I Do...

I have always wanted to live life fearlessly, and end up having fun, taking risk, becoming wise, not fearing death for I have everything and willing to give it away. But I'm the total opposite, I am scared of breaking the rules because of it's consequences, I am rather shy and antisocial and it gets in the way, and lastly: what I want to do or wish to happen ends up in my writing. I write out what is happening in my mind rather than do it, because I'm scared. But in writing, everything can be in your favor. There's nothing you're risking. Yes, I am scared of risking because I have lots to lose: my trust to everyone I care and those that care of me back.

I am known for following the rules, not bending for someone else (because I don't have the wit). Sarcasm gets in my way of speaking, replacing wit. My classmates would blame me for being shy on stage, so we have a lousy performance, giving us a bad image.

 I am always trying to prove to someone that I am not what they think I am, so I end up giving them the fact that I'm an idiot without a care for the world.

Take this for example: there's this girl who thinks I am everything of high and beyond. She thinks good people would forever do good. I tried telling her that that's not true by doing an action: negatively behaving 'unlike' me when she does or talks about something I really hate. You know what she said at the end? "You're so mean!" I mean, come on! I'm trying to show her who I am, so yes. I am afraid of being criticized meanly.

There would be times when everyone is scared to do something I really want to get over with. In the end, my first thought was, "I'm afraid they think I'm showing off."

Like this time, when there were three groups going for the auditions for a play. First, there's this nonsense between cookies and paper. After that, it's either my team or the other (Goldilocks and the Three Little Pigs, respectively). The other team was too chickened out, performing in front of people one to two years older than us. Things were getting really ridiculous, and I felt like getting restless (unlike what I felt minutes before; I felt like I'm going to burst in panic and nervousness) because they are hesitating, which takes a very, very long time (or so I think). When I felt like I'm going to burst with extreme annoyingness, I stood up and told my team to go on stage, because they are taking a long time that it feels like they took half an hour already. So, we went up and performed. After that, they gave a loud applause, unlike the one before. The other team had no choice but to perform. In the end, one of the performers did chicken out and ran out of stage at least two seconds before they can finish the play, leading them to no applause (because they missed at least two parts).

So, during that time, I thought, "MY TEAM IS THE BEST!" But now, I think I feel rather foolish. I burst with pride for my team, while others are all down and stuffs. I feel like I'm rubbing it on their faces, which I don't like to feel on me.

So to list why I can't live life fearlessly:

- I don't want to be criticized unfairly because of their feelings (so I lower myself because I'm afraid I might be hurting them).

- I'm shy and antisocial, so I can't interact comfortably without looking uncomfortable.

- I feel like I'm hurting someone when I'm the one in pride.

- I'm scared of taking risks because of its consequences.

I try making things right between us all. If I act the way I want to be, I would cause commotion, ending up with me with no friends (I get really angered easily), and everyone against me. Right now, lots of my classmates are angering me. It takes much effort to look at least a little annoyed.

So today, I try acting like myself. I hate lurking into dangerous places, and so that means I would have to take twists and turns on my way out. I plan on acting straightforward, and try making myself not care of what they feel like I did before because I feel trap.

I have at least eleven days to get my head straight, and I have already begun with my brother and mother.

~ Blythiana

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Feb 10, 2010