If All Goes Well, I'm About To Start My Life. Is There Hope?

When I was 4 years old my parents adopted two older children. Why would they adopt older children when they already had two awesome kids? Because they wanted to make the world a better place I guess. This was the beginning of the end for me. One child was about 12 years old and the other 10. My parents eventually found out that the kids (brother and sister) were very emotionally disturbed and had been abused, something the adoption agency withheld from them. My adopted brother soon began to traumatise me. At this point I can't remember the details because I have dissociated from the experience and remain dissociated to this day. I think he threatened my life repeatedly and may have sexually abused me. Imagine how this feels to a 4 year old! My behavior began to change drastically and I became sexually inappropriate and said things a 4 year old wouldn't know about. My parents found a drawing my adopted brother made where my father was being stabbed. The adoption only lasted about 6 months (the kids were put back up for adoption) but the PTSD remains and I am just coming to terms with it and getting counseling. I became obsessive, uncontrollable and suicidal at the ripe age of 5 or 6 and I feared my adopted brother M would come back for me. He was later found torturing an animal in a closet. I was put on medication and my mood improved by the time I was 7 or 8 but this never really went away. My grades always suffered, I was always worried and lacked motivation. I barely made it of high school and it took me 6 years to graduate from college. I always thought that it was just depression and ADD and ignored all of the "childhood trauma" nonsense. I never stuck with any of my passions (photography, urban planning, music, ...) and I have been working in the social services field for 3 years which I now hate. I always thought I would make it out of my boring hometown/city and really enjoy my 20s travelling and being free in a "cool" city like San Fran, NYC or Chicago. I even had plans to teach English in Brazil (I studied Spanish and Portuguese and lived in Mexico on and off as a kid). I will be turning 28 this fall and I haven't accomplished any of the things I wanted to in my 20s. I started Therapy a few months ago and am finally acknowledging that I am suffering from childhood trauma, I have all of the symptoms. I'm single and i've never had a long term relationship or someone I could call my "girlfriend" although i've slept with plenty of girls. The beautiful girls/women that could've been my girlfriends were pushed away by me (non-committal, removed, being a player. Now i'm a few years from 30 and I feel that I have nothing to live for. I have some really great friends and I get attention from girls but i've become so dissociated and anxious that I don't know what to do. Regardless of my depression I used to find a release and enjoy simple pleasures. Now critical thoughts race through my mind ALL DAY LONG. I even feel suicidal at times, I think about it daily. I have my first salaried job with benefits but i'm worried about losing my job due to lack of focus and concentration. Without that job I would have no insurance which would suck. I've even been pursuing my music career. I sing and rap in English and Spanish but I feel like it's too late start that career even though i'm told i'm talented. The saddest part is that i'm realizing that i've been a passive player in my own life and this makes me panic. It's like i'm on the verge of waking up from this nightmare to realize that my youth is gone. I want to go back to school to study urban and regional planning but my undergrad gpa was a 2.9. I'm sure I could find a way but it's all going to take longer than I expected. I would like to think that there is hope on the other side of 30 but I feel so doubtful. I don't feel my age either. I feel like i'm in my early 20s and this **** ain't fair y'hear?! I don't even know who I am anymore. I look for examples of people that have come out of this and I find none so I think that I must be doomed to eternal depression, anxiety, dissociation and singledom. Everybody tells me that i'll be alright if I make changes but I don't believe them. It seems that the happiest people are the ones that got their **** together in their 20s. Does that mean i'll always be playing catch up? Is there hope? Have you experienced something like this and are happy now?
elwero elwero
26-30, M
Jul 31, 2012