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I Tried So Hard

I want to leave my husband.  My family has made it very clear that I've made my bed and now I have to lie in it.  I have always wished they were more supportive and reliable.  I guess that is what set me up for my "bed" that I now get to reside in....

I met him when I was around 13.  I just knew that I wanted to be with him.  When I was 16 we started to date.  We broke up for a year and a half when I was 18 and got back together.  We married after living together for 2 years and have been married for 9 years.

I knew he was not good at keeping track of a bank account.  I was very good at it and handled the finances.  That worked out well until debit cards were given to us.  He would use them with out telling me and it would cause bills to not be paid on time... checks to bounce, finance charges to add up... what a mess.  I would fix our finances and he'd mess them up. 

The lies started after we got married.  I don't know why and he said he didn't know why he started, but he can't seem to stop.  Or won't stop... I don't know...  He's lied about everything... money, going out/where he was... stupid things like when did he last do a chore he agreed to do...  I don't know what to believe anymore. 

He has caused a lot of serious problems in our lives.  I've taken the fall for things he's done.  Not that I wanted to... that was just how it worked out.  I feel so scarred and damaged.  Like emotional whips have been lacerating my soul for the past 9 years we've been married.  
 

Yes, the whole 9 years we've been married... cuz he stopped working with me and started lying to me after we got married.  He's not one for holidays, either, so most of those 9 years he never remembered my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, Valentines... nothing.  If I didn't work hard to make Thanksgiving and Christmas somewhat special for our kid... there'd be nothing.  I remember her birthday and do special things for her.

His financial irresponsibility has caused us to go into foreclosure.  This is the second time we are in this situation.  It was less severe the first time.  He hid it from me both times.  Only this time we're over 8 months behind.  I'm so tired. 

What kills me is I've tried SO hard.  I've tried to reason with him.  I've tried explaining what his lies do to our relationship... how his not doing his part for the relationship would dimish us more and more... how irresponsibility would affect us...  He's 35 and I feel like he's as responsible as an 8 year old.  I don't understand!!!!!  

He says that me and our daughter are everything to him, but he keeps sabotaging us!  He's not been that great of a dad, either.  When she was a toddler I had caught him watching prorn on his computer while she was in the same room.  I yelled at him for that and recently (years later) I caught him ************ in the kitchen.  She was in another room and to be fair I saw nothing due to where he was and he was already mostly covered - so I saw no skin - I only know what he was doing because I'm aware of such things... but still... come on... WTF!!?? I flipped about that, too.  I have to keep reminding him to spend time with his daughter.  I consider him asexual since he never comes to me for such things.... I know the exact date my daughter was conceived ... because we so rarely were intimate.  After this kitchen incident I asked again why this was... why we are so rarely intimate as husband and wife are meant to be and he told me it wasn't" worth the effort to come to [me] for sex."  This devastated me and shredded any remaining feelings I had left for him.  I felt hurt and then numb.  He rarely slept in my bed anyway, so I just made it official.. it's my room and my bed and he can have the spare room.  And I told him he didn't have to worry about me nagging him for intimacy any more.

I feel like I'm the only responsible person and everything is always on my shoulders.  I'm exhausted.  I have no support.  We no longer live where we grew up as he was military and we'd moved away.  So, friends are in a huge shortage for me.  I had no choice but to give up my degree, so I have 4 years of college with no degree.  (I had to switch from German to Linguistics as my major, so I needed another year and a half, and could not afford to continue with out financial assistance for tuition... )  

I worked hard to get myself that far in college... I was already burnt out from jobs and full time school and tuition raising every year!  You'd be surprised how a 200$ a year increase makes it harder and harder until it was impossible to pay for tuition.  Especially when a parent refuses to fill out financial aid papers out of spite because you wanna get married and "take away" that parent's child support money.... that I never saw a dime of... I had a back injury that has grown worse as I've gotten older from previous jobs.  I never knew to record such a thing and did not.  I can't get disability for this now.  (Also, one of the jobs I'd worked at was off the books the other was on the books)

 

I'm so soooo tired of struggling and fighting for my life.  I'm tired of trying and feeling like I'm fighting an uphill battle. 

I want to leave my husband.  I have no friends to move in with.  I have no family willing to help me.  I have no where to go... no one willing to help... no job... no assets... no degree.

I trusted my husband so completely.  I loved him so much.  I'm appalled that it's come to this.  He's been neglectful and irresponsible to the point of severe harm to our little family.  We are in financial jeopardy ....again... and I have been having daily panic attacks from all the stress and worry.  (I didn't have a great childhood -either, so in my defense ... I was stronger and able to handle more, but my resilience   has greatly diminished with each major issue that has come up and has been incessantly bombarded with all the minor issues that have been going on throughout my life... )

I need help.  I feel awful for saying that.  I need a miracle.  I need to be able to raise my kid and support her and I and I don't know how.  I live in an area where tolerance is low and resources are found only in churches where no thoughts but like thoughts are ok.  I'm scared and lonely and in great emotional pain.  

I want to leave my husband, but I have no resources.  

I guess I will have to keep searching until I find a way.  
 

 
Silenthope Silenthope 31-35, F 4 Responses Oct 4, 2009

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Since October 2009, I had started to lose my mind a bit. It's frightening when you can understand why people do horrific things. Basically, being ignored and feeling unheard by my husband was making me batty. HE's the one who needs to hear me and understand and try to work with me to fix the problems, but he wasn't listening.



When I'd called my father and told him this just after Thanksgiving, he listened and offered sympathy. A week later he called back and invited my daughter and I up to NY for a visit and time away from my husband. The time did wonders and I felt much more at peace. Even my mom being a ***** to me towards the end of my trip didn't dampen the good the trip did for me. Luckily I didn't see my mom, it was only over the phone. :-D



I came home with a plan to pay off some bills and get a job I could do from home and save money and go from there. My husband has been going to therapy, but he doesn't tell the therapist the really important details and tends to avoid any topic that is not comfortable. So, I don't see how that's helping at all!



I experienced a set back when I was rear-ended. I am in physical therapy and recovering. No one else was with me in the car at the time - thankfully!!



Thanks for your interest!

silent hope what has happened since october 2009?

Could you pass the information of where you work? I've tried to find virtual jobs before, but they were all scams! If I could work at home and actually have benefits that would help me leave my husband!!! I have no other options at the moment, so this would be a huge help!



Thanks so very, very much!!!!

OMG. Your story is so painful. I don't know what words to use to help -- but I don't want you to think you're not being heard.



Please don't give up! I don't know where you are, or what your job situation is, but there ARE options. I work for a company that hires people in various states, to work from home doing sales or customer service. It's full-time work, with benefits, overtime, and a bonus structure. We also have a generous tuition reimbursement program.



There are tons of other companies out there with similar virtual work structures. You may want to investigate this type of employment. It would free you to move to a location with a lower cost of living, and you could take advantage of the tuition reimbursement benefit to complete your degree and expand your earning potential.



Hang in there, while life is certainly dealing you a bad hand at the moment, you're stronger than you think you are. We have to be for the little ones depending on us. Best of luck to you!