I Don't Know What To Say......

We've been married 6 1/2 years.  We got married the summer we graduated from college.  Totally in love.  Completely in lust.  Nothing could harm us.  Nothing could stop us.

We had a great first year of marriage.  We both got great jobs.  Lived in a great apartment in a surfing city in Southern California.  We surfed, partied, lived 'the life.'  It was great.  Until we realized, "if we don't do something crazy now, we're gonna wake up some day with kids and a house and a minivan and our live will be over!!!!"  So we took all we had, bought a 1-way plane ticket and moved to Hawaii. 

We had about $1000.  No family in Hawaii.  No friends.  No job.  No home, apartment.  Nothing.  We went into SOOOO much debt.  We really struggled at times.  But about 3 months into our Hawaiian adventure, we conceived our first son. 

To be honest, I didn't want to keep him.  We actually had an appointment to terminate the pregnancy.  I was 100% ready to go through with it.  I knew we were so young.  We weren't ready.  We had no money, no solid job, no home... how could we do this????? 

But, the night before our abortion appointment, my husband talked me out of it.  Our first son was born in Oct 2005.  And our life hasn't been the same since.

We both worked hard to pay for life.  We had a crappy apartment, we both worked in restaurants.  After a while my husband got an office job.  After a year off with the baby I started work at the same company. 

4 months later we moved back to CA.  It was my choice.  I wanted to be back on the mainland, closer to family, a shorter plane ride home.  I wanted to be back HOME.  My husband felt like Hawaii was his home.  He wanted to stay in the islands. 

We both got jobs in San Diego, CA.  Our son went to daycare at a lady's house.  After a while, he went to preschool.  Soon I became pregnant with our second son.  When he was born, I took a few months off to be with him.  They were paid maternity days, so our income didn't' change too much. 

My office, however, closed down in May 2009 due to the economy.  I got laid off.  Now, I'm home with both boys: 4.5yr and 18mo.  My husband works to support us.  But we're BARELY making it.  We live in a small 2 bedroom/1 bath apartment on a BUSY street corner.  The boys share a room, have no yard or patio to play in. 

I can't afford to get a job that pays enough to cover childcare.  I've been applying to jobs for over a year now!  Seriously about 10 every week.  All of them are NO GO. 

My husband gets so mad that I don't make any money.  That he is the only one supporting the family.  He says he's so stressed about paying bills and rent and everything.  I WANT a job.  I apply to so many all the time.  I follow up.  I do what I can.  I can't give myself a job!! 

I know he's stressed.  But he's SOOOOO selfish!!!!  I hate him at times!!  I feel like he wants me to be perfect!  Like, he wants me to be this cute little college girl he married.  No, I don't have a perfect stomach.  No, my boobs aren't as perky as they once were.  Yes, I'm still young, and yes, I'd LIKE to be like I was (physically) a few years ago.  But we have two adorable boys that I made and fed and cared for, so yes, I've changed!!!  Get over it!!!  Appreciate me for who I am!!!!

He says that I'm "dead."  That I'm not who I was.  If that's true, it's because of him!!!  I want to do so many things.  The boys don't stop me.  I want to go to he beach?  Cool!  Let's take the boys.  Camping, great!  Let's go as a family!  Shopping, downtown, hiking, movies, whatever it is, I can, and want to, do it with my boys!

They have made my life better, not worse.  However whenever we go shopping as a family my husband always seems SO Stressed!!  Like, grocery shopping couldn't be ANY WORSE with two whining, crying boys!!!!  Oh, believe me, it CAN be worse.  They could be throwing up or breaking things or screaming.  Crying, whining, that I can deal with.  :)

I am just SO SICK of him not appreciating me for what I do!!!  And for who I am!!  And for who he married!!  And for EVERYTHING we've been through!!!!!!!!

I haven't even told you the worst part...........

When I was 9 months pregnant with his second son, he cheated on me.  Not "kissed some girl at a club" but actually slept with multiple women on several occasions!!

It's so embarrassing to think about (and to talk about!!).  I didn't tell ANYONE I know.  Not my mom, my sisters, my best friend, NO ONE.

It started about 2 weeks before his second son was born.  I guess I wasn't attractive enough for him.  Or I wasn't "doing it" for him.  He slept with one girl twice (that he told me).  And then there was another girl.  Named Stephanie.  He slept with her MULTIPLE TIMES!!!

He actually confronted me when our son was 1 month old, saying he'd been cheating on me and that he couldn't handle it any more and that he was leaving me.  And there was nothing I could do.  It was over. 

Oh, and this was 4 days before our oldest son's 3rd birthday!  I had to throw his party and have our "family birthday dinner" without DAD!!!!  He was too busy ******* another woman! 

When he told me what he was doing and that he was cheating... instead of wanting to make it better and saying he was sorry, he moved out of our apartment.  And moved in with this other woman for three weeks!

I did everything myself.  It was the worst three weeks of my life. 

We got in one big fight, ended up saying a lot of things that were on our mind that we never talked about, and "made up." 

Since then we've been TRYING to make things work. 

It's been a year and a half since he confronted me about his cheating and moved out.  I still think about it every day.  I can't get over it.  I can't stop thinking about the other women he was with when he left me.  It's going to happen again.  I just feel it.  I don't think he loves me.  As much as I want it to work, I just don't see it happening. 

And, one big difference between him and me: I KNOW that we got married young.  I KNOW we weren't ready for kids.  But I'm willing to do what it takes, anything at all, and make it work.  No matter what.  I want to fight for this family.  Fight for our relationship.  Stay together through thick and thin.  Hell, that's why I married him, because I love him.  However, He has given up.  He doesn't care.  I can see it in his day to day.  I can feel it when we "make love."  I know he's already given up. He doesn't care. 

Why should I???

I want my kids to grow up in a stable home.  One with a mother and father.  One like the home I grew up in.  Divorce isn't an option in the neighborhood I grew up in.  It's just not done.  You work it out, you get over it, you make it work no matter what!  But, I can't do it alone!!!

And, if things DON'T work out, WHAT WILL I DO?????

He really DOES hold me back in SOOOOOO Many Ways!!!  I want SO many things out of life that he's stopping me from.  There are SO many things I would do if he wasn't here. 

There are a lot of pros and cons for leaving him.  I just don't know what to do???!!!???!!!

Where2GoNow Where2GoNow
26-30, F
Feb 20, 2010