I Want to Live Again , Without the Pain

Many people see what I seem to be but only some know who I am , Most of the people that surround me think I can face anything that I fear nothing ,  Through the years I have learned how to hide my true self.

I have been hurt, disappointed and betrayed ,  I was always crying on the inside, My soul is always reaching out for someone ,  I never wanted to be like this ,  I want to show the world who I really am , I want to show everybody that I also cry and that I also get scared   But I can't ,  Something inside me can't let go of the pain and those dreadful memories of my past ,  I know theres a lot of people out there who has suffered more than I have and yet they were able to let go and live happily ,  I just can't seem do it  ,  I can't let go of those burdens ,  My past taught me lessons and I can't let my guard down , Everyday I feel like I'm slowly dying,

 I am just so numb. I can smile and laugh but that doesn't mean that  I'm always happy ,  I am scared that I will never get the chance to experience life again, I'm scared that I may not be able to trust and love again ,  Everytime I am close to trusting or loving someone I push them away , I don't want to go through the same pain I went through before because maybe this time I won't be able to make it through , I don't want someone to walk out on me again , So before they do that I walk out on them , If there's anyone who has the right to hurt me - it's me.  

I know in my heart that I need and want someone  that would stay even If I tell him to leave , Someone who will follow me when I walk out of his life , Someone who will say "everything's going to be okay", someone who will teach me how to trust people again and someone who will love me unconditionally , If I could just forget some of the things from my past then I know I could live a happy life , I have almost everything I have ever wanted ,  I have 2 awesome little boys and the best friends anyone could ask for , now the only thing left is to find that special someone to share my life with and live life to it's fullest and to learn to stop pushing people away , and to live the fairy tale life of being  happily  ever after .

               ~ Beautiful Disaster ~

41-45, F
7 Responses Oct 18, 2006

No matter how hurt how bad don't give up don't give in.Life is short Romance great for every hurt and trust issue we sometimes forgetting happy joyful lust for life feelings equal in number much more important

I feel yor word and your pain. I've been in those shoes and I'm paying for it everyday still. You know it's sad that others can destroy something so big in others lives and not care a bit.

At the risk of soundn like a hypocrite i want to tell u jus learn 2 love ur self .even though i know it is the quote rite thing 2 tell u i find it hard to do.truth is i am an infant myself when it comes to dis i think u r at d rite place though u no d problem n whats not rite n seekn to learn n do what is . Peace love,and good fortune2 u

Sometimes, we come to a door, were the packages we have with us won't fit. That can be a very good thing. To leave things behind. Or let some events fall away from us. Sometimes an attitude of gratefullness, has the power to do just that. Let certain circumstances or events get lost, become insignificent. It can be better that way. You need to release some chains that are still clinging to your spirit. Rise above these issues, and you will start to soar. Some of your life events need to be under your feet, not carried on your shoulder. Again, focus on the healing and restoration your heavely father wants for you. But, whatever your choice, please do not mistake him for your earthly ones, they failed you horribly. I know warriors get wounded, but focus on the healing. That is the only path you should be on.

If you imagine yourself living life to the fullest, how many of those things can you do before you find that special someone?<br />
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Sometimes we need to be in the right place and the right time to find what we're looking for, after all.<br />
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And happiness draws happiness into itself, methinks.

Quit standing on your own foot! You got dealt a few bad hands. Ask yourself if it's YOUR fault! If NOT-move on. You can't get wet if you don't get into the pool-remember to test the water temp FIRST!

i understnad where you are coming from and i support your decision! will you g ot o my group and read my stuff plz! thanx<br />