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I ****** Up.

My name is Leigh.  I met my husband, Seth, when I was 16, and had a child at 18.  I've always been very self conscious of what people think of me, and wanted to get married so that people wouldn't see me as an "unwed teenage mother".  We got married at 19.  I am now 23.

One of my male friends from highschool, Michael, moved away for college a few years ago, and we became closer over the phone, and online while he was gone.  I was never found him attractive, partly because he just wasn't anything like my previous relationships, and also because he didn't take care of himself well.  Our relationship was always a plutonic one, and he became one of the most important people in my life.

 Over the past two years, I slowly began to fall in love with him.  On the few times a year I would see him, there would be a tangible tension between us.  I was constantly drawn to him physically, like a magnet, even to just brush his arm.  It was strange, though.  I love(d) my husband.  I couldn't see leaving him for Seth.  On Michael's rare visits, I would get so worked up emotionally over him, making crazy decisions, only to recant them after he went back to college. 

Michael has now finished college, and been home since March.  He lost a lot of weight, and started taking really good care of himself.  At first, we were all friends, and I had no desire to leave my husband.  Michael would hang out with the two of us, and do other things with me that Seth hates.  Seth began to resent the amount of time I wanted to hang out with Michael, and began to get very jealous.  I am so close to Michael, I feel like he knows me better than anyone on the planet, and the stress my husband was putting on me pushed me further towards him.  When Seth would hurt me, I would run to Michael's arms. 

It all came to a head when I was supposed to go out bar hopping with a group of friends.  Every one of them flaked except for Michael, and it seemed stupid for the two of us to get drunk alone in a bar with no designated driver, so we went to a movie instead.  I came home at a reasonable hour, sober as the day I was born.  I told my husband about our lame friends, and the alternate evening.  He exploded with anger, accusing me of dating Michael.  While I can't say I've never had feelings for him, I can say that we were always appropriate.  Seth tried to force me to choose between the two of them, which almost ended our marriage, just because I'm stubborn.  Several tense weeks went by, and I didn't see Michael for much of that time.  Then slowly, I began to hang out with him again, and one afternoon, I kissed him.  It was like an explosion.  All of the tension that had built up for so many months was just dissipated, and for the first time in years, I had goosebumps, and butterflies in my stomach.  The urgency of the kiss made me dizzy.

The situation escalated over the next few days.  On one hand, he made me feel more alive than I have in years, and on the other hand, the guilt made me physically ill, extremely depressed, and suicidal.  I slept for days on end, and could barely get out of bed.  I worked, slept, and saw Michael whenever I could.  It got more and more physical, and on the day we had sex, I broke it off with my husband. 

This whole time, I've felt out of control.  I know that I'm not thinking with my head.  When I'm doing destructive things, I feel outside of my body.  I honestly wouldn't do this if I sat down and decided what I wanted, but then it's like the situation just controls itself.

The pain of what I did makes me not want to reconcile with Seth, because I can't go through telling him the truth, and I can't live without tell telling him.  Michael no longer feels like the friend he once was, and he's so busy, that I only see him for a few hours a couple times each week.  We are still hiding our relationship, which doesn't help.  I regret everything about this, but I feel like I should just stick with it.  I know that I am co-dependant, and this isn't healthy, but I don't know what else I can do. 
SadStupidGirl SadStupidGirl 22-25, F May 18, 2010

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