I'm To Willing To Help.

I fell in love with my 2nd husband the first time I saw him. I was married at the time. I didn't do anything about it until after I divorced my 1st husband.

My 1st husband is an alcoholic and drug abuser. He also has a personality disorder. He was very needy and for years I just wanted to help him and make things better. I tried until I thought I was going to loose my mind. Seriously, I was making myself mentally ill trying not to give up but I was lonely and so unhappy. I finally left him.

Very soon after I started dating my 2nd husband. He was broke and divorced with four children. I was there for him. I wanted to help. I supported the family the best I could because he was paying a boat load of child support and I knew he couldn't afford to do much.

He took and still takes total advantage of that. Our kids are grown and he makes 12,000 more a year than I do but I'm the one carrying the heaviest load. I've shown him how much I am paying and he gets irritated with me. After 10 years of marriage we have separate checking accounts. It's not so much the money as it is that I am so stressed over bills and he does nothing to help.

Now his father lives with us. He has dementia. I again want to do everything I can to help. It makes me feel good and it's family that's what you should do correct. He lets me do it all. He spends little or no time with his father and gets irritated with his needs. This has tells me that if I ever get sick he won't be there for me.

He has four kids that he says he loves dearly but he never calls them. He doesn't support them physically or mentally. They are grown now but over the years I can tel you those kids grew up fatherless.

It seems anything that takes time or energy is not worth the effort. He wants to sit back and allow others to handle life and the energy it takes to deal with it.

I keep going after people who are needy. I've been like this with friends and family all my life. It took me years to figure out I'm the one putting myself through all my difficulties because I'm always looking to help people. If you're in need you soon become my life and my best friend.

Thank God my 2nd husnband and I didn't have children. We have a house we own together. I need to sell this house because I want to leave but I want to leave with as little to argue about as possible. Plus neither on of us can afford to pay for the house on our own.

I don't want to be someones main support system anymore. I feel that I have allowed myself to be taken advantage of all my life. I so want to be there for people but I keep meeting people who suck the life out of me and give nothing in return.


Anyways I needed to tell someone and talk. I need someone to lean on because I'm very tired and need to rest.

Apples1 Apples1
3 Responses Oct 9, 2009

Your life is so similar to mine, my second husband also has 4 children and I have helped him soo much financially but he doesnt see any of it.We have a wonderful little boy together thats 3 and loves his dad dearly.He is the reason i hesitate on leaving him. My husband has a problem with alcohol but can't or doesn't want to admit it. We have had numerous fights when he's drunk and I want out but its so difficult because i want to help him get better. He's 31 and i am 29

I, like you, am readying myself to leave my husband once as for all. It makes me incredibly sad becaus I love him with all my heart, but like you, I've allowed various abuses of my finances, my emotions, and my physical self all because I believed he had "problems" and that if I just held on long enough he would realize all I'd done for him and been through for him and would change. I believed that my unwavering love and commitment would change him or that he'd love me enough to change FOR me. He'd WANT to.
Before I was a strong, independent, driven person. I never believed any of this cpuld happen to me. I know now that I'm co-dependent; I need to be needed. I like to take care of people which has always made me a good friend, but with my husband it or out of hand. He took advantage of this trait and I allowed him too because I was so desperately in love. I won't chronicle all the times he lied to me, stole from me, ran off with his ex-girlfriend for days or weeks, or the heartbreak I felt when I found out he had two teenage children he'd never mentioned. I fought on trying to keep us together because I LOVED him and I believed he loved me just as much, he just had problems to overcome.
After six years together, however, I've had enough. He's not really doing anything "wrong" at the moment, so this isn't a decision I'm making from a place of pain or desperation (and there have been plenty), but a choice I'm making for my future. Before him, I was so spirited; I loved life and people and was working hard to become an actress and musician. We fell in love while playing music together so I thought everything would e perfect and that he would help my budding career since he was older as more experienced. Instead, I had to give it all up to work long hours supporting him, and found I had trouble writing in the free time I did have because he was always at home. I'd always lived alone before and now I rarely had 5 minutes to myself. The one time we did pursue a band again, I put a year and a half of time and money into the project only to have him walk out with his ex and their substance abuse issue the moment we began playing shows. That band was the one thing that made me happy again and gave me hope and he took it from me as casually as one plucks an apple from a tree.
I have a different career goal now - I want to go into medicine. It's going to take years of work and my complete focus and dedication. I hate the job I've had these past few years but couldn't quit because it was the only way I could support us both and deal with the seemingly endless financial emergencies he caused. I have to change as I have to do it soon, before I get any older. My life and career have been stagnant in almost every way since I began seeing my husband. I spent six years completely consumed with taking care of him and our relationship and quit taking care of myself. I'll always love him and wish we could be friends, because it breaks my heart to imagine never seeing him again. It breaks my heart even more though to think if I stay I could waste my entire life for another person.
I feel like a butterfly whose wings were torn off and tossed away, but I think I've found them again and I'm going to start sewing them back on and make sure that they're too strong to ever be pulled off again!

If you still need a friend... I am here to talk... remember that your saying "you" keep meeting people... when you meet them you know what your getting with them yet you continue on with them... you want to feel needed... you need to feel needed... its going to take you changing your behavior for there to be a chance for a different type of relationship whether it be with your current relationship or your future relationship... anyways if you still need to talk... I am here :)