Orphaned Adult

My young mother recently died in my arms, in my home of cancer. I am an only child. She was all I had, I was all she had. I'm terrified of each day now. I miss her so much it hurts to breathe. I was born to be left behind over and over again. Everyone has gone. I will never have a family of my own, no children. I'm just going through the motions and barely making it. I'm not depressed, I'm trying to grieve and I'm not doing it very well this time...... even tho I've had plenty of practice. I hate my boss shes so cold n evil. I have been rescuing pitbulls for years. It gives me purpose. Without these dogs I'd be gone. I haven't seen me in so long and when I do see me I'm shocked at what I have become. What have I done to myself.....I look horrible....I look as horrible as I feel. I'm not taking antidepressants to cope with a natural process of life. Those pills make me nuts. Just bring my mom back and I will be fine. Who do u put down as ur emergency contact when ur family is dead? Where do u spend holidays? My free spirit died when I lost my mom. So scared of each day....am I going to make it....do I even want to.... How do u go on? I know others suffer too. How do they go on ??
Pitrescue4 Pitrescue4
36-40, F
2 Responses Sep 20, 2012

<p>Oh Gosh, Dear sweet person. How do we go on?? I like you am trying to figure that out. I somehow lost my family and my life a long time ago. I went through a lot, and feel so alone. I feel like nothing sometimes. I have been clicking around on the internet for something that would make me understand why I feel this way, and how can I find me again. I am a 4 time cancer survivor somehow, and don't know why my life was spared, I don't have anything to live for. I take medicine for depression, anxiety, ptsd, insomnia, etc. It does not help. The only thing I want to do is sleep, but they won't give me sleeping pills. I'm just so tired, afraid, confused, and unsure of myself. I lost a baby and my ability to have children more than half my life ago, so like you, it's just me. I have been grieving my losses for most of my life. I don't know how to make it stop. I don't know how to feel better, to feel again, to feel worthy, to feel whole, to just feel anything but this empty lost overwhelming sense of NOTHING! Oh, it's beyond hurt, I read this feeling that I can't explain in your words. I thought I was the only person to ever feel this fierce feeling of numbness. Its extreme, because I feed so much and nothing at the same time. I don't want to leave my house, I don't want to meet new people, I don't want to love, I don't want to let anyone in, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. Its killing me. I'm ashamed of what I've become, I'm lazy, out of shape, boring, easily irritated, bad company, I burst out into tears for no reason, i don't put any effort into myself. Its like I've given up. I want my life back, I want to move on. I want to want my life again. I need to find strength in something. Nobody has ever believed in me, nobody, I'm realizing this is because I never really believed in myself. I want to know you're better, I want to know if you've found your life. I want to know there is a way out of this emptiness.</P>

I know how you feel it's hard to be alone in life and it can be lonely around the Holidays one thing I learned no one can replace your family.