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I Want to Let Go...of Him

He was like a ray of sunshine in my life. We were both married to other people, but he was my best friend for 8 years. We shared everything, our dreams, our hopes, our deepest fears, adventures, laughter, tears. We fought for and inspired one another. He used to say that his life was better because of me.

One day a year ago everything changed. It was sudden, drastic, totally unforeseen. I said the wrong thing to the wrong person, it was misinterpreted and misjudged, and like crazy dominoes, one by one everything that was good and solid and loving about this very special friendship collapsed. Literally overnight, he decided he didn't want to be alone with me ever again. It felt like my life was ending.

He also promised me that once we worked through our issues, our relationship would be so much clearer, and we'd ultimately be so much closer.  And I clung to that. I'm still clinging. And it's killing me. Because in this past year we have only drifted further and further apart. He's like a stranger to me now. He won't see me, but he phones me every week, and in the voice that used to be so gentle and warm there is a coldness I hardly recognize. It's as if he hates me, but he can't quite let go of me himself, so he'll torture me with his coldness until I tell him to get out of my life.

And I know at this stage it is what I have to do. I have to let him go. I wish I understood exactly what happened, what went wrong: is it that he really changed, or that I entirely misread him all along? And from a spiritual standpoint, what was the point of it all? Maybe it takes this much pain in order to grow, to "awaken". Or maybe I'm just looking for answers in order to hang on. 

I do have a question that I'm wondering if anyone out there has any thoughts about. Is it possible to let someone go, and to be close to them at the same time? (Maybe that's the only way to truly be close?) The two seem mutually exclusive to me, but I want both. I want my friend, my soulmate, back in my life...and I want to let him go so that this relationiship is never running my life this way again.

I've changed my phone number this week so that he can never call me again. And I will never spend another day sitting by the phone, waiting, yearning to see his name across the screen, a little terrified whenever I do. It's my first real step to letting him go. Is this really the only way to end this pain? 

Shells109 Shells109 36-40, F Mar 12, 2008

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