Never Alive

I don't know what it even feels like to live in the first place, I have not ever felt a real connection with anyone therefore I want to not just live again, but actually learn how to live.
Moni Moni
36-40, F
3 Responses Mar 23, 2007

Sometimes the fist step is deciding that we don't want to be in the darkness anymore, and making even the smallest of steps toward some light.<br />
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Depression keeps people when they cut themselves off from everyone and everything, when they stop taking pleasure in things like hobbies or activities, etc... So the first step is trying to make some light in our private darkness, by exploring new hobbies or activities, which then can maybe connect us to other people who also love those things.<br />
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I had to make the effort a while back, to begin to do this myself, and while it's no replacement for a social life right off the bat, you're beginning to put something positive in your life, which you can remind yourself of when you feel like you've got nothing at all. You never know what those interests will lead to later on.<br />
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But ultimately, God is the best. I wish people knew how much strength there is there, to go on when you just can't take it anymore. A lot of people will tell you, if it weren't for their faith, they'd be disasters. I'm one of them. Just a thought.<br />
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All you can do in a life like that is fight to get out of that darkness, by your actions and your thoughts.

I understand. I seem to only feel okay at best, and usually depressed, even with meds. Every one in my life has either physically or emotionally abandoned me, so I don't really know what a good, close relationship fells like. But I would like to know. I quit drinking 18 years ago, so no bars for me. I'm a 43 year old co-parenting Mom- all the other moms are married. I don't have a way to go meet people. It's too hard to show up alone, let alone drive so far to anything (I live in a somewhat rural area). Do you ever wonder what it would feel like to switch bodies with someone who is happy? I do.

phew .. never is quite intense .. I cannot say never, but I can say quite mostly ..<br />
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how do you feel now though ? and have you tried looking for and taking steps towards .. like .. maybe that as a goal ? or has stuff changed