I Wish

I have not been happy in quite sometime. lets see, my mother and father joined in on raping me, and because of this i will die young. and that was probably the least worst thing. because of the abuse from them my mind automatically blacks out my day to day life. i have been dead 3 times. all 3 was my mother trying to "rid herself of the hell in her life" so shes told me since i was a child. i have been in and out of relationships im 19 and slept with 42 girls. i have so many mental problems i have one friend and even now its getting so bad that he has quit talking to me. Every relationship i get cheated on and honestly i dont care. Every time i look at someone all i can think is what they could do to me and i cant stop them. then i hear voices that tell me so many things all i can do is try to listen to them and think logically that i am ****** up. All i can think day to day is maybe i aint right for this world and my parents were right. i could go on and on bout the stuff but it hurts i just want to be happy.
zparkyy zparkyy
18-21
3 Responses May 9, 2012

Hey, when people experience severe abuse in childhood the trauma can be very hard to overcome. It's not surprising you've had a lot of relationships because it would be very hard for you to judge what a good relationship should be like because you never had that with your parents. Their gross betrayal of trust has obviously caused you deep distress. Are you able to access counselling? Keeping the pain locked away won't make it go away. If you can't talk about this what about keeping a journal - just writing your feelings down might help you make sense of them and the events that caused so much pain. Please remember that you are the victim here and they are the abusers. Your life IS worth living, you CAN overcome this and go on to a better life. Perhaps you could contact a support group that deals specifically with sexual abuse. They might have a drop in centre somewhere local that you could visit. Organisations that deal with this kind of abuse have enormous experience and may offer you help, advice and a professional to talk to.<br />
Please don't despair. I know your life is truly awful right now but the fact that you wrote here tells me you'd take help if it was offered, so please try. Your mental health problems are natural considering what you've been through but it doesn't mean they can't be overcome. Contact your local Social Services or equivalent and see if they can help you. Help may be closer than you know.<br />
Finaly you are not f***d -up, just deeply hurt, confused, angry and scared, as any of us would be in your situation. IWhen you learn to understand yourself better and heal from such a massive betrayl you will make better judgements about people/relationships and find someone who will love you, honour you and respect you - as you deserve to be. I hope you get the help and compassion you need and life brings you kindness and happiness.

Hey, when people experience severe abuse in childhood the trauma can be very hard to overcome. It's not surprising you've had a lot of relationships because it would be very hard for you to judge what a good relationship should be like because you never had that with your parents. Their gross betrayal of trust has obviously caused you deep distress. Are you able to access counselling? Keeping the pain locked away won't make it go away. If you can't talk about this what about keeping a journal - just writing your feelings down might help you make sense of them and the events that caused so much pain. Please remember that you are the victim here and they are the abusers. Your life IS worth living, you CAN overcome this and go on to a better life. Perhaps you could contact a support group that deals specifically with sexual abuse. They might have a drop in centre somewhere local that you could visit. Organisations that deal with this kind of abuse have enormous experience and may offer you help, advice and a professional to talk to.<br />
Please don't despair. I know your life is truly awful right now but the fact that you wrote here tells me you'd take help if it was offered, so please try. Your mental health problems are natural considering what you've been through but it doesn't mean they can't be overcome. Contact your local Social Services or equivalent and see if they can help you. Help may be closer than you know.<br />
Finaly you are not f***d -up, just deeply hurt, confused, angry and scared, as any of us would be in your situation. IWhen you learn to understand yourself better and heal from such a massive betrayl you will make better judgements about people/relationships and find someone who will love you, honour you and respect you - as you deserve to be. I hope you get the help and compassion you need and life brings you kindness and happiness.

You have been hurt so bad in your life you were hurt so bad from the people who you trust and loved I'm so sorry to hear this!!! I know this might sound ridiculous but God loves you and he knows what your going threw I'm praying for you your not ***** up in the head u were just hurt so bad!! I have a lot of emotional issues I was in 2 very abbusive relationships my step dad was very mentally and physically abbusive towards me im so used of being abused I feel like I crave it that's pretty sick but when I pray and ask God to help take away those feelings i feel a relief from it I hope and pray for your happiness!!!