I Waited Too Long And Too Much To Overcome

I married a recovering alcoholic in 1988. I didn't really know what that meant. I thought that meant he used to have a problem and now he's better. No longer broken, if you may?

I came to the marriage with two kids under 5, and held a good job in management. I contirbuted financially.  I don't believe he ever cheated while we dated for the 2+ years prior to the marriage.  I was faithful to him , as I was to my first husband. 

We went through fight after fight for the first three years, he would leave regualrly and blame me for for pressuring him to change into someone he wasn't.  I rarely asked him to financilally carry my kids and asked very little of him when it came to their needs. I put him first all too many times and succomb to financial ruin many times because of his lack of responsibility.

In 1993 we had a terrible fight and he left (again). This time it appeared he really was gone. It was that very morning I took a pregnancy test and found I ws pregnant. Mind you I had already had an abortion because of his verbal cruelty and lack of respnsiblity over the years.  This time I was not going to sacrafice another inncoent baby for him and chose to keep it.  We met a few times during the period of separation. I agreed that if he could grow up, we could get back together and raise our child together. He wanted no part of me, and began a relationhsip with a woman I had met once, years ago.

During this very difficult time apart, he had many one night stands, while he had a relationship with this woman. And would try to get back into my bed, into my life for selfish reasons.  I gave birth to an adorable little boy and came home alone. It was a very sad time for me, with lots of melodrama, (ie: late night calls and drunken appearances in the middle of night)..  I got my pre-pregnancy figure back and began feeling better about myself once more. I didn't date, eventhough I was asked out. Becuase I believed it was adultery.And I didn't really want my life to be complicated like that, during that time in our lives.

Well when our son was 6 months old he started coming back around and wanting to be a family. He left his job as ap police officer and pledged to start out with a clean slate. I didn't ask him to make a career change, it was forced on him because of steriod abuse. He was big into body building and sports. When our son was almost a year old, my husband did something really stupid and we (both our names ) ended in the newspapers and on the local news. I was aksed to leave my job. I left in humilation.

Years went by with one problem after another. He gave his life over to God to fix and made signifiant headway. There were still little things that were him and I tried so hard to just look past them. He is a bigot and has said things that are unsavory and put us at risk on occasion. Very embarrassing at times too.

So in the past few years, times woudl get better than back to the same oold stuff. IN 2008 My husband became ill and was unable to work, he is now on disability. I have waited all these years to have a friend and a campanion for pre-retirement years. We are almost empty nesters. I am 50 years old, consider myself to be attractive, kind and sensitive.

My husband is in consistant need of help or attention now and I still carry a full time stress filled job, with a teenager at home. He can do no houseowrk, he sleeps on the couch because it too hard to get upstairs to the bedroom. Almost all his time is spent watching TV, and eating.  He has no sense of reality and expects me to fulfill his insiecurities and desires.  I am not attractted to him at all, for two reasons. Those being: one the hormonal things change and the sex drive isn't want it used to be, the other;  he just doens't do it for my anymore. I need to make it known; I don't want anyone else and there is no one else in my life.

I feel very stuck and hate my life!  I am a Christain and always told myself during those terrrible years of active drinking and so on, "Thru sickness and health, thru ricehr or poorer, Til death do us part."  But I AM DYING!

Our teenaged son avoids his dad and tried to not have him involved in his life because of the medication side affects, verbal abuse, strange reactions and laziness.  My husband is on moriphine, oxycotin, lyrica and symbalta for fibromyalgia and spainl injuries. The injuries he got while drinking & brawling. 

He consistantly brings up old memories of drug abuse and hounds my son to avoid it all costs. To the point he acts as though it is a standard lifestyle for eveyone growing up. None of the kids drank or did drugs. My husabnad says that all secular music will drive people to having sexual desires and party. 

My life is crazy and I want out. If I tell him to leave, I'll be the bad guy, since he's ill. What do I do. I can't take it. I just wantt to be alone and have peace.

I just can't make myself love him anymore. We have been to so many counselors I've lost count. I feel it is a helpless situation. But I'll be the be the bad guy if I want it over.  What do I do    ...............................     HELP!

yogibearmama yogibearmama
46-50, F
Mar 3, 2010