argue more then we get along, we don't understand each others way of thinking and find different things funny even aft being married for 5 years. After five years I'm really to call it off. I don't find him sexually attractive and I've realized that subconsciously I avoid being alone with him at home. This isn't something I want my now 3 year old to thing is a healthy relationship and would rather go a head a end it now while she's young. I am more then capable of leaving and providing for myself and my daughter. The only issue is the effects it will have mentally on my husbend. He has never been able to keep a long term relationship, has been married 2 before me and feels that it's "his fault". Which in some ways it is. He has a very unhealthy view of the female role in a house and feels its perfectly fine to critic others. When I finally got the courage up to have a conversation about this, he tells me he killed himself in a dream because he had dreamed I left him. What am I suppose to do with that? Now I feel even more trapped and forced to stay then before. What will happen if I were to leave. I'm so stressed I feel I'LL crack!

I know that this was posted over three years ago, but it has resonated so incredibly with me (as have some of the responses below) that I feel compelled to share my own experience.<br />
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I too am considering leaving my husband. I am not in love with him. I'm not even sure that I ever was. I love him, and by that I mean that I have tremendous affection for him, but I'm not in love with him.<br />
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I am not physically attracted to him at all. I dont think I have ever been physically attracted to him. I think in the early days it was just the excitement of something new, and the comfort that someone wanted me that I confused for attraction. Even then physical intimacy was strained because I just didn't feel a connection with him. Now it's so much worse. I hate the thought of sex with him. During the act, I have sometimes become so angry (at who, I don't know...myself for putting us in this situation?) that I have bitten him while kissing and squeezed some sensitive areas hard. It horrifies me that I would do something like that, but it is an almost primal reaction. <br />
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My husband, like so many of the husbands mentioned here, is a nice guy. He hasn't done anything wrong. Neither of us has been unfaithful. I just don't feel the connection with him. And I think he knows it. Before we got married, I felt like something wasn't right, and I actually tried to break it off. But he was so hurt, and I am such a pleaser, when he asked me to try to make it work I did. We pushed on. After a while I foolishly pushed him to get married, thinking that would cement our relationship and it would feel more right. But it didn't. Even as we were saying our vows I didn't feel right.<br />
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That feeling persisted, but I tried hard to overcome it. A couple of years later, I again decided it was time to call it quits. Again he cried and raged and cried some more, and asked me to try to work it out. Again I relented and forged on.<br />
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We began trying to get pregnant shortly after getting married. We had trouble getting pregnant. Getting pregnant became my new focus, and took my attention away from the problems with our marriage. We tried for 4 years, and finally conceived our beautiful twins via IVF. They are now 3.<br />
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I feel terrible guilt because deep down I have always known that we are not right for each other. But I kept pushing forward...pushing him to get married, working so hard at getting pregnant. And now I just feel like I can't do it anymore. <br />
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It doesn't help that we are under tremendous financial strain. We have overspent and are now living paycheque to paycheque. My husband is quite immature and gets angry and shuts down when we talk about reducing our standard of living (one which has been higher than we can afford) to get our finances in line. He feels at this stage in his life he deserves to have what he wants and not have to sacrifice.<br />
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He is also perpetually unhappy at work. He has worked at several different places during our relationship and after a few years he always gets unhappy and wants to leave. It is so stressful, especially when we're under the financial strain we are.<br />
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So here I am, in an 8 year marriage, with two toddlers, and feeling like I need to get out. I know that this will absolutely break his heart. He has very little support system, no close friends living nearby, and I just don't know how he'll cope. But then I think I need to take care of myself first and stop putting his dependency so high in my priorities.<br />
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I don't know what I will do, but I feel so much better to know that I am not alone in this. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

I am only 28 years old.I have been with my boyfriend for 10 years.we have 2 girls together.they are 4 and nearly 2.I have known for years that I should leave.I give way more than I get.he is depressed and drug addicted and I am dying inside a little more everyday.I come from a broken home so I don't want to do that to my girls.yet I also don't want them to think having a family means forsaking joy.I have anxiety and depression which I'm getting treatment for and my relationship adds to my distress.I ended up in hospital with a nervous breakdown three days before my babies first birthday.I am scared of being alone.I'm scared of how he'd treat me if I left him.I'm scared fullstop.my life isn't anywhere near what I always dreamed it would be.I so badly want to leave because surely life isn't meant to be so sad?he has left me down so badly and so often that I'd be surprised if he did something nice for me.I hope u ladies have found some happiness

My feelings are also running in the same stream, I cannot bear the negligence, blaming attitude and fly away thought of my husband . I am married for 7 years and presnet is as same as 1st day of my marriage. He never discusses any thing with me or cares for me, for anything I need to pleade, he takes pride in running the house, and insults me when I don't have a job inspite of me being a Postgraduate and he a school passout. I support him financially since he has a meagre job. I had a forced marriage and it left bitterness with my parents and siblings, I just help them when they need me otherwise they are unresponsive with my life and don't care for me. My husband portrays goody, when I speak to him for not caring me and goes a long way to helpout, care and share time with others especially my family he fights alot with me, we hardly speak 10 sentences in a day, he goes to work early morning and comes back around 8 pm, changes his clothes and goes to my house, when we were living in his town he would go to his siblings, friends house leaving me alone. We hardly stay husband and wife in bed,<br />
but he says he cares for me and loves me but do not show any respect, care or affection. He blames me if I speak out to him of his responsibility and end up with seperation, He never stays with me all the day except for nights just to sleep no intimacy nothing. Though I entered marriage 7 years ago with pain, I gave all the respect and care he needed. days had been the same . We don't have kids but seldom cares to provide the trreatment I needed. I'm not able to live with him from day 1 of my marriage since I didnot have the involvment getting married, but compromised with the life and fought with emotions and financial issues, though he is a nice person he lied to my parents rearding his education and business and got me married, and I do not have the right to question this. days are filled with emptiness not willing to have a uncaring, lonely life.

I dont know what to do, im 22 years old i have a 1 year old daughter, and im not in love with my boyfriend. Its hard ya know, im such a people pleaser and its funny because when i see my situation i know what i have to do but i cant.<br />
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I got pregnant early in our relationship and i decided i didnt want to get married, hes a doctor so i stayed in the same city and he left 1 hour away to start his residency. We never shared the pregnancy so he really knows nothing about it...When i was coming to my due date i quit my job and school to go live with him. The day before i had my daughter i found out that he had cheated on me. He obviously said that it only happened once and that he was really drunk but it really changed my life. I WAS SOOOOOO IN LOVE WITH HIM, so much that i had quit my life to start it over with him. I have tried to get over it and try and work things out for our daughter but im just not in love anymore. <br />
The more i think of our relationship the more depressed it makes me, we kiss once a day when he leaves for work, we are rarely intimate not to mention his *Sexual Problems* but i just cant live like this. I want to love him like i did at first but he broke my heart and my life. <br />
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I want my daughter to grow up with her mom and dad, and i want him to be happy but i know i will never be able to be happy with him anymore. I dont know what to do, im stuck between how i am always and my happiness! I just wish i could build the courage to tell him, i mean he broke my love for him, and theres no way to fix it.