Not Sure If I Can
I have not been in love with my husband for at least 8 years (since about our 2nd year in marriage). I love him, but the love has morphed into a more brotherly-type love. I'm not attracted or connected to him anymore. And we've been in financial crisis for a few years, so that hasn't helped matters. Especially when he is largely responsible for it.
Things have just been really bad for the past few weeks. I've gotten to where I don't even want to be around him. And of course he asked me what was wrong with me. So I told him. I told him that I wasn't in love with him anymore and that I wasn't happy with our marriage and that I hadn't been happy in a very long time.
I had been so dead set that that was it. After that conversation, it was going to be over between us. But to see the look on his face when I told him, it was so completely heartbreaking. He asked me to try to make it work, at least for the next few months not just because he couldn't bear the thought of losing me, but because the thought of not being able to see his son everyday absolutely crushes him.
If I had only one wish in the world, it would be to love him passionately the way I need to love and be loved. I don't want to break his heart. But I also know that deep down that my feelings aren't going to change. I just can't foresee him being able to make my heart skip a beat when I see him, or feel the wanting to talk to him when he comes home from work. I can't see us having fun on a date or holding each other late into the night. But most of all, I can never see him understanding me.
I'm going to try, as he has asked me. I am truly going to try to put my heart and soul into it, but I am so doubtful. How can 8 years of falling out of love be fixed? How can I bury feelings of resentment that have been building year after year?
But if after several months of trying, and nothing has changed, I have this fear that I am not going to be able to leave him. I have a feeling that I will not be able to break his heart. I will not be able to take his son from him. I am fairly certain that I will continue to live in unhappiness simply because I cannot bear the heartbreak of hurting him this way.
I am so scared of what the future holds. I am scared to still be in this same situation with these same feelings 5 or 10 years down the road. I am scared that I won't be able to do what is right. I am scared for my son's future because neither broken parents nor unhappy parents are healthy for him.
I just don't know what to do. I wish for once the decision could be easy.