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Why Is Love Not Enough?

ok. this is going to be a long and difficult process.

My husband and I started dating when I was 17. We married when I was 20. I am now 23 and regretful.

How can I be regretful? how can I hate my husband but love him at the same time?

I love him so so much. I really want to spend the rest of my life with him but I cant see us being together, having kids or growing old together.

I am miserable. I hate him.

so confused. so young. I made a mistake.

He control all the money, he controls who I hang out with, talk to, where I go and who with.

Even as i am sitting here typing this he is asking me why I am not at the TV with him. He is saying what the H*ll can be so interesting at the computer. Mind you, he is a computer nerd.he spends a major part of his day on the computer and if I say something to him it is always "i bored of watching TV"

I am 23... I like to go outdoors and live. He is 27 he wants to be 50 years old right now (admittedly)

He has actually said that.  its bed at 9 and awake at sun up. everyday. im 23 for goodness sake.

We are complete opposites. complete. I don't know how i didn't see it before. He uses guilt to control me if I want to go out with friends. or he will say he doesn't trust them to "keep an eye on me" because they are a little promiscuous and they will push guys on me.

I ask him if he trust me not to do anything with another guys and he says yes. But in the same sentence he says he doesnt trust my friend and thinks they will try to hook me up with some guy. How does that work?

Anyhow. I want to leave him. I have sooooo much love for him. But i really feel like a bird in a cage.

I want to tell him all this, I want to tell him how much I cant be with him. How do I do that?

This has racked my mind for the last 9 months. We dont have kids so there is nothing holding me back. How do you tell a man that you love him and hate him at the same time. That you want to spend the rest of your life with him but cannot stand the thought of it at the same time.

I want to be single. I want to be able to leave without the 20 questions. I want to feel like an adult instead of a child that needs to be looked after and taken care of all the time. I miss having my own apartment and my own life.

I feel consumed. I feel like I cannot be myself and there is nothing that will ever stop it. Consumed in him. This is HIS relationship. not mine.

 

ugh. I just want to leave and not say anything. Just go far far away. Unfortunately he controls every aspect of my life. I dont even have friends of my own. nope. They all left me because of him. All of my friends are his. I have no one to talk to about Imy frustrations.

 

I need someone to tell me how. please tell me how. I am so lost and alone.

 

myhdsol myhdsol 22-25, F 3 Responses Sep 8, 2009

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You should just leave. I have been in that kind of marriage for 18 years and am going to get out now. I am so mad at myself for not leaving sooner!! 18 years waisted! I am 35 now and have 4 kids. But nothing has changed! He will never trust you no matter how hard you try!

It sounds like he's insecure and controlling! First of all if you're not sure tell him you want to just separate for a bit. If he loves you he'll wait. Second, you might need to save up money to get your own place. If you don't have a job due to lack of transportation find a place you could get to by walking. Also, getting out of the house for a job is a very good excuse to have some time away from him and a good way to meet new friends. Maybe the best thing to do is to tell him how you feel.

Can you move back home for a while maybe while you figure out how to live on your own? I understand that love is not enough but I haven't figured out how to get out of my cage either. So much confusion out there!