Dream Of A Previous Life

I was born in 1950 in Pretoria, although from the first second of my life I was doomed to suffer, is it because of my previous life, I lived or just a consequence that I suffer for so many years.
The first three months of my life was hell as my mother always said, Yellow jaundice was also killing me, and on top of that I did not want to take the bottle, nor her breast, some days my mother got something in me, therefore I just made it up to three months when my mother took me from a distance of about three meters and threw me onto the bed and said, Flippie If you want to die then just go, I love you but I can not see you suffer so much, so darling son you are free to go. Just as she turned away a voice came loud and clear. Rensie why don’t you try just one more time? She stood still and felt the hair standing up on her neck and turned around where I was lying smiling at her. When she picked me up and put the bottle to my mouth I just drank and drank, after the second bottle I fell asleep for Hours. In addition my troubles did not stop there, my mother use to say I will sleep for one Hour and will start screaming like someone getting murdered, little did she know that I had the same dream over and over every day.
Only when I was three years of age, never been to a bioscope I could remember what I was dreaming. Over and over I would dream of an incident in Germany where I was digging into the ground with many men around me, some of them were dead and some of them were shooting at a spot straight in front of us where men with funny helmets on were situated, ( Only later in my life I found out that they were Germans) First my friend next to me was shot dead, and then all the others were killed. I then tied a piece of cloth to my rifle and held it up. The three men not far from me, next to a blown up tree were laughing very loud as they were pointing their rifles at me. At that point of time my body went very cold as if the life was drained out of me, all the time they were laughing and made me feel at that point of time very empty.
The one man with a pointy hat stood up, loosened the catch on his Lugar’s holster, put his one foot on the tree stump in front of him and said something I could not understand. My hand froze on the could steel of my own pistol

knowing that I don’t have any bullets in it, a feeling of numbness came over my own body, I wanted to run but the man coming now in my way with his eyes freezing cold, locked on my own. As he came and stood a meter away from me, as he lifted the Lugar out of the holster.

I froze even more as he lifted the Lugar my wife and two kids faces lock in my mind and a feeling of helplessness came over me, my thoughts ran wild, because I wished more than anything to have another chance. Things like If only there were no children, was my biggest fear because what would happen to them? Then I wanted to ask him not to shoot me, but no sound wanted to come out of my mouth, tears ran freely down my cheeks as I witnessed the flash on the tip of his Lugar in his hand which now jerked up, the slug hit me between my eyes, a hot feeling goes through my head as my head jerked back. My body feels numb and just as fast as the slug hit me, the darkness came over me. Then! All of a sudden there I saw myself lying over my friend next to me, I wanted to go back, but with a force I can’t explain I was drawn away. Since I was three years old I could never stomach any German movies. I hate watching German Wold War clips out of the real war movies they show us on TV. Since I was three years of age I dreamed this dream almost every night till I was ten years of age, after that only now and than. I normally wake up with cold sweats just after I get drawn away out of the picture then relive the complete dream while my eyes are open.
Today after 61 years I don’t get the dream so much but the last part of the dream came true because me and my wife don’t have any children at all as that was my last wish before I died,( If only I did not have children.) In this live I learned that the wish I made is also not making me feel any better at all because there was only a split second of fear but here I have to live with it the rest of my live

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Apr 27, 2011