Experience Project iOS Android Apps | Download EP for your Mobile Device

Boyfriend... With A Husband On The Side.

I love my boyfriend, but I am married and my husband and I live together. My boyfriend and I have been involved for 20 years but never seemed to want to be together for whatever reason.We have both pretty much just been on "standby" for one another always at anytime. We have always made passionate love to one another, and never lost contact. We have a special bond... Until I married my husband and my boyfriend and I stopped all contact. Now 6 years into my marriage, my husband told me he has no respect for me. This was after a simple issue with my children, my husband and I have different discipline techniques, me, a bit more relaxed. After he told me he has no respect for me, he moved in with his mommy only to return weeks later. By then I was broken. Eventually I did reach out to my boyfriend and I began having a affair. Now our feelings are so much stronger. My boyfriend now wants to be with me. He wants the 2 of us (he and I) to be an item. I am all for it. My boyfriend is my everything, He is my priority. He makes me feel, he makes me want to love again. I know and love him so well, but I have to make sure he is what I want. My boyfriend is also pressing me to drop my husband and be with him now, because he is tired of being alone. He is making demands. I now know how married men feel when the step out on their wives and the other woman gives them an ultimatum! I am ready to be with my boyfriend, right now.
Now, what about my husband....... ??
BIGAMISTRESS BIGAMISTRESS 36-40, F 6 Responses Apr 30, 2012

Your Response


Fit and Fun makes a very strong point. Now that the debris (aka "momma's boy) is out of the way, he may see this as an opportunity to close the deal on someone that he has wanted (but patiently waited for) all this time. THIS is the best time to talk things over and let him know that more than the two of you are in this mix, and its also the best time for you to let him know that things need to slow down for a bit so your kids have time to adjust. At the same time you need to reassure him that NOTHING between the two of you changes. He needs to be understanding of your needs, and if he has been keeping your needs satisfied this long, I dont think its gonna be a problem. The only problem is going to be if you dont do anything or say anything at this time. Communication is the key to all of this working out so that everyone involved is as happy as can be.

Its seems that EVERYONE'S answer today is to "seek professional guideance". To me, that translates to: "Let someone else worry about it". If that were everyone's attitude, this forum would be called, "log in for useless opinions" !!! Maybe its easier to avoid conflict for a lot of people. Thats fine, the world needs sheep, shepards and wolves ... It took balls to log in, type up a question and continue to spoon feed a bunch of strangers. If thats the best you can do, dont waste the electrons. <br />
Staying in a marriage just for the sake of the marriage builds resentment. In time, that leads to disrespect, and when that makes it to the surface, kids will notice. When one spouse doesnt have the respect of the other, the relationship is over and its best to part ways. It sucks for the kids, but the alternative is worse.

Thanks so much for understanding. I do not pay any attention to people when they have hurtful things to say, it just says alot about them. At least I am being open and honest. Thanks again.

If you have had a BF for this long, I think its safe to say that 1) Hubby isnt doing it for you and 2) boyfriend IS doing it for you 3) you made up your mind a long time ago and just want "justification" for making a harsh decision. Not to be blunt or rude, but if you see your husband as a *****, you will ALWAYS see him that way. If you see your BF as a better role model for your kids, then its something else to consider. I think your happiness is what matters most and there comes a time in your life when you have to take a step back and do what is best for you - so you can still do for others. <br />
I would caution you on how quickly you introduce the BF to the kids. Older kids especially. Too soon and they will resent him, so take it slow. I feel the fact that you have considered making your BF your partner in life says a lot about him and your feelings for him. You need to stick to that because I feel that this truly what you want. I also feel that your husband has had more than his fair share of time to get it right - and he hasnt. All the more reason you resent him. Talk of "one more try" is only going to prolong the inevidible, so just cut the head off and move on / move up. Sounds like that is where your head is at anyway ....

YIKES! Who are you? I really need this message this morning and that is exactly where I am going. Husband has lfet again, I immediately file for divorce and spousal support, He doesnt know bf and I have been talking heavily in the recent months. I just told bf, he left again, but I didnt tell bf I filed for divorce and SP. But bf is ready fo rus to be together and move on in small steps. Husband will not be returning. He and I have been through hell this last year, and I noticed when the going gets tough, he runs to momma. Well lets say Im finished with that. So me and boyfriend are on a mission... baby steps (kinda). Thanks again for your response I really needed to hear this this morning :-)

I think your husband should have apologised and asked to come back. Leaving you and his young children was a major traumatic act, you say it broke you, I know you had to be strong for the children but I still admire you for coping.<br />
You did not reach out to your boyfriend straight away, I imagine you were trying to talk things through with your husband but just found he was incapable of, or unwilling to, talk(ing) of his emotions.<br />
You haven't run straight to your boyfriend, no doubt because you are trying to do the best thing for your children ~ whichever that might be (and you want help resolving that) ~ and your boyfriend's ultimatum is not helping with that.<br />
I think you should tell your husband that you need to see a marriage guidance counselor together. I think you should tell your boyfriend you need one more try at saving the marriage. Try to be firm with them both. Insist. Not an easy one and I feel for you. <br />
Best of Luck,<br />
Nikki xx

Thanks for your input! I have just always been the one to make sure everyone else is ok. I think I am just at a time in my life where I feel I am all that matters now. My husband is set in his ways, and bf ..... well.... I will more than likely be filing for a divorce and getting me right ;-}

I'm the world's biggest doormat. I have known several single Mums that made a much better job of it than a lot of couples, there are less arguments! Wishing you all the best xx

Having diferent ways of disciplining is quite a small thing to have such dramatic response over. Though it's a major thing not to be able to solve it together in a normal way. Him going to his mom and you going to your boyfriend as you call him. Before you do anything though I urge you to figure a few things out:<br />
What caused the heavy responses (for both of you)? What stopped you from working it out together? What would it mean for your children to get divorced (think future encouters with your husband, having to explain your relationships and the example you'd set by this)? How do you feel about your boyfriend making these demands? Do you think he will be the same person when you're together and children are involved? And so on...<br />
This isn't something that comes without concequence so I'd take a while to be certain.

Will do. Thanks

Really good answer and sound advice! When children are involved, it's worthwhile to try everything to save a marriage! You don't know what you are in for with the boyfriend, when it comes to day to day life with your kids. Resolving your problems with your husband might be hard work, but we can't all run off to some other partner or parent each time we encounter a rock that's laying in our way. You might have different problems with your boyfriend, where are you running then? Back to hubby? Work your way through the dilemma! The lure of the novelty (boyfriend) will wear thing quickly... That's at least my point of view.

you are screwed up in the head, seek professional guidance.

I doubt that it's her to be screwed up. Looking at your narrow minded response.